Chapter 38 – [Saturday, April 20, 2002]
Despite Jordan’s newfound babysitting responsibilities, she had still found time over the couple of weeks since spring break to show up at two BCS Track Meets. With all the stress in Jordan’s eventful 7th grade campaign, she had hardly made it to more than a half dozen of Alex’s sporting events all year. But as an added bonus that spring, just as her best friend had promised, Joey Michael been there competing as well.
At the track meet the week of her parents’ divorce hearing, Jordan had strolled around on the field soaking in the different events and laughing and talking with Riley, Cindy, and Georgia. They had made signs for both Alex and Joey; and when Joey ran the 200m race, the three ‘girlfriends’ (along with Alex) had pushed Jordan to the forefront holding a sign with Joey’s name emblazoned on it. When he had crossed the finish line in first place in his heat, the four had screamed wildly. The young athlete had almost tripped looking over his shoulder back at the tall wonder holding the cardboard celebration.
After his 4x100m race, Joey had wandered over to Jordan (who had strategically been abandoned by Riley, Cindy, and Georgia; Alex had been prepping for another event at that moment) and had tried to ‘play it cool’. Jordan’s heart had pounded incredibly hard and she had felt grateful that it was a little sunny in the early Seattle spring – which could account for her cold sweat. Neither had talked about anything meaningful in their awkward conversation, or even that they particularly had more than a platonic interest in each other; but it had been simply exhilarating nonetheless. And it hadn’t been entirely unproductive either, the two had set a ‘date’ to meet up with friends at the mini-mart in Jordan’s neighborhood the coming Saturday.
When Jordan had returned to her small pack of friends, they had buzzed with questions and frenetic Jr. High hormonal energy. “Jordan! You’re so lucky! What did he say?” Cindy exclaimed.
“Yeah Jordan, tell us!” Georgia had chimed in.
“You guys were so cute together.” Riley had smiled and twisted her hands and body together and fluttered her eyes. The four were giddy with excitement for their friend.
Jordan had felt slightly embarrassed to be such a spectacle during her first genuine romantic interaction of her life. But she also was flattered to have such seemingly genuine support and camaraderie.
“Well…he said he thinks I’m cute and he told me again that he really thinks I’m talented at writing. He asked me if I think he’s fast.” She smiled brightly, “And of course I told him he was very fast.”
Each of her friends hung on her words and gleamed intensely.
“What else Jordan?” Riley asked.
“He asked if I wanna go get something to drink with he and Aaron Saturday…at the mini-mart in our neighborhood.” Jordan said, her eyes still bright.
“A DATE!” Cindy exclaimed.
The tall girl with the long brown hair had smiled again, but this time more shyly. “So who wants to come with me?” Her hazel eyes had looked up.
In the end, Alex and Georgia had been elected as the chosen entourage (primarily because they were the only ones free) to go along as well as to prepare her ‘look’ for the big event. Late Saturday morning, Jo Miller picked Jordan up at her house and drove both she and Alex to the Yates’ home.
Once at the familiar mini-mart deli, the group of six friends flirted and played, laughed and caroused, and generally made a scene. For a six-foot-tall introverted author, Jordan had a great time and she could tell that Joey clearly liked her. The whole time they sat together around the deli-tables eating junk food and drinking, he kept bumping into her with his shoulder when he laughed and she knew he didn’t have bad balance. It was a new feeling – but a good feeling —to have that kind of touch with another person. And especially a boy who had the same feelings for her.
However, Jordan also couldn’t help but feel pangs of self-doubt throughout the hormone-festival as well. On more than one occasion, she felt fear rise within her that if this wonderful group of people who genuinely seemed to like her and celebrate her presence in their lives, found out about her diapers, they would all abandon her quicker than she could blink.
Without letting on, her mind spun, if Joey only knew about my ‘problem’ he’d hate me. He’d never want to go out with me – he’d think I was so sick and disgusting. He (and for that matter all these people except maybe Alex) only likes me because he only knows the good things about me.
