Chapter 29 – [Wednesday March 27, 2002]
Tyler Johns paced back and forth through the small kitchen in he and Adrian’s 1,100 square foot Apartment in the University District. The linoleum flooring peeled up under the shadow of the aged darkly stained walnut veneer cabinetry. The florescent lighting above his head fizzled orang-blue light. His upper torso disappeared from Adrian’s view behind the overhanging row of cabinets as he alternated positions back toward the sink. When he reappeared each time, the look on his face was increasingly unsettled.
“I know you’ve been looking forward to this trip Tyler but it just scares me. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me her mom wasn’t coming back when you found out! How can we possibly take her without a chaperone going along? You’ve seen what he’s capable of!”
Mr. Johns continued to pace. It was 11:30pm and board meeting had run late. He was deeply disturbed on more than one level.
“You’re right honey, I know. I’m scared too. You’ve gotta know I’m terrified!”
He stopped and leaned his weight on the counter and looked at his wife sitting at their dining room table through the opening under the 1980’s cabinetry. “We can’t do this to her though Adrian. She worked so hard. She’s earned this. And it isn’t fair to her that none of her own people will come through for her. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about her mom not coming…I just…I was just scared I guess. I knew you’d be right about this.”
“I understand Tyler. Really I do. She’s a sweet girl and we’ve all seen how she’s blossomed with this writing thing. But what if she comes up with some crazy accusation on the trip or something? You’re so careful around school to make sure you’re never alone with a student – you always have your office door open – you never stay in the building after hours unless you’re in a public place with other employees. I mean – her dad could do anything to you now.”
She paused, trying to let the events of the past several months sink in.
“One untrue allegation could ruin your whole career Tyler. That’s all it takes.”
Mr. Johns had never done or thought anything even remotely inappropriate with regards to a student and such an allegation was just about his worst nightmare in life.
She’s right. Again. He thought to himself beginning to pace once more.
That evening at the board meeting for Hope Seattle, Mr. Johns had chosen to use his considerable moral influence on the board to sway the vote in order to maintain Ted Reynolds as CEO. Earlier in the year, when the news of his affair had become public knowledge, Mr. Johns had been deeply concerned and offended by the breech of trust. He had immediately made a motion on the board to remove Ted as the leader. At that time in November, the board wasn’t ready to vote either way and in the subsequent months, informal coalitions were built and alliances were formed on each side. Mr. Johns was powerful (albeit young) and he had quickly amassed the votes to oust the standing CEO.
However, being the careful tactician that he is, Ted had apparently allied himself with his long time friend and donor PJ Yates, the software entrepreneur and then full-time philanthropist. As it turned out, Yates also happened to be on the school board as well. Before the board Hope Seattle meeting in December, Yates had threatened Mr. Johns on no uncertain terms with a similar vote with regards to his job at Ballard Christian School if he allowed the Ted to be fired at Hope Seattle. He had told Mr. Johns that Ted and Sally were in agreement about their marriage, that they were working it out amicably, and that it was no big deal.
The truth was that Yates was offering blackmail, pure and simple. Mr. Johns had pushed to delay the vote for three months following the clandestine meeting – feeling deeply confused and conflicted about what he should do.
As he paced back and forth in front of his wife that March night, he thought about the vote that had finally just taken place. I’m such a sellout. What kind of loser backs down like I did? What kind of weakling tells his supporters not to vote against cutting lose such a weasel? I can’t believe I let that bastard PJ Yates manipulate me like that! I can’t believe I could be so easily manipulated for a few shekel’s of silver. I feel like a money-grubbing tax collector who only cares about maintaining his position and not about principle. Ted’s such a conniving sleaze bag. But at least he sticks to his guns…He’s a tactician, I’ll give him that.
“You’re right honey,” he said again stopping out in the hall, looking into her eyes.
Silently they continued to stare.
“I feel like such a loser though Adrian. I feel like such a sellout. Like a wimp who won’t take a risk or do what’s right – one who just runs for cover to look out for his neck.”
A tear streaked down his face.
She got up to put her arm around him.
“What did I do tonight? What do I even stand for?” He was crying now. Ashamed. “That jerk broke up his whole family. He sleeps around with that tramp Melissa and dumps his wonderful and beautiful girls and he just gets to keep his job at the CHRISTIAN shelter and act like he’s God’s gift to everything and like he didn’t do anything wrong?”
Adrian didn’t say anything but continued to rub his shoulder.
“And I had a chance to do something! To offer justice to those girls! Offer justice to Jordan. To show her that what her dad did was wrong and there are consequences. And all I did was cover my own butt. I chickened out!”
He sobbed almost uncontrollably in embarrassment and sadness.
