Chapter 42 – [Thursday, May 16, 2002]
As school pressed toward completion, the Reynolds’ household bumped along a rocky and tension filled path. Sally (from Jordan’s perspective) continued to be more distant than she had grown accustomed over the bulk of the school year. The seventh-grader’s bedwetting had continued although surprisingly over the course of the weeks from mid-April to mid-May it had tapered down it’s march a little bit, only occurring several times a week instead of every single night. Since Sally hadn’t been changing her before bed (and had only sometimes helped her in the mornings beforehand anyways), she thus far was unaware of this rather positive development. However, (and also unbeknownst to Sally) Jordan had peed in her diaper on purpose on a number of those twice or thrice-weekly ‘dry’ mornings — simply because she liked the feeling.
On one particular Mid-may Thursday morning, Jordan laid in bed feeling the warm wetness spread under her butt and thinking about summer camp of all things. She had been relieved that the accidental wetting overnight seemed to be somewhat going away or at least declining. She knew juggling bedwetting at camp would be a drag and if she could somehow (miraculously) overcome it in the next few weeks, it would be fantastic. However, the total absence of bedwetting would create a new problem and this wouldn’t leave her mind as she lay in bed dreaming about her summer.
How will I get more diapers if I quit altogether? What if it really does stop? I can’t just pee my pants on purpose every morning to make it look like I have this problem can I? That’s both weird and a little pathetic. Plus I’d kind of be lying too. I’m not sure I can do that with a full heart. And I don’t really WANT to have the problem at camp anyways. She thought.
The tall teenager thought about how she had come to rely on her diapers all the more for emotional support as well. Sometimes even in school over the past month, she had found herself thinking about the sensation of wearing a diaper when she felt stressed or afraid about a project or assignment. When Amber and Nicole mistreated her, remembering the security of her diapers was part of what helped her through it. And none of that was to mention the apparent more sensual attraction they had curiously developed for her.
If I stopped wetting before camp, it would sure simplify things up there though. How can I possibly be wearing diapers every while I’m there? She thought about the little bunk-bed ‘cubby’ rooms in the cabins where pairs of girls would share tight spaces for the summer. A curtain instead of a door closed them off from the rest of the cabin hallway and in each, there was hardly enough room to turn around, let alone primp with a diapered derrier. The fact that she was sharing her ‘room’ with Alex didn’t stifle the fear because there would be an additional 8-12 girls in the same larger cabin.
But what if I still ‘need’ diapers while I’m there? I’ll have no choice. If I stop wetting, for real, I won’t be able to justify taking any in case I ‘need’ them for ‘other’ reasons. And how the heck am I supposed to get them if mom quits buying them? I can’t imagine she’ll want to get me them just for my fun. And besides, that’d be SO awkward. The thirteen-year-old began to see the catch 22 she seemed to be in. I either am a diaper-wearing bedwetter (and that gives me a legitimate reason to need diapers) — or, I’m a diaper wearing freak who has to find an alternate source. This is terrible.
The fact that she indeed liked wearing her diapers, liked the attention and care her Mom had once offered, and liked the feeling of safety and happiness they seemed to provide, all served to give her a dose of clarity and a certain degree of mental stability. Yet at the same time, the adult-sized teen still felt a great deal of shame about it as well. The little comfort she could garner at that point was simple admission of the truth of the reality.
I wonder if there’s anyone else who is like this? She thought.
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Later that afternoon after the three sisters finished their school days, Jordan was once again babysitting. Ever since late April and the fateful ‘talk’ with her Mom, the seventh-grader had become the de facto daily ‘sitter’ in place of more formal (and costly) childcare programs. Sally was able to get off work a little early that Thursday, and she was considering taking the whole gang out for a pizza dinner as a sort-of stress relief treat. There was a place up in Lynwood with a rock-and-roll themed dining room and she figured the girls would like it.
When Sally walked in the house, everything was dead quiet. Because it was unusual for her to be home so early in the day, she didn’t know if the silence was the norm. Passing through the doorway and down the hall toward the girls’ rooms, she saw that both sets of bedroom doors were closed. Walking past Jordan’s new room initially, she went to the younger sisters’ door and cracked it open quietly. She peered inside and was rather surprised to see both soundly asleep in bed.
