I took his shirt of and rubbed some Johnston’s baby powder on his tummy. The scent is so wonderfully evocative of memory. I pulled the bed spread over him while I went through to the kitchen to heat the baby bottle, returning a few minutes later to tuck him down beside me with his head resting on my breast as I put the teat in his mouth and began to nurse him. Instinctively I made sure that he could see my face and I could feel Jasey drawing sustenance from my quiet loving gaze as he suckled the warm milk from the babies bottle. I have to say that at that moment I felt ambushed once again by my own emotions. There is something very powerful about the absolute trust that my little Jasey gives me, the way he abandons himself to my care. I am beginning to understand there is part of me that longs for a man not driven by Eros, but who would never the less see me as a prize of the greatest value and who would never look at another woman, and I realized I had that in Jasey. Likewise it came as something of a revelation that my own sense of womanliness was about mothering. As I looked down at Jasey, holding him in my nursing arms, I could feel him relax and knew that the harbour he had once lost he had now regained in my arms. I was swept again by a tremendous protectiveness for this person who had entrusted himself to my care and who I was molding and shaping. It may sound ridiculous but I felt Madonna-like, totally good and generous, even beautiful, and yes powerful. I think this was the moment when I deeply acknowledged to myself that I truly wanted him as my baby, that I preferred it that way, that I was really looking forward to all the mothering tasks that hopefully lay ahead of me. I knew he needed me to be, his forever Mummy, which meant of course, he needed to become, my forever little boy. I slipped a little prayer heavenward for strength and wisdom to guide me. After a few minutes, I said very gently and quietly to Jasey. “Sweetheart Mummy got something very important to say to her little boy, can you listen carefully to Mummy while she nurses you?” Jasey nodded. “You know that Mummy loves you very much don’t you?” Jasey nodded again. “Well, some weeks ago Mummy made a decision to talk to someone about her little boy. Mummy was getting desperate to talk to someone and keeping things a secret was not good for Mummy. Mummy needed a friend to talk to so I could look after my little boy even better so I talked to Aunty Sandra. She is someone I can trust, someone who wouldn’t hurt you in any way and she can keep a secret. I know that Aunty Sandra is not married nor does she have any children but she deals with little children all day long in her job and has done lots of babysitting. Aunty Sandra understands little boys and how to care for them. It’s hard for little boys to understand what a Mummy needs and that’s all right, because Mummy’s don’t expect little boy’s to understand grown-up things. All you need to know is that Mummy loves you and that you are quite safe and she would never do anything to hurt you. Do you understand that?” Jasey gave a little nod, but I could tell from his increased sucking that he was anxious. ” Aunty Sandra thinks you are a little cutie and when she comes to stay she will help Mummy look after you. Do you think you can trust Mummy on this?” Jasey gave a little nod. Then he asked, in a little voice, “What if she is not kind to me?” “I am sure that won’t happen, but if she is not kind to you, you can tell Mummy and she will talk to Aunty Sandra so that it never happens again. All right little one?” Jasey nodded. “Good boy, Mummy is very proud of her little boy, and if you have any worries you just come and tell Mummy, all right sweetie?” Jasey nodded again. This conversation I had with Jasey has been really pivotal for me. It has increased my confidence that once I get Jasey into little boy mode I have the maternal skill to get him to agree with what I want. Not only that but what started out as a way of reducing the unpredictability in our relationship is turning out to be really enjoyable. What I need to work on now, is how to keep him permanently as a little boy in his relationship with me. To do so I will need to work out a detailed plan.