Chapter 37 – [Friday, April 19]
The confluence of tax time, her first divorce hearing before the judge (complete with the out-of-control tirade in the aisle), and the revelation that Jordan’s medical records (and therefore the question of her parenting) had been entered as evidence, had thrown Sally nearly over the edge of her ability to cope. She had begun smoking cigarettes again for the first time in over 15 years on Wednesday that week. And as the week from hell wore on, she looked increasingly nervous, jittery, and tired. She wasn’t sleeping much, if at all. And she seemed to be rapidly losing the maternal patience she had picked up for her girls since 9/11.
Rather than sitting at their usual table at the coffee shop, Jo had suggested they just take a drive together in her Mercedes on that Friday afternoon – it had seemed like the best idea after Sally had broken into sobs after just laying eyes on her friend who had become so dear. Once in the luxury SUV, Sally had continued to cry for a while and then simply sat quietly gazing out the window. The dominant emotion she felt as Jo drove her in meandering circles through Fremont was fear.
Jo could smell the nicotine on her friend. She knew from years ago that Sally had toiled with getting off cigarettes and that it had been a big secret for the churchgoing leader. The bags under her eyes, her apparent despondency, her overall disheveled look, along with the telltale odor confirmed that something bad had happened at the court hearing that week.
After they had looped in and around old houses and new condos up the hill away from the lake for about 15 minutes, Jo finally broke the ice. “I just want you to know Sally, I’ll always be here with you. I know I don’t know what happened. But Bob and I aren’t going away. No matter what.”
This caused Sally to convulse into more weeping before she finally was able to pull herself together enough to talk; about 5 minutes later. The two had wound their way up around Green Lake and then over toward the shore of the sound near BCS.
Sally finally was able to push out, “They’re…invest…igat…ing…me…SNIFFF…for… child abuse!…” before she fell back into sobs of shame and regret and despair.
Jo was horrified and shocked herself. A million questions passed through her mind that she knew would not be helpful to throw onto her friend’s mind at that instant but she didn’t understand how what she thought she had heard could be possible.
“What Sally? You? Child abuse? Like CPS? Ted did this?” she tried to keep her voice from sounding frantic.
“YEEEESSS!” Sally bleated like a lamb and cried more, snot running down her face and hands shaking. “He’s…t…t….trying…t….t…to….ta……take….m…mm…. my….b …a…a….b …babies!” She blurted out and continued crying.
Jo couldn’t help herself but to be absorbed a little into her friends drama. Tears began to streak down her face. “I don’t understand Sally. What are they accusing you of? What could you possibly have done? I mean, if anything, Ted’s been the one who’s neglected your kids.”
Sally’s crying quieted slightly, “…Jordie……the…dia…pers….” she whispered almost as if she really was ashamed of it; almost as if she believed the allegation’s veracity.
Immediately, Jo’s mind tracked back to all the conversations that she and Sally had had about her daughter and the variety of strategies the Mom had employed for dealing with her bedwetting. She thought about one of their most recent visits there in Tremont where she had convinced her friend that the therapeutic aspects of the ways in which she had been caring for her girl was a sign of ‘good’ parenting, not at all poor. But now, Jo immediately couldn’t help but second guess herself and she felt guilt and self doubt.
Did I lead her astray? Did I tell her the wrong thing? Am I complicit in this? I don’t think she’s done anything wrong but you never know in the government’s eyes…could I be responsible for creating this?
“Oh I’m so so so Sally. Oh my God I’m so so sorry.” Her eyes were full of tears and she could hardly see the road. She had to pull over. “I would’ve never dreamed something like this could’ve happened. I’m so sorry Sally. I’m so so sorry.” She kept repeating it over and over again, gazing off into nothingness.
Sally continued to cry for a long time before she finally broke both of their states of sadness and shock.
