Chapter 48 – [Wednesday, June 26, 2002]
“I’m really sorry Mrs. Reynolds but I just can’t give you any more details.”
“This is just really stressful you know? Just waiting and waiting…”
“I don’t doubt it is Mrs. Reynolds; I apologize if I’m adding to it. But I can’t share with you anything about what —”
“I’m not a criminal! Alright?!” Sally burst out in anger, unable to keep composed any longer. The social worker had been in the house all evening, from the moment Sally had returned from work at around 6pm and had planned to stay until close to 8pm.
“I didn’t do anything wrong! I’m a very VERY good mother and there’s absolutely no substance to the allegation that I abused my daughter.”
“Listen Mrs. Reynolds,” Emma Smart stood and turned to leave the living room in the little house on 22nd Avenue, “no one is saying you are a criminal. And obviously nothing egregious seems to be taking place given how well adjusted your daughter is — and given the fact that a judgment wasn’t made against you in the first hearing.” She looked at the middle aged woman with eyebrows raised and a hand on her hip as if she was the parent in the situation. Emma appeared authoritative and well-informed but the truth was that she was terrified of Sally and couldn’t wait to get off the case.
“Let me offer you some advice off the record,” she continued speaking with more confidence than she felt and going out on a limb, “if you keep having outbursts like this (and especially in the courtroom) that in itself might sway the judge against you in terms of custody. You need to take a breather and relax Sally.”
At that, Sally’s mouth dropped slightly open in stunned silence and the social worker made her way out the door, closing it behind her. The moment it latched, the cordless phone in Sally’s hand began ringing.
The mother of three looked down and saw the amber screen lit up with an unfamiliar number. Hmm, she thought, I wonder if this could be Jordie? Kinda weird of her to call in the middle of the week. I thought they limited calls to weekends only?…I hope nothing’s wrong.
“Hello?” she answered.
The voice on the other end sounded haggard and pained; it had been through a lot.
“Jordan? Is that you?” She screeched, sounding less empathetic than she really intended.
The voice shifted to somewhat frantic storytelling as Mindi and Jen came running, hoping to talk with their sister whom they somehow surprisingly had come to miss after just a few weeks of absence.
“Jordan you’ve got to slow down honey, I can’t understand you when you’re yelling like this…”
A faint “MOOOOM!!!” could be heard audibly from the handheld device even on the other side of the living room as Jordan boomed with frustration at her Mom’s apparent lack of understanding. But once again, the young teen went through the entire story again — slower this time (but still fast all things being equal). It included Joey’s breakup, the diapers on display in the cabin, and the rumors being spread about her ER visit, among many other details.
Sally finally responded with an indication that she grasped the situation, “I see sweetie. I’m sorry. That must be hard for you.” But it was without deep emotional investment.
Jordan’s heart was folded in many pieces, waiting, longing, hoping for her Mom’s tender sympathetic words and commiseration. With all her heart, she willed Sally to return to the old ways of gentle care.
It didn’t come.
Sally certainly saw the behaviors of those responsible for her daughter’s pain as wrong, but she attempted to dialogue with Jordan about it logically, dicing through her theories with coldness. Sally’s opinion of the supposed instigators of the ‘crime’ and ‘rumor mill’ was that it was Jordan who had more guilt to bear for the whole scenario anyways because she created the opportunity in the first place by choosing to have diapers at camp.
“Listen honey,” she said, “you don’t know for sure who exactly did that. I know you’re convinced. But it could’ve been anyone. Really. And rumors start from all kinds of places and you have no idea what anyone is actually saying. You’re probably making a mountain out of a molehill….besides, if you weren’t insisting on still wearing those things like a little baby, you wouldn’t be in this situation would you?”
By that time in the phone conversation, Jordan’s chin had given way to uncontrollable quivering and her eyes flowed with tears that fell like rain. In silence she gently bit her fist and shook her head in mystification at how distant her mother had become.
