Chapter 35 – [Friday, April 12, 2002]
It was Friday afternoon and Jordan was home alone through the early evening. School, as usual, had been let out early. Her mom had planned to once again go to coffee with Mrs. Miller after getting off work. With both her siblings in after-school care and daycare until Sally picked them up, Jordan was left all alone to her own devices for several hours. She had quickly changed into more comfortable sweats and t-shirt outfit once arriving at her house on 22nd Avenue. But on this particular afternoon (as had been the case all week long), rather than indulging in her secret and approaching habitual pleasure, Jordan couldn’t bring herself to do it.
After having talked so frankly with her Mom about diapering herself for pleasure (before the trip to Washington D.C.), she now felt somehow uncomfortable and even silly about following through with it under her knowledge. Even though the conversation had kind of fallen apart in the end, she never-the-less believed that her Mom didn’t judge her harshly (or at all) for the practice about which she had come to feel so much shame. However, they hadn’t really settled anything in their talk other than the fact that Sally had been monitoring Jordan’s diaper supply. Therefore, Jordan knew that conceivably each time she used a diaper during the day, her mom would be aware of it. This fact led to feel simply weird about doing it now. She couldn’t break through what felt like her Mom’s heavy gaze even while she was now alone in the house.
It wasn’t as though the sneaking around and secrecy in itself had been a particularly therapeutic aspect of her habit as far as she understood. Jordan just hadn’t quite yet been ready to open up such a gaping wound of shame in the open – especially in front of her own mother. For a girl who was in the very early stages of a growing awareness of her sexual identity (and the coping mechanisms that made her tick), it was immobilizing to know that her mom knew the deepest darkest details of her life. Even with her mom’s blessing and acceptance, it still just seemed strange and disgraceful.
Beyond all that, Jordan had begun to put together that her evening diaper changing sessions had felt faintly differently ever since the pre-trip conversation as well (and particularly after returning home from her trip). Jordan couldn’t have explained it if she had to, but her mom just seemed to be a little more business oriented of late and zipped through the motions more quickly. Her touch hadn’t seemed quite as soft as before and she hadn’t taken the time to engage quite as much. Overall, Jordan had felt like the moments she had come to rely on for stress-relief had simply ‘changed’ in nature and she wondered if the old way might be lost for good.
So with all those doubts and questions rattling around in her mind about diapers on that early April Friday, the bedwetting girl who had grown an affinity for her chosen treatment option decided to forgo that enjoyment. In exchange, she opted for the first ever coping mechanism with which she had used to deal with life: writing. Her newest project on the disappearing boy had just gotten underway around the end of January and many hiccups had made the progress slow since then. Between her ER visit, doctor’s clinics, the trip to D.C., homework, and not to mention her newfound afternoon habit, it had been difficult to make space for regular work.
But on that Friday in particular, she found herself with several hours to dedicate to her goal and made more than a few steps forward toward its completion. She decided to name her main character “Frankie George” and had begun the novel by an initial couple chapters creating the setting and his discovery of his secret ability. It was set in modern times in her own city of Seattle.
Might as well put it in a place I know and understand right? She had reasoned.
He was only 10 years old at the beginning of the book. The major twist with Frankie’s ability for disappearing was that it only happened to him under very narrow circumstances: the primary one being that he could not be feeling fear and in fact had to be feeling courage or self-confidence. In her work that Friday, she described several scenes and scenarios and introduced friends and characters to Frankie’s life wherein this ability appeared only haphazardly and in a way that he didn’t yet understand.
As she hashed away on her weathered keyboard and periodically glanced out the window into the street to see the sun moving closer and closer toward the horizon, she began to think about how much help it would be to have Mr. Johns’ opinion on her project. She couldn’t help the thought – it just came before she had time to stop it. She almost immediately felt sad for the ways she had attacked him after his ‘sort of’ confession the night in the hospital in Washington D.C. In part, as an average trifling seventh grader, Jordan regretted her behavior because she missed her teacher’s expertise as an editor for her work. Circumstances come and go and as she had begun writing again in earnest, she came to the realization that Mr. Johns actually provided her a useful service that she now missed.
I can’t very well go back and ask him to help me with my book right now! That’d be weird…and rude. She thought.
But on a deeper level, in truth, Jordan also felt sad about the loss of relationship she was already experiencing because of the things she had said. She had come to really appreciate and rely on Mr. Johns as a kind of friend and a mentor. But already, it felt differently between the two of them. The relationships she had had with men in her life in general all seemed to be pretty rocky as she thought about it that evening.
