Chapter 40 – [April 26, 2002]
Ted had moved some of his personal effects into his office at Hope Seattle – at least all of those that could seem not entirely out of place in a professional space. The rest of his junk was piled in a heap in a seedy motel room on the south side of downtown Seattle near the international district.
Dawn was breaking and he was on foot – walking to the bus stop on his way to work yet again. Without a car or other reliable form of transportation, Ted felt as though he was a few breaths away from some of the clients his company served. That afternoon, once the court hearing was over, he planned to check out a couple apartment and condo units in Capital Hill and also in Fremont.
But the biggest thing on the disheveled looking man’s mind was his ex-wife and how he had completely dismantled her life…his life…the whole family’s life, over the past 8 months through a series of decisions that lacked wisdom or self-control. How could I have been so naïve? How could I have been so selfish and stupid? Tyler Johns was right in the first place…what right do I even have to be the leader of a company like ‘Hope’? This whole thing is my fault. I’m such an IDIOT!! And now – I get to go hear the report of how Sally – my wife – MY WIFE – is or isn’t an abuser of my children. How ridiculous! How can this possibly be happening? How can I have possibly created this? I’m the biggest asshole in the world.
The man’s shame was beyond anything he had known in his life. Yet he also was well aware that there was essentially nothing he could do to fix the situation. The die had been cast. His relationship with Sally was irreconcilable. The CPS case was in motion (not precisely because of him – but that wasn’t the point). And whatever was going to take place was much out of his control. He shook his head and moped onto the bus; a defeated man.
Late that afternoon, Ted carried the same energy into the courtroom. Sally might’ve expected a little more triumph from her conqueror; but all she saw was the same sense of penitence and sorrow that had seemingly come across his face when she had first received the news of the CPS inquest at their previous hearing. Watching his apparent state of defeat was mystifying to the woman who felt very similar herself. It simply didn’t add up in her mind. What the hell is going on here? Doesn’t he want this? What kind of charade is he trying to pull? The bastard.
Roger Johnson (Sally’s lawyer) followed by Brian Harris (Ted’s lawyer) laid out different aspects or their client’s claims on parental rights in the case and highlighted evidence before the judge. When the judge called the CPS social worker Emma Smart to the podium, Sally cringed; what she didn’t notice was that Ted did as well.
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Sally’s interview with the social worker had been Thursday that week and the expert had given very little real-time feedback as to her findings during the process. Sally hadn’t known how to take it. When Emma asked Sally why the thirteen year old was wearing full blown adult diapers instead of ‘more appropriate bedwetting pull-ups’ for her problem, Sally had reacted defensively to the judgment she perceived behind the question. She fired back that the pull-ups leaked badly and that her daughter might as well not even wear anything in the first place if that was the only option; she noted that the whole idea with ‘protection’ was to simplify the laundry toll on the already stressed household. After that, Emma had lobbed another sortie inquiring if she thought it was unusual for a mother to force her teenage daughter to submit to nightly diapering like an infant. The nasty tone once again led Sally to react very defensively, putting up barbs to the conclusions she perceived behind the question. She had reiterated that the only reason she was helping Jordan with her nighttime attire was because she leaked if she did it herself (which she had tried on more than one occasion).
Before Emma could ask another question, Sally had continued by saying that she hadn’t been trying to hide anything…that her daughter never had seemed to be distressed by the routine and that their practice had been noted by numerous medical professionals over the past several months. “I’m sure you’ve looked through her medical records by now haven’t you Ms. Smart?” Sally had barked.
“Of course the social worker had perused everything and none of the physicians had noted any concern or indication of abuse taking place (which was of significance). But only one of the physicians had specifically noted that you were doing the diaper changes yourself which makes me wonder if you may indeed have been keeping that detail away from the others.” Emma had quipped back rather sharply which led Sally to feel both furious and manically out of control.
How the FUCK can this be happening?!