How can this kind of stuff still be happening to me? How is this still my life? Everyone hates me now and mom doesn’t care…?
“Mom I wanna come home.” She finally blurted out in the midst of a monologue lecture.
“What?”
Jordan stayed silent.
“What did you say?” Sally asked, knowing what had been said but wanting her daughter to stand in the shoes if those were the ones she wanted.
“I wanna…” she choked up “…I wanna…come home…” it was impossible to hide the crying now.
Sally felt for her daughter but believed that this was just a normal blip on the Jr. High radar. She had her own stress to worry about anyways.
“Jordan, do you have any idea how much that summer camp costs?! You’re overreac—” she began as the teen interrupted.
“No Mom! You’re just not giving any reaction! Just because it isn’t a big deal to you, doesn’t mean it isn’t a big deal to me. Just because you don’t understand why it happens or why I wear them doesn’t mean I’m crazy or disgusting…”
The phone clicked off. Sally was unsure if Jordan had accidentally hung up on her or if it was intentional. She felt badly — but also firm as ever in her reactions. The girl is thirteen and she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Live a little life; go around the block a few times; and then she’ll know what it’s like to go through some pain.
The mother of three held the phone in her hand. Gazing out the window.
“Mom can we talk with her?” Mindi asked.
Only then was Sally jolted into the reality that her girls had been standing at her feet for the whole conversation — probably having heard everything.
“Sorry Mindi, your sister isn’t feeling well. She had to hang up.” Sally said matter-of-factly. “Let’s go get you girls ready for bed.”
Knowing she hadn’t given her daughter the kind of emotional support she really needed, Sally thought, I sure hope she doesn’t call Ted.
————————————
Of course it was the very next thing Jordan had done after she slammed the black phone handle down on the metal receiver in the glass and aluminum phone booth. In fact, Jordan hit it so hard that the speaker end showed a hairline crack on its hardened plastic. It was actually kind of an odd reaction for the girl who typically regressed back into sadness, self-pity, and loneliness (not anger) when faced with adversity. But after having processed some of her situation through the tense conversation with her Mom, her confidence had grown a bit.
Ted’s reaction had been far different from Sally’s. Rather than sympathetic listening, Ted had immediately gone into laser-focused investigative-journalist-mode before succumbing to pure, white-hot rage. Somehow, this had surprised Jordan who didn’t really know what to expect from her father. They had been growing slowly closer over the past month and a half and Jordan’s trust had been increasing in him in small steps, but still, she somehow doubted his true interest in looking out for her. But his reaction particularly to hearing about the rumors regarding her ER visit had demonstrated his ongoing emotional investment in her life. He had hit the roof.
“WHAT!?” He exclaimed, “Who the fuck at the hospital sharing your PRIVATE medical information?! I’m not gonna put up with this shit one more minute! This is fucking bullshit Jordan!”
It had been weird for the thirteen year old to hear her father cuss but it had also been somehow refreshing — almost flattering. She felt oddly embarrassed at how…protective…he seemed to be acting over her and her situation. It was a weird sensation; and she liked it. Jordan did everything she could not drop back into more tears as the warmth of feeling seen flooded her body. But her eyes betrayed her and her vision blurred with warm salty streaks as she sat on the floor in the dirty outdoor booth under the florescent glow.
“Daddy, I dunno who told them but it was Amber and Nicole that spread it at camp…the same girls who’ve been so mean all year…they hate me because I won that competition…and then Joey started liking…”
The thought of Joey and the way he had so suddenly ditched her without provocation or conversation brought a whole new swell of tears and jerking heaves on her body.
“Jordan sweetie we’re gonna get to the bottom of this. I’m sooo sorry honey. This isn’t ok. Ok?” He said, genuine concern in his voice.
“Everything was just… ‘SNIFF’…going so well up here…you know?” she said in a pitiful voice.
“I know honey. I know. This crap isn’t supposed to happen… I’m really sorry sweetie.”
