Surrogate26

Chapter Twenty-Six

Erin stared out of the car window next to her. If there was one word to describe the scenes flying past her, it was “dreary.” It was not currently raining, but the oily puddles on the asphalt and muddy grass beyond indicated that it previously had been, and the ominous clouds in the sky notified anyone who cared to look at them that the rain would soon begin again.

The eleven-year-old girl was not particularly interested in the weather, however. Although her companion would assume she was looking outside, Erin’s eyes were actually focused much closer on the barely visible ghost residing in the glass, a ghost that had the nerve to steal her appearance.

The ghost yawned as Erin watched; she realized that she was yawning as well. She’d always heard that yawns were contagious; her reflection yawning at the same time as her probably didn’t count towards proving that theory, but she’d take what she could get. She didn’t turn her head to see if her yawn had influenced any of her flesh-and-blood car companions.

Her expression of tiredness was not entirely unexpected, though. She’d remained awake in bed for several hours after Hailey had helped her clean up the night before. Of course, she’d pretended to be asleep until she was certain Hailey was; she didn’t want Hailey staying up worrying about her, not after all the help she’d already given Erin. But Erin’s mind was simply too engaged to let sleep set in. She’d tried to avoid thinking about her dream, knowing that doing so would only keep her awake longer, but she hadn’t been entirely successful.

Now that she’d managed to put a few hours of sleep between her and the nightmare (and, judging by the pace of the car, a few miles of distance as well), Erin could think a lot more clearly about it.

She was certainly no stranger to her nightmares; although they weren’t happening quite as often as they had been a couple months ago, they still weren’t rare. Nearly all of them involved Mary, and most of them just involved her having some generic fear of the woman and trying to get away from her. A few of them, though, had been very clear memories of a specific incident. These were the kind of nightmares that hurt, and last night’s had been one such dream.

But even for a specific memory, this one had been unusual. She hadn’t completely recognized it at the time, but now that she had the benefit of hindsight, it marked the turning point where she knew for certain her stepmother had begun to become mildly insane.

Mary still basically functioned normally at that point, but she’d begun to give in to bouts of irrational behavior. The accusations against Erin that she had no way of proving were an aspect of that; while they certainly weren’t the only example of Mary’s irrationality, they were the ones that Erin remembered most clearly, as they had the most direct effect on her.

Even that, though, was preferable to what Mary would eventually become. At least then, Erin only had to deal with a few extra punishments she hadn’t earned, which, while not desirable, were tolerable. But as the months went by, Mary became more and more delusional. Even Erin’s father was becoming nervous around her.

Interestingly enough, as Mary got worse, her obsession with cleanliness became even more pronounced. Both Erin and her father were frequently roped into doing meticulous cleaning exercises; Erin received the brunt of this, as her father began to head out from the house as often as he could get away with it. Erin tried to stay outside as much as she could as well, but she lacked the transportation that her father had, and he didn’t often take her with him.

Being around Mary became more dangerous by the day. And yet, her father had done nothing about it.

She was very thankful to finally be rid of her stepmother. Her new family was more than she could have ever asked for, and certainly better than the combination of her stepmother’s malice and father’s apathy. She still wished that she could have come across her new family under much more favorable circumstances, though. Mary’s irrationality had eventually increased to the breaking point, and the loss of her father and stepmother to a murder and suicide respectively was something she should never have had to endure.

Even worse, she’d actually been home at the time it happened. She’d often felt herself wishing that she’d been out of the house at the time, as if not actually seeing her father die would have made the loss hurt any less.

In a way, she was lucky. If Mary had killed her father, who she’d seemed to be on friendly terms with for all but the last few months of their relationship, she probably would have had no qualms with attacking Erin if she’d realized Erin was home.

Erin involuntarily shuddered.

This movement did not escape Hailey, who broke herself away from her conversation and turned to Erin. “Are you okay?”

Be strong, Erin. Don’t let your emotions shut you down, she thought to herself. “I’m okay,” she tentatively proposed to Hailey. “I was just thinking about my dream last night.”

The occupants of the front seats already knew that Erin had woken up to a nightmare, so they registered no more surprise at this statement than their daughter, even though none of them knew specifically what the dream was about.

