She huffed and stared at me. “A cosset is like a crush. And just like a crush, we’re taught to recognize it for what it is and past a certain age it stops being cute to follow through. So yes, I felt things, but I promised myself I wouldn’t act on them.” She looked away again. “That’s why I started doing what I did.”
I didn’t need to ask for specifics at this point, they just started pouring out of her. Meanwhile, I sat there, listening, judging, somewhere between fuming and that same angry numbness.
“It’s wrong to adopt a Little who isn’t suffering from Maturosis. And research shows that most Littles who don’t express it by thirty aren’t going to. You were safe. So I just settled for trying to be the best friend I could be.” She started wiping at her eyes. “It’s why I got that confession out of Jeremy so quickly. I wanted to help you. It’s also why I started to look into adopting a Little girl. I was purposefully trying to avoid someone that looked like you.”
“It’s also why you saved me from that crazy mother.” I paused. “You didn’t want her to have me if you couldn’t.”
Janet slumped over a bit. “Yeah,” she confessed. “It’s why I helped make that silly sock costume for you to prank Brollish and Forrest, too. It let me pretend that I was helping you play dress-up.” I could hear the notes of regret and shame in her voice as she went on. “It’s why I invited you out for drinks. I wouldn’t have done anything, but I would have killed to see how you looked all buckled in and snug in my car seat.” Real tears now. She was wiping them away; steadying herself. Gaining a bizarre kind of strength from her confession. “And it might be why I was acting like a jerk before…you know.”
“You knew how you were sounding to me back then.” I felt so betrayed. My entire friendship, just gaslighting; just mind fucking. I wanted to pounce, I wanted to scream. I didn’t move. I waited and watched.
“I was trying to drive you away,” she whispered just loud enough for me to hear. “I was afraid that I was going to do something awful, and I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t want to be one of THOSE people.”
She didn’t want to be a typical Amazon. Yet, here we were.
“You didn’t trust me, either,” I said matter of factly. My tone was steady. My pulse was not. “You could have just told me and we could have talked about it and remained friends.” I thought for a second. Maybe not. “Or at least we could have been amicable. We could have stopped seeing each other, but I wouldn’t have hated you.”
Janet almost gave herself whiplash. “You ha-?!” she stopped. “No. This isn’t about that right now.” She took a breath. “I’m sorry Clark, but I don’t believe that. There was no way we could have ended well,” then she added, “not with both of us as adults. What I did might not have been the best way, but it was the best I knew.”
I felt myself opening up more. Hating and resenting everything I was hearing, but this was the most adult I’d been treated in close to four days. Janet seemed a lot less like “Mommy” just then and more like…well…Janet. “Who did you tell?” I dared to ask. “About your cosset?”
The giantess, my friend who had wanted to be something else altogether, gave a half-hearted shrug. “I didn’t tell Renner and Springfield, but they weren’t surprised. We were kind of our own clique before I started hanging with you.”
“Who did you tell?” I repeated.
Janet took a deep breath. “Mrs. Beouf. It’s why she sent me that email, as soon as…you know.”
I KNEW IT! I punched my fist into my palm. “She poisoned me!”
Janet frowned. “No she didn’t!” More so than when I accused her, Janet seemed offended by the idea. “Clark, you have no idea how much Mrs. Beouf admired you. I didn’t need any convincing not to act on my cosset, but she really hammered it home that you didn’t need adoption. She advocated for you then, and she’s advocating for you now. Just in a different way.”
“I didn’t need adoption,” I said. I decided to throw her words back at her. “I didn’t then and I don’t now!”
A bit of my friend disappeared when I said that. A bit of Mommy-Janet creeped back into the giants’ brain. “She didn’t poison you. No one did. You’re just looking for an explanation where you get to be a grown-up.”
I dug my fingernails and scratched my thighs… “Why don’t you believe me?” I heard my voice go up a bit. “Why doesn’t anyone?” I knew the reason, deep down.
Because I was a Little.