The more the two talked about the details of Jordan’s routine, her attitude toward it, and what had happened in the school year, the more Sally became defensive and frustrated. She increasingly cut the social worker off, corrected statements made as fact, and argued with her about details. She had felt any good impression she might’ve left with the young girl at the beginning of the interview had slipped away.
The interview had ended with curt courtesies and Emma’s promise to provide her a copy of her report at the time of the hearing at the end of the week.
Sally could feel the sweat roll down her back under her work blouse and pant-suit as the social worker made her report in the courtroom late that Friday afternoon. Roger Johnson had asked the judge to make all non-essential leave before it had begun. Yet even hearing the details of her daughter’s enuresis and the suspicion of sexual misconduct as the basis for the investigation spoken aloud in front of the those few individuals present was mortifying for the mother of three. The whole time Emma spoke, Ted’s head hung and he looked straight down to the floor in shame.
Of the many things Emma described (including her interviews with each of Sally and Ted’s children, Ted himself, Melissa, and Dr. Yepp), was the interaction she had had at school with Jordan herself. Apparently, Jordan had been the only individual not to talk at all about her Mom doing the diapering…she had been willing to talk about her medical condition and wearing diapers to cope with it. But she had been completely tight lipped about how that actually had been taking place.
This unexplained secrecy, according to the social worker, potentially indicated that indeed something uncomely was taking place. However, because there was no other evidence per se, because Jordan herself clearly did not appear to be in distress (rather than floundering as would be the case for many kids going through abuse, she seemed to be soaring in most areas of life according to all parties concerned), and because the kind of limited perineal care Sally was providing isn’t necessarily abuse, Emma Smart reported an ‘inconclusive’ finding. She requested that the court offer her additional time over the spring and early summer to conduct more interviews, monitoring, and analysis before submitting her final report.
To Sally’s dismay, the judge granted the request and she felt absolutely defeated. Like a zombie, she got up and walked out of the courtroom – right in the middle of the judge’s explanation that the custody proceeding would be put on hold until the DSHS investigation was finished. Just before she reached the door, she caught a word from the judge about the possibility of criminal prosecution, which was just about enough to throw her over the edge. Sally’s lawyer quickly requested a momentary recess and apologized for his client before chasing her down the aisle and into the hallway.
He found her in a heap on the marble slab tiles weeping.
Sitting down next to her, he put his arm around her and said, “It’s gonna be ok Sally. It’s gonna be ok dear.” He had a fatherly tone to his voice which was a somewhat surprising shift.
“How could this possibly be ok Roger? How? They’re gonna prose–…they’re gonna….p…” she couldn’t get the word out.
“Sally. She didn’t say that. The findings were inconclusive. There’s no evidence. You’re not gonn—” “How could I possibly have been doing something illegal Roger?! How is that even possible? I was talking to doctors and my best friend about it all the whole time. I had nothing to hide. Jordan never was uncomfortable with what was happening. How is this possible? How can I be on trial like this?” She felt powerless and frustrated and angry misjudged all at the same time.
“Sally you’ve been caught up in some government machinery and you’re gonna have to just let the system work through itself. There’s no way you’re gonna get prosecuted here. No chance….ok?” He looked her in the eyes confidently. He was a caring man but not always the most tactful or perceptive. “But I have to tell you Sally, there’s a possibility that Ted may be able to make a strong case for custody with all of this, even if the report comes back later in the summer with the finding that the suspicions were ‘unfounded’ (which is what we want and what I’d expect). His lawyer may be able to argue that your unusual style of parenting shows a lack of judgment or something similar. And that’s especially with all the courtroom antics you’ve shown the judge so far.”
This confirmation of her worst fear hit Sally like a ton of bricks. Literally. Everything immediately went black.
Back at the house in Ballard later at night, Jordan was reeling emotionally. Her mom had come home from what she knew was a court hearing with a black eye. An outward sign of her inward condition. It didn’t take much for Jordan to know that she would once again be leaned upon for childcare and to provide emotional support for her sisters.
Luckily that night Friday evening, Jo had come over with Alex and helped with dinner prep and kid care before Sally returned. But the moment Jordan’s Mom walked in the door, she made a bee-line to the master bedroom, hardly even saying hello. Jo had followed and the two had had a long conversation with the door closed.
