Chapter 44 – [Saturday June, 8 2002]
Jordan never came to know what her Mom had witnessed standing in her bedroom door that Friday evening in May. As far as she was aware, the diaper fetish websites were still her own private secret (as well as of course the pleasure she derived from them). However, the realization that she indeed was not alone in these desires had been a remarkable and even life-altering one.
Ever since Emma Smart’s home visit shortly after Sally’s shocking discovery, Jordan had tried to taper her daytime diaper wearing to just once or twice a week — afraid that somehow the social worker would return and find out about these true inclinations. At the same time, the young teen felt increased pressure from her Mom to ‘grow up’ over the same period of time.
Although Sally hadn’t let on specifically about what she had seen or deduced from the observation, her newfound faith reorientation helped solidify what Jordan had already been experiencing. Sally had essentially withdrawn completely from her prior positive attitude regarding ‘everything diaper related’ in the home. She had slowed the diaper orders, much more closely monitored Jordan’s usage, made comments on her apparent ‘dry nights’, questioned her about her ‘recovery process’ regarding her bedwetting, pointed forward with hope and positivity about the soon-coming time when she would ‘no longer need diapers anymore’, and of course for a long time had halted any engagement with Jordan’s old ‘nighttime routine’. In addition, the Single mother of three had continued to rely on Jordan (as the oldest child in the home) as Babysitter, stand-in cook, and general chore-doer.
The disturbing and yet somehow enchanting nighttime dreams had also continued to occur intermittently since the first one a couple weeks earlier. In fact, their intensity and vividness had increased over that period as well. Jordan believed she could tell no one about what had been happening in these anti-lucid states and so she felt entirely alone because of it. Alex and their other friends (and probably her Dad) would think them incredibly creepy. Jo, Ms. Smart, or any of her teachers probably would want her to see a shrink or something. And the tall teenager had no idea how to predict how her Mom might react to hearing such things, but it couldn’t possibly be good. So Jordan discovered she bore yet another level of secrecy.
Do I somehow want what happens in my dreams to happen to me in real life? Is that what I’m like really like? Do I like want to be some kind of baby or something? What’s going on with me? Jordan’s mind churned relentlessly. Am I just picking up on the stuff I saw from that website? Or is it that I like unconsciously want my Dad to take care of me like Mom used to? Maybe I’m only having those dreams cuz mom stopped…I’m so confused. I feel like I’m on my own to figure things out all over again; just like it was back when Mom and Dad were fighting so much.
In the wake of her new (and yet somehow old) situation, Jordan regressed back to coping with her most well known form of self-care. Writing. Of course, it hadn’t stopped over the previous couple of months. But in the weeks after Emma Smart’s home visit, the young writer had upped her focus and intentionality. The extra pressure from her Mom around the house along with minimal homework at the very end of the school year combined to produce a perfect storm for the girl who had no idea she was creating what would become a teenage sensation. By the time the day for departure to camp arrived, her book was nearly complete.
That Saturday afternoon in June, Jordan reviewed in her mind the progress she had made. Ok. So, the story so far has focused on Frankie George as a pretty young kid. He knows he’s different than other kids. Obviously, the major plot development and ‘problem’ of the book is how he learns to recognize and then control his secret ability of invisibility. His fear ends up being the controlling factor for him. When he feels completely confident and at peace, he disappears to everyone around him. When he’s afraid or anxious, he’s like a normal kid. But of course, because Frankie’s life is so volatile, peace and security comes to him only very rarely. She continued to think about her creation and process the plot line in her mind. She thought about the way his life mirrored hers (but in amplified ways).
Frankie’s field trip to the Science Center helps him with discovering his skill as well as the football game in PE class that one day. She smiled to herself thinking about the funny scenario. I also really like the character Billy Wells, Frankie’s arch enemy. The way Frankie takes it upon himself to stand up for all the other kids that Billy picks on is inspiring. The chapter with the spelling bee was fun too — and I think it gives Frankie (even though he’s young) a little idea that his special power can be abused which will be good if I end up writing more. It seems like ending on his Mom and Dad ‘discovering’ his discovery during his birthday party — but then revealing to him just a little bit more to him about his past is a good idea as well. It adds just the right ‘hook’ for future installments.
