Once everything had been packed away,
mum stuffed all the empty packaging in to a bag and took it downstairs.
I sat silently on my mattress and stared blankly around my room.
It looked more or less the same as it did before we went into town;
white wallpaper with narrow green stripes, hardwood furniture,
white woodwork and a beige carpet.
Dressing table aside, it’s not a girlie room.
But knowing that the wardrobe now holds five dresses,
two skirts and three blouses,
and the drawers on the dressing table hold my new girlie underwear,
socks and tights…
the room has taken on an entirely new aura.
“Right, let’s get this bed made shall we?” Mum said when she returned with a handful of bedding.
Not surprisingly, it was pink.
I helped her spread the sheet over the mattress and tuck it in,
then she told me to go and ask George what he’d done with my duvet and pillows.
I suggested that she should go instead.
I was a bag of nerves as I took the five or six steps to my brothers’ bedroom.
The door was ajar and both sat inside, whispering loudly to each other.
They shut up and looked at me when I stood in the doorway.
“Mum said you still have my duvet and pillows.”
“Oh yeah,” George said, standing up and grabbing the pile from the corner of the floor.
“No girls in here!” Andrew barked when I stepped inside.
Mum must have anticipated such hostility as she immediately appeared behind me.
She told Andrew in no uncertain terms that he mustn’t speak to his ‘sister’ like that,
which only added to my embarrassment.
“Now understand this boys.” mum said.
“Neither of you are allowed in Sophie’s room, but she is allowed in here.”
“That’s not fair!” Andrew moaned.
“It’s entirely fair Andrew.” Mother stated.
“Your sister will be helping me with the housework,
which means she’s allowed in.
Maybe when you start helping with the housework you’ll have a free run of the house too.” she said.
“Now… unless you two want me to change the pecking order, you’ll put up and shut up.”
Both Andrew and George apologized.
George put the bulbous bundle of duvet and pillows in my hands and forced a smile.
But deep inside I could tell he was thinking something along the lines of ‘little sissy’.
I left before my mother.
She still had a few things to say to my brothers.
I spread my duvet cover over my bed and put the pillows in position,
before slumping myself down and thinking about my predicament.
This morning I was a normal boy with dreams of being a train driver,
soldier,
racing driver or even an astronaut.
Now I don’t even know what dreams I should have.
I can’t imagine wanting to be a princess,
a ballerina
or a nurse…
I don’t even know what girls are supposed to like apart from dolls,
and thankfully I’m too old for those.
And clothes of course..
girls are always talking about clothes.
I hung my head and stared at my dress.
I kicked out my feet and looked at my sandals; three leather straps held the flat sole in place.
One pink,
one lilac,
one purple, and around my instep and heel a purple ankle strap that fastened with a little pink buckle.
Mum returned and closed the door behind her.
I looked up at her and she smiled.
“Come on, let’s change this bed,” she said,
grabbing hold of the duvet and forcing me to stand.
“Can’t I keep my duvet cover?” I asked, almost pleaded.
“I’m sure Sophie doesn’t want racing cars on her bed,” Mum said in a patronizing tone as she began removing the duvet cover.
“Why don’t you help mummy and do the pillows?” she asked.
“OK.” I moaned, knowing no amount of pleading would change her mind.
I pulled off the pillowcases and tossed them on the floor, but mum said I must fold them neatly.
“Girl’s like everything neat and tidy remember,” she said as she unfolded a pale pink duvet printed with big white spots.
I gulped as I watched my bed become ‘Sophie’s’ bed.
Mum fastened all the press studs at the foot of the duvet cover,
before spreading it neatly and squarely over my bed.
“There…” she said once she’d put my pillows in position,
“…that’s what a girl’s bed should look like.
Why don’t you tuck one of your nighties under your pillow?” she suggested.
“Then it’s all ready for bedtime.”
Mum had bought me three matching nighties.
One white with pink trim,
one pink with white trim,
and one with pink and white stripes.
Naturally, I chose the one with the least amount of pink,
but that didn’t make it any less girlie.
I stuffed it under my pillow,
but mum made me take it out,
fold it neatly, then put it neatly under my pillow.
“What did I say about how girls like things?” she asked.
“Er…” I said, trying to think back. “Nice and…” was my hazard of a guess.
“Neat and tidy.” she smiled.
“And nice and pretty too,” she added.
“Just like you.” she grinned.
