20th Sept
I have just finished reading over my diary and I realize what huge changes Joe has undergone. One of the big changes is the way he relates to my body. I I think partly it’s because my rejection of his advances was so complete that he has never tried it again, but also his image of himself as my little boy is now so much more dominate that I don’t think he even gives it a thought. He loves my body but he loves it in the way a baby loves a mother’s body, all kisses and cuddles and breasts to nuzzle.

Of course the way I relate to his body has also changed. To begin with it was very conscious and very deliberate, but more and more it seems to flow naturally from a deeply maternal part of me. For example I realized the other day that when I give Joey a hug or cuddle I always give his bottom a little pats, something you would not typically do with a teenager or adult. It is though instinctively I have made adjustments. Like wise I never kiss him in the lips its always on some other part of his body like his cheek or forehead or when changing him, his tummy.

19th Sept
Most days Joey assumes his little boy idenity as soon as he steps in the house or indeed just seeing Sue or I will usuallydo it. Lately however Joey has been preoccupied with work problems and some days I can see he finds it much harder to jettison his adult mindset. Sue and I then have had to work a little harder at helping him, not that we mind, we see it as a challenge and enjoy regressing him.

On those days we will often incorporate little games like peek- a -boo or this little pig went to market or inky winky spider while changing him out of his work clothes into his baby toddler clothes until he is totally submerged in giggles. Sue is particularly good at this and several times he has laughed so much that poor little Joey wet himself as we watched on, much to our amusement.

Touch, along with the scent of baby oil and powder is very powerful especially combined with the right words. Without wanting to sound boastful I have become even more skilful and can play Joey’s body like an instrument. Every nappy changing time is a unique experience and Joey never knows totally what might happen.

15th of September

The star chart is going very well. Not only is it effective as a training tool, it builds Joey’s self esteem. Sue and I find it hard to hide our amusement at how proud he is of his star chart. Often he will just standing in front of it looking at all his little achievements or counting the number of stars he has. The other day I came into the bedroom and there he was standing in front of his chart again and he turned to me and said with such longing in his voice, “Are you proud of me Mummy?” It touched my heart, and bought a lump to my throat. Given his failure as a man in my life I think his star chart has become proof that at last, he is successful in my eyes, even though it is as a little boy. I took him in my arms and then looked down into his upturned wistful eyes and said. “Mummy is so very proud of her good little boy. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are the best little boy in the world.” The look of joy that came over his face is hard to describe, you would think I had given him the best present in the world. Perhaps I had, but the truth is I am enjoying having Joey, more than I ever thought.

In talking to Sue about his enjoyment of his Star Chart she reminded me that according to Child development theorist Eric Erikson the social/ emotional developmental task in the first year of a baby’s life centers around trust versus distrust. If this task is met successfully the baby will fundamentally view the world as a safe place, a place they can trust and move confidently forward in. The second developmental task, beginning somewhere about the second year of life year is shame versus autonomy. If this task is met the toddler will face the world with a feeling that they are able to achieve things as opposed to the feeling of shame, failure, and inadequacy. Sue felt that Joey’s original experiences as a baby had not sufficiently supported his progress through either of those tasks. In a very real sense Joey was trying again to complete those babyhood developmental tasks. To be successful he would need to experience again what it was like to be absolutely dependent on a woman’s care and find that care to be totally reliable and trustworthy. Secondly he needed to be given little tasks which he was able to succeed at and then be applauded for, giving him a feeling of confidence and success. This is exactly what the star chart is achieving.
All this makes a lot of sense to me, and has imbued my role as his Mummy with a new sense of importance and value.