Sitting at her computer desk in her bedroom, Jordan closed the document file and saved it on a small plastic USB drive. At the time when she had received the device from NPR as one of the parting gifts for her big ‘win’, Jordan had no idea what it even did. But over the past month or so (after Alex had explained to her the usefulness of such devices) the budding author had taken to using it for editing her book both at home and at school; effectively doubling her available time for writing. She popped the digital completed version of her book in her pocked and set her mind to the next project: finishing packing for her imminent departure to camp in just a couple of hours.
——————
Sally sat reading her Bible in the plush upholstered chair in the master bedroom as her daughters played in the living room and Jordan prepared for camp in her bedroom. Jo Miller had offered to drive Jordan up to Camp White Pines some time ago and Sally had accepted the offer (albeit with a touch of reservation). The two mothers hadn’t hardly spoken in several weeks. Thus, Sally’s most recent breakdown and therefore her fundamentalist reorientation to life had become more entrenched than it might have otherwise. She flipped a delicate page and underlined some words in the Psalms as her mind shamefully drifted to the cigarettes she had enjoyed around her friend in her most stressful states not long ago. Over the weeks since her transformation, Sally had spent nearly all of her free time reading the Bible and other religious books, resorted to corporal punishment with Mindi and Jen when they didn’t mind her after her first requests, and required a great deal more out of Jordan than she had ever in the past.
She’s nearly a grown woman now. The majority of the female heroes in the Bible were married by the time they were her age or a year older. It’s time that she learns how to cook and clean a little. No more coddling. No more babying. She thought, clearly envisioning Jordan’s diaper supply and bedwetting habit. She’s got a rude awakening coming for her.
Sally’s mind shifted slightly as it hardened around her plan to quit buying diapers altogether for her oldest daughter. Once what we’ve got is all used up, I’m not buying any more. Just like the rest of the adult universe, she’s gonna have to change her own sheets in the morning. What adult in their right mind LIKES ‘diapering up’ like a baby anyways? This is sick and I’m not gonna be a part of it.
Just then Sally heard a knock on her door and she looked up. (Requiring knocking before entering her room had been just one of many ‘politeness’ changes Sally had recently initiated — regardless if the door had already been open.)
“Yes? What is it?” she answered.
“Hi mom, it’s me. Jordan.”
“Oh. Come in dear.” Sally said politely.
“Um. I’m just finishing packing for the summer—”
“Great.” She said interrupting. “Mrs. Miller will be here to pick you up soon.” She looked at her alarm clock. “It should be about an hour and a half from now. Be sure to get the kitchen cleaned up from lunch before then….Ok?”
Jordan felt astonished at the rapid changes in her home and a rush of loneliness came over her young body and soul right then and there. At the same time, the thought of escaping the war zone that her home had become once again filled her with an odd happiness. I’m so glad I get to be away for the summer. She thought. This is the definition of insanity.
“…Um…yeah ok. Sure Mom.”
“Good.” Sally said, putting her book up to read again as if Jordan had entered the room at her bequest in the first place.
“Um…Mom?”
“Yes?” She looked up, not annoyed; but on the verge of it.
“…Well…um…I’m not sure I have enough…diapers…for the summer…I mean…It’s like 10 weeks right? That’s 70 diapers; one for each night…I mean…maybe I can reuse a few if they’re dry or whatever (and I guess since I haven’t been wetting every night that is pretty likely)…but…we don’t even have a full case left and there are only 48 in a case in the first place…sooo…umm…”
Jordan felt sheepish talking to her mom about diapers after her mom’s distancing of herself from their nightly routine — and particularly after all the routine comments regarding her bedwetting progress. She had taken it upon herself to carefully pack what was left of the single open package and the 3 remaining sealed packages of 12 into a nondescript cardboard box. Months earlier, when Sally had been more understanding about the whole diaper wearing phenomenon, the two had discovered an official protocol Camp White Pines had for bedwetters. The diapers were supposed to be taken to the camp along with Jordan’s normal luggage for the summer but when she arrived, the nurse in the registration line would take possession of her ‘diaper bag’. The nurse would then store and dispense the diapers for the duration of the summer. The idea was that at specified intervals (as decided by the two of them) Jordan would make visits to her for evaluations. At those times, she would gather small resupplies to store discretely in her small room/cubby. The arrangement had made sense to both the teenager and her Mom.
