She would end it, all right. Deanna wanted a fight; she would have one. With Jed’s training and a renewed sense of confidence, she didn’t feel nearly as wishy-washy and insecure as she had been. “Know what?” she smarmily taunted. “I’m gonna kick your butt.”
Deanna went momentarily wide-eyed. It was clear to Megan that she never thought her challenge would be met. Megan savored the look of surprise on her face, basking in a moment of pure ecstasy.
“Bitch,” Deanna whispered in a low growl. “You’re fucking on! The lot behind Selby’s in an hour. Be there.”
“I will,” Megan shot back. “Oh, and Deanna. Don’t even bother bringing your silly knife. It’s just going to get taken away from you.”
Deanna sneered and they went their separate ways. Megan felt bold and determined as she strode home. The more steps she took under the hot sun, however, the more her confidence began to wane. By the time she got home, she was in a full-fledged state of doubt.
“Hey Meg,” Carrie greeted cheerfully. “Me and Steve are going to a movie. Wanna join us?”
Megan seemed incredulous. “You and Steve?”
“Yeah. It’s rated R. He wants me to sneak him in.”
“A minor being aided by a minor,” Megan said with a visible smirk. “Gotta love the irony.”
“Well, make it an adult aiding two minors and come join us.”
“I…uh…can’t right now,” she said swallowing hard. “But if you wait til later, I might join you….assuming I’m still alive.”
She had mumbled the last part and brushed past her sister en route to her room. Alone, Megan let herself collapse. She stripped down to her diaper, popped a pacifier into her mouth and cuddled a stuffed animal. This was nuts, she thought. Fighting Deanna? What was she thinking? Fighting wasn’t something she did. Fighting was best left to the big, sweaty men of the world….or to the girls like Deanna. Good girls didn’t fight. Period. And yet…
“This has gotta end,” she told herself. She prodded herself into preparation. First, a diaper change. Next, she donned a pair of old shorts that were too tight and too short and a badly faded t-shirt. If she was going to get beat up, at least her better clothes would be spared. She was sticky with sweat but opted to postpone showering until after the deed was done.
“I can do this,” she said, standing in front of the mirror and trying to look intimidating. With the thick, bulky diaper around her middle, she came off as ridiculous. Nonetheless, she couldn’t bring herself to give up. If she did, she knew she woudln’t be able to walk around town without fear. Besides, Jed had trained her well and she had a significant size advantage. Confident once more, she stepped out of her room….and nearly collided with her brother.
“Hey Meg,” Stephen said. “How come you aren’t going to the movie?”
“There’s something I have to take care of first,” she told him, sounding suspiciously like John Wayne filtered through Marsha Brady.
He shrugged. “Whatever.”
Megan smiled. She had an idea. “Hey Steve,” she said. “Do me a favor and run at me.”
“Why?”
“Just do it,” she said. “I want to show you something.”
That was reason enough and the rambunctious eleven year old let out a rebel yell as he charged at his sister. A moment later, he found himself lying face up on the floor, dazed and disoriented.
“Oh my God,” Megan fretted, awed by the success of her well-timed throw. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“Cool,” Stephen replied. “Way cool. You’ve gotta teach me that sometime.”
“I will,” she replied and then mumbled, “if I’m still alive.”
Megan pulled up to the lot with five minutes to spare.
“This is so stupid,” she griped as she sat waiting in her car. “This is….wrong. And I’m doing it anyway.”
She turned on the radio to calm her nerves, kicked back and relaxed. It dawned on her that Deanna herself might not even show. She thought of how funny it would be if upon noticing that Megan was for real she opted to chicken out. That would be the end-all; the perfect conclusion to an imperfect tragedy.
Megan was still pondering this when she heard a tap on her window. The noise startled her half to death and caused her to void her bladder. The thought of fighting in a wet diaper was none too comforting to her.
Sighing, Megan shut off the radio and stepped out of the car. There stood Deanna, sporting a Cheshire Cat-sized grin.
“I’m surprised you showed,” she said. “Ya know, I think I’ll let you live.”
“Just get it over with,” Megan said joylessly.
“What’s the matter Meggie?” Deanna teased. “Not so fucking tough any more, are ya? Now that there’s no one around to save your fat ass, you’re not tough at all you pants-pissing baby!”
Before Megan could come up with a suitable retort, Deanna lunged at her. She was clumsy but quick. Megan felt the wind go out of her as they fell to the ground. The last of her illusions left her as she stared into the darkness of Deanna’s chaotic, fiery eyes. It was most definitely on.
“If she has you pinned down,” Jed had told her. “Use your weight.”
Deanna raised her fist to pummel her. Megan shrieked and rolled, knocking Deanna off in the process. She quickly scurried to her feet and backed up. A moment later, Deanna was up as well, a wicked grin upon her face.
“You can’t fight for shit,” Deanna taunted. “In my house, you wouldn’t last a week.”
“You’re right,” Megan said. “I wouldn’t.”