The “date” had ended a little bitter sweet with these kinds of thoughts for Jordan. Joey had smiled widely at her and even given her a hug (which was a big deal in the grand scheme of BCS Jr. High culture). They had agreed to sit together at lunch the following week and Jordan promised to come to his next ‘home’ track meet, which was a little a little over a week away. She felt excited, overwhelmed, a little obsessed, and terrified all at the same time. Alex and Georgia had gathered around her and jumped up and down in glee after the boys had disappeared around the corner and up the street. From their perspective, everything had gone perfect.
Sally had been surprised Jordan had gone to dinner with Ted and her sisters on Friday night and only discovered the decision after finding the house totally empty. Her daughter, who seemed to straddle aspects of womanhood and toddlerhood, had left a note on the counter. Sally herself had arrived home shortly after the girls had departed with their Dad as had been the plan, but she had assumed Jordan would’ve just stayed behind as had become custom for the girl ever since the fiasco with Melissa the previous December. She had later learned that Melissa was out of the picture from her younger girls who explained the strange absence of the adulteress’ Mercedes when Ted had dropped them off.
On Saturday evening, thoughts of the stress that woman caused Sally just over the past week made her blood pressure rise. Why can’t we just be left alone to live our lives? Why does she keep having to twist her long evil fingers into everything even after she’s supposedly gone? Sally thought.
Her mind floated back to Jo’s suggested strategy for talking with Jordan about why the teen needed to take care of her own diapering for a little while. The plan the two newfound friends had agreed upon was for Sally to explain to Jordan that because of all the additional work she was having to do to support the family financially, along with the added stress and time involved in working to prepare for divorce hearings, she just felt like she needed a break from the nightly output of energy and time – especially if she was going to be getting home later on a regular basis. In addition, Sally thought that she could mention the increasing tension between the younger girls and Jordan – and the obvious jealousy they were feeling for the immense amount of extra “mom” attention she was absorbing. Sally was unsure of whether or not Jordan could grasp this dynamic and was scared of being honest; but she new it wasn’t just an excuse.
Furthermore, Jo had told Sally that perhaps she could offer her daughter the “solution” that maybe in the future, once things cooled down for everyone, if she still “needed” help, she could start assisting again. But to suggest that it seemed like given everything they had talked about before the Washington D.C. trip, Jordan could probably handle it ok on her own for a while.
Sally had been dreading the talk from the moment she and Jo finished their conversation and had been slightly relieved to find the house empty. It gave her a bit more of a buffer to shower, change into pajamas, and get her wits about her before the conversation. She knew it needed to take place sooner than later and a Saturday night after Jordan had had an afternoon of fun with her friends seemed like as good of time as any.
Mother and daughter made nervous eye contact when Mindi excitedly and honestly asked her Mom the same question she had asked her dad about the two getting back together. Sally played it off in similar ways as Ted had. After the younger girls were in bed, Sally made her way to Jordan’s ‘new’ room where she seemed to be waiting for her nightly attire. Rather than ‘hopping to’, Sally sat on the bed beside her daughter.
Here goes. She thought with a sense of foreboding.
“How’re you doing Jordie? We haven’t really talked in a while. You ok?”
“I’m ok mom. Pretty tired. Long week.” She clearly didn’t want to talk; and really wanted to avoid her aberrant evening out with Ted.
“How’re you doing with the baby-sitting stuff I’ve had to ask you to do lately? Has that been alright sweetie?” Sally asked, not really knowing how to get the conversation going.
“Yeah. I guess. It’s not my favorite thing but I know there’s no other way sometimes.” Jordan said, sitting on the bed with her hands lightly gripping the edge of the mattress, shoulders hunched over.
“It’s not my ideal plan either; and I don’t want to add more stress to your plate. But I appreciate your willingness to step in. Things are gonna have to be a little different since your Dad and I are getting divorced. You probably don’t remember much about when I was working full time do you?”
A small burst of fear made its way through Jordan as she thought about changes. These small ones (the babysitting, the new bedroom, going with her Dad) had crept up on her in some sense. But she now felt some foreboding for what this conversation might be all about.