Of course, by the time the day for Jordan’s departure arrived, the thirteen-year-old was mature enough to count her supply and come to the realization that she was almost 30 diapers shy of her summer necessity.
“Hmm…well…that’s quite a problem you’ve got dear.” Sally said emphasizing the personal pronoun. “How’re you gonna handle it?”
“What do you mean mom? I’m telling you aren’t I? Will you please order some more and maybe have them delivered up there for me?” Jordan said not in a snippy tone but with an edge of confidence to it.
“No. I will not be doing that Jordan.” She paused and let the words sink in.
“In fact, I’m sorry, but what you have is all you’ll ever get. I’m not planning on purchasing any more of those things for you.” She waited a second longer, witnessing the shock register on her daughter’s face — not in glee or in superiority — but simply in stern authority. “After these are used, you will deal with your medical problem like an adult until you are able to resolve it… Of course, Adults. Don’t. Wear. Diapers.”
The finality of Sally’s words were stunning for Jordan to hear. She knew her Mom had been behaving differently and perhaps had been making some changes in her overall philosophy to life; but this kind of talk was really quite foreign. It was also painful.
Everything really is changing. Whether I like it or not. Nothing will be the same again. Jordan thought. She turned and walked silently out of the master bedroom, knowing she had no chance of successfully winning this particular battle (or even how to fight it).
—————
Ted stopped by the house just before Jordan’s departure for camp to offer his goodbyes. While she was distracted, he slipped an envelope with $100 spending money inside her suitcase along with a simple note wishing her a fantastic summer and reminding her he was proud of all her accomplishments. The pleasantries at the Reynolds’ household were cordial that afternoon (even between Ted and Sally, which was rather surprising for Jordan).
At one point during his visit, Jordan was able to talk with her Dad away from everyone else.
With great trepidation and fear, she said “Dad I’m wondering if you’d be willing to do a favor for me…?”
“Well yeah sweetie, if I can. Of course.” He said not absent-mindedly but clearly not matching her high level of intensity.
“Dad. I’m serious.” She replied a little more intent on getting his affirmation. “I need a favor and it’s a really big deal to me. Please don’t say you’ll do it unless you promise you’ll do it like I ask.”
“Jordan. Ok. Well, tell you what — I won’t promise unless I can guarantee I’ll get it done. Ok?” He raised his eyebrows and stared at her. “Now how about you tell me what it is and I’ll tell you if I can do it or not?”
“Ok.” She said hesitatingly. “Well. You remember my last story right?”
He nodded.
“Well…um…I’ve been working on a new one…except this one’s longer…it’s like…a book…and—”
“Wow!” He exclaimed, interrupting her, “That’s great Jordan! Have you told your mom! I’m so proud of you!”
“Wait! Dad. Listen. I think mom knows I’ve been working on it and that’s fine. It’s just…I just…well…she’s just been acting kinda weird…about all kinds of stuff…and…well…I’m going away for the summer…and—”
“What honey?” Ted asked interrupting her again, clueless to where she was going with her set of anxieties.
“I’m worried that she might like…clean out my room and get rid of my computer…or if she found it on there, she’d erase it or something…” Jordan said almost embarrassed now of her fears. She had been thinking long and hard for several days about her fears and she knew she didn’t just want to leave her story on the computer. It would be far too risky in her mind. She decided she needed to entrust it with someone but she had no idea who; every idea ended up being a dead end. Mrs. Miller was too good of friends with her Mom be relied upon to not tell (of course Jordan didn’t know that Sally hadn’t been calling Jo much lately). Mr. Johns wasn’t an option as she now regarded him as her quasi-enemy. Each of her girlfriends would be at camp along with her so they wouldn’t work. And other folk like school administrators or Emma Smart just weren’t close enough to be trusted.
Dad is my only solution. She had thought earlier that day, feeling frustrated at being backed into a corner.
“Jordan!” Ted said condescendingly. “Your mom would never do som—”
“Dad please. I don’t have that much time. I don’t want to debate this with you. Mom’s different now, ok? And I think she just might. It scares me….So I have my story saved on this USB thing…do you know what these are?” Jordan fished the plastic device out of her jeans shorts’ pocket and held it up.
“Yeah. We have a couple around the office. Pretty cool deals.” He said seemingly losing his train of thought for a moment.
