27th October
Tonight after tea Sandra and I were sitting on the lounge settee, Jason as usual, was playing on the floor with his lego in front of us. Jason had risen to his knees. The look of surprise and shock on his face was unmistakable. I think he was completely unaware that he was wetting his nappy but his infantile response could be clearly seen through his clear plastic panties as the yellow stain slowly spread over the front of his white nappy. My eyes moved from his sagging nappy up over his little teddy bear Tee shirt that said “I love Mummy” to where his thumb was firmly planted in his mouth. It was Sandra who spoke first. “Well there is your husband Wendy. There’s your man, risen to his knees! She laughed. I didn’t know what to say, Jason seemed powerless to respond in any way other than as a frightened little boy.

From now on what little manhood remained in him could only watch helplessly, he knew it had been banished to the sidelines to be forever teased by the privilege he once shared.

Then for the first time I heard from Jason the distinctive wail of a frightened baby calling out for his Mummy’s reassurance as tears of helplessness began to trickle down his cheeks. In that moment a look past between us that held a whole new world of meaning. We both knew in that second that all he had to offer me was his littleness and that I accepted it. I knelt on the floor some paces from him and held my arms open in a silent invitation, “Come to Mummy ” I whispered in my heart, “its going to be alright Mummy knows what her little boy needs” I knew that I spoke from that great place of wisdom and knowing that Mothers have. This was the Eden he had never wanted to be separated from, which he had yearned for and had tried to return to all his life.

Jason with his warm wet nappy helplessly sagging into his plastic panties crawled across the room and into my embrace. I could feel him relax, as he found his home.
“I think Jason well and truly knows his place now”, said Sandra gently, looking over my shoulder at the nursing baby.
“Yes this is what he wants” I said “and me too, I feel content now. I have a happy little baby and I’ve got a sexual partner too. Within these four walls we can be open about everything, no more secrets. ”

As I gazed into the eyes of my nursing baby I could find no sign of a man’s love there at all just the innocent love gaze of a baby for his Mummy. The past had become the future and the future the past. I felt my spirit reach out to his, and in that moment we seem to unite in a mysterious maternal bond. Sandra watching that moment would later say she could see an aura of gentle love engulf us all and we knew that there was now no going back. Somewhere deep in our souls the judgment had been made and nothing would erase it. Jason will be forever my little boy and I will be forever Jason’s Mummy. As I looked up at Sandra I also knew that we also would never part and we had sealed that commitment with our own bodies. Sandra’s loneliness had gone along with my sense of being a solo Mum. Together we would love each other and look after our baby. Each of us had given up something, each of us had gained so much more.