“Everything,” Ella said before letting her head fall onto her mom’s shoulder. Her joints ached. Her skin burned. There were open sores in her mouth and throat that refused to heal.
Ella didn’t have to find a clock to know what time it was. It was a little after 10:00 pm on a Tuesday night. Chemo was on Tuesdays and Thursdays and by 10:00pm, six hours after treatment, she would lose the fight to her gurgling stomach.
“I know, sweetie, I know.” She felt her mother’s arm tighten around her. “I just wish I could make it all better.” Her voice was choked with sobs. “No eight year old should have to go through this. I’d do anything to make it all better.”
Ella awoke from her dream feeling dazed and confused. This was not where she had fallen asleep, she was sure of it. Instead of being pretzeled under the desk, she was stretched out on the black leather sofa in the office, covered by the sheet that had once hidden her from view. She tried to sit up, but a weight on her chest kept her pinned down. She reached a hand up and stroked the furry lump that seemed more than content to suffocate her in the name of its comfort.
“He hasn’t left your side all evening.” a voice said startling her. The cat had blocked her view of the other occupant on the opposite end of the couch by her feet. “C’mon, Ribbit, let her sit up. You can mooch off her body heat later.”
The pressure was suddenly lifted off her chest followed by an indignant, “mrow!” Ella sat up and scooched as far away from the couches occupant as possible. The red haired man merely smiled. She eyed him suspiciously.
She didn’t have much experience in dealing with men, apart from Batman (A.k.a. Pedro from janitorial) and her soccer coach. Since her mom had stopped liking her soccer coach, Ella had decided she hadn’t liked him either. She couldn’t even remember his name now. Pedro was alright though, sometimes he snuck her a piece of candy when Rose wasn’t looking from the nurses station.
Once when Ella had been really sick, Pedro had come in her room and “accidentally” dropped a few jolly ranchers in her bed. Rose had caught him and chased him out with one of her shoes while yelling, “Get your nasty man germs outta here!” while hopping on one foot. They had both been laughing, so Ella knew he wasn’t really in trouble. Ella had been laughing too, until she had spotted them kiss outside her room a few minutes later. She quickly realized that had not been something they had meant her to see when Rose waggled her shoe at her. She had quickly pretended to be asleep after that.
“Was I surprised to find a little sleeping girl under my desk tonight.” Said Charlie. Ella studied his face, but he didn’t seem mad. “Reminds me of Danielle when she was little, used to fall asleep in the strangest of places.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes with Ella curled up in the sheet as she hugged her knees unsure of whether she should stay or make a break for it. She thought back to the dream she was having and a stab of guilt pierced her heart. Had she really been so ready to throw away her own mother in favor of the first woman who had picked her up and hugged her?
She didn’t want you. You were broken. No one wanted you. That’s why you sat alone in the hospital for so long.
She tried to shake the thoughts out of her head. She felt sick enough without the added stress.
“So, um, there’s dinner downstairs if you’re hungry. I can reheat it if you’d like, we figured you’d rather sleep.” said Charlie. Ella shook her head. The last thing she felt like doing was eating. “Danielle said something about you wanting to be alone for a while.” Ella shrugged.
“I heard you had a rough day at the doctors.”
Ella shrugged again. She had been through worse. It was just different. Usually the projectiles came from the other end.
“I know it’s only been a day, but are you settling in okay? I mean, I know going to the doctor first thing wasn’t exactly the greatest welcome home celebration but…”
She gave the so-so motion with her hand. She didn’t want to seem ungrateful. She was finally in a real home with a mom, a dad, and a sister, but it had not been the dream she had expected. She wanted to bring it up, but she didn’t know how. Fortunately for Ella, Charlie had seemed to read her mind.
“Is it the fighting?” Ella widened her eyes and nodded. She was not used to being around this much conflict.
“Those two…” he said letting out an exasperated sigh. “They’re best buddies one minute and at each other’s throats the next. It’s just extra bad right now with the, uh, change.”
You’re the change. It’s your fault.