It was the sound of Daniel’s laughter that had awoken Ella from her nightmare. Her eyes were damp with moisture and her nightshirt clung to her body from sweat. She pulled the thin blanket over her head and cried softly into her pillow in frustration. Why? Why was she still having nightmares? Had she really expected everything to just magically fix itself overnight just because she learned the truth?
Heather had sat her down late last night and shared the good news. It was all a big misunderstanding. He hadn’t been kissing her, or groping her. He had been trying to save her. It had all been an accident. She had passed out in the bath from exhaustion and had almost drowned. Her mom had been so sure of Ella’s demise she had taken her own life.
“You see, honey, your mother never left you. She never would have abandoned you while you were going through all that. She thought you were already gone.” Heather said. “Now that you know the truth you can finally get some closure. Nothing scary happened in the bathroom after all, well I shouldn’t say nothing scary. You almost drowned, and I bet that was terrifying for you, but nothing in there is going to hurt you. I bet now it will start getting easier for you.”
Was that really what happened? She thought of the feeling in her chest everytime she went in there. Doctors had kept telling her it was an anxiety attack, but was it her mind remembering? Is that the sensation she feels? Drowning? Yes, now that she thought about it, it did feel like she was drowning. Her lungs always ached and her chest burned as she struggled for air.
She felt kind of dumb now that she thought of it. It made sense. All this time she had been afraid of pooled water because she had almost drowned. The bathtub was full of water. The pool was full of water. The toilet bowl was full of water. It didn’t seem so scary now that she could pinpoint the problem.
So did that mean it would go away? Did it mean she could do it now? Could she just waltz into a bathroom now? Could she just keep reminding herself the bathtub was empty? And what about the toilet? Who drowns in a toilet? What were even the chances of that happening?
She let out a nervous gulp. She could go test her theory now. Her diaper was only a little wet, most likely from sweat. She had to pee, but she fought back the instinct to just go in the diaper.
Two weeks ago, Heather had made Ella a deal after discussing it with the therapist. Ella wasn’t ready to face her fears. Even Heather had to admit exposing her had only seemed to aggravate her symptoms. They would take a step back for now and put Ella in diapers, and in a month’s time, they would try again and see how she did. If they had to retrain her bladder, then so be it.
There were only two conditions. First was Heather’s number one rule. No poopy diapers under ANY circumstances. She either had to hold it until she got home and use the bucket, or face the restroom. The other condition was she cleaned and changed herself.
There had been one day, and one day only when Ella had tested rule number one. Looking back, even Ella had to admit she had been a brat that day. She was grumpy about being dragged from store to store so Danielle could get new clothes for school. There was nowhere for her to sit and It had felt like they had been in the mall for hours! They went to the Gap, then Target, then H&M, then back to the Gap. By the third trip to the Gap, because Danielle couldn’t make up her mind between a pair of shorts from them or a pair of capri’s from Urban Outfitter, Ella was pissed.
No matter how much she complained she was tired and wanted to go home Heather wouldn’t budge. Heather still insisted they’d be done in a minute (A fact she kept repeating every twenty minutes for the last two hours) Ella decided to take matters into her own hands. A half baked plan had formed in her head, and in a defiant and desperate attempt to go home, she had purposefully pooped herself. Heather knew it was no accident, Ella had made sure of that by straining.
Ella had gotten her wish. They had gone home. She had felt smug at first with her victory, despite her inner monologue screaming in disgust as she now had to sit in it for the duration of the car ride home. After being hosed off in the backyard and led back to her room, it was there that Ella realized she had made a terrible mistake. She had not expected an introduction to a certain white, hard plastic cooking spoon. Heather, it seemed, didn’t care if Cps found red welts on her behind that day.
“Why did you do it?” Heather had asked, once she had finished spanking any residual defiant feelings out of Ella. “You had one rule!’
In between sobs, she did her best to explain. It had taken a while, but Heather finally understood.
“If you needed to stop and rest that badly you should have told me!” Ella wanted to throw her hands up in frustration, but she had lost the will to fight. She HAD asked. And begged. And pleaded. She had done everything but held a large banner and danced in front of her.