Could Mr. Johns’ decision possibly have been a good one? She thought. He’s taught me so many things this year, could I have overreacted by what I said? I kinda flew off the handle and freaked out like that treated him like he’s the biggest idiot in the world. And this week at school – I really was a bitch too. I wonder if he coulda had a point?
She thought about his words that night in the hospital, ‘Maybe people need grace sometimes Jordan?’ he had said. Did he really mean that? Was he just trying to bulldoze me over and get me on his side? Or has Mr. Johns really forgiven my Dad (as if he even has that much to forgive him for)? But how does that even happen for people anyways?
She stopped writing and began thinking then about her Dad. She thought about what she had missed in her life and childhood – more about what she had missed in the big picture than what she had missed over the previous 5 or 6 months since he had moved out of the house. It was something she had tried not to dwell on but this time she couldn’t help herself. The thoughts of forgiveness swirled in her head. The concept seemed too simple, too frustratingly unjust for her to even consider. Yet because her teacher, whom she for so long had respected, seemed to have opened up the possibility for it in his own life, Jordan tried to leave the possibility open for it in hers as well.
Jo and Sally were at their usual spot in Fremont, but this time a little later in the evening because it was tax time at Sally’s office. With the warm weather, both women had graduated to iced cappuccino drinks and they appeared quite natural in their setting. The two sat in their typical places in front of the big window adjacent to the sidewalk with the limited view of the boats on Lake Union. The table was small and round and weathered; the chairs wooden and worn.
“So why did it get moved back?” Jo asked.
“I don’t know honestly. Ted’s lawyer requested it, which makes me feel worried. Pretty much anything I hear them doing makes me feel worried though. But really, haven’t they had enough time to prepare? The first time we sat in front of the Judge was the end of February! Could it take any longer Jo?”
“Yeah that’s pretty crazy Sal. But I’ve heard of some judges actually purposely pushing out divorce proceedings secretly in hope of the couples getting back together or solve things amicably in the meantime. Maybe that’s what he’s hoping for you two?” She gave Sally a silly grin as if to say, wouldn’t that be hilarious right?
“Well I just wish we could get on with the stupid thing. Come what may. I’m sick of sitting around.” Sally said looking out the window.
“How was the rest of Jordan’s trip? Did she recover alright?” Jo asked. Sally had called her for advice and input pretty much on an alternating basis with the hospital during that week. But once Jordan made it home, the contact had understandably thinned out quite a bit.
“Oh, yeah…we haven’t really checked in since she’s been home huh?” Pausing briefly after the rhetorical question to think, Sally then continued, “Well I think it was ok. It sounds as though things were fairly tense between Jordan and the Johns by the end. She told me this thing about Ted and the board at Hope Seattle. His job was actually on the line for this…fling…with that woman. And Mr. Johns apparently thinks he was blackmailed into influencing the vote to go in favor of Ted. He told Jordan all this in the hospital for some crazy reason. I don’t know. There’s no way to really verify it’s true but I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Jo’s face hardened. “Sounds like pretty typical operating procedures to me Sal. I was wondering why Ted was able to keep his job down there. Being a ‘good Christian’ is part of the job description at Hope and I’m not sure bangin’ the help counts as good Christian behavior! But what’s this about blackmail and Mr. Johns?”
Sally slightly rolled her eyes as if to communicate that she didn’t really think it was true or even that it could’ve been miscommunicated somehow. “Well, Jordan says that Mr. Johns tried to get Ted voted off as CEO because of the affair. He was really angry and offended by it and didn’t think he should get to just continue willy-nilly. Kinda like you just said. Anyways, Mr. Johns told her that some other person on the school board informed him that if he did that, he’d make sure both Mr. and Mrs. Johns would lose their jobs at the school…Quid pro quo I guess.”
“That’s pretty nasty Sal. But I don’t think it sounds that crazy honestly. I mean, odd like you say that he would tell Jordan all about it for sure. But I’ve heard of weirder stuff than that on church boards and the like.”