“Ted you had to do what you had to do. You had to protect our family. Sometimes things like us are more important than sticking it to the man. He’ll get what he has coming some day. Don’t worry. But if you don’t look out for us once in a while, we’ll end up lost by the side of the road.”
They both were silent for a long time before ted spoke again.
“We have to take her Adrian. We have to go.” His face hardened and he looked up. “I have to do this. I can’t pussy out again and just look to save my ass. This girl needs someone to show up for her and it’s gonna be us. The tickets have already been paid for anyways. Everything’s been reserved. We have to do this.” He said firmly and with eyes clear (albeit red and puffy).
Not surprised by his newfound resolve, Adrian said, “Ok Tyler are you sure? There’s a lot of risk here. I’ll do it – but shoot. It’s scary. But maybe it’s worth it.”
“I’m sure Adrian. I’m sure.”
“So why can’t you just take a friend on the trip? LIKE ME?” Alex struck a pose and framed her face in her hands. “If you ask me, it seems kinda stupid that the second person has to be a ‘chaperone’.” Alex was saying as they walked into the bathroom before their first period class the next morning at school
“I dunno Alex. I know! It’s so stupid! I mean both Mr. and Mrs. Johns are going! It’s not like there won’t be enough supervision!” Jordan replied, smoothing out her school skirt and looking in the mirror at her long brown hair.
“So why can’t your…Dad…go…Since your mom can’t?” Alex then asked a little awkwardly, not wanting to drag up a painful subject but genuinely curious.
“Alex! What the hell? I’ve hardly talked with him since Christmas. And I’ve gone with him on visits since Christmas like twice. I barely wanna see him let alone go on a trip with him! I’d almost rather not go than have to take him!” She looked a little incredulous.
“Oh…yeah…that’s kinda what I figured…” Alex said, trying to play it cool but not fully being able to relate given the turnaround she had seen in her own father.
“But you know, I’m gonna be fine. I like Mr. and Mrs. Johns a lot and even though I can’t substitute you for my mom, I think it’s gonna be really fun.”
Alex smiled and entered a stall as Jordan continued to primp in the mirror, momentarily sniffing the air around herself to see if she could detect any Desitin diaper rash cream her mom had continued to insist on applying nearly daily.
“So what’re you gonna say when you meet Natalie Portman!?” Alex yelled from behind the metal door.
Jeez Alex, way to be comfortable with your bodily functions, Jordan thought before thinking, I guess I’m kinda comfortable and open with some of mine too though.
Yelling back she said, “I dunno, what’d’you suggest?”
As if she had been thinking about it all day, Alex said, “Wellllll…I think you should ask her if she was a Star Wars fan when she was a kid and what it was like to wear that crazy princess outfit. AND if she got to keep a lightsaber!”
The toilet flushed.
“Um…ok…” Jordan responded feeling awkward, “inquiring minds want to know…”
Emerging from the stall, Alex’s voice dropped, “So…what’re you gonna do about…you know…?” She glanced down toward Jordan’s waist.
Quickly Jordan’s eyes darted around the bathroom. “Alex!” she hissed.
“Jordie, no one’s in here! I just think you ought’a think it through a little better than your birthday party if you wanna keep it a secret you know?” She whispered honestly.
Jordan nodded.
“Are you gonna be sharing a hotel room with them?” Alex asked still whispering.
“Yeah, I think so. It’s not gonna be easy that’s for sure.” Jordan admitted.
Turning to look her friend in the eye, Alex asked, “Does your mom still have to put them on you every night?”
Pausing first, Jordan responded whispering, “…um…yeah…pretty much…yeah…”. She felt embarrassed speaking this frankly about her secret with Alex. At the same time, she also felt the urge to find a way to be honest with somebody in her life….
She thought back to the previous night when she and her mother had discussed a plan for dealing with her diapers while on the trip.
Jordan had been lying on her Mom’s bed, legs apart with diaper under her butt and her Mom in the middle smearing ointment every which way, when the two had come to an agreement. Her siblings were already asleep in the other part of the house and the two were deep in conversation in the master bedroom. The bedwetting author would be traveling without either parent to Washington D.C. and therefore she’d he alone with her teacher and his wife.
Of course, however, she’d have to take along all her bedwetting ‘supplies’.
Jordan had begged Sally not to tell the Johns’ about her problem (or the countermeasures) as Sally had taped her up snugly and helped her sit up on the edge of the bed. Jordan had made the argument primarily to avoid having to submit to Mrs. Johns (or worse, Mr. Johns!) diapering of her every night.
That would be the most embarrassing thing ever! She had thought.
But at the same time, Jordan also was afraid of suggesting that she could take care of her own diapering needs on the trip. Over the previous two months, she had spent many afternoons at home alone wearing her diapers around the house compulsively. As a thirteen-year-old girl, she didn’t realize it was a coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, but she did understand she liked how they felt. In any case, Jordan was still terribly embarrassed of this developing habit. And one of the byproducts of this habit none-the-less was a growing competency in self-diapering.
