We had another unscheduled stop in front of White Castle to give some lady directions to the Post Office. I doubt that lady had a single living brain cell because it took Mark and me a good ten minutes to explain to her, that she only needed to drive down the street to the third light, turn left and go about half a mile and the Post Office would be on her left.
I’d bet you a year’s allowance that she’s still driving around, trying to find her way there.
When we finally got rid of the air-head blonde bimbo, Mark announced that he needed to make a pit stop at White Castle.
“I’m swimming here!” he announced, and while he went in to change, the four of us stood outside waiting for him.
“Why is there a wall there?” Damien asked, pointing to a large brick wall across the street that completely encompassed a gated condominium community.
By the time I finished explaining the concept of a gated community, as I understood it, Mark had returned.
“That is much better!” he said, stooping down to allow Damien to hop back on his back.
“How come you didn’t let Daddy Max change you?” Mike asked, trying to egg Mark on a bit.
Mark responded by punching Mike in the back, not hard, just playfully hard.
“Alright you two! That’s enough.” I said.
Mike hit Mark back.
“I said that is enough! Do you want me to paddle your bare bottoms right here?” I said, and though I tried not too, I busted out laughing.
“I’m hungry!” Damien shouted into Marks ear.
“Well McDonald’s is right over there.” I said, pointing ahead of us about three hundred yards or more.
“Wow, they have a play room!” Damien shouted, while bouncing on Mark’s back.
“Giddy up horsy! Giddy up!” Damien said, trying to get Mark to go faster.
“Stop kicking me or I will make you walk!” Mark groaned at Damien.
You might remember that Damien has an evil side, and every now and then, it rears its ugly head. This happened to be one of those times, but thankfully I saw it coming. Damien had pulled his head way back and was about to head butt Mark from behind.
Just in the nick of time, I reached out and caught a fist full of the back of Damien’s hair.
“AAAAAAAAAHHH!” Damien screamed when his hair was pulled.
I yanked so hard that I pulled him right off of Mark and to the ground with a butt breaking thud.
“What did you do that for?” Mark chirped as he spun around.
“He was about to head butt you.” Mike told him for me.
“Do you want to go back home?” I scolded Damien, “Because I will be happy to take you back to your grandparents right now!”
Damien was crying now, partly because of the shock of getting caught and partly because I was still holding him tightly by the hair.
“Max, you’re hurting me!” Damien cried out.
I let go of his head and he rubbed the back of his head so hard, I’m surprised his hair didn’t rub off.
“I’m sorry Mark!” he whimpered.
“That’s okay!” Mark said, bending down and lifting Damien back to his feet.
I noticed instantly, that the back of Damien’s pants were covered in something brown. It turned out to be dog doodoo.
“AAAAHH!” Damien moaned in disgust.
Mike fell off the curb he had been standing on, because he was laughing so hard. Sean was holding his nose and keeping his distance.
“Max! You made me fall in dog poop!” Damien whined as he began to cry louder than he had been before.
Now, if I were any kind of a good caretaker, I would have taken him into White Castle, removed his pants and washed them in the sink. But I decided that Damien needed a little humbling.
So I said, “Well, you can’t go around wearing dog poop on your pants.” And then started to pull them off him.
“Max!” Damien moaned, but he didn’t try to put up a fight for his pants.
Once I had his pants off him, I put them into one of the extra Ziploc plastic bags I’d brought along; while Mark helped Damien put his shoes back on.
Now, with Damien’s diaper exposed for the entire world to see, Mark decided to carry him on his hip as if Damien were half the size he really is. Damien didn’t make a sound all the way to McDonald’s and he stayed that way until he had finished his Happy Meal.
Sean and Mike had already decided to go out to the McDonald’s playland area. They were both too big, but most of the time, as long as there are no other little kids out there, the McDonald’s people don’t care if older kids play on it too.
Damien sat close to my side, watching the two of them play for several minutes. I could tell it was eating him from the inside not to be out there playing too. Finally the desire to play overcame his fears of being seen wearing an exposed diaper in public.
“You know we’re taking a huge risk letting him run around in a diaper and no pants.” Mark whispered to me when we were alone.
“Yeah I know.” I said.
“What if someone that knows one of us, sees and says something to one or more of our parents.” Mark said.
“I said, I know! I know!” I whisper shouted at him and he let the matter drop.
After a little while longer, I decided that Mark was right and fished out the plastic bag, containing Damien’s pants.
“I’m going to see if I can get them cleaned up in the bathroom.” I said.
Mark smiled, knowing that he’d convinced me. “Need some help?” he asked.
“Nah, keep an eye on our kids would you sweetheart?” I said teasingly.
“Oh shut up!” Mark hissed while taking a swing at me, but missing by a mile.
I had stood up and slung my backpack over one shoulder, but I wasn’t done messing with Mark. I carried the charade a step further, “Oh come on dear! Let’s not fight in public!”
I leaned in like I was going to kiss him, but I made sure not to lean in too close. Mark took another swing and I jumped backwards before he could make contact.
“Where’s the love?” I teased as I turned and headed for the bathroom. That’s when a deadly french-fry collided with the back of my head.
“Hey!” I laughed as Mark attempted to play off his innocents.
And then Mark said something that was so incredibly funny. Loud enough for most everyone in the restaurant to hear,
