Chapter Thirty
The difference in light intensity between the dingy locker room and the afternoon sunlight temporarily blinded Hailey as she stepped outside. After blinking a few times in response to the pain in her eyes, she was able to see again, and was greeted with a vision of her cousin who’d apparently been standing just outside the locker room, waiting for her.
Erin was standing on the concrete just inside where the shadow cast by the building lay, avoiding the discomfort of bare feet on the hotter, unshaded surface. She had apparently gathered both girls’ belongings of her own volition; over her shoulder was the mesh bag laden with the various swimming implements they’d brought, with one towel wrapped around herself and another on her arm.
“I got everything together,” confirmed Erin, handing a towel to Hailey. “Are you ready to go wait out front for your mom?”
Hailey nodded, and they began to walk back to the front desk to pick up their pool passes.
She wouldn’t have expected any less of her cousin, now that she thought about it. Packing up after Hailey, while not exactly time-consuming in this case, was a nice thing to do, and Erin was the kind of girl who’d gladly perform such a favor. In fact, Hailey realized, she’s probably beating herself up inside for not being able to do more for me.
Hailey knew that Erin felt some sort of debt to her, no matter how much she insisted that Erin didn’t owe her anything. Still, even if she’d done nothing to help out her cousin, she still suspected that the girl would be helping out more than her fair share. She was helpful to a fault. It was probably a good thing that she ended up with Hailey; other people might have been much more willing to take advantage of her “other people’s wants are more important than my own” attitude.
They were now standing on the front driveway of the pool; Hailey lacked her watch, and there was no clock visible from where they were standing, but they both knew that they shouldn’t have much longer of a wait. Mrs. Summers was generally very punctual. In fact, it only took a few minutes before a familiar car pulled up beside them. Erin walked around to the door behind her aunt, and Hailey opened the back door on the passenger side, both climbing in and quickly fastening their seat belts.
“Did you girls both have fun?” asked Sue.
“Yes,” they both replied in unison.
Sue smiled at them. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. Oh, and Hailey?”
Hailey looked up. “Yes?”
“Here’s your watch.” Sue handed the timepiece over to her daughter.
Hailey looked down at it as her mother began to pull out of the pool driveway, and she suddenly felt a bit of nervousness in the pit of her stomach as guilt washed over her. For whatever reason, Erin had made it clear that she really didn’t want Hailey to have an “accident” in her swimsuit, even though she was fine with Hailey indulging in her pleasure in any other situation. And yet, she’d now just deliberately done just what she wasn’t supposed to, simply because Erin would have no way of knowing that not all of the wetness on her swimsuit was due to pool water. She’d violated Erin’s trust, even if the girl didn’t know about it yet.
Had it been worth it? At the time, she had certainly enjoyed wetting through her swimsuit; for a brief moment, she’d been able to push her cousin’s disagreements out of her head and the impending accident had become the only thing she could think about. For that period of time that she was performing the deed, she’d been absolutely ecstatic. Why did something simple excite her so much? Why did she let her unusual desire become more important to her than Erin, even for only a moment?
Hailey had no answers for herself, but she knew she had to tell Erin what she’d done. Not here, obviously, as her mother was in the car, but when they were alone together at home, she’d have to speak with her cousin. She wanted to get it over with right now, and ask for Erin’s forgiveness, but with what she’d done, she deserved the guilt-ridden wait.
The noise made by the latching mechanism of the bedroom door, normally quiet by any standards, reverberated through Hailey’s head. She was finally alone with Erin, and she had no reason to wait any longer to apologize.
She was about to speak when Erin took the initiative. “Are you going to shower first, or should I?”
In a hurry to speak herself, Hailey deflected the question as quickly as possible. “You can shower first,” she said, swallowing.
“Thanks,” said Erin, and she turned, dropping her towel on the floor next to the small pile of clothes she’d been wearing before swimming. She turned her back to Hailey, and her hands reached for the shoulders of her swimsuit.
“Oh, and Erin?”
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry.”
Erin paused, her swimsuit already halfway pulled down, and turned her head to look at her cousin. “Sorry for what?”
“Well, um, you know how earlier today you didn’t want me to have one of my accidents when I was in my swimsuit?”
Erin wavered for a moment as a flood of memories rushed over her. Eager to distract herself from her thoughts before they became too powerful, she quickly returned to the task of pulling her swimsuit completely off. The physical activity certainly helped clear her head, and she replied. “Yes, but you didn’t. You waited until after you took the swimsuit off, and I was just fine with that.”
