“Alright Rachel, but it’ll have to wait a bit more dear, I’ve got to say my good byes and thank my team lead for inviting me. He didn’t have to do it you know.” I nodded, of course he didn’t have too, and would likely face no consequences if he didn’t, but when crunch time came team cohesion was important and it was generally a good idea to have everyone feeling some sense of obligation towards one another. Still, it was thoughtful of him. “I want you to know though, I’m proud of you for being so brave tonight,” he spoke in a hushed voice, just loud enough for me to hear him over the party taking part in the next room, “I’m proud of you, Rach.” With a last kiss, he made his way back to the action.
Dex swung shut the door to his Honda Civic. We’d just extricated ourselves from the party and it had been 14 minutes, I’d counted, since our conversation. He put his arm around my lower back and led me to the car as I leaned into his shoulder and sniffed in the musky cologne on his jacket The Daddy Smell that made him seem 20 years older and me 20 years younger. When I sat down I felt the warm smush of the goodnite, urine seeping back up from the core and pooling around me. He buckled my seat belt and closed my door before going over to his side. Once he turned the key in the ignition he looked over at me.
“Anything you want to say?”
“Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits!” I began quietly, “Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits! Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits! Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucking-fucker TITSTITSTITSSHITSHITPISSFUCKFUCKFUCKINGFUCKSHIT!” I began to hyperventilate and cry but I was calming down. Dex, for his part, gave a reassuring look and rubbed my back with one hand like he always did when I recited the ‘Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television’. It was a mantra of mine whenever I had a panic attack. Usually I whispered them like an obscene prayer. Sometimes though, like this one, it came out all screaming and snotting and sobbing.
“I hate this,” I whimpered. Dex was concerned now, and looked hurt.
“What do you mean, Rach?”
“I hate being such an embarrassment. Such a-a…” I was at a loss. Would ‘baby’ have been too appropriate or not at all appropriate all things considered? “You were just, just having so much fun with your coworkers. Your good at that, meeting new people and all. I was just frozen against the wall all night. I must have been such an embarrassment. I’m sorry Dex.” He reached over the console and took my hand in his, fingers twining tightly into mine.
“Oh, Rachey.” He sadly sighed, “I’m not disappointed in you. I told you, you were such a big brave girl tonight. You made me very proud.”
“I know. You said I was brave. But that’s not something you should have to tell your 25 year old girlfriend at an office party. I’ve been to parties with you before, with the people from your old studio, but I’ve never been like this. Just, this is as bad as it gets. And I know, I’m a brave little girl, but as a woman, I’m just such a-”
“You’re brave.” He said firmly, in his strong daddy voice. He was tall and lanky like me, wore glasses like me and was a total geek like me but when he put on Daddy voice, he was so big and strong to me. “No matter how big you are.” He gave my hand a tight squeeze before letting go. “Check the glove box sweetheart.” Tentatively, I reached out my hand and undid the latch. One item fell to the floorboards while another was slumped over, safe and sound.
“Well, whose been hiding in the glove box, Rachey?” He playfully asked. Inside sat a half man-half dragon-half octopus plushy in resplendent green. In the dread glove box for my boyfriend’s Honda, Plush Cthulhu waits dreaming. On the floor was a purple pacifier with pink hearts on the knob. I scooped it up and popped it into my mouth, before taking Cthulhu and snuggling the Old God. “What do you say little one.”
“Tank you, Daddy.”
“You’re welcome angel. I know you’re exhausted from that panic attack, just lay back and shut your eyes. Christmas eve traffic is going to be a pain getting back across the bay to Oakland, so just rest for a bit. I’ve got something special planned when we get home.