****************** Part 6 – Tommy, Growing Up or Getting Younger
2002 – 2009
Mary and Mrs. Arrons talked for an hour about the struggle Tommy has had ever since they started the toilet training efforts. They discussed how George had insisted his son was going to be out of diapers by his third birthday, and when Tommy wasn’t, George put a lot of pressure on Mary and Tommy. Mary explained how she gave into George, especially once he had convinced Tommy that only little Babies wear diapers and Tommy didn’t want to be a baby, he wanted to be a big boy. Mrs. Arrons was amazed Mary had put up with wet sheet and daily wet pants for three years. They discussed some of George’s views about Special Education and why he was so angry about his son going into special education. They agreed to encourage Tommy over the next several days to use the toilet and to never force him. Mrs. Arrons explained some of the possible scenarios Tommy would go through. Both of them believed in their heads that Tommy was not going to use the toilet at all during these attempts. Neither of them voiced this belief in the meeting.
About 5 minutes after the last bell rang indicating the end of the school day, Tommy came in the room escorted by his first grade teacher. She was in a hurry, so she just dropped him off. Mrs. Arrons sent him over to play with Jenny and the toys. Mary and Mrs. Arrons continued their discussion for about another half an hour. Mary carefully avoided telling Mrs. Arrons about the decrease in Tommy’s skills involving eating. She also avoided talking about putting Tommy in a crib and highchair. Mrs. Arrons carefully avoided talking about the decrease in Tommy’s skills.
When they were done, they sat watching the two children play for a few minutes, with Mrs. Arrons commenting on how well behaved Jenny was. They both noticed something else, but neither one wanted to point it out. Jenny was acting much more mature than Tommy. She had taken on the leadership role and Tommy was taking direction from her. Mrs. Arrons tried to place the level of skills Tommy was demonstrating. For the second time today, Tommy appeared to be acting a lot like a 24 month old child. This was confusing. It did not fit all the information she had on this child. The testing had just been completed. It couldn’t be that far off. What was going on?
On the ride home, Mary was very quiet trying to think through the discussion. She was half way home before she realized they had not discussed something. She wanted to talk about the concerns around Tommy riding the bus, but she forgot about it. Well, she would just have to drive him to school for awhile. She would be talking with Mrs. Arrons on the telephone throughout the week, so they could discuss it later.
On the way home one of the kids pooped. Since both kids seemed unaffected, and Jenny was happily singing, Mary figured it had to be Tommy. It didn’t take long for Jenny to announce it wasn’t her.
“Mommy,” she yelled. “Tommy pooped in his diaper.”
Mrs. Arrons had stressed not to call them diapers, but how was she going to explain that to a 3 year old just out of diapers and into cloth panties. No! She was right. Tommy had pooped, and he was in reality wearing a diaper, even if we were calling them Pull-Ups. Tommy seemed unaware of the situation and Jenny’s announcement. He just kept looking out the window. That just was not right for a 6 year old to be oblivious to pooping his pants (even if he is in Pull-Ups), and not reacting to his little sister telling mom he pooped in a diaper. Mary was confused. This all seemed very strange.
When they got home, Mary undid the seat belts on Jenny’s car seat and Tommy’s boaster seat. Jenny climbed out of the car, but Tommy just kept sitting there. Mary finally picked him up and carried him into the house and up stairs to get changed. After getting him all cleaned up she wanted to put him in a diaper, they were so much easier to deal with if he wasn’t going to be using the toilet. But, Mrs. Arrons had insisted we keep the diapers only for bedtime for at least the next couple of days. We need to encourage Tommy to use the toilet, especially since he was using one over 50 percent of the time just a week ago. She grabbed another pink Pull-Up and dressed him back up. Once she got him off the changing table, she told him to go play.
Mary looked around the nursery, Tommy’s new room. After sneaking into Jenny’s new room this morning in order to get clothes for Tommy, she decided it was time to make some changes. She started with the clothes. She went to work moving all of Jenny’s clothing out and Tommy’s clothes in. Well, she didn’t quite move all of Jenny’s clothes out. The plastic pants and most of the training pants she decided to leave. She did move a few cloth and disposable training pants just in case Jenny had another accident. The cloth diapers and all the other baby items found in a nursery were quickly bypassed.