During their conversation that Tuesday night in March, Jordan had been afraid of exposing her diapering expertise primarily because she feared not only her afternoon behaviors being discovered, but also losing her mom’s gentle care each evening. The tall slender girl simply hadn’t been able to bring herself to admit just how much emotional support her mom’s touch provided her. And she was convinced she would almost certainly lose it if she demonstrated she no longer had a physical need for it.
So Jordan’s goals had been twofold: convince Sally to allow her to diaper herself on the Washington D.C. trip without letting her realize that she would be indeed be doing so. All with the intent of maintaining (what she assumed to be) the present illusion that she really needed the continued nightly help. And all of this for the purpose of getting the emotional support from the care Jordan had just barely begun to understand it provided.
Over the course of their conversation, Jordan and her mother had come to agree that the teenager could be the one to talk with the Johns’ herself about her bedwetting and diapers. The thirteen-year-old had begged her mom for this right and Sally had finally relented not entirely sure what the high emotion was all about. Jordan’s plan meanwhile, had been to just to forgo the conversation and proceed with diapering herself and keeping everything a secret.
But thinking about the dynamics of the situation, Sally could imagine drama on the horizon. If the Johns discovered her daughter wearing diapers and Jordan hadn’t followed through (as Jordan was indeed planning not to do) they might be very upset and actually placed in an awkward situation. This would be especially so if they were actually needed somehow to care for Jordan medically! She had felt she had no choice but to discretely follow up with the Johns’ herself, regardless of Jordan’s plea. This just to be sure they were aware and comfortable with such an important, intimate, and odd medical necessity before going on a cross-country trip.
But then another thought had come to mind as Sally helped her diaper daughter lie down under her covers that Tuesday night, if Jordan is arguing with me so vehemently to be the one to ‘tell the Johns’, just so that she can then deliberately not tell them when the time comes, what’s she really trying to hide from me?
Sally thought some more. Ahhh! I see, Jordie’s hiding exactly what Jo talked about a couple weeks ago: what if she’s trying to keep me from knowing how much she likes me diapering her. What if she doesn’t wanna lose it? What if she wants me to think she still needs my help? And if she needs the Johns’ help (even though she doesn’t WANT help at all), she thinks she can continue the charade. So she’s rigged up this whole scheme…
Clever girl…Sally had thought. You are a lot like your dad child.
“Jordan,” Sally had said, “you’re not gonna tell the Johns’ about your diapers are you?”
Stunned Jordan had become stiff under Sally’s touch and responded with, “…w…uh…moo…um…well…”
“Jordie honey, it’s ok. You don’t have to lie to me. I want you to tell me the truth.”
Jordan simply hadn’t been able to say the words. Laying on her back with her head on the pillow, she had just looked at her mom’s face in horror. Like a kid with her hand in the cookie jar.
“Listen honey, I’m pretty sure you’ve been wearing your diapers during the day after school. Is that true? I’ve been noticing we’ve been going through them too fast for over a month now.” She had continued to stroke Jordan’s forearm and Jordan had remained frozen.
Jordan had looked away toward the wall. A single tear streaked down her face.
“If so, it probably means you know how to put them on by yourself pretty well. Right?” Sally had paused again and looked for an affirmative response. Receiving none, she had continued, “But for some reason, you don’t seem to want me to know that…you want me to think you still need help. So you were gonna go on the trip, lead me to think Mrs. Johns would help you, but actually your plan was to just take care of yourself…true?”
Jordan had been frozen in fear and embarrassment. She couldn’t believe this thing that she herself didn’t even understand or accept was known to others – even if it was her mom.
“Did you not want me to know this because you kind of actually…like…my help getting ready for bed Jordie?” Sally let the words hang.
Jordan had felt increasingly ashamed.
“Do you think you maybe kinda need the attention – like emotionally?” Sally paused again. “And maybe you’re scared that if you told me you could handle it yourself on the trip, I might quit the bedtime routine…?”
More tears had streaked down Jordan’s face. And when she sniffed, Sally had known for sure that Jo’s theory was correct. Her own tears had begun running down her weathered face as well.
“Jordie honey, I want you to know that Mommy will take care of you as long as you need it…,” she waited, “do you hear me? As long as you need it.”
Jordan had progressed to full blow hushed whimpers and weeping.
“You have to be honest with me though. You can’t sneak around. You can’t lie. We need to talk about these things. It’s kinda like when we talked about sex that one time with your Dad – we want you to wait to for sex until you’re married but for God’s sake, if you don’t listen to us please don’t lie! You need to be informed. You need to make smart decisions even if you don’t obey us. You need to be wise about it. There are bad consequences if you keep secrets and don’t trust me at your age.”