She continued to whimper and cry as he listened on the other end. Unable to do anything.
“I haven’t talked with you Mom or anything, but do you want me to come get you in the morning?” he asked after a pause.
She cried even harder at the suggestion; it made her heart melt.
“Sorry honey. I’m not saying you have to come home. I was just offe—” Ted defended his statement as Jordan interrupted.
“Daddy please come!” Through sobs and snot and sniffs, she blurted out the request. “Please come now…I can’t be here anymore…please Daddy…please!” The sound of her voice was defeated and pathetic. It was if she was throwing her weight on him emotionally.
“Alright Jordie. I’ll come. I promise. Tomorrow morning. Alright? I’ll be there. It’s gonna be ok honey. Just hang in there…”
Through additional tears and cries, she thanked him over and over again; telling him that her Mom had said she had to stay up at camp because of the cost. He listened, in shock at her condition and still enraged at its cause. He tried to put her nervousness at rest and said the cost wasn’t an issue. Eventually she told him she had to go to bed and quietly clicked off the line.
I’ve gotta find out what bastard told those girls about Jordan. He’s gonna pay! He vowed to himself as he hung up the phone.
—————————————
It was dark and Jordan picked her way back through the pine needle carpeted grounds of camp. She crossed the road of one of the rings and made her way down the path to the Dragonfly cabin. Jordan wasn’t looking forward to facing the yet girls again. They had been increasingly weird around her ever since ‘the revelation’. But she found strength in the knowledge that she would be leaving in the morning.
The previous Sunday afternoon after Amber and Nicole had vandalized her diapers and spread them across the cabin, Kari and the girls’ director had had a talk with the whole group about respecting people with medical issues. Not knowing who had done the deed for sure, they had chided the whole cabin for going along with the kind of cruelty that had taken place and told them that making fun of people’s medical needs is completely out of bounds. Each of the girls had appeared completely penitent (including Amber and Nicole) and they all hugged (or tried to hug) Jordan after it was all over. Little did the counselors know that the rumors were already being spread far and wide.
Kari had had her own private talk with Jordan that evening as well. She had apologized for what had taken place but refused to entertain Jordan’s theory regarding the responsible parties. “Jordan I’m not gonna listen to accusations here. You and I both know that the cabins aren’t locked and neither are the medical cabinets in our quarters. Kids sneak in all the time to try to steal stuff. That’s why we make everyone use the lock boxes for valuables. Obviously someone snuck in for something valuable and they decided to play a little prank.”
“Well how did the know they were mine then?!” Jordan had yelled back defensively.
Kari didn’t have a good answer for that but she responded. “Well how would Amber and Nicole know they were yours if they were the ones that did it? I thought you said that Alex was the only one that knew about your problem anyways? I can’t imagine she’d do such a thing…which makes me think that maybe she told someone about it or maybe someone saw or heard something since you’ve been at camp. Anything could explain it Jordan.”
Jordan’s mind flashed to Alex’s party and the look she had gotten from Amber during the truth or dare game. There’s no way Alex would do that to me…and especially after what Joey did today. It was Amber and Nicole. I know it. “I just know it was them. Ok? I know.”
“Well sorry. We can’t do much in the way of punishment off of your intuition Jordan. You just need to let it go. No one’s gonna bother you about it…and if they do. You need to tell me. Ok?”
Jordan had nodded and thought, yeah sure. I’ll come crying right to you as soon as anyone looks at my crossways. Maybe you can change my diaper and give me a pacifier too…That’ll help!
“I’ll get the locker all resupplied tonight alright? Sorry about this.” She said, trying to give Jordan a hug — which she had resisted.
Once Jordan made it back to her cabin after her phone calls on Wednesday night, everyone was bustling around getting ready for bed and as she walked in the front door, it was as though she hadn’t even entered the room. No one said hello. No one smiled. They just passed by her, talking, laughing, and carrying on.
