Chapter 1

Lindsay was frustrated. She had scoured the internet searching for a birthday present for her friend Allan, yet nothing she found was the right gift. He simply wasn’t interested in the latest technologies and trends. They were opposites in that regard, but despite Allan’s old (some might say hipster-esque) sensibilities the two of them always ended up at the same bar with their group of friends on the weekend. With time running out and technology failing her, Lindsay finally decided to check out someplace befitting Allan’s style: an antique store.

 

The business itself seemed to be antique. It was just a half block down the street from her apartment, but barely had a sign advertising its purpose. Lindsay had only just noticed it when she first moved in, its nondescript appearance never catching her attention as she walked past it every day. She had googled it trying to find out when they were open, but couldn’t find so much as a yelp review. So it was with plenty of other, better advertised stores saved on her phone when she set out from her building. Still, with the cold weather deterring any unnecessary travel, she decided to see if the place close by was actually still in business.

Much to her delight, the black door and faded windows of the store greeted her with an “open” sign, placed quietly in a low corner. With cold wind rushing in behind her, a small bell clanged as she stepped off the street. The store was actually a bit bigger than she would have guessed. Rows of shelving held all manner of old knick knacks, china plates, and books. The dim lighting was enough to reveal there were no other customers in house, and from the initial look of things, no employees either.

“Hello?” she called out uncertainly. Suddenly a small old man appeared from behind a shelf. He wore a faded green sweater, his frail and thin looking body looking like it needed every bit of help to keep him warm. He held a steaming cup of tea, the tag from the bag still hanging from the mug. He began stirring his brew as he looked towards the front, a little clanking of the spoon announcing his presence. “Come in out of the cold!” he cheerfully called to Lindsay. His small blue eyes met her own with a friendly and warm shine. White stubble lined his face, which had formed a pleasant smile.

“Hi there,” Lindsay announced as she began to take off her wool gloves. “I’m glad you are open today.” “We’re open most every day! At least to those who bother to look,” he said with a chuckle. “Just browsing, or can I help you find anything today?” Lindsay took a second before explaining her situation. The old man seemed to get a kick out of her description of Allan as an “old soul”. “Tell you what, I’ve got a box of old Vinyl albums in the back room. There might be something in there he would like.” Lindsay almost laughed as she remembered Allan proudly showing off his new purchase of a record player to their group in his apartment.

As the old man walked to the back room, Lindsay started to browse. She didn’t see how anyone could be interested in these old things. There was some fine china, she acknowledged, but most of it wasn’t for her at all. She liked new and useful, not old and nostalgic. Walking through the rows she sent a snap of an antique porcelain cat with the caption “Crazy cat lady starter pack” before moving towards the register counter to wait on the old owner.

She leaned against the counter and started browsing on her phone when out of the corner of her eye she noticed a row of dolls on the shelf behind the counter. She like every little girl had played with dolls growing up, but those had all eventually found their way into the attic. Now that she had something in front of her to compare them to, she couldn’t even recall what hers had looked like. She put down her phone and purse and looked at the shelf. They were strangely intriguing, despite their being not much special about them. To be honest, they looked a little out of place considering they were in good condition, even looking kind of new.

She looked toward the back, wondering where the old man had gone. It seemed those records were hidden pretty far in the back. Lindsay walked around the counter to get a closer look at these dolls. They were all girl dolls, with their features resembling children and babies. One had black hair and a Victorian style dress, its brown eyes staring out in front. The next one wore a diaper and a pink shirt, its blonde hair put into pig tails. The blue eyes were half closed behind realistic eyelashes. Lindsay thought that she would certainly have chosen this one, given that it would have looked the most like herself as a child.

She felt a strong desire suddenly to touch it, to feel its realistic rubber skin. She drew a painted nail towards it, inching closer to feel its cheek. SLAM! Lindsay spun around with a shock. The old man had dumped a box of records onto the counter behind her. She hadn’t even heard him come up from the back. “Oh I’m sorry to frighten you!” The old man say with remorse. “No it’s no problem!” Lindsay said with a laugh. “I was just looking at the…” she started to point behind her but then gave a little shake to her head. “So these are the records?” The old man had a curious little smile on his face as he looked at her.

“Ah, admiring my dolls are you?” With a slight blush Lindsay nodded in the affirmative. The old man walked around the counter to join her. “Yes, my customers always seem to find something…special when they come in here. There’s always something or another that intrigues them.” “No I don’t even know why I was looking at them, I don’t have any nieces…certainly no kids. So are there any 70s rock albums in here, by chance?”

The little old man didn’t look toward the record box, however. He kept his eyes fixed on Lindsay, seeming to study her a bit more. Her long, dirty blond hair pushed out from under her hat, and even under her jacket and clothes her attractive frame was obvious. She was taller than him, not hard to do, but still she was taller than the average girl. She gave a nervous chuckle then broke his eye contact, looking at the floor. The old man shifted towards the shelf. “I’ll bet,” he said as he reached toward the shelf, “that you were most interested in this one.”