“Yeah I’m still trying to figure out why he would dump all that on her?” Sally drifted into thought. “Well one thought is that if it really happened like he apparently said it did, I’m sure it was a pretty painful and difficult decision for Mr. Johns to make either way.” Jo chimed in. “I mean if you have to choose between principles you believe in or maybe even standing up for a student you’ve seen be treated with a lack of dignity and respect, choose between that and on the other hand keeping your job and kinda looking out for yourself and your family and more long term stuff…that’s tough Sally. And like I said, if it happened like Jordie says, he chose against principles, against her. Maybe he felt like he betrayed her and he needed to confess and almost apologize or something? Maybe he felt guilty for not being able to do the thing he wished he could’ve done?”
“Hmmm.” Sally thought, taking another sip of her icy drink, “You’re a sneaky smart lady Jo. I’ll give you that. And it makes sense to a degree. If it’s true – IF IT’S TRUE. I still think it lacked some judgment but maybe that helps me feel a little better about it.”
“It’ll become clear sooner or later Sal…So how has Jordan been since she made it back home? How’re Mindi and Jen?”
The two went on to jabber about the younger girls and their progress in school. Sally told Jo about how Jordan was now truly the lone bed wetter in the house and that she was considering letting her have her own bedroom again although she hated to keep bouncing Mindi around. She told Jo that she was considering doing a full-blown bedroom shakeup and having Jen move in with Mindi and allowing the two of them to redecorate together while moving Jordan into Jen’s room and giving her the same opportunity. That way, Mindi wouldn’t feel like the middle ‘heel’ child again who’s forced to move.
“Did you ever talk to her about that stuff we talked about a few weeks ago…before spring break? About the diapers going missing?” Jo asked.
“We did actually. I can’t say it went terribly bad or terribly well honestly.” She paused. “It was good I mean. She was honest. It’s just like you predicted. But at one point I kinda reacted negatively and that broke down our conversation.”
“Oh well it sounds like you gave it a valiant effort. And I’m sure your relationship with Jordan is gonna be so much closer eventually because of this. Just keep opening it up and it won’t be too awkward. The great thing about life is that we always get more chances to learn things again.” She smiled.
“Yeah, I guess so. I have to admit that I’ve struggled a little bit with being as ‘present’ with her during our nightly routine after we had that conversation…or maybe it’s just the stress of think about this divorce hearing. I’m not sure. But it feels like it’s been different for both of us.”
“Well, I guess I can see how it might feel a little more awkward now that you know more about Jordie’s true feelings about it. But really, like I said, you wouldn’t feel weird about your daughter asking you to give her a backrub to help her with her stress or to paint her nails or brush her hair or something. It’s just because it’s kind of an odd and infantile accessory and maybe because it involves a more private part of her body that you feel weird about it. But it’s not coerced. You’re not manipulating her or something crazy like that. There aren’t power dynamics in play here. I think you need to relax and go with it.”
Feeling more relieved than she had in weeks by her friend’s words, Sally said, “Thanks Jo, you’re really a Godsend. I’m so thankful to have you in my life.”
That night after Jen and Mindi were in bed, mother and daughter sat at the kitchen table reading. Sally asked, “You ready for bed yet sweetie? How ’bout momma goes and gets your stuff and we’ll get you all set up for the night?” The way the words rolled off her Mother’s tongue sounded a little foreign to Jordan of late but were strangely welcome. She nodded silently.
The tall teenage girl made her way to her Mom’s room (because Mindi was already asleep in hers) and shortly Sally was headed back down the hall with her arms full of pajamas, a diaper, and assorted tubes of ointment.
Standing in front of her Mom’s bed, Jordan looked tired and almost shy. Sally began arranging the things she had been holding on the bed, and asked, “How was your week Jordie Dear? Are you still feeling sick at all? How’s your tummy? Did the kids treat you nice?”
“Oh, I dunno Mom, it was alright I guess. Good to see Alex again.” She stood there for a moment, waiting for her Mom’s next move but also on the verge of feeling awkward. “Cindy and Riley and Georgia were nice too, they all complimented me on the story; I guess they heard it again last weekend on the radio…” She spoke rapidly and almost sounded nervous, “…oh, and Joey Michael came and sat by me on the bus on Monday, it was so cool.” She smiled shyly.
Sally straightened up again to face her daughter and just as Jordan slowly reached her hands to begin undoing her sweatpants (as if she didn’t know if that was now expected of her). Sally touched her shoulders ever so tenderly. It was like the jolt of a time machine in Jordan’s body, transporting her back in time and she instantly felt the formerly familiar sensations of peace, safety, and love rush over her. Sally’s touch silently communicated to her, ‘lie back on the bed’ and Jordan obeyed. Her hands fell back to her side, at rest.