“I know. I don’t know what made you dislike swimsuit accidents so much, but I respect that you don’t like them, which is why I was willing to take off the suit first.”
“So, what’s the problem then?” queried Erin. As long as the conversation retained its momentum, she felt that she could comfortably talk about the issue without letting herself be taken over by her bad memories. She didn’t want to find out how she’d react if the conversation stopped.
“Well, um…” Hailey blushed, apparently suddenly losing the nerve to say whatever she was going to say. Just as quickly, though, she regained it. “You know how I went to go pee just before we left?”
“Yeah…”
“Well, while I was in there, I kind of wet my swimsuit.”
Erin felt a brief feeling of revulsion, but managed to suppress it. She could now see where her cousin was going with this, but she decided to give Hailey the benefit of the doubt. “You mean you couldn’t hold it any longer?”
Hailey swallowed and made eye contact with Erin, who’d wrapped her towel back around her otherwise-naked body and was now facing her. “No… it was on purpose. I sat on the toilet seat, and I intentionally didn’t take my swimsuit off, and I peed in the swimsuit.”
Erin felt her temper flaring up involuntarily. Was she angry at Hailey? “I… see…” she stammered, trying to keep her emotions in check. Hailey knew how much Erin didn’t want her to have an accident in her swimsuit, and she’d gone and done it anyway!
At the same time, she knew she shouldn’t feel angry with her cousin — she really had no right to control when Hailey indulged in her desires, and Hailey had at least had the decency to do so in private, rather than in her presence. Yet, as irrational as she knew it to be, she still felt hurt.
Erin’s face betrayed her anger, much to the dismay of Hailey. “I’m sorry; I don’t know what came over me. I went to the bathroom with the intention of using the toilet normally, and then I just…”
“Just decided my feelings didn’t matter?” interrupted Erin. She had a vague idea at the back of her mind that she wasn’t responding properly to the situation, but her emotions had taken over at this point, and her frustrations hadn’t been released in quite a while.
“No, it’s not that,” said Hailey, trying to recover. “I just felt a very strong need to have an accident, and I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I did it. I realized right after I did it that it was wrong.”
“And you couldn’t take a few seconds to get your swimsuit out of the way?”
“No, I could,” stuttered Hailey, now on the defensive. “It’s just that, for a minute, I didn’t want to get it out of the way. By the time I realized what I was doing, it was too late, I’d already done it!”
“And you figured that since I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t mind that you did that? That somehow it would make it better, even though you knew from earlier that I really didn’t feel right about you having your accident like that?”
“It was a mistake, okay? I shouldn’t have done it, but I did!”
“You knew that I normally don’t mind you having your accidents, but you went and deliberately did it the one way that I didn’t want you to! You could have done it any other way and I wouldn’t have minded!”
“But I don’t even know why you don’t want me to do it that way!” exclaimed Hailey. “You just clammed up about it as soon as I pressed for details!”
“You didn’t need to know the reason; you just needed to know that I didn’t want you to do it! It’s part of my past, and it’s my responsibility to deal with it!”
“But you don’t have to deal with it alone! I can’t help you unless you tell me what the problem is!”
“Maybe I don’t want help!”
The bedroom fell silent, and the two girls stared at each other, mouths agape. Neither of them had expected Erin’s outburst.
Erin’s eyes lowered, and her cheeks burned red. She scooped up her clothes and silently left the bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
Erin shut the bathroom door as quickly as she possibly could without slamming it. She didn’t want Aunt Sue to worry about her, not right now.
Her head was clearer now; she still felt a bit angry, but the anger was gradually changing focus from her cousin to herself. Hailey had done something that she really disliked, true, but just because she didn’t like it didn’t mean Hailey wasn’t allowed to do it.
She undid her towel and allowed it to fall to the bathroom floor, along with her clothes. Even if Hailey really had done something bad, yelling at her for it was stupid. Luckily, her aunt hadn’t noticed the commotion, but what if she had? They’d both been yelling things that Hailey would want her mother to never hear, and Hailey’s secret would have been out.
Water began to flow from the showerhead as she turned the knob at the end of the tub. For whatever reason, her cousin really liked her accidents. Erin didn’t share the feeling, but she knew how important it was to Hailey, and no matter how mad she was at the girl, she couldn’t ruin that for her.