“I need a smoke.” She opened the door and hopped out on the curb. A blunt statement like that would’ve normally been tainted with shame, but Sally seemed emotionally raw and bleary. They were near the seaside town of Edmonds at that point, way up north near the ferry terminal. Sally hopped out of the car, pulled a pack of Newports from her purse, and lit one up, taking a long first drag with eyes closed. Jo waited in the car for a moment, sort of in shock by the shift that had seemingly taken place in her friend.
Finally Jo got out and sat next to her on the sidewalk bench.
“I know I quit a long time ago – I just couldn’t handle this – my hands were shaking – I felt like I had electric wires attached to my head that were keeping me awake and alert 24/7. I had nowhere to turn; no one could help me; God wasn’t answering the door.” She took another drag on her cigarette and held it before blowing the smoke behind her into the wind. “I’m sure you can smell it on me already right?”
“Yeah. It was pretty obvious.”
“Look, you don’t need to apologize to me Jo.” Sally said suddenly several degrees more calm, looking her friend in the eye. “I chose this path (or this path came to me.) It’s not your fault. You’ve been incredibly good to me, and such a gracious and faithful friend. Don’t take any of this on yourself.”
Jo nodded, tears still on her cheeks.
“I’m not sure if I did or didn’t do anything wrong Jo…I just don’t know. All I was doing was being a mom for my girls. For Jordan. I was doing what I thought she needed me to do and it was apparently helping her. The first and only time any alarm bell was wrung against me was when jealousy and selfishness got involved. The doctors may have thought it a little odd – and we talked about that – but they would’ve HAD to call me in if they thought I was being abusive. They didn’t. It was that bitch Melissa who did it I’m sure — and it was Ted who brought her into our lives.” She took another puff, seemingly calming further.
Jo continued to sit quietly, gazing into the sound and the coming ferry.
“I just don’t know what I’m gonna do Jo. I’m not sure if I can bring myself to continue doing the nightly routine with Jordan with all this other stuff hanging over my shoulders…I mean, I know how much it helps her. I know how she needs it…really. But what will Mindi and Jen say if they get investigated? What if CPS comes into the house and tries to interview them? What if they see all her supplies or insist on seeing what we do for a nightly routine? I don’t know if I can do it anymore with the accusation of abuse dangling over me like a giant blue flashing light.”
Jo finally spoke up, looking back at her friend. “I see what you mean Sally. You’re in a tough spot. Not to mention you’re in an incredibly difficult and stressful time in general. I mean, divorce is hard as it is. Then add childcare, your two other little girls, working full time, trying not to get screwed by that shark of a man, Ted. You’ve got a lot of drama, you might not have much extra to give Jordan right now anyways – let alone an investigation.” “Yeah? That’s ok?” Sally asked, lighting up a second cigarette feeling slightly ashamed but knowing how much more calm she felt after the first.
“You’re the only one who’s gonna advocate for yourself Sally. If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re never gonna be able to take care of your kids going forward. Period.”
Jo let that sink in for a moment as Sally took another drag trying to blow her smoke away from her friend.
“That might mean that maybe you need to stop doing the nighttime diapering thing for right now…at least you yourself. Maybe Jordie just needs to just take care of herself for a little while? If CPS starts coming to your house, Jordan is smart enough to figure out what’s up soon enough. It’ll be hard on her but this is gonna be hard on all of you all… If you just keep plowing a head though Sally and you don’t look out for yourself, you might end up doing something alarming that might make those idiot child-watchers actually want to take your kids away! And that’d be terrible. You just need to get through this season, let Ted get shown for what he is. Let the CPS people do their thing. You have nothing to hide. It’ll all work out.”
The recollection of her court-room tirade that Tuesday came to mind and she felt fear once again. “I think you’re right as usual Jo. I think you’re right. I know I can do this. Thank you.”
Jo’s words were therapeutic (so was the smoke and the tears). Sally could feel herself calming. They talked for another hour all told between the park bench and the car ride back to Sally’s car in Fremont. She drove home steeled and ready as she’d ever be.
