I didn’t know what to do or say. Heads turned towards us from the surrounding tables. The beans are spilt and that cat is well and truly out of the bag. I just shrugged and smiled. I felt relieved that the farce is almost over but also disappointed that it had gone so very wrong. The client verbally ended all dealings with Mum and left. Mum had to pick up the bill. She paid and we left with our tails between our legs and egg on our faces. “Sorry Mum.” I said once we were outside.

“Oh it’s not your fault Love… it was a stupid idea and you certainly told me enough times.” Mum replied. We walked to the car and Mum let out a string of expletives. “Oh for fuck…. fucking.. bastard, fucking…” she spat as she ripped a parking ticket off the windscreen. She got in the driver’s side and unlocked the passenger door. “Well there’s not much point staying in character now Simon.” she said as I got in the car ‘lady’ style.

“This skirt’s so tight I can’t do it any other way.” I said as I fastened my seatbelt. Mum apologised and said she should have listened to me and intermittently cursed herself for most of the drive home. She stopped of at an off licence for a bottle of wine. “Drinking isn’t going to help.” I said when I noticed several bottles in the bag

“No… but after loosing one of my biggest clients, it’s going to make me feel better.” she replied.

“Well… just get another big client, or a few small ones.” I said. “And don’t tell them you’ve got a personal assistant when you haven’t.”

“I know I know.” Mum said.

We got home and Mum offered me a ‘spritzer’. “You deserve a drink after all you’ve been through.” she said as she filled a glass with three-quarters soda and one quarter wine. She poured herself a glass but with opposite proportions., took a sizeable glug, then lit a cigarette.

“Mum… what are you doing?” I asked. Mum never smokes inside the house.

Her expression suggested that she didn’t give a fuck but then she relaxed, opened the back door and stepped outside. “Do you want one.” she asked, pointing and erect cigarette in my direction. I gulped and shook my head. “Well, you can if you want and I already know you smoke.” she said.

I joined her outside and reluctantly accepted the cigarette. Smoking in front of one’s mother never feels comfortable but I guess she needs to company and the comradeship. “Thanks.” I said as she ignited her lighter. I took a drag, removed it and exhaled. Then my hand froze when I spotted the lipstick imprint around its filter. “I’d forgotten about that.” I said.

“You were very convincing.” Mum said. “The look on her face when I told her the truth was priceless… she really didn’t see that coming.”

“I just wanted to floor to open up when she blurted ‘she’s not even female‘.” I said before taking another drag. “Still… it could have been worse.”

“Could it?” Mum asked.

“Well… at least she didn’t say ‘that’s not a woman‘ the moment she clapped eyes on me.” I replied. “Or does that make it worse?” I wondered as I looked down at myself; black patent court shoes, bare hairless legs and a figure hugging black skirt that lands just above the knee.

“You can change if you want.” Mum said.

“Yeah… in a bit.” I said. I took another toke on my cigarette and looked out across the back garden as I slowly exhaled. The wind was slight and a flock of seagulls effortlessly hung over the estuary. “It’s a nice evening.” I said.

“It is.” Mum said. “Shall we sit out for a bit?” she suggested. “It’d be a shame to waste it indoors.”

“Yeah OK.” I said after glancing up at the neighbours windows. They can’t really see the patio so I’ve nothing to worry about. Mum gave me her pack of fags and the lighter and I sat myself on one of the garden chairs. Mum soon joined me. “Thanks.” I said as she placed my ‘spritzer’ in front of me and sat herself down. “So… was my name supposed to be Janice or Janine?” I asked.

Mum growled a little. “I’ve no idea.” she said. She groaned then sighed before inhaling deeply on her cigarette. “Not that it really matters.” she smiled.