Shortly after she started, the kids gravitated up to her. She brought them both back downstairs and set them down in front of their favorite video. Mary put a few of Jenny’s favorite toys on the floor with them and a few baby toys Jenny had outgrown. She was hoping to keep them occupied even if the movie didn’t. She wasn’t exactly sure why she put out the baby toys, but it just seemed like the right thing to do. She spent the next hour moving the kids stuff around. She would occasionally check on the kids. Jenny was totally taken in by the movie and Tommy was kept occupied by the infant toys.
Mary worked hard getting the two room switched so it was easier for her to manage Tommy out of the nursery. Some of Jenny’s clothes got packed up instead of moved. All of her clothes with snaps down the legs, her onsies, and some of the very babyish outfits were just packed up since Jenny would not need them and Mary did not want her looking like a baby anymore. Mary giggled as she pictured Tommy in some of Jenny’s outfits with snaps down the legs. They were all too small for Tommy, but they would be much more convenient. Jenny still wore size 3T clothes, but Tommy was wearing size 5 clothes. She shook her head as she felt it was too bad clothes designed for diapers only went up to size 4T. She giggled again thinking about Tommy in some of the babyish outfits she was packing up. As she went back to work moving the kid’s clothes between the two rooms, she realized she would need to go clothes shopping tomorrow to get new clothes for Jenny. Tommy would also need some new clothes that were big enough to accommodate diapers.
Once the clothes were all moved, Mary decided she should feed the kids before making any more changes to the rooms. Without thinking about the consequences, Mary made the kids their favorite meal; Macaroni and Cheese with slices of hot dogs in it. George was coming home late, so it was just her and the kids. As she had done for the last few meals, Tommy sat in the high chair pushed up to the table and Jenny was in the booster seat. They both wore bibs, but Tommy also got a sippy cup to drink from.
Very quickly Mary realized her mistake. Tommy went straight for one of the pieces of hot dog. Before she could stop him, he stuck his hand in the bowl and had the hot dog in his mouth. His face and hand were now covered with cheese. She shook her head back and forth realizing she was about to have a huge mess. She quickly decided to make one significant change. She pulled the high chair away from the table and away from the food. Tommy leaned over to reach the food but couldn’t because Mary had strapped him into the chair. She then went and got the tray for the highchair. She figured this would control the mess at least a little. When she gave him his food again, she wiped off his hand and put a spoon in it. When he was about to put the spoon down, Mary decided to sit down next to him and do some hand over hand instruction to see if she could get him to eat with the spoon. She had Tommy take several spoonfuls of food with her guiding the spoon the whole time (she was basically feeding him with his hand along for the ride). When she took away her hand, he instantly put down his spoon and went for the food with his hands. Mary just shook her head and accepted the fact that she would have a mess to clean up. Before going and getting Jenny some more milk, she noticed Jenny was using her spoon and only had some cheese just around her mouth from her efforts of spooning it in. Her bib, hands, and the table around her were all clean and cheese free.
As Mary watched the kids eat, she was trying to figure out what was happening to Tommy. Why was he acting like a baby? At this point, he was now acting younger than Jenny. His skills were a lot lower than Jenny’s. Jenny had grown up a lot in the last two weeks, but Tommy had . . . had . . . gotten younger? It didn’t make sense. How could Jenny grow up so much in two weeks and Tommy regress? She could understand him not using the toilet anymore since he was put back in diapers, or Pull-Ups as Mrs. Arrons calls them, but what about the rest. As Mary got Tommy’s sippy cup off the floor for the 3rd time, she considered taking away all the baby things to see if that would make him grow up. Mrs. Arrons had the same views as she did, kids should be given the supports they need based upon the skills they demonstrate. Had they gone too far with Tommy?
She had just moved all of Tommy’s clothes into Jenny’s room. Maybe she should move them all back. That’s it, no more cribs, bibs, highchairs, or sippy cups. For Tommy, everything goes back to how it was two weeks ago, except for maybe the Pull-Ups and night time diapers. Those had to change too however. She had to get him some boy Pull-Ups and Diapers. Well, maybe she should stop the Pull-Ups and diapers too. If we treat him like a big boy again, he will act like one . . . . .