She stepped into the running water and made a slight adjustment to the temperature. Why had Hailey done that, though? This was the one kind of accident she didn’t want Hailey to do, but she’d gone ahead and done it anyway. It just seemed so inconsiderate! She didn’t ask for much from Hailey — in fact, her cousin usually offered all the help herself — but this one time she’d requested a concession and the girl hadn’t followed through on it.
It was just so unlike Hailey to do that to her, though. There was only one explanation that made sense. Hailey had said that she had a temporary lapse of judgment, and that it was a mistake that she later regretted.
Given that, though, it seemed like she was more mad at Hailey for not being infallible than for the actual deed she’d performed. Hailey had been the perfect friend to her, and it really startled her that such a friend could hurt her like this, even accidentally.
But Hailey had a point. To her, there was no difference between having an accident in a swimsuit and having one anywhere else. She hadn’t had to deal with the long afternoons in the kiddie pool or with Mary’s horrific punishments for the transgression of soiling herself. Hailey didn’t even know Erin had gone through that.
She owed Hailey an apology. Her emotions had taken control of her, and she’d probably really hurt her friend with that argument. She still wasn’t happy with what Hailey did, but Hailey had at least had the sense to come forward and apologize about it. It must have taken a lot of guts to come forward and do that, especially since she would have never found out if Hailey had decided to remain silent.
Hailey certainly hadn’t expected Erin’s reaction. She’d certainly done wrong, but the worst she’d expected from Erin was the silent treatment. An outright argument certainly wasn’t on the list of responses she would have thought her cousin capable of. Apparently Erin’s distaste for that particular style of accident ran much deeper than Hailey had thought.
Whatever had hurt Erin in the past had hurt her badly.
She really didn’t know what to do now, though, and that scared her. She’d already tried an apology, and that was what had lead to the argument in the first place. Apologizing further probably wouldn’t help.
On the other hand, the final shock on Erin’s face before she left the room indicated that she hadn’t planned on going that far either. Perhaps she’d be calmer by the time she returned from the shower? Hailey could only hope so.
She really hoped she could work this out with Erin. She had no illusions as to how unusual her desires to use her underpants or a diaper as a toilet were. Yet, somehow, luck had smiled on her and given her a friend who both accepted her oddities and provided her with even more opportunities to explore her desires. Even beyond that, Erin was simply a genuinely nice girl, and could hold an intelligent conversation without sounding like she was talking down to someone. She was more than Hailey could ever ask for in a friend, let alone a roommate and surrogate sister.
And now, she’d made Erin mad at her. If she knew in the pool locker room what she now knew, she would never have let herself have that accident. Would she?
Erin took a deep breath, turned the bedroom doorknob, and walked in.
Hailey’s swimsuit on the floor, and she was sitting on the bed, wrapped in a towel, with her own clothes waiting next to her. She was certainly ready to head straight to the shower; maybe she wouldn’t want to talk?
No, decided Erin, I have to at least say I’m sorry before she leaves.
“Hailey?”
Hailey looked up expectantly, but said nothing.
Erin continued. “I… I’m sorry, I overreacted. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
This was a good sign for Hailey. Erin was apparently willing to at least talk to her, so there was a chance that they could work together to resolve their differences.
“I’ll admit that I didn’t expect you to yell,” ventured Hailey, “but I deserved it. You did make it clear earlier that you didn’t want me to have an accident like that, and I know that I shouldn’t have done that in the locker room.”
“No, I’m sorry that I’m so touchy about that. You’re right, you don’t know what I’ve been through, but you’re just going to have to trust me for now that it’s not something I want to deal with.”
“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? I made a mistake, and I owe it to you to make it right.”
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still mad at you,” admitted Erin. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me as badly as you did, but you still did something you knew I wouldn’t like. You did apologize, though, and I thank you for that.”
Hailey nodded.
“I think it would be best if you gave me a little time alone to think,” Erin said. “I think we’ll be okay with each other, but I just need some time to reflect.”
Given the circumstances, it was about the best Hailey could have hoped for. “I understand. I’ll go take a shower now, and I’ll leave you alone until you tell me you’re ready to talk.”
Erin walked over to her cousin, leaned over, and gave her a very brief hug before stepping back quickly. “Just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I don’t like you,” she said, blushing. “I’ll let you know when I’ve had enough time.”
Hailey once again nodded, and quickly gathered her clothes to go take a shower of her own.