What is this? Daycare? It’s only 4:45 in the afternoon! Is Jordan the kid-whisperer or something? I could never get them to take a nap like this if my life depended on it. Sally thought with a bit of humor on he heart.
Moving to her eldest’s door, Sally decided to knock quietly instead of just opening it.
No answer.
She knocked softly one more time but yet again, heard no response.
She cracked the door, but kept her eyes averted, careful not to embarrass her daughter in case she was doing what she knew had become a habit during many of the afternoons when she had been alone.
“Jordan?” she whispered in a hushed voice.
Still no response.
I hope she’s here… She wouldn’t leave the girls alone in the house would she? Sally wondered momentarily, her mind shifting to other possibilities.
But opening the door further, the mother of three spied her thirteen year old laying on her side and stomach on top of the bed clearly fast asleep. She was wearing her school uniform skirt and matching blouse and her wet diaper was clearly exposed underneath the pleated fabric. In a jolt of embarrassment — Sally couldn’t help but notice how Jordan’s hand also appeared to be stuffed down under the front waistband of her skirt and diaper as she slept.
Quickly, Sally made a move to turn and close the door but not before her eye caught the lit desktop computer screen in her eldest daughter’s room. It sat on her desk which was pushed up against the same wall which shared the door and hallway. Plastered across the page in bright colors were the letters “ABDL” and below it were several thumbnail pictures of adult men and women in various stages of undress wearing baby clothes and diapers. Gawking for a moment, Sally hastily continued her retreat out of the bedroom and closed the door before her teenager stirred.
Why did you go in there Sally?! You idiot! And what the hell did I just see in there anyways? What kind of crazy diaper pornography was that? And was she…masturb—ating…? She’s thirteen! I didn’t hardly know I had anything more down there other than to pee with at her age. What have I done to her? Oh my God. This is terrible. What am I gonna do?
As she glided quietly back toward her bedroom, Sally fretted and stewed with genuine dismay and fear.
———
An hour later, Jordan and the girls stirred. Sally banging around in the kitchen and laundry room sped that process along quite a bit. When the older girl emerged from her room and discretely tried to pad down the hall toward the bathroom, what might’ve still been a secret had Sally not seen what she had earlier, became obvious to all. Unbeknownst to the teenager, the back of her skirt was tucked in her diaper, revealing it to her Mom who continued to bustle in the kitchen but with a clear view down the hall…
This girl. Sally thought, Mercy! She ought to be a little more careful or all her friends are gonna find out about this for sure! Not to mention the trouble it’s gonna cause me! Her own shame bubbled out of control.
Jordan emerged a few minutes later looking as though nothing unusual had taken place and Sally didn’t let on any different. The younger sisters were up from their naps shortly after that and despite the fact that it was close to 6:30pm, Sally proposed her plan to go out for dinner. All three responded with joy and interest. Interested in exactly what Jordan had been doing on the computer, but far too embarrassed to ask, Sally drove in almost silence. Mindi and Jen jabbered on about their day and week thus far. Apparently, a girl in Mindi’s class had had a birthday party that day and they ran out of cupcakes. A boy named Billy didn’t get one and he had thrown his desk over in the room because he was so angry. Mindi went on to explain how he was a jerk and no one liked him.
“Now Mindi, lots of people do strange things sometimes and it’s easy to judge them or think they’re bad at first. But if we just put ourselves in their shoes for a few minutes, we might find that they’re not such bad people after all. I bet you sometimes go to school upset about stuff and your friends don’t know why right? What about last week when you got your finger slammed in the door? No one knew about it really, and you were kinda irritable all day long at home — and I’m sure at school. What if all your classmates just decided that you’re a jerk and that they shouldn’t like you?”
“Well that’d be mean. They should know that I had a bad day!”
“Well…sometimes other people have bad days too Mindi…sometimes people have bad weeks or bad months… Maybe Billy is having trouble at home that you don’t know about — and it wasn’t really fair that he didn’t get a cupcake. Maybe that was just the last straw to happen to him?”
“Yeah, I guess. But he’s still crazy.” She reiterated.
Sally couldn’t help but think of how that line of thought might apply to her oldest daughter and her interesting choice of computer entertainment. Maybe I need to give JORDAN a break…she’s definitely been through a LOT…I just don’t know how to do it…
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Back home after dinner and with the whole gang in bed, Sally lay in her own and breathed a sigh that contained fear, anxiety, and sadness.