“Well, I can’t say it’s not a big deal; I know from your reaction that whatever you dreamed about meant a lot to you. All I can tell you is to try not to worry about it; you’re awake now.”

Erin nodded in agreement. Thinking about it is still painful, though.

She still couldn’t believe that she’d been selfish enough to let Hailey help her without argument, however. She should have put up at least a bit more resistance. And yet…

At the time it had just felt like the right thing to do, to give in to her desires just for that one moment in time, and let Hailey make everything better for her. Looking back at it now, as much as she tried to find fault with herself, she couldn’t. Hailey had obviously wanted to help her, and she desperately wanted the help. Why was she trying to make herself feel guilty?

It just felt odd for Erin that something that would benefit her didn’t burden somebody else. Apparently family interaction didn’t have to be a zero-sum game. Is this what it’s supposed to be like? It’s just so different from what I was used to.

The bowling alley that was their destination suddenly appeared in her window, saving her the responsibility of breaking the silence that had fallen upon the car with the mention of her bad dream. The car came to a stop, and she climbed out along with the rest of her adopted family.

“M,” Hailey mumbled under her breath as she searched for the letter on the scoring computer’s keypad. The device was laid out alphabetically, which theoretically should have made the letters easier to find, but Hailey was used to the layout of a computer keyboard. Eventually, she found the key, and discovered that it took quite a bit of effort to push. She continued to type.

“A… R… T… I… N. Enter.”

She looked up at the scoring computer, and proceeded to type in ERIN for her cousin and SUE for her mother.

Martin had just finished putting on his shoes as Hailey finished entering her own name into the computer. “Why don’t you girls go find yourselves some bowling balls?”

Hailey stood up from the seat. “Come on, Erin.” Erin followed her more confident cousin; she hadn’t been bowling in years, and while it was pretty obvious where the balls were kept, it would probably be a good idea to let Hailey help her pick one out.

The pair skipped the closest few ball racks, which seemed to be filled with mostly black balls. “Those ones are probably too heavy,” Hailey explained. “The balls I like are over this way.”

Erin’s gaze followed Hailey’s hand gesture. A few lanes further down, there were a pair of racks with a much more varied assortment of bowling balls. They walked towards the racks, passing the shoe rental counter again, where the man who’d given them their shoes only a few minutes prior recognized them and flashed a friendly smile. Hailey smiled back and Erin gave a subtle nod.

They reached their destination, and Erin cringed as the first ball she touched felt extremely greasy. Hailey grinned.

“Yeah, some of the balls are kind of dirty,” mentioned Hailey. “It looks like whoever was holding that ball last had a lot of French fry grease on their hand.”

“I guess they couldn’t wait until after they were done bowling to get those last few fries in,” proposed Erin. “French fry addiction is a powerful force.”

“There’s no greater power in the universe greater than the attraction to a French fry uneaten. If we could harness this power, we could take over the world!”

“Heh, that would be great,” Erin said, smiling widely. “Hailey and Erin, Empresses of the Guild of the Fried Potato.”

Both girls laughed audibly, drawing the attention of a younger child in a nearby bowling lane. They quickly cut the laughing short, and the child lost interest in them a few seconds later.

Erin was the first to speak, this time in a much quieter voice. “I guess we should pick out some balls, then.”

“Yeah. It’s kind of hard to go bowling if we don’t do that.” She stroked her chin, glancing over the balls, then reached out and tentatively stuck her fingers in one. Seeing that they fit well, she turned to Erin. “Try this one.”

Erin picked up the ball, tentatively lifting it up and down. “I really don’t know. I haven’t been bowling in a long time; I don’t know how heavy it’s supposed to be.”

“When was the last time you were bowling?” asked Hailey.

“I was probably five or six years old at the time,” admitted Erin. “I was too young to bowl properly, I just remember that I used one of the lightest balls and bowled by holding it with both hands, swinging it back between my legs and then forward.”

“So you’ve never properly bowled, then?”

“No.”

“Well, it’s not that hard… although I’m not very good at it,” said Hailey, smiling. “I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it quickly. Here, hand me that ball.”