Alex helped Jordan put the younger girls to bed complete with a great deal of crying. They too felt the tension in the household and didn’t understand the emotional unavailability of their mother. While Jordan wasn’t in much of a position to fully grasp the pressures upon her Mom, she could see the dynamic that had emerged in her household.
Mom’s stress is really affecting her ability to take care of us all.
When Jo came out of the bedroom, everything was dark and quiet behind her. “Sorry Jordie, your Mom had a very rough hearing today. Her face got hurt because she passed out and bumped it on the edge of the table. You should be proud of how well you’ve taken responsibility of your sisters and looked after them. Your Mom loves you a lot and I know she appreciates all your help.”
Jordan’s eyes filled with tears, desperate for the touch and care she now lacked, but just barely consciously aware of the depth of her need. But what about me? Who’s gonna help me? Who’s gonna take responsibility and look after me? I’m not ready for all of this. I don’t wanna be a mom right now. I wanna HAVE a mom.
The girl’s thoughts rambled almost incoherently as the tears rolled down her face. She was unable to speak as she stood in the living room sobbing, almost pathetically Jo and Alex immediately moved closer to comfort and hold her close.
“Oh Jordie. Poor thing. This is really hard isn’t it?” Jo said as she hugged her close.
The teenager managed a nod as she continued to cry. Alex put her hand on her back an and gently massaged in support.
After a couple minutes, Jo spoke again. Grasping each of her shoulders and holding her away from her for a moment, she said, “Jordan I want you to know that you’re gonna survive this. I can’t tell you it’s gonna be easy. But you’re gonna make it through. And you’re gonna be an amazing woman because of it.”
While Jordan didn’t exactly know what she needed to hear in that moment, but this sentiment somehow wasn’t terribly fulfilling or encouraging. Looking at Jo now from arms length tears silently poured down her face all the more.
She looked pathetic.
“Oh sweetie.” Jo whispered as she pulled her in again for a hug and Alex stood by somewhat awkwardly in support – but fully engaged with and concerned for her friend.
After a few more moments, Jo whispered again again. “If you need anything at all Jordan; please ask. Don’t hesitate to call. Day or night. Ok?”
She nodded and the two made a move toward the door. Crazy emotions of abandonment, fear, sadness, and disappointment swirled in the tall teenager’s heart. She continued to cry, standing in the middle of the living room, looking down, and toes pointed together in a juvenile fashion.
Alex gave her a hug and moved to the front door to open it, Jo followed suit. As her friend’s mom was slipping out the door, Jordan finally whimpered, “Wait. Jo?”
Hardly hearing a sound, Jo turned around as if to verify it. “What is it Jordan?”
“Will you…would you…um…h…hel…help me…get r…r…ready….for bed?” Her face was downcast, red, and had developed a sheen of sweat as she made the request, desperate for attention and tender-loving-care.
Jo stepped back in the room as Alex (who was out on the porch) whipped around to see why her Mother was turning around, not having heard the doleful appeal.
“Oh dear Jordan. You really are taking all these changes hard aren’t you?” She reached for the girl’s hand. Jordan’s heart beat quicker in hopes that maybe this substitute Mom would be wiling to fill-in. “Listen sweetie, I’m really sorry but I just can’t do that right now…I think you can take care of yourself besides. It’s better this way. Trust me.” She gave the tall girl a hug and turned and left with finality. Jordan still didn’t move, frozen in place crying and crying and crying. Alone in her own home.
It always felt slightly odd and even a little guilty for Jordan when she put on her own diaper. That night, it felt sad as well.
Yet, somehow. Almost magically. Her intense emotions and worry faded the moment she felt the thick padding between her legs. Even still, after almost 8 months of near daily use, a diaper’s capacity to produce a consistent sense of peace in the girl was undeniable.
As she drifted off to sleep, Jordan felt warm and secure and dreadfully exposed all at once.
Maybe I really am on my own then?