Mary repeated this last phrase in her head, she knew something about it was wrong; “if we treat him like a big boy again, he will act like one.” Suddenly Mary knew where she had heard the phrase. George had said it almost four years ago when they took away all these baby things from Tommy. Tommy was acting just like he use to when all these things were taken away from him at his 3rd birthday. Well, not quite. Even then he was more mature than he is acting now. Not as mature as Jenny is, but he did have more skills.
She looked over at Jenny and then back at Tommy. He was a mess. Cheese was everywhere; hair, face, hands, bib, and the highchair tray. His sippy cup was covered with it, and she didn’t even want to think of all the small crevices on the high chair it was squished into. He looked more like an 18 month old than a 6 year old. Maybe taking away all the baby things wasn’t the best idea.
When the kids were done, Mary looked at the clock and calculated whether she would have time to go to the store with the kids before bedtime. After getting Tommy all cleaned up and sending Jenny to the potty, she stopped and looked at Tommy.
“Does Tommy need to go potty before we go to the store?” she asked.
He did not respond. It was like he didn’t even hear her or didn’t understand the question. Mrs. Arrons had said not to push the issue, so she just started getting his coat on. By the time he was ready to go, Jenny had returned and put her own coat on. She had even zipped it up all by herself. Mary just shook her head, something was wrong with this. She was helping her 6 year old get dressed to go, and brand new 3 year old got ready all by herself.
Mary made a quick trip to Wal-Mart, as fast as she could with two little ones. Jenny didn’t want to ride in the cart, but Tommy did. Mary just told him he was a big boy and could walk like his sister. She had to hold Tommy’s hand to keep him from wondering off, but Jenny did a great job of keeping up with Mommy and Tommy.
She bought a booster seat for Jenny, so Tommy could have his back. She made a quick trip through the diaper isle picking up disposable boy pull-ups and diapers. She got new lids for the sippy cups that had straws instead of spouts, so they appeared to be more of a big-kid cup. She bought some new super hero boys underwear, in hopes of bribing Tommy with. She also bought some cloth training pants that looked like boys underwear. As she headed for the checkout stand, she wondered why she didn’t do this earlier. She knew this would increase his self esteem and his behavior would improve. Well, at least she hoped it would.
When they were in the checkout isle, Jenny announced to everyone very loudly that she was a big girl who used the potty and she didn’t need diapers and pull-ups anymore. She then told everyone the diapers and pull-ups were for her big brother Tommy. Tommy amazingly added to the announcement with pride that the pull-ups and diapers were special boy ones just for him because he didn’t get all his pee-pee and poopy in the potty like Jenny did. Mary was blushing and paid as fast as she could, but the kids seemed unfazed by all of this.
When they got home, she sent the kids to go play with their toys. She had decided she needed to change the sleeping arrangements. She didn’t have time to move the clothes back, so she just picked out tomorrows clothes for Tommy and quickly made his bed in boy sheets. She took the mattress out of the crib and put it on the floor in a corner of the nursery. This would allow Jenny to come back to her room and Tommy to go back to his own room. Eventually she figured the changing table would need to be moved into Tommy’s room, but tonight’s activities would get him out of the crib and highchair. She had to do this, if for no other reason, than she couldn’t tell the school she had put a 6 year old back in a crib and highchair. After tonight’s announcements at the store by Tommy, she also worried he would tell people at school about sleeping in a crib and eating in a highchair. What would people think? Could it be viewed as child abuse?
When Mary put the kids to bed, Jenny was happy about being back in her own bedroom with her pink frilly curtains and pink flowers painted on the walls. Tommy didn’t seem to care, he just made sure he had his teddy bear and blankie.
When George got home, he was surprised to hear about Mary switching the kids back and her trip to the store. He did like the idea of treating Tommy like a 6 year old instead of a baby. Both of them however, questioned taking him out of the crib after he fell out of bed 4 times that night. After the first time they had put pillows on the floor next to the bed, but he still woke up crying each time.