Deanna encircled her, baiting her with jabs. Megan dodged most of them but caught a glancing blow to the shoulder. She fights like a guy, she thought. She was disciplined and experienced. There was no hair-pulling or petty slapping. Megan began to wonder how many brawls she had been in. Probably too many to count. The sad thing was that while she was on the verge of freaking out, one more fight to Deanna made nary a difference.
“Hit me, goddamn it!” Deanna dared, annoyed by Megan’s evasiveness.
She didn’t want to. She didn’t want any of this to be happening, but it was. She thought back to the day at the pool, where she had been just minding her own business, scoping out the cute lifeguard and trying to relax. She remembered how scared she had been when Deanna and her sister assaulted her and how dirty and ashamed she felt afterwards. She remembered Deanna in high school: jumping people in the girls’ bathroom and taking their money; kicking guys in the nuts when she (often incorrectly) amassed that they were looking at her wrong, making life hell for everyone. This was one sick puppy and someone had to put her down. Might as well be her. After all, she was the glue; the responsible one.
Megan waited for her next jab, sidestepped and popped her one in the nose. Deanna went reeling backwards while blood cascaded down her face. Megan was stunned. She couldn’t believe her own hand did that. And to think: it didn’t even hurt.
“Gaaaaaah!” Deanna shrieked and charged blindly. Just as she had done with Stephen, Megan threw her to the ground. Deanna coughed, spat gravel and started to get back up. Megan shoved her back down. She started to get back up. Megan shoved her back down.
“Oh why don’t you quit!” she said in annoyance. It was like fighting the Terminator and it bothered her. What if she didn’t give up? How far would she have to go? She was already a sweaty mess. She was breathing rapidly, her diaper was saturated and her hair was frazzled beyond belief. There was hardly a scratch on her, but she felt as if she had gone twenty rounds.
Deanna, for her part, refused to desist. She lunged at Megan’s leg and Megan kicked her off. She tried to drag Megan down and Megan slapped her hands away. All the while, she knew one good kick in the face would put her out for good, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
“If nothing else works,” Jed had said in summation. “Just sit on them. That’s what I would do.”
Megan smiled. Good old Jed.
Deanna grabbed for her leg once more and this time Megan allowed for herself to be toppled. She fell to the ground and Deanna tried to wrangle her in. Her shorts came down in the process, exposing her diaper. Megan looked around. On a day as hot as this one, most people were inside or at the pool. There were no witnesses to this mayhem. That had scared her a moment ago, but it now made her feel sad.
“Kill you!” Deanna continued to scream. Megan rolled her onto her back and straddled her. Deanna bucked wildly, but she couldn’t knock her off. Megan smiled. The thickness of her diaper shielded her from Deanna’s savage attempts to bite her or headbutt her way out of the predicament.
“I knew this would come in handy,” she said, patting her diaper while Deanna struggled beneath her.
“You fucking cunt!” Deanna yelled. She was starting to sound winded. Megan went in for the proverbial kill. She grabbed Deanna’s head and pressed her face into the front of her diaper. She continued to hold it there while she peed. When she at last removed it a moment later, Deanna was gasping for air and looked about ready to admit defeat.
“OK,” she said, struggling to regain her breath. “OK already! Crazy bitch: you tried to fucking suffocate me.”
“All’s fair in love and…”
It was all the time Deanna needed to slide her foot loose and reach into her sock for the knife. Megan froze. At this range, she didn’t stand a chance.
“Oh God,” she gasped. Closing her eyes tightly and tensing up, she brought her hand down in a karate chop. A moment later, she heard the sound of the knife falling to the pavement. Megan opened her eyes. Deanna was out cold.
She felt like screaming as she got up and adjusted her shorts. It was over. Deanna lay splayed out on the pavement like a dead rat, her face bloody, her knees scraped and her eyes closed. Her knife lay beside her, its blade shimmering in the golden sun. Megan breathed gracious relief in big, heaping gasps. There was blood on her hands, blood on her shirt, blood on the front of her diaper. It looked like a finger-painting experiment gone horrible awry. Vomit rose up on her throat and she leaned against her car for support. She might have won the so-called fight, but what the hell was going to do now?
“Please be home,” Megan begged as she stood at Jed’s door and rang the bell. A moment later he answered. He took one look at the blood on her and whistled in amazement.
“Looks like you and your friend finally got to tango,” he said. “If you’re this badly banged up, I’d hate to see her.”
Megan looked back towards her car. Jed nodded and followed her. Deanna lay in the trunk wrapped in a towel; still bloody and still unconscious.
“I…”Megan whimpered. “I didn’t know what else to do!”
Jed swallowed hard and surveyed the situation. He noticed the knife in the trunk, obviously Deanna’s. He noticed the way Meg was shaking. He began to piece things together, problem and solution.
“All right,” he said firmly. “I’ll take care of it.”
“Take care of it?” she asked. “What are you going to do?”
“Trust me on this one, OK?”
She nodded.
After doing a precursory check for witnesses, they hauled Deanna out of the trunk and into the house. They cleaned her face up and stowed her away in a guest bedroom.
“She’ll be out for awhile,” Jed explained. “When she wakes up, I’ll deal with it. In the meantime, that leaves you.”