Erin gave the ball to Hailey, who swung it back and forth in her arm slightly. “This feels fine to me, and you’re pretty similar in size to me, so I’d imagine it’s probably good for you as well.”

Taking the ball back from Hailey, Erin gave a brief smile of thanks. “Which one are you going to pick?”

“Well,” said Hailey, “it would probably be easiest if we both just shared that ball, since it’ll work for both of us. It’s not like we’re going to be bowling at the exact same time.”

Erin nodded in agreement, holding the ball in front of her with both hands. “That makes sense. Are you ready to go back to the lane, then?”

“Sure,” said Hailey, and they began walking back.

Hailey paid more attention to her stride than usual as they returned to their lane. The soles of bowling shoes had always felt unnecessarily thin to her. She was closer to the ground than with normal shoes, but further from the ground than if she was barefoot. It felt like she’d simply strapped a piece of cardboard to the bottom of her sock.

She briefly wondered why the bowling shoes weren’t sturdier and steel-toed. If she had to wear special shoes for the sport anyway, shouldn’t they provide some protection if she somehow managed to drop a bowling ball on her foot?

Well, bowling ball accidents couldn’t really be all that common. She had to admit she’d never seen anyone drop a bowling ball on themselves.

They rejoined Hailey’s parents at their lane, and Erin looked up at the score computer and grinned. “Hailey, did you do that on purpose?”

The score computer currently displayed everybody’s first initial down the left side of the screen; with the order that Hailey had put in the names, it spelled out the word “MESH.”

“Yep,” admitted Hailey. “I wanted to spell a word, and that was the only one I could think of with our names.”

“Ever the scholar, even on summer break,” noted Erin. She glanced down the lane and noticed that the bumpers had been extended, for which she was thankful. She didn’t expect to be good at bowling, but there was no need for her score to be any lower than it had to be.

She paid close attention to her uncle as he bowled his first frame, trying to quickly learn the proper technique for throwing a bowling ball. Apparently he wasn’t that good either; after he’d thrown the ball twice, four pins still remained standing. Still, he was better than she.

Martin smiled at Erin; apparently, he hadn’t failed to notice her attention. “You’re up.”

Erin was still standing and holding the ball with both hands; she carefully placed her fingers in it in the same manner she’d seen Hailey do and looked over at her cousin, waiting for affirmation that she was correct. Upon receiving a nod and a smile, she stepped up to the lane.

Her uncle had approached the lane and swung the ball in one fluid motion, but Erin didn’t feel she was quite ready to try that yet; she’d probably just end up falling over. It’s better to practice one thing at a time, she thought, and stood at the line. She tried to pull the ball back exactly as far as she remembered Uncle Martin had, and swung it forward in what she thought was a similar manner. She frowned as the ball immediately began to travel straight for the left bumper.

The ball ricocheted between the two bumpers a few times, and still ended up taking out a few pins, which at least gave her some consolation. I’m pretty sure hitting the bumpers is bad, but at least I got some pins down.

She turned around, expecting at the best apathy on her family’s faces for her poor performance. Instead, Hailey was smiling widely at her.

“That was pretty good for your first time in so long!” exclaimed Hailey. “You got about half the pins down, and you’ve still got a chance to get the other half.”

“First time in so long?” parroted Sue, before Erin got a chance to reply. “How long has it been?”

Erin gave the response she’d given Hailey earlier. “I think I was six years old, or maybe five. It’s been a long time.”

“I see,” said Sue, and she gave her husband a look that Erin couldn’t quite read. “Well, anyway, take your second turn. Let’s see if you can get the rest down!”

Erin carefully corrected her aim for her next attempt, and her change was rewarded by a roll that was much more parallel to the lane than her previous one. It still hit a bumper, but it only hit it once, much further down the lane, before managing to take out just one more pin. She felt a little better about herself; she still wasn’t good, but at least she was improving, and she supposed that was all she could ask for in this situation.

She sat down next to Hailey as her aunt prepared to take her turn.

“You learn quickly,” said Hailey. “I’m sure you’ll be doing really well by the end of the day today.”