“Because we saw the signs,” Janet replied gently. “The stolen diapers, the-”
“I didn’t steal any diapers.” I meant to yell, but I just didn’t have the energy just then. I was tired. Drained. So instead it came out as a tired groan. “How would that even work? I can’t even take these things off. The tapes are too sticky for Little hands.”
“You could have slipped them into your pants,” Janet said. “Don’t tape them up, use them as a liner.” Her response was almost immediate. She’d thought about this. “What about your close call?”
I cocked my head. “What close call?”
“When you almost pooped your pants in Mrs. Beouf’s room just over a week ago?”
I gulped. I felt my face go pale. “She…told you about that?”
“You didn’t even close the door,” Janet said, though not unkindly. “And you lied about washing your hands.”
Now it was my turn to look away. “She knew that, too, huh?”
“You’re not as good at hiding your feelings as you think you are, Clark. You’re a terrible fibber.” She waited. “Can you explain that?”
As a matter of fact, I could. I looked back to her. “Whoever poisoned me just couldn’t get the dose right. That close call was someone practicing on me.”
Janet laughed. Actually laughed! Full on belly laugh. “I’m sorry,” she started to say when she caught herself. “But that’s so funny. It’s too…cu…funny.”
I drew my knees up to my chest. “Why is that funny?”
“Because why would Raine, or Brollish, or anyone need to get the dose right if they were going to poison you? If they wanted to fake you being immature, they could just pump you up with as much as they want.”
“Maybe they didn’t want me to taste it,” I offered. “Too much and I’d have enough warning.”
“To do what?” Janet asked. “Do you really think that a witch like Brollish who has been looking for an excuse to fire you would have let you go home in the middle of the day?”
Damnit. Janet was right. I could have eaten a whole box of training chocolates, and Brollish wouldn’t have let me leave so that my system could purge itself. Call out sick…maybe? Go home after I’d already set foot on campus? Not a chance.
I was about to say something. Suddenly, I realized I didn’t have anything to say. I buried my face in my knees, tensed up and frustrated that my lead theory, the ones that I was sure the Amazons weren’t listening too, had been shot down so easily; with actual non-circular logic, no less.
I felt Janet’s hand lightly pat me on the back. “It’s okay,” she said. Her Mommy voice was starting to kick back in. “I’m not mad about that. You shouldn’t be either. This sort of thing just happens.” No it didn’t. I didn’t have proof, but no it didn’t. “Maybe it was meant to happen.” Lies. “I just want to be the best Mommy to you that I can be.”
I jerked away from her touch. I full on scowled at her. “You stole my identity. You stole my adulthood!” My throat was tightening up yet again. “You legally made my wife a widow! How is THAT being good?”
Janet blinked. “Clark. I. You don’t know?”
“Know what?” For all my calculated intent, I could only keep silent for so long. I had a yearning to know. A need to try and understand these crazy titans. And in doing so my anger and despair only began to boil more.
“I did it for you.”
“BULL-!”
Her finger shot to my lips. For some damn reason that I couldn’t understand, it actually silenced me. “I mean, I did it for your wife. For your peace of mind.” The only thing I gave her was more confused expressions. “Twenty-two thirty-five status makes you legally a new person,” Janet reminded me. “Legally, you’re not Clark Gibson anymore.”
“I know that.”
“It also means, as Clark Grange’s legal guardian, I am not entitled to anything Clark Gibson controlled. His bank accounts. His house. Any unemployment benefits or severance package he may receive because he just lost his job. If I hadn’t declared that, I’d be entitled to your money and your last few paychecks. Not to mention my name would have been put as a co-signer on your house.”
“It’s not fair…” Such a dumb thing I was saying, but was how I was feeling.
“You’re right. It’s not.” She let that sink in for a moment before continuing. “You were going to get fired and adopted by someone, no matter what after what happened. I just want to make it special for you. No one asks to be born, or reborn…I just thought I could make this easier for you if you knew that, you know…someone special was safe.”
“Cassie…” I whisper squeaked. I stared off at the garden. Then I said to myself. “I want my old life back.” I might have bawled but so much of the fight had already been drained from me the last twenty four hours. Even throwing a tantrum took up precious energy.