Jordan shook her head lightly in disagreement. She had been seven when her mom stopped working for good and she could remember having to go to the church-school daycare. But it was all she had ever known. The traumatic part was more about having to share her Mom with the new creatures that inhabited her house. Those crying, pooping and peeing, miniature people. “I remember some.” She said.
“Well to me it almost feels like another life away. Another time altogether. This is pretty strange now and I’m still trying to figure it out. Coming home late and finding the house empty for example – that’s weird.” Sally regretted the sentence after she had said it. She didn’t want her girl to feel guilty for going with her Dad even though she couldn’t have possibly been angrier with Ted.
As Jordan frowned, Sally quickly added, “Sorry. I didn’t mean that to sound like criticism. I’m happy you decided to visit with your Dad…I hope some day you can forgive him…I hope I can too someday. All I was trying to say is that this is a new experience for me. That’s all.”
“I’m not sure why I even went Mom,” Jordan said sounding defensively, “It was just kind of impulsive. Maybe he seemed a little different or something. I dunno. And then after he said he broke it off with that idiot, well…maybe he was acting a little different. I think he tried to apologize too. It was so weird. I didn’t know what to do.”
What the hell? What are you up to Ted? What is going on? Sally thought, confused, assuming Ted was trying to manipulate Jordan as he appeared to be trying to manipulate the court.
Sally didn’t know how to respond, so she tried to steer the conversation. “So how was your little outing today? Who did you go with?”
Almost immediately Sally detected Jordan’s blush and the tall teen turned her face slightly to hide her embarrassment at her attraction to the opposite sex. Because of Jordan’s semi-secrecy about the event, Sally had assumed a boy must’ve been involved one way or another.
“Come’on now you can trust your momma can’t you? Who is he?” She smiled and so did Jordan.
“Well. If you must know. It was Joey Michael. And Alex and Georgia.”
“Joey from down the street? Oh he’s cute Jordan! Isn’t he on the basketball team?”
“Yeah. I went to Alex’s track meets this week and last remember? Well he’s on the track team too. And. Well. We decided to go hang out today.” She smiled again, embarrassed; starting to feel warm inside as she thought about Joey.
“So what do you like about him?”
Jordan went on at length to describe his dreamy qualities; his eyes and muscles; his social prowess and popularity; his athletic ability; the way he had noticed her on the bus and listened to her story – she could feel herself getting turned on although she was only moderately aware of those new physical processes.
“Wow. It sounds like you’ve thought a lot about this guy.” Sally reflected back, trying not to sound condescending to her teenage daughter’s infatuation, but also trying not to encourage it too thoroughly.
“Yeah. He’s just about perfect I think.” Jordan stopped for a moment to think before adding, “How do you know when you’ve met the one?”
Sally couldn’t help herself after a question like that. “Whoa Jordan dear! You’re thirteen years old. Let’s not get too far down the road or aisle here ok?”
“Mom!”
“Listen dear. Joey’s a great boy. And you’re a great girl. And you both are gonna make great partners for people someday. But that’s not gonna happen anytime soon. You’ve got a lot of life to live first. You’ve got a lot of school to go through first. Your Dad and I always agreed that we wanted you girls to be able to go on dates and have ‘boyfriends’ when you started to grow up a little – and you clearly are. But just have fun with it Jordie. Learn about how to get along with boys. Don’t take it too seriously.”
Jordan nodded, looking very serious. “I just…I just really like…I…I dunno…I don’t wanna be alone you know?”
“Well sure dear. No one does. But sometimes…sometimes…girls feel obligated or pressured to give too much of themselves to boys because they want safety or companionship or affirmation – and boys your age – even boys like Joey. They’re a lot less mature than most of you girls. And they will be for about 10 years.” Jordan chuckled and Sally smiled.
“So if you let them touch you or do things that you’re not really comfortable with – because you expect them to give you something like self-confidence or companionship back, you’re gonna be disappointed. Boys are just that. They’re still boys. Not quite men. They think with their penises a lot of the time.” “Mom!” Jordan shrieked in embarrassment, hearing the clinical term.
