Horror flooded through me. I’m not happy about wearing knickers beneath my boys clothes, let alone a nappy that might be wet when we arrive. I begged my mother not to make me wear a nappy for the journey. “Well… I suppose an hour isn’t ‘that’ long.” she conceded, before telling me to go before we leave.
I pushed my fists through my jacket sleeves as we prepared to leave. Mum suggested I bring something to read on the way, such as my Pettiquette book. I’d flicked through it several times and really didn’t like what I saw. “What’s that one?” I asked, referring to Mum’s green book.
“This?” she said, showing me the cover. “It’s the same as yours really, only this one’s for parents.” she told me before telling me to fetch my Pettiquette book. I moaned and said I’d rather look out of the window. “It’s either your book or Florence.. it’s up to you.” she told me. I took the book and followed her to the car. “By rights, petticoated boys should be on the back seat.” Mum said as I opened the passenger door. “But I suppose you’ll be OK in the front.” she added. I think I’d have preferred to be in the back because being beside her means she can constantly prompt me to read my book and not look at the landscape.
My Pettiquette book is full of FAQs, and not surprisingly, one is ‘Why do I have to wear nappies?’
It states that all petticoatees must wear a nappy at bedtime because bed time means ‘bed’ time. Your nappy alleviates to need to use the bathroom during the night, which can disturb other members of your household. It also discourages one from playing with themselves. If you have to wear your nappy during the day, it’s usually a result of naughty behaviour, disobedience or poor personal hygiene. Don’t expect to be allowed to change it the moment it’s wet or soiled, so always apply plenty of nappy rash cream before donning your nappy, and make sure that you properly cleanse yourself afterwards. Don’t expect a grown-up to do this for you. You’re not a baby.
Mum asks me what it says, so I hesitantly paraphrase. “It doesn’t say anything about having to wear one for long journeys.” I mumble.
“Maybe it mentions it in another section.” she replied. “What else does it say?” I meekly mention the nappy rash cream. “Oh yes… and I forgot to get you some.” Mum replied. “We’ll pick some up in town when we go to spend your gift vouchers.”
My mother had asked the members of my family to give me gift vouchers rather than buying something. The gift vouchers from my Grandparents, aunts and uncle added up to £25 and since the January sales start on December 27th, I might find the Intercity 125 train set at a knock down price. “Can we go tomorrow?” I eagerly asked.
“If you like.” Mum smiled.
Mum directs me to a section titled Visiting Friends and Relations. It tells me to be polite, to only speak when spoken to, to say please and thank you, to not touch anything without permission, that pointing is rude, that I should sit up straight, keep my knees and ankles together, no elbows on the table, not to speak with my mouth full… on and on the list went.
Eventually we pulled up outside their house but before we got out of the car, Mum told me to open the glove box. “Why?” I asked as I flipped it open.
“Because there’s some nappies in there.” she said, opening her handbag. “Any messing from you and I’ll make sure you wear one…” she informed me as she held her hand out. There must be twelve of them in the glove box. Mum beckons me to hand her one and with a nervous hand I reach inside and pull one out. “Rubber knickers too.” she said. “Thank you.” she chirped as she put them into her handbag and zipped it shut.