Geez. I feel like Frankie George here. This is crazy. The thought to herself.
She made her way to she and Alex’s cubby area; still the first one on the left. Alex was nowhere to be found. Happily, the despicable prank bottle of baby powder had disappeared as well.
Almost like a zombie, the tallest girl in camp slowly sauntered down the long hallway, passing each sleeping space. Some contained girls preparing for bed or reading, others were empty — their occupants apparently in the showers or bathroom. From what Jordan was able to tell, not a single girl paid her any attention. As she neared the end of the hall, Jordan reached out and pushed the crash bar on the ajar metal exit door and made her way out onto the concrete landing.
There she found Alex reading a book.
“Hi.” Jordan said quietly, not entirely expecting the discovery.
“Hi.” Said Alex looking up.
An awkward silence hung in the cool summer air.
“I threw that stuff away. Sorry. I dunno who put it there.” Alex said, referring to the baby powder and pointing back toward the cabin.
“Oh…thanks…” she replied feeling awkward and yet grateful at the same time.
Another bout of silence ensued as Jordan continued to stand slightly behind Alex on the steps, leaning up against the metal railing.
“So are you gonna be ok?…like with all this?…” Alex finally again asked empathetically, a somewhat unusual posture for the girl who was always so funloving and adventurous. They had been the best of friends their whole lives but Alex rarely took the time to dig deeply into the darker sides of life, preferring rather to focus on positivity and joy.
Jordan didn’t know how to reply…it really wasn’t ok. It was quite terrible. The past several days had been among the worst of her entire year (which had been both the best and worst of her whole life). “I dunno Alex…I dunno…” she said, sitting down on the top step next to her friend.
“I think you’re really brave Jordan. Probably the bravest person I’ve ever known.”
Jordan couldn’t help but choke up a little, “Re…really?”
“Yeah girl. To go through what you did this year and still accomplish all you did…and at the same time deal with a secret like that? Shoot. That takes bravery lady… And then you were willing to come to camp even though you still had your…problem…I mean, maybe you didn’t know it was as big of risk as it was but…crap…I probably would’ve stayed home. Most girls’ would’ve.” Alex sounded a lot like her mother and she herself felt like her Mom as she talked.
“Yeah?…Then why do I care so much if kids are talking about me? If I’m so brave, why do I care so much if they make fun of me behind my back? Why do I care if I’m the only one?”
“Jordan. None of those things makes you a coward. It just makes you human…. And besides, there’s no way you’re the only one with this issue.” The statement immediately made Jordan think of the website she had been on before going up to camp and the phenomenon of ‘liking’ diapers rather than ‘needing’ them for bedwetting.
She nodded slowly, looking down the stairs into the dark.
“Give yourself a break. This has been like the worst day of your life practically… And besides, the counselors aren’t gonna let everyone just torment you up here; it’s gonna blow over…”
“ALEX!!” Jordan couldn’t help but react to the statement that seemed so outlandishly false. It didn’t matter how nice or supportive Alex was being, Jordan simply wasn’t able to conceive of the possibility in that moment. She snapped.
“NO ONE IS GONNA FORGET!! And even if they somehow magically ignored it this summer — what do you think will happen NEXT YEAR AT SCHOOL?! No one is just gonna act like I’m not the bed-peeing, diaper wearing, baby!” Her voice had become unintentionally loud, easily able to be overheard by those just inside the backdoor of the cabin.
Alex glanced back toward the door, insinuating that the other girls might be listening and then said in a slightly lower but intense voice, “Jordan get ahold of yourself! People might be listening! Besides, it’s really not THAT big of deal!…Jr. High won’t last forever. Maybe we’ll look back on this summer and laugh—”
“WHAT?! LAUGH!? Not that big of deal?” The taller girl was yelling now, standing up to look down on her friend still sitting diminutively with her book. “Maybe it’s not that big of deal to YOU!” She barked.