Ted had been routinely asking Jordan to come for a visit ever since the disaster weekend in December, but she had almost universally refused his requests. However, something in his mannerisms that Friday night when he came to the house to pick up her sisters softened her heart a little so that when he made his predictable appeal, she curiously decided to accept the dinner date with he and her siblings. As had been the case the night of the first hearing that Tuesday, Jordan was again left home alone to babysit her sisters for a couple hours in the late afternoon and evening (on this occasion, they had been picked up and dropped off by Bob Miller with Alex in tow).
“Where’s the Mercedes?” she asked her Dad looking out the front window to the street where Melissa’s fancy car always sat waiting when he picked her sisters up.
“Oh…um…well, Melissa isn’t gonna be able to make it tonight…so…I picked up a rental.” It was a Ford Focus, this little compact thing that looked like a pregnant roller skate.
Jordan raised her eyebrows. “Hmmm. Ok Dad.”
She helped him gather up Jen’s bag of equipment and the three shuffled out the door.
In the car, Ted asked the younger girls about their weeks and about what had been happening at school. He seemed both chipper and…sad…to Jordan. It was weird. But she also had pretty much only seen and interacted with him when he showed up at the house to pick up her sisters or on the rare occurrence when he called her.
“I heard your story on NPR last weekend Jordan.” She heard him say as they pulled on to Hwy 99 headed north (which seemed odd to the teenager).
“Oh yeah?” She asked a little suspiciously.
“Yeah. It came on after that funny live music show with the guy who sings about biscuits and Minnesota. I was amazed Jordan, the way you spun that thing was really really remarkable. I honestly had no idea you were so talented.”
She didn’t say anything but felt a little miffed by his lack of sensitivity. She made a face but didn’t say anything.
Will he ever not be a buffoon? Will he ever just be sweet and kind and thoughtful and make me feel like he’s proud of me? She thought.
“Sorry…I didn’t mean it like that honey…”
“No…It’s fine…” she replied shortly, not wanting to get in it with him but honestly feeling a little hurt.
“I mean, you are an amazing writer Jordan. Truly. I stayed up late on Sunday night to hear it a second time when they ran the show again. What I meant was that I probably was so caught up in my own life that I never realized how gifted you actually are. You should be proud of yourself.”
His mind went back to the previous Sunday when it had come on the radio. Hearing his daughter’s name the first time didn’t strike him as particularly unusual but fairly rapidly he had realized that that was indeed the story for which she had won the trip and all the hullabaloo. He listened intently and when the fake live-audience applause set in at the end of the reading, he cried sitting there in Melissa’s car. He cried big tears of regret and self-doubt, and shame for all that had taken place during the season she had written it.
The vote for his job had at that point had still really shaken him up and he still felt uneasy as well as gratitude for what he perceived to have taken place…let off under a pardon of grace led in part by Jordan’s English teacher. Sure, he had been the one to lead the charge against him in the first place, but in coming to his senses, Ted felt vindicated and accepted and wanted to pay the goodness forward to others.
When he had heard the second recording of Jordan’s story later that night in the apartment with Melissa, she had gone to bed early while he finished and he had wept yet again; this time for what he had missed out on specifically with is daughter. She is such a talented and creative and unique and amazing human being and I’ve been so focused on helping other people and growing the center that I’ve missed out on so much of her life. He had thought to himself in humiliation.
Back in the car at April Friday Night, after Ted clarified his compliment, Jordan felt a little guilty for getting so hot under the collar with him then.
She said, “Really? Wow Dad. You listened to it twice on the same day? What was your favorite part?”
“Well, I think I’ve gotta say, the part I liked the best was when the boy, Isaac right? When Isaac finally is able to convince his dad to help the aliens off the planet. That dialogue was just genius – it was perfect and so realistic and just captured exactly what their relationship had been about – it was almost like a test. Isaac wanted to see if his dad was really there for him or not. And even though he had felt like he had been let down, he came through.”