Erin smiled, thankful for the compliment. “Well, I don’t know that I’ll be that good, but I’ll try my best.”

By the end of their first game, Erin’s improvement had been remarkable; her style still wasn’t perfect, but she was avoiding the bumpers more often than not, and had managed to close the gap between her cousin’s score and her own to only a few points. The score still wasn’t remarkable, but it was much better than Erin had expected she’d be able to do, and the exhilaration she felt from her success was intoxicating.

A familiar bass line brought the girls’ attention to a back corner of the bowling alley; a couple was standing in front of a television screen, each holding a microphone, as the opening notes to Summer Nights played over the loudspeakers.

A banner adorned the wall:

She vaguely remembered seeing the banner as she’d entered the bowling alley, but she hadn’t paid much attention to it at the time. A quick glance at her watch informed Hailey that it was indeed the appropriate time, and the couple began singing along to the song.

She looked over at Erin, who was bobbing her head very slightly to the music. Did Erin like karaoke? Hailey certainly wouldn’t have minded going up to sing, but she wasn’t sure that Erin would like such a public performance. Still, Erin seemed to be in a particularly good mood now; certainly much better than she’d been earlier that morning. It couldn’t hurt to ask.

“Erin, would you like to go up and sing?”

Erin instantly stopped bobbing her head and blushed as she realized Hailey was looking at her. She hadn’t honestly even considered going up there; karaoke was something that people other than her did. It did look like it might be fun, though, but…

“I don’t think I’m very good at singing,” Erin admitted. “I don’t know if everyone wants to hear my voice over the speakers.”

Martin gave Erin a goofy smile. “You don’t have to be good at singing to do karaoke,” he said. “Just listen to those two up there; do they sound like they’re very good?”

The couple certainly looked like they were enjoying themselves, but they certainly didn’t have much talent. Even though they were butchering the song, though, it was still entertaining to watch. “No, I guess not,” Erin admitted. “But I’m still not sure.”

If Erin had been steadfastly against performing, Hailey would have dropped the issue. But it didn’t really seem like Erin was completely opposed to the idea; she just didn’t seem confident enough in herself to immediately agree. “I’m sure you’ll do fine, Erin,” Hailey said. “I’d really like to get up there and sing a song with you… would you do it for me?”

Erin was still a little bit nervous, but Hailey’s appeal held a lot of weight with her. Hailey had been very nice to her this morning; in fact, Hailey had treated her well ever since she’d known her. She owed Hailey a lot, and while she sure wasn’t as confident that the audience would think she was as good as Hailey though she would be, she could at least try out one song.

She nodded at her cousin. “I’ll do it.”

Hailey hugged her, and her aunt and uncle smiled. Apparently they were happy that she was deciding to do this, although she wasn’t certain why. Do they really want to see me sing that much?

The older of the two practically skipped over to the area where the microphones were located. Erin followed, apparently much less enthusiastic than her cousin. A scruffy-looking man sitting behind a computer and some audio equipment handed them a stack of paper held together by a pair of staples. “Pick a song for when it’s your turn,” he said. “There are a few people in front of you.”

Hailey began to thumb through the pages, looking for something good. Erin looked at the paper, but she wasn’t really paying attention to it; butterflies were forming in her stomach as she thought about what was to come.

Hailey said I’d do okay, but I don’t know… it’s not like the people here have a choice not to listen to me, when I’m on the speakers like that. What if I’m really bad, and they’re mad that I’m ruining their game with bad music? But I said I’d do it for Hailey… I have to do this for her; I can’t screw it up…

She noticed that Hailey was mumbling under her breath as she read the titles; eventually, she raised an eyebrow and said, “They have that?”

Hailey pointed to the sheet of paper. “Do you think this one will be okay?”

Erin looked where her cousin was pointing, but she was too nervous to focus her eyes and process the tiny text. “Sure. We can do that.”

Hailey detected the touch of fear in Erin’s voice and patted her on the shoulder. “Don’t worry so much. It’ll be fun.”

If only it were that easy to feel better about this, thought Erin.

Hailey pointed out her selection to the scruffy man, who nodded and took the piece of paper back from them. They sat down at a table to wait; Erin began to play with the salt shaker, this time ignoring the greasy feel.