“I can’t go home like this,” Megan said, trying to maintain her composure. “I…I don’t mean to lay this all on you, but….”
“You didn’t have anyone else to turn to and you had a feeling I’d understand?”
Sniffling, she nodded. She wanted to undo what had just happened, but she knew she could not.
“All right,” Jed repeated. “It’s not all that bad. Not as bad as it could be at any rate. But you can’t tell anyone about this. Do you understand?”
Megan nodded.
“Let me hear you say the words.”
“I won’t tell anyone about this.”
“Good,” he said. “Now…I want you to go and take a bath. Relax, soak for awhile and get clean. I’m going to need the clothes that you’re wearing anyway.”
Megan nodded again. Jed escorted her to the bathroom, handed her a towel and left her to soak in privacy. Megan tried to relax. The warm water felt inviting. She tried to let go her guilt as the blood and sweat cascaded down the drain. Laying naked in the tub in a strange man’s house made her feel vulnerable, but at the same time secure. It was as if by coming down to her most basic level no one could touch her.
After what seemed like an hour, she finally finished soaking, dried herself off and emerged wrapped in a towel.
“I’ll have some clothes for you in a sec,” Jed told her. “In the meantime, you have any extra diapers?”
“In the trunk,” Megan informed him.
Jed returned momentarily with shorts, a t-shirt and a fresh diaper. Megan was grateful for the clothes but looked at them suspiciously. They were women’s clothes.
“Your wife’s?” she asked.
Somberly, he nodded.
“They should fit. If not, too bad.”
He again left her alone to change in privacy, but alone was the last place Megan wanted to be. Still clad in a towel, she sought Jed out and asked for the ultimate favor.
“Jed? Can you….um….boy, this is awkward. I’m really not feeling……I mean, I don’t think I can…”
He sighed and clutched the countertop, his arms bulging. “You want me to dress you and hold you until you feel better? Is that it?”
Megan nodded. It was as if he could read her mind.
He sighed. “I’m only doing this once. Once with you anyway.”
“If it’s a problem, then…”
“I said I’d do it, didn’t I?”
Megan found a space in his den, spread out the towel she was wearing and lay on it naked. It was an American Beauty moment if there ever was one. The vulnerability/invulnerability returned. The desire to go forward and the desire to go back seemed to collide. A single tear streamed down her cheek.
“This is so…” she began and trailed off.
Jed, for his part, did not say a word. He diapered her and dressed her, taking time to play with her toes and tickle her feet. There was something genuinely gentle about his manner, but also something foreboding and detached. As he cradled her on his lap, she could feel his longing. She began to understand why he held back and why they would never do this again. She would be going back to school soon and he could not, or at least would not, withstand any more loss.
“Thank you,” she said while he stroked her hair. “I don’t know how I can repay you….”
“I do,” he sharply interjected. “Stay out of trouble.”
Megan smiled and kissed him.
“Time’s up,” he said, gently shoving her away.
She nodded and vacated his lap.
“Cya around,” he said as she walked out the door. She did not look back.
“Conclusions,” Meg wrote in her diary. “I’ve spent a lot of this summer chasing my own butt, trying to get in touch with my own inner child and relive the glory days of childhood. At the same time, I’ve been continuing to grow and mature and look for new ways to deal with the world. There have been times where I wanted one and not the other and plenty more times where I wanted to do both. That’s what really threw me off: wanting both at once. I mean….how perverse is that?
Anyway, ramifications aside, it seemed for awhile like it would be impossible. I had to shield one side from the other. But hey, things change. I began to unravel and….gasp….the world did not end. I also discovered I CAN have both at once, just not with that particular guy. Sigh…oh well, it wouldn’t have worked anyway. I guess the key here is balance. Yeah, balance. Duh….that’s what I’ve been searching for all along. It took me forever because I had it all wrong. Balance isn’t “in order for everyone else to be happy, my life must suck.” Its “people will be happy sometimes and so will I.” Sometimes. Yeah……sometimes.
Anyway, about the diaper thing. I did what I set out to do (though it took me awhile to figure out that I wanted to do it). Now that I know that I can, the mystique is half-gone. And it doesn’t seem right that I should wear (or be stuck wearing) them all the time just for those few times that I want them. Lets face it: its been a shitty summer, but I’m not THAT stressed out. I can deal….I think. So….where does that leave me? I might give them up. Not sure if I want to do that yet or even if I can, but its something to ponder. I’m going to give Helen a call, maybe get her take. If nothing else, I owe her thanks. I’m also going to see if I can get a hold of Josh and tell him not to come back.
Well, diary o’mine, its been a wild ride, but I’m beat. Nap time….
-Meg
A.) Megan decided to give up her diapers. It was, as she said, “a wild ride”, but it was time for it to end. She didn’t really need them (give her a week and the accidents would go away) and it wasn’t practical for her to be wearing them in college anyway.
B.) Megan decided to keep on wearing diapers. She felt she had stumbled on to a good thing and there was no use in parting with it. Besides, Kylie was open-minded: she wouldn’t care.
C.) Megan agreed on a compromise: she’d stop wearing diapers for the time being, but they’d always be there when and if she needed them.