“That’s not what I mea—”
Jordan interrupted before her friend could finish, “OF COURSE you’d say it’s not that BIG of deal.” She rolled her eyes in a wide arc, “Ever since you found out my…my…issue…you’ve done everything you could to try to sneak a peak of me…”
Alex looked up in disgust and shock, a snort of contempt leaving her nose and lips, her mouth slightly ajar. She began to stand.
“Why’re you all of a sudden so squeamish? You’re the one who wants to see girls wearing diapers!!” Jordan didn’t fully understand that she was really unconsciously transferring her own shame to her friend, but she knew if felt good in a decadent and evil sort of way. Her voice was louder yet and the shock on Alex’s face was real — yet not exactly as Jordan would’ve expected. “Do you wanna wear them too or something? Maybe you were the one to do all this to me! Maybe you were trying to take one for yourself! Maybe you—”
Alex, standing tall pushed her friend and made for the door. “WHAT THE FUCK JORDAN!?! I don’t want to wear one of your diapers! What the hell kind of sick freak do you think I am? Is that what you like to do?! Do you LIKE to wear diapers? Is that who you think I am?…I just wanted to make you feel better about yourself…I was just trying to make you feel more comfortable…”
Embarrassed now of everything that had happened between them at camp, Alex flushed into a cold sweat. She hand’t known what to do with her developing sexuality that felt so divergent from the boy-crazy nature of her girlfriends. Of course she realized it was weird to ‘like’ girls and the very thought scared her but she hadn’t really imagined that her best friend Jordan had been picking up on her unintended semi-platonic insinuations. To realize that those advances had been seen and misinterpreted was beyond mortifying.
She pushed past Jordan into the cabin where Amber and Nicole sat on Cindy and Riley’s bunks near the door, acting as though they were just messing around with makeovers. They looked startled and clearly guilty.
“Oh get off it you pieces of shit! Fucking bitches. Haven’t you caused enough havoc here?!” Alex screamed at them over her shoulder as she stormed through the cabin toward her bed in tears.
————
Jordan remained outside on the concrete steps for a long time that night. She didn’t know what to make of what had transpired. Clearly the kind of confrontation she had made wasn’t the best for getting accurate information, but she couldn’t help but think that her judgment about Alex had to have been wrong.
She genuinely seemed like 100% surprised and totally taken off guard by the idea of wearing diapers because it feels good — or wearing them at all. I mean, it wasn’t like a defensive denial…it was like…shock and disgust. Jordan’s mind turned as she sat in the darkness, assuming the counselor Kari would arrive for some kind of debriefing any second. Wouldn’t she have looked embarrassed or ashamed or guilty or something if she had the same thing as me? I’m not sure I’d be able to hide it if she did that to me…like Amber at the party…I was like, totally wigged out by and I’m sure she saw right through me.
She thought about the car ride and Alex’s weird behavior in the cabin and how she had seemed so interested in seeing Jordan in diapers on those first nights. Over and over again Alex had brought up ‘secrets’ but never really said any of her own; it had been like she was waiting for Jordan to say something but also wanting to say something herself.
What’s going on with her? What’s she hiding if it isn’t what I have? Even though the truth of her friends homosexuality was staring her right in the face, it’s proximity (along with its taboo) kept Jordan from seeing it.
In a short time, Kari made her way out and the two had a long talk. Jordan told her she was going home the next morning and Kari made a long and concerted effort to try to convince her to stay. Jordan insisted that it was what she wanted to do…that she needed to get away from all the meanness and gossip…that it was too hard. Kari had tried to make guarantees and promises about kids’ behavior and the like but Jordan knew they were empty. In the end, they had hugged — but the die was cast.
Before heading to bed, Kari encouraged Jordan to apologize to Alex and to try to make up. She agreed but Alex had been absolutely stone-wall silent when Jordan went in to get ready for bed. It was a total blackout that final night of camp. Jordan wouldn’t speak again with Alex for months.