Sally worked slowly and methodically that Friday night; she could sense Jordan’s extra layers of stress and she wanted her girl to received the gift of nurture in her nighttime routine to peel it all away. The experienced mother, blessed and set free by her wise friend Jo, gently slid off her thirteen-year-old baby’s cotton sweats and pink-trimmed white panties. She leaned in close to her girl’s ear and calmly whispered, “I’m so so proud of you my sweet sweet little girl. You were incredibly brave on your trip. The way you handled yourself took a lot of courage. Mommy loves you darling.”
She patted her daughter on the tummy as she straightened up again reaching for the diaper. Jordan smiled slightly but gratefully and her chin quivered a little. Her head turned to the side. Slowly and more comfortably looking now, she spread out her arms and pulled up her knees and let them fall apart.
Unfolding the diaper, Sally couldn’t help but let a tear fall from her own eye as she whispered up a prayer of gratitude for the gift that was her remarkable daughter. “Ok lift up your bum sweetheart,” she said as she slid the purple diaper under the girl who lifted her hips in anticipation. This was the only other reaction Jordan seemed to give during this latest rendition of their routine – she had melted completely into the care of her Mommy.
“There we go.” She whispered. “Now, we need to put on some cream to keep your skin nice and clear ok?” Sally opened up the unmarked prescription tube and dispensed some on her finger and massaged it in all around Jordan’s diaper area including her inner thighs and down around her rear end. Ever since Jordan had gone through the yeast infection regimen prescribed by Dr. Yepp and the more rigorous cleanliness protocol to boot, she hadn’t experienced any further diaper rashes. But the thorough application of barrier cream as Sally had done this Friday night was part of that prevention.
“There you go sweetie, that’ll keep you protected.” She said wiping her hands off. “Now let’s get you taped up snug.” The thirteen-year-old’s head still lay to the side, gazing off into nowhere, appearing perfectly content and without a care in the world. Sally smiled to herself knowing how difficult the year had been in many ways, happy that her girl had found at least one outlet.
Sally pulled the purple diaper up between Jordan’s still spread legs and centered it before carefully and securely fastening each tab. She then patted Jordan’s diapered tummy around her belly button and reached for the pajama bottoms.
“Here you are sweetie. Let momma help with your jammies.” With skill, love, and care, Sally threaded each of Jordan’s feet through the holes of her cotton pants as she still lie still on the bed. “Ok Jordie, can you hop up on your feet for momma?”
Sally put out both hands and helped Jordan sit up and then stand up in front of the bed. With her pants around her ankles and puffy diaper around her hips, Sally crouched down and reached behind, pulling the cotton flower printed pajamas up over her girl’s padded plastic bottom.
“Ok hands up sweet heart.” Jordan looked down and put her hands up in the air and Sally pulled from the bottom of her cotton t-shirt, removing it completely. Jordan began to reach for her bra clasp in back when Sally said, “Turn around Jordie and I’ll help you with that. She did and Sally gently undid the eye hooks and pulled the straps from the girl’s shoulders. “Hands up again darling.” From behind this time, Sally eased Jordan’s matching tank top over her head and smoothed it down.
“There. Perfect. All ready for bed. Momma loves you sweetie.” Sally patted Jordan on the butt and turned her around before hugging her tenderly. The girl sighed almost inaudibly.
The diapered Girl, still as if in a trance, softly padded down the hall with her mother in pursuit, arms full of dirty clothes and diaper rash creams. Jordan entered her room quietly and Sally followed, setting the stuff in her arms down near the side of the bed. The diapered teen crawled into her bed noiselessly and Sally tucked her in before sitting on the edge of the bed and wrapped the palm of her hand around Jordan’s cheek and ever so softly stroked and patted it.
It was only then that she noticed the tears streaming down her little girl’s face. Sally’s motherly intuition knew they were tears of relief, of gratitude….of peace. And so she leaned in closely and whispered quietly over and over again, “Momma loves you so so much my darling. Momma loves you so much. Momma loves you so much.”
The tears continued to flow, and the girl in the diaper couldn’t help but allow the tiniest feelings of self-acceptance creep into her heart for so loving the experience that had just taken place.
I was so scared it wouldn’t ever be the same again, she thought.
As her mother continued to tenderly touch her cheek, she quickly drifted into unconscious sleep.