I wanted to burst into tears, but with mum’s words
‘I’d have killed myself without a daughter’ echoing in my skull, I put a brave face on…
I might have even forced a smile.
Mum put her arm around me and asked me if I liked my new bedroom.
“It’s OK.” I lied.
On the upside,
I’m no longer the girliest thing in the room.
A pink spotty duvet cover definitely trumps my blue spotty frock.
“I didn’t want to get anything too girlie in case George ended up being Sophie.” Mum said.
“But this is nice for now.” she smiled as she ran her hand over my duvet cover.
If mum doesn’t think that that duvet cover is ‘too’ girlie,
I dread to think what is!
“Now… do you want to help mummy make supper?” she asked,
“Or would you rather stay in your room?
Maybe read one of your new books.” she suggested.
I looked at my uninspiring collection of books, then imagined helping ‘mummy’ in the kitchen.
“Er… can I stay in here for a bit,” I replied.
“Of course, you can Sophie.” Mum smiled.
“Just remember that girls like everything neat and tidy,
so don’t go making a mess.”
Mum closed the door behind her.
I heard her say something to my brothers before hearing the sound of her high heels on the wooden stairs.
I sighed a deep deep sigh before catching a glimpse of myself in the dressing table mirror.
I keep forgetting that I’ve got a blue gingham ribbon tied in my shortish curly hair.
I had a long hard look at it, trying to decide if it looks nice or stupid.
Mum had put it to one side,
so I moved to the middle
. “That looks worse.” I moaned, before moving it back.
I stood up to look at my dress.
But the oval mirror isn’t big enough for me to see it all.
Just the middle bit and that stupid pretend belt around the waist could be seen.
I don’t know why but I lifted my dress and looked at my knickers.
Unlike my old underpants, these hugged me snugly.
I touched them and realized that the nylon fabric was painfully thin,
but not so thin they could be seen through.
They were a world away from my old undies.
Even the elastic around the waist and legs didn’t have a bump where the fabric stopped.
When mum said I’d forget all about them once they were on,
she was was right.
My bra however is different.
Even though it’s out of sight,
its elastic embrace around my shoulders, back and chest is ever-present.
I sighed and sat back on my bed.
In my old bedroom, I had loads of things to do.
I had books and games,
puzzles and old toys,
cool posters on the walls, and all the model kits I’d made adorning my shelves.
I even had my brother to argue with.
Now I have a dressing table with nothing but a mirror on it,
six empty bookshelves and a seventh holding only a handful of books.
There’s no racing car set on top of the wardrobe, no pictures or posters on the walls, and not even a lamp on the bedside cabinet.
Not that it needed one being at the foot of my bed.
One thing’s for sure about being a girl… it’s boring.
“I bet even their adventures are boring,” I said to myself as I removed The Adventure Book For Girls from my bookshelf.
I slumped on my bed, opened the cover and read the index of story titles.
Charlotte’s Moonlight Mystery (page 5)
Adventure in the Alps (page17)
Molly Makes a Break (page 36)
No Boys Allowed (page 50)
Finders Keepers (page 62)
Sally’s Magic Scarf (page 83)
The Brave Ballerina (page 99)
Tom-boy, Tailor, Soldier, Spy (page 112)
Dancing Shoes (page 136)
The Night Thief (page 152)
Sarah’s Secret (page 178)
The All-Girl Detective Agency (page 198)
Adventure in Egypt (page 217)
The Flying Princess (page 236)
A good eight or ten of the titles didn’t interest me,
but they didn’t all sound bad.
I flicked forward to page one-hundred and fifty-two and began reading The Night Thief.
I don’t know how much time had passed when a knock on my door dragged my eyes from the book.
“What?”
“Mum said you’ve got to come for supper,” Andrew shouted from the other side of the door.
I kicked my legs off my bed and… having completely forgotten I was supposed to be a girl, was surprised to see a dress around my body.
I took a deep breath before opening the door.
Andrew looked me up and down, from the ribbon in my hair to the sandals on my feet.
He said nothing before walking away.
My eldest brother George just stared at me from his place at the dining table as I descended the stairs.
Dresses feel weird to walk in when you’ve spent all your life wearing boy’s clothes, and having people staring in silence doesn’t help.
Being reminded to smooth my dress beneath me when I took my place didn’t help either.
Mum made the usual small talk, but we ate in relative silence.
