Last week after I had put Jason to bed I went to Sandra’s room and lay my head on her shoulder. It was the moment of truth that we had both been moving towards since her arrival. I said to myself, Yes Sandra you can come into my life. You can matter to me.
When we made love I said inside, Sandra you can be my heartbeat. I will always be yours. It feels definitive and final. It’s a no going back decision. It feels like the ultimate gift. It sets us apart for each other.
Since then, we have been impatience each night to put baby Jason to bed.
Our love has become my joy and ecstasy, my writhing and moaning. I carry her with me throughout the day, my bread and drink, my flowers and sunshine, my unconscious smile to unknown faces. I love her.
When I first talked to Jason about how our relationship would change I had no idea that it would take me down the road to another lover. It is such a gift. At that time I talked with him about how our relationship needed to be honest, and to my question as to which he would prefer if he had to choose, Mummy or
wife, he gave a honest answer. Now it is my turn to be honest with him again.
Sandra and I have been careful to keep our love relationship hidden from Jason, but our feelings for each other are difficult to hide. We do not want to live this way. We want to express our love freely and openly to each other in our home with touch and words of endearment and lovers glances. The big unknown is what affect this will have on Jason. Will he see this as the ultimate affront to any remaining sense of manhood and arouse him out of his self image as a toddler to try and claim his wife again? Will he try and break free from the ‘nursery’ to compete with Sandra for my love? The truth is, he could never compete with Sandra, any attempt is doomed to abject failure even before he starts and I don’t want him to experience more failure.
Sandra is convinced I was worrying needlessly, that Jason no longer had the emotional strength to act like a man. I know Jason better than anyone and I am not convinced. I have images of an angry man standing up and trying to force Sandra from the home.
In the end Sandra and I have decided to let our actions speak for themselves. We will not try and explain our relationship to him it would be too much like treating him as an adult and that day is well and truly over for us. This is a matter for grown ups and so we will love each other as we wish in front of him and deal with his reactions when they arise.