Janet clicked her tongue. “Rookie Mommy mistake, Janet. Know your baby. Clark doesn’t, and never has, liked surprises.” I ignored her, even though she was correct. “There was another reason I bought that outfit for you.”
I didn’t make eye contact. “Why?”
“Because you never got a chance to say goodbye. I wanted to give that to you. I thought you’d appreciate looking more grown-up when you did it.”
I felt my breath catch. “You’ll let me see Cassie?”
She nodded. “Tomorrow, after school. If you’re good.”
I unfurled my knees and stood up… I was feeling excitement like I hadn’t felt. I’d get to see Cassie again. I’d get to apologize. It wouldn’t make things right, but at least she wouldn’t worry about what happened to me. At least I could say goodbye…
And on the brighter side, Janet was starting to talk to me again; actually talk to me. She was dangling the carrot of seeing Cassie again; but it was better than any number of sticks.
We were at negotiations.
“I’m not wearing that outfit at school tomorrow.”
“Fine,” Janet said. “I can change you into it when we visit your old house. But no complaining about what I dress you up in tomorrow. I’m not throwing it away either. There might come a time when you need to wear something more formal”
Honestly, a onesie or something might help save me some grief. A disguise was better than a mockery. “Fair enough. No diapers, either.”
“No,” she replied flatly. “Not unless a doctor or a teacher thinks you’re ready; that your Maturosis has plateaued or you’ve managed to redevelop back to potty training. We’ll talk about Pull-Ups then.”
I wasn’t going to gain any ground there, I knew. Part of negotiations though is highballing so your next demand doesn’t sound so unreasonable. “Then I’m not calling you Mommy.”
Her nostrils didn’t flare. Her lip didn’t curl. Instead she just darted her eyes to the side and replied, “You don’t have to call me Mommy…while we’re at home or in the car.”
“No deal.” Now it was my turn to play hardball.
“You remember yesterday? Calling me by my first name in public…causes embarrassment.” She had to word that carefully. She didn’t want to admit anymore that I’d embarrassed her; that I’d hurt more than just her feelings. “Other Amazons don’t react well to seeing that. They’d want me to punish you.”
“That sounds like a you problem.”
“Do you want to get taken away from me? Have me declared an unfit Mommy?”
I shuddered and looked away. She had a point. “Okay. Deal. But you’ve got to act in good faith. No keeping us out in public all the time so that I have to call you Mommy.”
“Ma’am is also acceptable.” I could tell she regretted saying it the moment it passed her lips. Big mood. “I guess…”
I smiled, genuinely smiled. HERE was the crazy giantess that I’d made a connection with! “Deal.” My voice was calm. My heart was not. “No spanking me either.”
Janet absolutely melted. “Oh, Clark! I am so sorry, sweetie. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have even threatened it. I promise I will never ever spank you.”
“No matter what?”
Still sitting, she pulled me in for a hug. “No matter what. I promise.”
The relief I felt in that moment was tangible. I’d managed to negotiate some miniscule amount of compromise from someone who could legally treat me like I was one year old despite all evidence and sense. Another Little victory.
I’d get to see Cassie again, too. She’d be furious with me, leading an Amazon to our home, but maybe I could use it as an opportunity to slip a real message to her. (I was still going to escape eventually).
“Clark?”
“Hmmm?”
“You seem really tired. Do you wanna take a nap?”
“I’m okay.”
“Okie dokie.” Janet picked me up. Cradled me in both arms as she took me inside. It felt very comfortable. “How about I just hold you for a bit? I’ll walk around the house a bit. Or sit down. Play on my phone. Maybe watch some T.V. You can just relax and think to yourself. I won’t bother you.”
That? That sounded kind of nice, actually. “Okay…Janet.” She smiled softly, the pacing becoming rhythmic. Gently, I started to doze. Then snooze. Then sleep as she toted me around her own home, happy as a clam. I was imprisoned, but I’d made my warden my friend.
All I had to do now was make it through one lousy day of school…