“Ok. Well it’s on here saved. And I was hoping you could keep it safe for me for the summer…I don’t want to take it to camp because it would almost for sure gonna get wrecked or stolen up there…and I’ve worked super hard on it and I just don’t want to lose it you know? Would you promise to do that for me? Please? Keep it safe? This is a really really big deal to me Dad. I don’t have any other options right now.”
Ted took a deep breath and paused for a moment.
“Jordan.” He looked at her straight in the eye. “You can trust me with this. I promise to keep it safe. I promise to take care of it. And as soon as you get back, I’ll give it right back to you.”
“Ok Dad. Thanks so much!” She smiled and handed the USB drive over before offering him a quick hug.
“Now I have a quick question for you though” He said.
“Oh? What’s that?” She said.
“Well…can I read it?” He asked smiling.
She thought for a moment…sincerely thinking in silence. “Ok. Sure Dad. You can read it.” She said, returning the grin.
When it was time for Jordan to get in the Miller’s car, she found herself unexpectedly pulling a little more closely and tightly (and for a little longer) to her Dad than to her mother. This was an odd and novel experience for the thirteen year old girl who for essentially the duration of her short life had almost exclusively favored her mother in every way. But now, in a way that she could not have described, that seemed to be shifting; and she wasn’t even sure if she liked it.
The ground seemed to be moving right underneath her feet.
—————
In the car, Alex cackled long and hard about how much she was looking onward to the summer. Through the BCS grapevine, she had learned that both Georgia and Cindy were in their cabin, but that the other 4 girls of the 8 total were unknowns. Furthermore, she had discovered through Georgia that their primary cabin counselor was a Education Major college student from Seattle Pacific University who had worked as a student teacher in the high school at BCS that year. Kari was her name and she had been almost universally beloved that year (although the majority of the Jr. High students hardly had any acquaintance with her). Georgia had said that Kari’s cabins were always the most cute in terms of decoration and that theirs in particular that summer was nicknamed ‘Dragonfly’.
But the thing that Alex yammered on the most about during the 4hr car ride down south was how excited she was about sharing her room/cubby with Jordan. “It’ll be like we’re sisters.” She had said, smiling and hugging Jordan on the back bench seat of the Mercedes SUV.
Of course, Alex didn’t have any actual siblings and so there was a part of her interest that was no doubt rooted in the novelty of the experience. Jordan’s best friend went on and on about decorating their ‘room’ (in fact, Jo had purchased them matching Twin size comforters for their beds), sharing clothes, telling stories at night, doing pedicures and manicures, fixing each other’s makeup, and telling secrets. As she did, Jordan uncomfortable around her friend for one of the first times in her entire life.
She couldn’t help but allow the thought creep into her head: Is Alex like — attracted to me — in like a ‘more than a friend’ kind of way? Could all her excitement be really about ‘something else’ here?
She felt guilty and confused as the questions arose, but she couldn’t help herself. Is Alex — like — attracted to girls or something? I mean, she’s never said so before but at the same time, she’s never had a boyfriend before… But…neither have I until Joey this spring so that seems pretty unreasonable of me to judge her based on that. And she’s always talking about boys so… I dunno… She second guessed herself. Maybe I’m just a little sensitive after all this stuff with my mom.
Having been raised a typical girl in conservative Christian subculture, Jordan had great judgment for anyone who identified as homosexual and the very thought of it was a huge taboo in her mind. She remembered the accusations and rumors that had once been passed around about her by Georgia, Riley, and Cindy (at least as far as she had heard from Alex) and how much it had bothered her to be associated as a lesbian (even falsely). She wasn’t sure what she would do if Alex actually was one — let alone if she wants to ‘be with me’ or something! ICK!!
Through her diatribe, Alex didn’t even breathe a word about Jordan’s greatest anticipation about camp: Joey Michael. This too caused Jordan to feel weird — but mostly a little passed over and ignored. She and Joey had been ‘going out’ since the end of April. Even though they didn’t talk a whole lot (he was still just a thirteen year old boy and quite a bit more immature than Jordan), they still hung out together and did talk about how much fun they would have at camp. Of course Jordan, in full pubescent glory, envisioned the summer as a kind of amazing romantic getaway with ‘her man’.
All these ideas rolled through the young girl’s mind as they bumped along the road closer and closer to the camp on the Columbia River Plateau; and all the while her best friend continued to talk almost nonstop — seemingly oblivious to what was really on her mind.