Today is a day off work. “I can’t wait until my package gets delivered” Anne thought while she is folding her clothes and placing them in the closet. “I deserve this, right? Ever since I started that job as a researcher at the hospital I’ve been super stressed”. It wasn’t just the job that stressed her; moving to a new town and decorating a small studio apartment took its toll.
“This’ll be the first time since I’m living by myself” she thought to herself while looking around the living room. The room is small, but cosy, and some the furniture has odd colours. Her face looked satisfied, as if judging her own accomplishments.
The doorbell rings. “Ah” Anne exclaims softly as she was plucking a string of hair from her jacket. Almost tripping over the cat, she places the received package on the sofa and looks for something to open the box.
“Aw they’re sooo cute…” she said while pulling one out the case. Anne walks over to the window and pulls the white curtains shut. They don’t hold back any light, but at least give some privacy. She places a blue blanket, printed with rather infantile art, on the floor and places one of the received items on it. The plastic backside crinkles slightly when she sits down bare-bottomed on it.
Anne walks over to the upright mirror in the corner of the room. “Aw… the new Crinklz look super cute” she said while gliding both her hands over her thighs onto the nappy and along her belly. Goosebumps appeared briefly on her belly and legs. Her eyes were busy looking at every side of the nappy, and then some more.
“It’s so satisfying to pour the water on the powder” she said to herself while preparing a bottle of milk formula. She had put on a light blue nightgown that reached just to her knees. The nappy had discoloured slightly near the bottom. The cat walked circles around her bare feet, in anticipation of food. “No no missy, this milk is for me!” is what the pussycat got as an answer to its meows.
Poofing down on the sofa, Anne couldn’t help herself and slid her left index finger over her crotch. She could feel the warmth through the plastic and made a giggly expression. She finished the bottle just when the 6[SUP]th[/SUP] episode of Is the Order a Rabbit? Was finishing. “I wanna pinch Chino” Anne said while getting up, and walking over to her bed to get a shark plushie.
It was nearly 5pm and Anne was soaked from front to back. Sitting down on her bed, she slid a storage box in between her legs. Plugged in and switched on, the wand started to vibrate softly. Laying down and pushing the head against her crotch, she let out a soft moan while sucking on a dummy. A fan-made remix of a Touhou song was playing in the background. Anne got on her back and pushed the head on harder. She knew that the feeling would be stronger without the nappy, but the wet padding felt so good that she couldn’t convince herself to take the Crinklz off. The room was being filled with moans and pleasure. She touched her right breast and felt that her nipples were super hard. The dummy fell out of her mouth. It felt like her crotch was exploding; she yelled, squirted and peed. She got on her side, onto her belly, and laid face down with the vibrator’s head pushing hard against the front of her wet nappy. She came a second time and pushed the magic wand out the bed.
The sound of her neighbours closing their front door woke her up. She twisted and turned to get her phone. “Oh it’s already 7pm… I better change back to big girl clothes. Ah well, fun is best when it has an ending” she said while walking to the bathroom. She turned the hot water top on, and carefully removed the tapes to see the damage.
//End
Thank you for reading <3
-
created
Mar 12, 2017 -
last reply
Mar 13, 2017 - 3
replies
- 10.3k
views
- 3
users
-
Re: Anne’s Day Off (Short story)
Let me nitpick a little, first.
[QUOTE=reiuyidl;67931]
Today is a day off work.[/QUOTE]
If the title is Anne’s Day Off you can probably skip over clarifying that it’s a day off.
[QUOTE=reiuyidl;67931]
Today is a day off work.[/QUOTE]
This is present tense.
[QUOTE=reiuyidl;67931]
Anne thought while she is folding her clothes and placing them in the closet.[/QUOTE]
This is a mix of verb tenses. “Anne thought” is past tense, but “she is folding her clothes” is present tense. It’s gotta be one or the other.
Anne thinks while she is folding her clothes and placing them in the closet.
Or…
Anne thought while she folded her clothes and placed them in the closet.
But then, the next sentence.
[QUOTE=reiuyidl;67931]
It wasn’t just the job that stressed her; moving to a new town and decorating a small studio apartment took its toll.[/QUOTE]
…is past tense.
For a short, linear story like this, you’d do best to stick with one verb tense throughout. It’s difficult to read, and just doesn’t flow very well when the verb tense changes from sentence to sentence.
Beyond that, there’s a lot of passive voice.
[QUOTE=reiuyidl;67931]
A fan-made remix of a Touhou song was playing in the background.[/QUOTE]
I imagine she put the music on; surely it wasn’t just playing by itself. And if she did put it on, why? If it’s important to her to play such music, perhaps let us (the readers) in on what’s significant about it. I understand that you’re trying to set a scene here, and describe what’s going on. But, it’s Anne’s apartment, and she’s in control. The story is about her, and you can tell us a lot about her through little details such as what music she prefers.
[QUOTE=reiuyidl;67931]
The room was being filled with moans and pleasure.[/QUOTE]
Was it? Yes, but who caused that to happen? She did.
The phrase ‘was being’ is lame, and has little intensity. Since she’s in the middle of a rather intense procedure, the phrasing should match.
For example.
The room filled with moans and pleasure.
‘Filled’ as the verb, helps push the action along and better suits the scene. But remember, the story is about Anne, not her room. You could add a tiny bit to the above sentence to make it about Anne, and what she’s doing.
The room filled with moans and sounds of pleasure as she bucked against the wand.
You could even tie it in to the previous mention of music, which will better justify mentioning music at all.
The room filled with moans as she bucked against the wand; even the pounding music was drowned by the sounds of her pleasure.
Overall, this is pretty readable. Outside of the verb tenses, grammar and punctuation seem to be fairly well in order.
But it’s a bit dry. There’s a lot of ‘she did this,’ ‘this happened,’ ‘this was.’
But why?
Why does she like diapers? Why does she like watching that show? Why did she want Touhou music playing? Do diapers comfort her? Do they make her feel little? Do they take away the stresses of the week by helping her forget she’s even an adult? Or are they just comfortable? Does she simply like the way it feels against her crotch? Is it just stimulation to help her masturbate?
You’ve done well enough to tell us what she did on her day off. But she did those things for a reason. We can better relate, better understand, and are more likely to take interest in a character if we can learn what makes them tick. It doesn’t need to be anything special for a short scene like this, but we should at least learn enough about her that her actions make sense.
And here, at the bottom, I’ll put my usual disclosure that I don’t want this to discourage you.
You have a good foundation of being able to write readable sentences, not something that every new user has. So go ahead and build upon that. You’ll receive criticism here, but it’s with the intent that it helps you improve.
Carry on.
“When I am gone, it will not be because I have decided to leave.”