They both sat silent in the car for a few minutes after that before Mindi interjected something random about her friend who brings spaceship fruit snacks to school in his lunch every day, and how he won’t share them. The two were grateful for the break in tension that took their minds from obvious subplot behind Jordan’s original text.
Despite her anger for her Dad in all he’d done, she felt surprised and happy he’d taken the time to do this one small thing. I still don’t trust him, she thought, but it does seem like he actually tried this time, which is a change.
She couldn’t help but think about the way in which (she believed) he had blackmailed Mr. Johns to maintain the status quo at Hope. It made her feel disgusted almost immediately and the feelings of affection passed. He’s so incredibly good at playing people and getting what he wants though. The chances are high, he’s still just trying to mess with me right now. She thought.
Jordan wondered to herself as they bumped North down the road toward ‘God only knew where’, if she ought to confront him on it and let him know that she was in on his nastiness. But in the dark of the night, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.
And what would be the point anyways? She reasoned. To just let him know yet another way in which he’s disappointed me?
“So where are we going anyways?” Jordan finally blurted out.
“Oh I wanted to take you to this pizza place used to go to when I was in college – up here in Everett.”
“Whoa! Jeez Dad. Is this like mid-life crisis, relive your 20’s night or something?” She felt bad as soon as she said it but her anger at Ted had been building.
To his credit, he took the mild jab in stride. “Yeah, maybe something like that.”
Once in the restaurant and after having been served with a large deep dish pepperoni and pineapple pie (the joint had the style of racks that held pizzas elevated off the table), Ted after telling a bunch of stories about people from the shelter that week along with jokes to go with them (making his younger girls hoot and laugh) got a little more serious.
“I want to tell you girls something so listen for a second. I wasn’t totally honest about Melissa not being here tonight.”
Oh great, another lie. Thought Jordan.
“The truth is that Melissa and I broke up. We’re no longer together. And she doesn’t work at Hope Seattle anymore either.”
Mindi and Jordan became wide eyed and looked up surprised, Jen grasped what he had said but didn’t give the same kind of emotional reaction.
Mindi asked, “Kind of like you and Mamma?”
Holding back his pride, Ted said, “Well, sort of I guess. Yes.”
“Does that mean you’re gonna work things out with mom?” Jordan looked at him with ice and daggers and many other sharp objects in her eyes.
He cleared his throat, stalling for a moment. “Um…no…I don’t think so sweetie. Sometimes things happen that are too painful to resolve fully. It’s possible…I guess…but…unlikely I’d say…”
“So what happened with…Melissa?” Jordan asked with some incredulity.
“I’m not going to go into details about it but I think I started to understand her for who she is – and being with her is just not who I am or who I want to be.” He looked Jordan in the eyes. “I’m sorry for the way she treated you Jordan. And I’m sorry for not standing up for you.”
A bolt of energy shot through Jordan. The words from her dad were shocking. Not only was the fact that Melissa was gone an unbelievable (and welcome) revelation, but her Dad had just apologized to her for something he had done to hurt her – in an accurate and contrite way. She was confused.
What the hell is happening here? Is this for real? What’s he trying to get from me? Why would he break up with that woman? I hate her so much – why would he give me that gift? And…she fought back tears…he actually realized that he hadn’t stood up for me? He knew how painful that was? God Dad!
A lump formed in her throat. She didn’t want what he said to be as meaningful as it apparently was. But it was. She couldn’t speak.
“Whatever happens, I just want you to know that I love you all and that you mean the world to me.” He looked each of them in the eyes. “We’re going to make it work. No matter what happens. We’ll figure it out.”
Dad! What the hell are you talking about? What is going on? Jordan thought. But it would be weeks before she or her sisters would be let in on the drama that had ensued between her father and mother – or the truth of Ted’s assumed involvement in blackmail bid on Mr. Johns’ job.