I stared at my stockinged lap guiltily
and cursed every strand of nylon
that clad my freshly shaved legs.
No more than two minutes ago I felt fantastic…
like these tights and this dress were made just for me.
Like they were meant just for me.
But now, as I sit with shame coursing through my veins I feel like an imposter.
A fake.
A fraud.
A freak.
Mother let out a long audible sigh.
I looked up towards her
she slid her underwear drawer shut
exhaling sharply through her nostrils as she closed her wardrobe doors.
As she turned to look at me
I returned my guilty gaze to my lap,
unable to look her in the eye.
“Well… let’s have a look at you.”
I gulped and for the first time in god knows how many moments,
our eyes met. I gulped again.
“Stand up,” she said
. “I want to have a proper look.”
I cringed.
All I want is to be left alone.
Just for a moment.
Just long enough to peel off this hateful outfit and…
“Please.” she insisted.
“If you’re going to borrow my clothes I at least want to see how they look.”
I removed my palms from beneath my lap and placed them flat on the mattress.
I slowly and shamefully stood.
I swear I felt myself physically shrink as my mother’s eyes ate into me.
Mother let out another sigh.
I don’t blame her.
Words fail me too.
“Well stand up straight,” she asked.
“I can hardly see what you look like stooping like that!”
I looked up at her, gulped, and croaked an apology.
“I’m not looking for an apology, Peter…
I want to see what you look like…
come on,
head up.” she insisted in an almost chirpy tone.
I raised myself to my full height but still wanted nothing more than to shrivel and die.
My eyes flicked between the middle distance and my mother.
Her eyes flicked from my head to my feet and back again before something else caught her attention.
“And I suppose you were planning on wearing these?” she asked knowingly as she crouched and picked up a pair of her shoes.
Shoes that normally lived on the rack in the bottom of her wardrobe.
I gulped and nodded.
She sighed again.
“Well, I don’t know whether to make you change or let you stew in your own juices.”
she said in a disheartened tone.
I murmured my preference,
which I fully believe to be the most reasonable of the two options,
but this only encouraged Mother to go the other way.
“Well I think you should stew for a while,” she suggested.
“Do these fit?” she asked, referring to the pair of black heeled sandals I’d selected.
I nodded. “Please, mum.”
I pleaded when she suggested I put them on.
“I don’t want to.”
“Well I assume you wanted to before I came home.” she retorted.
“And you know how I feel about you doing things behind my back,” she added.
“Now please Peter…
put them on,
then we’ll talk.” she insisted.