I wonder if Hailey’s really good at singing or something. How else could she be so confident about going up there and making everyone listen to her?

Hailey looked over at her cousin, and saw a girl squeezing the salt shaker so hard that her knuckles were the same color as the salt she was in danger of spilling. “Are you okay?”

Erin startled, but relaxed her grip on the shaker. I have to do this for Hailey. I can’t let her think I’m too worried to do this, or she might tell me I don’t have to, even though she’d be really disappointed. I can do it. It’s just one song.

Mustering all the confidence she could, she tried to reassure Hailey. “I’m fine. It’ll be fun, right?”

“Right.” Hailey smiled, apparently believing her.

The younger of the girls still wasn’t certain, though. Whoever had thought of the phrase “butterflies in the stomach” was wrong, she decided. Butterflies were gentle; it felt more like she had a swarm of hornets inside of her. Having to wait her turn certainly wasn’t helping; all the extra time only served to make her even more nervous.

A song finished, and the man behind the audio equipment pointed at their table. “You’re up,” he said.

Erin stood up and followed Hailey towards the microphones, feeling jittery on her feet. Why had she agreed to this? She was going to sound bad, and everyone there was going to hate her, hate her for deciding to sing to them even though she knew she’d be horrible at it…

She found herself turning away from Hailey and the microphones. She couldn’t do this. Avoiding looking at what she knew would be a disappointed face on Hailey, she began to walk straight for the bathroom, the only place she was likely to have some privacy in the crowded building. Her knees barely bent and her clenched fists swung neatly at her side; it was a very efficient walk, perfectly fulfilling its job of getting her out of sight as quickly as possible while simultaneously drawing little attention to herself.

She opened the door to the ladies’ room perhaps more forcefully than she should have, but was relieved to find that the room was vacant save for her. The only other moving thing in the room was her reflection in the mirror, which was currently waving its arms around in an uncoordinated manner, looking as if it wanted to hit something. Her mirror image’s fists didn’t connect with anything, though; eventually the reflection clamped her hands on the counter and began to breathe heavily.

She’d wanted to sing! Not just for Hailey, but she’d genuinely thought it had looked interesting to do. Why had she lost the nerve to do it?

Erin slowly brought her breathing under control, taking very loud, deep breaths. A few of the breaths elicited a weak cough, but eventually, her breathing sounded somewhat normal, and she was able to focus on the black-haired girl staring back at her in the mirror.

Her ghost stared back at her, face puffy and pink, with watery eyes. She hadn’t quite cried; but she was apparently very close to the point; Erin blinked a few times and watched a single tear roll down the cheek of the girl across from her. The girl sniffle and wipe her nose on the back of her wrist, being careful not to let her arm touch the lenses of her glasses.

“I’m sorry,” Erin told the girl. “I… I’ve been horrible.”

Hailey was stunned as she saw Erin turn away and walk to the bathroom. “Skip our turn,” she said quickly, and walked towards the door Erin had just flung herself through.

Reaching for the handle, she paused, and then retracted her hand, standing outside the door. Erin hadn’t said anything to her; in fact, it seemed like she’d deliberately avoided eye contact. She obviously wanted to have some time alone.

As much as she wanted to go in and console her cousin, she knew she’d have to leave her alone for a little bit. I’ll wait a few minutes, and if she doesn’t come out, then I’ll go see what’s up. She began to pace just outside the bathroom door.

The ghost stared at Erin, choosing not to respond to the apology it had just heard. Instead, it mocked her, imitating her every move. And yet, she couldn’t look away. Somehow, having someone there to talk with made her admission of guilt easier to deal with, even if the other person didn’t really exist.

She continued explaining herself. “I promised Hailey that I’d go sing with her. It sounded like fun! And I’d already been happier than I expected today; of course I wanted to go up there with Hailey! But I just couldn’t do it.”

The girl across from her stared deep into her eyes, but didn’t respond.

“What?” Erin queried. “You know that everyone would have hated me for making them listen to me sing if I turned out to be bad, and I couldn’t guarantee I would be good. It wasn’t worth the chance of them all getting mad at me.”