“Jordie I just want to be honest with you sweetie. I know we’ve talked about this stuff before, but I wanna talk about it again. A lot of boys will use you up if you let them. And a girl might get twitterpated or flattered by that kind of nonsense. But a woman who’s maturing sees through it. Some boys will take whatever you offer – they’re so full of hormones at this age that they can hardly help it. Some of them (and there’s no excuse for it) even try to take without asking…that’s why I don’t want you out walking at night – especially alone.”
Jordan nodded – now more gravely. “What if I want to do stuff too though?” She asked. “You make it sound like boys are the only ones that like touching. Girls like it too right?”
She’s right really…we always act like boys are the only ones who have sexual attraction. It probably makes us think that boys are some kind of monsters and girls ought to be pure petals of asexual loveliness. It sets almost everyone up to fail!
Sally responded, “Sure Jordan, girls like being touched too. It’s good. So you need to manage your impulses too. But it seems like boys are often the ones that focus on it more…that’s all. Have you and Joey…kissed? Or…touched…?” Sally asked uncomfortably but curiously.
“Mom!” “Jordan, I’m not trying to pry sweetie; or make you embarrassed. I just want you help you make good decisions that you won’t regret. Dating and boys and touching are really fun and exciting things. And when it’s so new like it is for you, it’s sometimes easy to do things you later wish you hadn’t. Now that you’ve been having your period for example, you’re able to have a baby.” Sally paused and turned her head, looking Jordan in the eyes. “Think about that Jordan. I know at school and at church and everything they say you shouldn’t have sex until you get married and your Dad and I agree with that. But some kids (Sally thought to herself, more like, MOST kids) don’t follow that advice and some girls end up pregnant at 15 or 16 because they do it stupidly and don’t take precautions. Can you imagine that? Having a baby at your age? You’d be faced with incredibly hard decisions and your baby would be faced with a tough life as well. Some girls who have kids that young don’t get to go to college or have a career; others end up depressed or addicted because they secretly can’t forgive themselves for giving their baby up for adoption. All because they didn’t think about these things before getting busy with their boyfriends.”
Jordan nodded, still silent.
“What do you think about any of this? Does any of it make sense? Or do you think your mom is just a crotchety old bat with no sense of fun?”
Jordan still sat slumping and silently gripping the edge of the bed. Eventually she spoke. “Mom. All I did was go out with friends to the deli. I feel like you’re accusing me of being some kind of…slut.”
Shoot. This is devolving…The poor thing feels attacked. Sally thought as Jordan finally started to pep up and talk a little.
“Jordie! No! Absolutely not. That’s not what I’m trying to do at all. I’m really sorry if that’s how I’m coming across. This is awkward for me as a Mom too.” She paused. “The main thing Jordie. Is that I want you to know that I love you no matter what; and that you can trust me to talk about anything you run into. It’s not that I’m going to be all upset with you or angry or disappointed if you make a mistake or don’t listen to my advice or whatever – it’s just that there are certain things in the area of sexuality that have major, life-altering consequences. Like – consequences not imposed by Mom or Dad, just from life and circumstance. Like if you don’t use protection or aren’t careful in other ways, you could end up with not just a baby, but a disease like AIDS or another STD. And those types of ‘consequences’ can stay with you forever or even kill you. And if you’ll trust me, we can talk about things and I can help give you wisdom as you make your own decisions with your own body. Ok?”
Jordan nodded. “Well…what…I mean…I’m not planning on having…s…sex with anyone….but…what…what do you mean by…protection?”
Jordie!? Jeez. This girl is so naïve! What the hell is wrong with her parents? Sally chided herself. “Sweetie, I mainly mean condoms. Have you heard that word before?”
The girl’s eyes widened. “Oh….well…yeah…I guess. But I thought only…like…prostitutes used those or gay men or something…?”