What has happened to our lives? Where has the “Reynolds Family” gone?
She thought about Jordan and her apparent budding fixation with wearing diapers at most times of the day and night — and maybe even some kind of sexual kink involving them. Feeling now like a family member who enables an alcoholic in his or her addiction, Sally could sense shame and embarrassment creep through her body. Her orientation to Jordan’s ‘needs’ was shifting yet again.
How could I just let this happen under my roof? How could I mindlessly go along with my thirteen year old on her perverted sexual desires? This is obviously an aberration. I mean, Mindi and Jen are now dry every single night. They, like normal kids, wet the bed for a little while, sure. But I’ve never heard of teenager starting wetting like this in my whole life. What if its all made up? What if it’s all fake? What if Jordan is doing it on purpose so that she can wear diapers in the first place because she wants to — do what she’s doing with them? What if it’s all a ruse?
She rolled over in her bed and spied her large leather bound Bible on the night stand on what formerly was Ted’s side of the bed. Dust had settled on it’s cover and the gilded pages looked almost untouched. It had been months since she had cracked its cover and she and the girls’ church attendance had been sporadic since the separation had solidified. Facing her church community had become a chore in light of Ted’s failures and she had grown to dread any kind of conversation about what was happening between the two of them. Every time she had run into a church member at the grocery store or at the school, she had worried about who’s “side” they were on and if they were judging her for ‘kicking Ted out of the house’ (even though that wasn’t what had actually taken place). The sheer expenditure of energy just to show up to worship was immense — and so they had not gone very often.
Could God be punishing me for not being very faithful lately? I know the pastor says that’s not how he does business but still… Is my whole life going so badly because I’m dropping the ball spiritually? Is God letting Ted do this thing with CPS because I’m allowing my daughter to bring sexual sin into my home? Should I quit buying the diapers and force her just to change the sheets?
Sally thought back on how she herself used to be when she and Ted had first been married: devout, conservative, serious, dedicated, focused. Many things had shifted since then…especially in the past several months. She felt as though, through her conversations with Jo and the circumstances surrounding being a single mom and Jordan’s trials, she had really become far more ‘soft’ and humanistic in her orientation to life. This was new in the big picture. Part of this made her feel good. But that night, laying in bed, she questioned herself too. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had prayed — and that was disturbing.
Am I off track? Have I compromised core values? Should I be a more strict parent? I know I didn’t abuse my daughter but maybe there’s an inkling of truth in Melissa’s complaint to CPS…maybe it was wrong for me to be so permissive about what Jordan wants? Maybe I should’ve told her ‘no’ and that NEEDING to wear diapers was one thing…but liking them or being turned on by them or seeing others wearing them is quite another. This is an abomination.
She thought about Jo and their agreement to talk that night on the phone. It was still not quite 10pm and they regularly talked that late in the evening; but Sally decided to forgo the phone call that night. Instead, she crawled across the bed, grabbed her weathered Bible along with her journal.
I’m making a change. She thought. This has got to end!
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Melissa Cooper’s Bible hadn’t been cracked for months either. She, however, didn’t spend that Thursday evening reading it. Rather, the auburn haired woman worked at packing her knick-knacks and personal effects in her Belltown apartment. After being unceremoniously fired at Hope Seattle, she had been unable to find adequate replacement work in the city. Because her lease was up in June, she had decided it was stupid to sign it again when she didn’t even know where she would be able to find a job.
That afternoon, she had finished yet another round of job application drop offs in the city. This time for positions on yet another wrung lower on the totem pole of prestige (as a clerk at Staples, Target, and other retail stores). Over the month that had passed since receiving her pink slip from the shelter, Melissa had garnered only a few calls back and once they learned that she had been fired, showed no interest in interviewing her. One manager did call her in for a conversation, but it was only a pet store chain. She hadn’t received a job offer.
As she folded up t-shirts and jeans, stuffing them into boxes, she seethed with anger against the entire Reynolds family.
Those sons of bitches haven’t heard the last of me. She thought to herself.
But as the space the she and Ted had inhabited together slowly became bare, the hollowness of her inner threat became stark. But how am I gonna feed myself, let alone settle a vendetta?