Mum told me not to eat so quickly, and to take smaller mouthfuls.
“You don’t want to get food on your dress do you.” she said.
After finishing his pudding, Andrew pushed his chair back and picked up his bowl to put it by the sink.
“Oh leave that Andrew,” Mum said.
“Your sister can help me clear the table when you boys have finished,” she said,
throwing a smile in my direction.
A few minutes later, George had finished too and as habit directs,
he too began to clear his own dishes, but Mum also told him to leave them.
George cast me a guilty stare before heading upstairs.
Up until today we were each expected to clear our own plates & dishes and pile them neatly by the sink ready for mum to do the washing up.
But now the rule seems to be to leave it and I’ll move it.
It didn’t seem fair to me,
but I didn’t have the heart to state my case.
Instead, I stood up and began clearing the table.
“Not yet Sophie,” Mum said.
“You need an apron on first.” she smiled.
“Now, just like your bra, there’s a bit of a knack to tying your apron strings,” Mum said before teaching me how to tie a bow behind my back.
She watched over me as I scraped the left-overs into the bin before putting a footstool by the sink so I could better reach into the bowl.
“Oh it’s so nice finally having a girl around to help.”
Mum said as she dried and put away the dishes ‘for me’.
When all the dishes,
pots, pans and cutlery had been washed
, mum had me wipe down the table and the placemats, before putting them back in position
. “Neat and tidy.” Mum reminded me as she straightened one.
“That’s how us girls like everything to be,” she said as I straightened the rest.
“All nice and clean.” mum smiled as I took the apron off.
“We’ll have to get you one of your own,” she said as she hung her apron back on the hook.
“Can I go back to my room now?” I asked.
“Wouldn’t you rather sit in the parlor with Mummy,” she asked.
I told her I was reading a book and it was getting quite exciting.
Mum suggested that I tell her all about it in the parlor.
“You can read a bit more before bed if you like.”
So that was that. I couldn’t hide away in my bedroom.
Instead, I sat in the front room and described the story I’d been reading.
The fact that it was about a girl,
set in a girl’s boarding school didn’t help me feel any less girlie as I retold the tale.
In fact, it made me feel more girlie.
Mum said it sounded very exciting and was glad that I was enjoying reading my Adventure Book for Girls.
“Maybe you’ll have some adventures of your own in the summer.” she smiled.
“What kind of adventures?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Mum replied.
“The same sort of adventures you had last summer I expect.”
“But I wasn’t a girl then.”
I reminded her in a low, mournful voice.
“That doesn’t matter,” Mum replied.
“I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun with the Henson twins, and Sally, Lauren and Vanessa.” she said,
listing the names of the girls who live on our street.
“And I’m sure Paul, John, Simon, and Arthur will still want to be friends too.”
“Why would they?” I asked.
“I’m not a boy anymore.”
“But you are still you,” she said.
“Just because you’re Sophie instead of Peter doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with your friends.” she insisted.
“Girls can play pirates and climb trees too you know!”
“I can’t climb trees in a dress,” I said as I visualized everyone laughing at my knickers.
“Course you can.” Mum insisted before offering to show me ‘something’. I stood up and stood by her.
“This is what I used to do when I climbed trees,” she said, tucking my skirt into the legs of my knickers.
I looked down at the bulbous mass of fabric.
Almost all of my pale thin legs were exposed and I couldn’t imagine comfortably climbing a tree like this.
I did however spend a moment imagining doing just that, only for my daydream being broken by the sound of a snigger.
I turned to see my brothers standing by the door.
Their bemused faces just stared at my dress and my legs… and me of course.
“I was just showing Sophie how she can climb trees,” Mum said.
“Without flashing her knickers,” she added.
Thanks, mum…
that really helped to ease the shame and embarrassment I’m currently going through.
Andrew was purple and chewing on his pursed lips,
clearly trying his best not to burst out laughing.
George was slightly more controlled as his face was deep red and not purple.
“Can we go down the park?” he asked.
“Of course, you can Boys,” Mum said as she pulled my dress from my knickers and made it all nice and straight again.
“Why don’t you take your sister with you?”
Please can I die now!
I thought as George said,
“Do we have to?” in a low mournful voice.
“I don’t want to go to the park.”
“Are you sure?” Mum asked.
“It’s a lovely evening.”
I nodded and glanced briefly at my brothers.
The look of disdain they gave me spoke volumes…
but I cannot claim I’d be any different had the card game ended differently.