“….mom I’m sorry – I was scared! But I’m not having sex!” Jordan had said defensively through a curtain of snot and tears.
“I’m not saying it’s the same thing dear I’m just saying that you could get yourself mixed up and in trouble if you’re sneaking around lying to me. What do you think would’ve happened on your trip if something happened and the Johns’ found out about your bedwetting? They’d’ve been pissed at us – VERY – and rightly so for not talking with them about a medical condition. That’s common courtesy. This is all I’m saying sweetie.”
“So you’re not mad at me?”
“Of course not honey.”
Jordan had thought for a minute before she spoke again, “I don’t really know why I do it…I feel so ashamed…and embarrassed…but I can’t stop. It’s like I’m just drawn to it. I can’t help it. And for some reason it helps calm me down…”
Sally had replied, “I know Jordie. I’ve seen it…since the beginning.”
“What? Really?” she had asked genuinely surprised.
“Yeah of course. Mrs. Miller noticed too. We’re not ignorant just because we’re old hags.” She smiled.
Jordan had turned red faced and blotchy in embarrassment.
“Do you—” Sally had paused, “do you…um…pee…in—”
“Yeah.” Jordan had answered shyly, not realizing that her mom was trying to ask if she had been peeing in the bed on purpose since the very beginning.
“Oh…” Sally’s brow furrowed. “So it’s all been…some kind of…hoax….all along then?”
“Wait what?” Jordan had asked back confused, “what are you talking about?”
“I was trying to ask if you – had…had been peeing the bed on purpose from the very beginning…”
“OH NO! No! No!” Jordan had rapidly corrected never having thought of such a convoluted scheme before.
“So – what were you saying ‘yes’ to then?”
“Well…uh…um…like…um…peeing…in them…like…during the day…like…on purpose…” Jordan had looked up and raised her eyebrows to her mom almost as though she was saying it as a question – looking for approval.
“Jordan!” Her mom hadn’t been able to contain her disgust with the idea. “Why?”
Tears had begun streaming once again down the thirteen-year-old’s face. “…Mom!…if you don’t….” she had sniffed a big glob of snot bubbling from her nose, “…if you don’t want me to keep secrets…you can’t react like that…,” she sobbed and snorted, “…like I’m a freak!….”
At that her face had crumpled into another twisted sorrow and pools of shameful tears.
Sally had felt guilty for her accidental gut reaction and had tried to scramble. “I’m sorry dear. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to understand a little. That’s all. I reacted poorly and I’m sorry. We can talk more about it later.” She patted and rubbed the teenager’s back as she cried.
“I love you so much sweetie. I love you just the way you are.” She had continued to say. “Momma’s gonna take very good care of you just as long as you need it sweetie. You’re safe right here with momma.”
How am I ever gonna bring this up again later? She thought to herself as she held her daughter and cried.
Jordan’s mind drifted from those events from the previous night and back into her conversation with Alex in the bathroom and her question about Jordan’s ‘need’ for her mom’s nightly help in diapering.
It was a legitimate question honestly.
What thirteen-year-old girl wouldn’t be capable of taking care of that kind of thing? Many if not most of them were bleeding once a month and had to use a diaper equivalent in one way or another to manage that!
Jordan thought to herself, Maybe I should tell her the truth? Or at least a little more of the truth? Maybe I should tell her that I actually LIKE my mom to put me in my diapers? That I don’t exactly need her help? She rapidly debated it inside her head.
The two stood there at the mirror looking at each other as if waiting for the other to make the next move. Alex could sense the gears turning in Jordan’s head and so she waited to see what was going to come out.
“Well actually Alex, at first, I couldn’t get it so they wouldn’t…like…leak?” She looked up for an affirmation and Alex nodded almost absentmindedly. “But then…well…you see…my Mom was always nagging at me to help more around the house and to help with my sisters…and…well…I kind of liked the attention…”
“Ww…W…What?” Alex said, taking a step toward the door, blocking it as Jordan tried to walk out.
“Why did you ask if you didn’t want to know Alex? I thought we were friends.” Jordan’s bite back was hard.
“S…Sorry…I…I…was…just a little…shocked…” a look of confusion crossed Alex’s face. “So are you saying…you enjoy them?”
Jordan looked embarrassed again and said, “…well…um…it’s just that…well…it’s not that bad…sometimes…”, with an almost undetectable tiny smirk.
Alex’s mind churned rapidly about her own life experiences and what she had learned from her mother. She thought hard before responding again. Finally she said, “You’re one odd duck Jordan Reynolds. I’ve gotta tell you that. But you’re also the smartest person I know and you’re my best friend – so more power to ya I guess.”
Alex offered a hug after which she pulled open the door.