She still received nothing but a glare in response. Erin dropped her shoulders and sighed. “You’re probably right; most of the people out there probably don’t care one way or the other about me. If I was bad, they’d probably just laugh it off, the same way me and Hailey were doing to the other bad singers, and forget about me. So why can’t I convince myself of that?”

Her reflection tilted its head slightly, took another deep breath, and let it out slowly.

“They really don’t care about me,” Erin continued, “and yet I was so worried about what they thought that I managed to hurt one of the few people who actually does care about me. Hailey’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and I disappointed her for no better reason than avoiding making strangers mad at me.”

She paused for a moment, and her reflection looked like it was deep in thought. “I need to apologize to Hailey,” Erin eventually admitted. “Hopefully she’ll give me another chance.”

Erin nodded to herself, and the girl across from her did the same, tormenting her. That was what she had to do. She’d go find Hailey, and she’d beg for forgiveness. Hailey had been so eager to sing with her, and she’d promised to accompany Hailey, and now she’d broken her promise.

She was about to step back from the sink when the bathroom door opened. A twin of Hailey’s came in and stood next to Erin’s own mirror image just as she felt someone brush up against her own shoulder.

“Are you okay?” asked Hailey, apparently noticing how pink her face was. “You look like you’ve been crying.”

“No, I haven’t been crying,” sniffled Erin. “I just got very close to it.”

Erin watched as Hailey’s twin reached her arm around the other girl, pulling her in for a hug. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made you get up and sing.”

Erin stepped back and looked directly at Hailey. The girls in the mirror could wait. “No,” she said, louder than she’d intended. “I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I lost control of myself, and I let you down.”

“But you didn’t…”

“I did.” Erin was surprised at the force in her own voice; the expression she saw on her cousin’s face gave away that she was shocked as well. “I can do this. I will do this. Hailey, will you give me another chance to sing with you?”

Hailey’s lips moved a little bit before her voice caught up. “Are you sure you’re really up for singing?”

Erin was stung by her cousin’s doubt, but the doubt was completely warranted. She had to give it another try. She felt her confidence growing. “Hailey, I want to do this.”

Hailey pulled her close again. “Of course.”

Erin collapsed into the hug, sniffling softly. “Thank you.”

The karaoke equipment attendant gave them a funny look as they came back, but he accepted their request to be put back in line. “You two already waited, anyway, so you can go after this song is over,” he informed them.

Erin looked at Hailey and smiled. She’d be fine; her cousin was with her.

The last remaining minutes of the current song flew by, and once again, Erin found herself approaching the microphones. She could still feel her stomach churning, but she was in control. Maybe the people in the audience would hate her, but as long as it would make Hailey happier, she could do it.

The opening notes of the song played, and Erin took a deep breath. The two of them simultaneously began to belt out a silly song they’d both heard way too often when they were a bit younger.

“Movin’ to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches. I’m movin’ to the country, I’m gonna eat me a lot of peaches…”

Erin was amazed. Once she’d gotten over the hurdle of starting to sing, the rest of the song just came naturally. Why had she been so worried? The audience didn’t seem to be cringing; apparently her singing wasn’t horrible.

Hailey was also surprised. This particular song didn’t really require vocal talent to sound decent; the lyrics were much more interesting than the music. And yet Erin was performing the heck out of the song. Apparently her claims that she wasn’t great at singing were false modesty; her cousin wasn’t going to win a record deal any time soon, but she certainly sounded better than the majority of people who’d performed at the karaoke, herself included.

“Millions of peaches, peaches for me. Millions of peaches, peaches for free. Look out!”

The girls finished out their song. Hailey gave a dramatic bow and Erin followed suit by pulling out the sides of her T-shirt and giving a small curtsey. In response, they heard a few claps, which soon spread to the rest of the nearby population for a few moments.

Hailey turned to Erin and gave her a thumbs-up gesture. “They loved you.”

Erin was positively glowing from both the audience’s reaction and her cousin’s praise. “I never could have done it without you, Hailey. They loved us.”

Both girls smiled at each other as they returned to their lane.