Heather sighed when Ella turned away from her signaling the end of the conversation. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget you’re not normal.” Heather immediately cringed and tried to take it back, but the damage had been done. No amount of, “I didn’t mean it like that’s” could take it back and their relationship had taken another hit. Heather had only been referring to Ella’s stamina level, but it had come out the wrong way. With her back turned to her, Ella didn’t see the tears rolling down Heather’s face.
Ella wiped her face and stretched. That had been weeks ago, and in kid years, it was practically eons. They had never talked about it again, but Ella noticed Heather checking in on her more often when they were out of the house. She had even rented Ella a stroller when they had returned to the mall to finish shopping. It was kind of embarrassing at first, and it was a tight fit, but it was leagues better than walking until she felt like she would pass out.
One hour in and she had even fallen asleep, despite being partially buried in clothes.
Danielle laughed again and Ella poked her head out. Danielle was watching TikTok videos on her phone. Ella was only mildly jealous Danielle got the internet on her phone and she didn’t. She could text and make phone calls, but other than using it for typing words she couldn’t say, it was more of a paperweight. Heather usually held on to it for her when they went out since Ella’s pant size was too small for it to fit in her pocket without risking it falling out.
When Danielle noticed Ella was awake, she motioned for her to join her.
“Look look, I swear this is how mom wakes up in the mornings.”
Ella waddled over and watched the short clip. It was of a redheaded woman sitting up in bed. She yawned, and stretched before saying, “I’m gonna be a bitch today!” Ella chuckled along with Danielle. She sat on her bed and the two of them watched videos together. Ella usually enjoyed anything to do with cats and art, while Danielle liked silly dances. She had even managed to get Ella to dance with her on a few occasions for a video. Danielle wasn’t allowed to upload them, but she enjoyed making them. Even Ella had to admit she had had fun when they played with the face filters together.
“Mom has a surprise for you in the living room.” Danielle said. Ella raised an eyebrow, but Danielle would say no more. When Ella got up and headed for the door Danielle stopped her. “You can’t go out for another half-hour though, I’m supposed to keep you distracted until ten.”
Then why tell me?
“Because I can.” Danielle said with a grin.
Ella scowled. So much for her test of courage. Oh well, she thought as she re-joined Danielle. If she was going to wet her diaper afterall, her sister’s bed was as good a place as any. She laid down as close to Danielle as possible and rested her head on Danielle’s shoulder before smiling up at her.
“I don’t trust that look for a second.” Danielle eyed her suspiciously. Ella only smiled wider and let out a content sigh. It took her a second to realize what Ella was doing. “No! No! No! Get off my bed! Do that on your side of the room!” Ella decided to take it a step farther and pin Danielle down by sitting on her stomach. “Get off me! Get off me! EWW! It’s all warm!” Ella cackled while Danielle pushed her off.
Ella went back to her side of the room as Danielle shivered and hugged herself, clearly now traumatized. Ella laughed as she retrieved her changing supplies. She threw a towel on her bed and sat down before emptying her bladder for real this time. She hadn’t really peed on Danielle, but she was in no hurry to console her. Once she was finished, she untapped it and slid it out from under her.
“Why do you wear those now?” Danielle asked. Ella looked up to find Danielle watching her. “Doesn’t it feel gross?” Ella shook her head and cleaned herself up before taping on a new one.
The pull-ups were way worse, at least these don’t leak. She texted Danielle once she had finished everything. It was weird at first, but you get used to them pretty fast.
“I’ll take your word for it.”
She had actually been quite horrified when the school had told her to wear diapers, but she had been surprised to find the pros out weighed the cons. While less discreet than pull ups, she found them to be much more comfortable. She didn’t have to worry about them leaking either. She could sit at her desk all day and her butt would never get sore. She also found she had far less anxiety attacks during the day. Even Heather had commented she had seemed less uptight. Is this what normal people felt like when they didn’t have to worry about every time they had to pee?
She pulled her night shirt off and changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt as Danielle changed as well. She wondered what surprise Heather had for her. Her hopes weren’t really high. Her last few birthdays had been very uneventful. Despite her low expectations, she found herself checking the time every couple of seconds. By the time Heather called down the hall for them, Ella was pacing the floor.