“OK.” Mum smiled. “Run along boys, and be good!”
They sniggered on their way out.
I spied them through the window, laughing as they headed down the path and onto the street.
I predicted that they’d see loads of local kids at the park and imagined them blurting You’ll never guess what’s happened to Peter!
“Mum?”
“Yes, love?”
“What’s everyone going to say when they find out I’m a girl?”
“I expect they’ll say you’re very pretty.” Mum replied.
“Which you are,” she added.
“Especially when you blush like that.”
Why I placed my palms on my cheeks and exclaimed
“Oh don’t mum!” I’ll never know.
Dressing like a girl is one thing but acting like one?
I’d rather not.
Especially not quite so instinctively.
“Won’t they all just laugh at me?”
“Well, you know what boys are like for teasing girls,” Mum said.
“Just ignore them if they’re not being nice…
unless it’s one of your brothers…” she added.
“If they tease you I want you to tell me.”
“OK.” I moaned.
At around 7 pm, Mum suggested running me a nice hot bath.
I dismissed her suggestion by reminding her that I’d had a bath on Thursday, or possibly Wednesday.
“I know but girls have a bath every day.”
“Every day!” I exclaimed as my mother nodded.
“Do I have to?” I sulked.
“Yes you do.” Mum grinned.
“Otherwise you’ll start smelling like a boy.”
I can’t remember the last time mum sat by me in the bath,
but today she did.
Before today her expensive soaps and lotions were out of bounds.
But now they’re all I’m allowed to use as they make my skin feel nice and smell nice.
She shampooed and conditioned my hair for me.
Something she hasn’t done since I was about six or seven years old, and after rubbing it vigorously with a towel,
she told me to put my nightie on.
“Oh but it’s only half past seven.” I moaned.
“Which is too late to be putting a clean dress on isn’t it?”
“Can’t I wear my blue one again ’til bedtime?” I asked.
“No love.” Mum replied.
“Now you’re all nice and clean I want you ready for bed.”
“OK.” I sulked.
Once I had my nightie and a clean pair of knickers on, Mum asked if I’d like to watch TV with her or read my book.
I opted for my book. Sitting downstairs wearing a girl’s nightie when my brothers get home isn’t something I look forward to.
Mum left me alone and I escaped into my Adventure Book For Girls once more.
It wasn’t a story filled with guns and bombs or dungeons and dragons,
but I did feel a connection with the protagonist…
she may be a proper girl,
but she hates being a boarding school girl all of a sudden,
just as I hate being a girl all of a sudden.
By the end of the story,
she’d foiled a bank robbery,
made lots of new friends and had been awarded a special broach for her bravery by the local constabulary.
For her, life in a girl’s boarding school turned out to be lots of fun…
I wonder how life as a girl will turn out for me?
I turned the page to begin the next story but the title Sarah’s Secret and the accompanying picture of a prissy girl in a frilly frock,
running along a pavement put me off.
I flicked forwards through the book.
The covering picture for The All-Girls Detective Agency looked better;
five girls stood around a desk in a photo pose and taking a closer look at the periphery of the image,
they’re in a treehouse.
“Cool!” I thought.
What boy wouldn’t think a treehouse is cool?
I began reading but failed to get beyond the first page when my mother entered.
She told me it was time for bed.
I asked if I could stay up and read for a bit longer.
“No dear,” Mum replied as she stroked my hair.
“It’s gone half-past eight.” she smiled.
“Oh…” I moaned as she tucked me into bed,
“I used to go to bed at half nine or even ten o’clock.”
“I know dear… but you need plenty of beauty sleep now you’re a girl.” she said as she ran her finger’s through my hair.
It just didn’t seem fair…
All my boy stuff has been taken away and replaced with girl things, and now I have to go to bed whilst my brother are still out playing.
I wanted to argue everything that was wrong with becoming Sophie,
but seeing Mum so happy and content after so many years of depression is the only consolation I can think of.
“Oh,” she said as the front door slammed.
“That sounds like your brothers,” she said as she got up and closed my curtains.
“Night night Sophie,” she said, kissing me on the forehead.
“Night night,” I replied meekly as she left, closing my door behind her.
The boys were being boisterous and noisy.
My heart sank as I heard my mother loudly state that ‘Sophie’ was in bed, and that ‘she’ mustn’t be disturbed.
Then silence.