“No Jordie. Many different people use them. In fact, your Dad and I have used them at some points in our marriage.” A look of disgust came over the Teen’s face and Sally quickly recovered, “Listen I’m not going to go into details dear. Just…condoms are for everyone; they have many uses. Would you like to see one? I think I might have one around here someone.”
Jordan gave a slight nod and Sally got up to go to her bedroom. When she returned, she had several in her hand as well as a packet of birth control pills. Sally gave Jordan a full demonstration of how to use the accessory (complete with a banana) and an explanation of different forms of preventing pregnancy. The thirteen year old had remained in almost silent wonder (and still some embarrassment). Yet, feeling emboldened and undeterred, the mother pushed on greatly desiring to give her daughter a fighting chance of making good decisions for her sexual health; this conversation was a gift she herself had never received as a child.
Jordan started asking more questions – adolescent ones – about midway through the demo. How big penises get, what they look like (she only had sisters and so she really had very limited experience), what semen looks and smells and feels like, how much of it comes out, when women actually are “fertile”, what clitorises and orgasms are, how vaginas ‘lubricate’, what a ‘blow job’ is, and many others. Sally patiently and carefully answered them all in as age-appropriate of a way as possible.
“So what do you think is a good boundary right now for you – as a girl in Jr. High I mean? If you ended up with a boyfriend – like Joey or something? How far would be too far for you?” Jordan looked at her mom with awkward judgment.
“I’m sorry Jordie if this is weird. But if we don’t think about these things and make decisions ahead of time, it’s really really hard to make them in the moment. I mean. Couples do lots of things before they have intercourse.” She paused. “Sometimes by the time they get to that point, putting on a condom is the last thing they think about.”
Jordan nodded and then paused for a few seconds. “I want to wait until I get married – or at least until I’m with the person I’m gonna marry…before I have sex. I don’t want a baby or a disease either Mom.” She parroted back some of what she had been taught in her Christian education; and some of what she had heard Sally say. “I want sex to be special; with the person I’m gonna be with forever.”
“Anything else? I mean – during this stage of your life?”
Jordan laid back on her bed, scooting around so she was perpendicular to Sally who still sat on the edge.
Sorry sweetie. I’m not trying to make this painful. We just need to talk about it. Sally thought.
“I dunno Mom. Hold hands probably. Hug? I might wanna kiss a boy at some point… That’s about it right now I think.” She looked up to her Mom for approval as Sally looked back over her shoulder.
“Well I’m not trying to evaluate or give permission for whatever. But that seems like an appropriate set of boundaries to me at this time in your life.”
Jordan nodded slightly and yawned.
“Now I know you’re tired. But we need to talk about one more thing.” Sally looked back and Jordan turned her head. Their eyes met. “You know this has been a very difficult few months for me dear and I think it’s gonna become even heavier. My stress isn’t your responsibility. But just like you helped with babysitting some these past few weeks, my new work schedule and everything has some practical consequences. I’m just not home all the time anymore. And if I’m spending a half hour helping you with your diapers every night, I hardly have any time at all for your sisters. They’ve been behaving like they’re pretty jealous anyways – I can’t imagine you haven’t noticed – but If I just rush them off to bed every single night just so I can come take care of you, we’re gonna have world war three on our hands.”
Jordan was silent again.
“So listen. You obviously know how to put on your own diapers Jordie.” “Mom…I…I…I’m not…it’s…” she scrambled, embarrassed to talk about her afternoon activities.
“Jordie sweetie, it’s ok. I understand…kind of…I’m not saying you can’t do that. What I am saying is that I want you to get yourself ready for bed for a while…ok?”
Jordan had a bewildered look on her face.
“Now after all this stuff cools down and life goes back to normal, and you still feel like you need some help…you still need it for whatever reason…we’ll talk about it and I can start helping you some again. Ok sweetie?”
Jordan had a tear on her cheek – which caused Sally to respond in kind.
“I’m sorry honey. This is hard for me too. But I think it’s for the best for both of us.” Sally patted her daughter’s arm, kissed her forehead, bade her goodnight, and left the room. Jordan was reeling.