Looking back up Lindsay was surprised to see he had picked up the little blonde baby doll. He held it out in front of her, open so that she could see it again. She stared at it, seemingly captivated by its eyes. With a low voice just above a whisper she said, “Yes.” The old man smiled before he offered it to her. “Go on, you can hold it.” Lindsay had no idea why she was so interested in the doll, but she wasn’t thinking about that. She just wanted to feel its skin. To touch the soft quality made diaper. She slowly gripped the doll, taking it for her own.

It felt strangely familiar, triggering deep memories almost, but no one in particular came to mind. Simply put, it was just a comfort. She held it close to her chest, not like one would hold a baby, but like a girl would hold her favorite doll. “Oh yes,” the owner stated softly. “I think that doll suits you well.” Lindsay barely heard him as she allowed a few moments to pass. Then she relaxed her grip before looking back up at him. “The…the um…” Lindsay struggled to remember why she was here. “Records?” the man asked gently. “Yes,” Lindsay said coming to her senses. “Do you have any ro-“ “I think I’ve got a couple of the bands your friend is sure to like.” With that, he pulled a few dusty originals out of the box.

As it turned out, the old man had a few of Allan’s favorites, and the prices on them were surprisingly very cheap! Lindsay officially had no idea how this shop was still in business, but she knew she was getting Allan a great deal. After purchasing them Lindsay put on her gloves and began marching to the door with the records in hand. She was halfway there before she stopped and remembered the doll pressed against her body by the crook of her arm. She turned around, taking the doll and offering it back towards the counter. “I’m so sorry, how mu-“ The old man simply put up his hands to her. “That one is yours. It’s been sitting on that shelf looking for an owner for far too long as it is. I hope it brings you plenty of joy.” Lindsay was a bit embarrassed, but she also couldn’t deny her fascination with the doll. With a bit of a blush and an awkward smile she turned around, the little bell clanging as she exited the shop.

Chapter 2

“Wow you guys, all these gifts were just completely awesome.” Allan’s birthday had been a blast so far. Lindsay and their friends had filled up his apartment, conveniently big enough to fit the dozen or so party goers celebrating his 27th. The plan was to pregame at his house before heading out to their favorite local bar. On display in front of them were the gifts he had just opened, and Lindsay noted with a hint of pride he had taken just a little bit longer admiring her albums than everyone else’s. She knew taking time with it had been worth it.

“Yeah, who knew a hipster like yourself wanted anything other than an obscure craft beer to drink?” Everyone laughed, including Allan, at their friend Trevor’s remark. He had of course given a home brewing kit. Allan gave an exaggerated swig of his IPA from some brewery up state. As they all moved to get fresh drinks, head to the bathroom, or start up a side conversation, Allan wandered over to Lindsey. “Now where in the hell did you find those albums? I’ve been looking on eBay for like a year for one of them.” Lindsay just smiled and told him about the local antique shop near her house. “Funny,” Allan said, “I never noticed that place before. I’ll have to check it out sometime.” “Yeah,” Lindsay responded, “I actually picked up a…something for myself there as well.” Allan looked like he was about to ask what she had picked up, but Lindsay quickly excused herself to use the bathroom.

Closing the door she looked in the mirror. It was way too cold for a dress, but she was looking good tonight if she did say so herself. Maybe that was the buzz talking, maybe it wasn’t. It didn’t go unnoticed by her she was one of the few single people in their friend group. A population of which Allan was also a member, she noted for no particular reason at all. She sat down and put her purse on the edge of the tub. She had brought a large one out with her tonight. It didn’t really fit with going out to a bar, but as she unzipped the top, her hands found why she had made that decision. She felt even better than she already did as she pulled the comforting doll against her body. She absent-mindedly felt its hair as she finished up, regretfully putting it back into the depths of her purse before heading back to the party. She had thought about it sitting at home all day when she had been at work. When she had gotten ready for the party, she couldn’t bear to leave it on her bed alone for another couple of hours.

Back in the den, Trevor announced it was time for one more shot before they took Allan to the bar to “get fucking wasted and laid”. Allan smiled like a good sport, but she noticed his eyes darted towards her own for a second after that was announced. Her eyes looked to the ground then got a little bigger, wondering for just a second before a shot glass of vodka was put in her face to distract her. “Happy birthday!” everyone cheered before taking the shot and heading for the door.

They were all eager to get inside the warm bar as they shuffled in the door. “Who’s the new guy?” Their friend Mary asked, noting the regular bouncer was nowhere to be seen. “He heard we were coming and decided he didn’t want to deal with it,” Bradley sarcastically replied. He waved them through one by one, offering happy birthday to Allan as he passed in just before Lindsay. She started in to the bar behind him when a hand stopped her. “I’m gonna need to see some ID,” the new bouncer asked, and not in a joking manner. Behind her, her friends laughed. Allan had glanced back and had now stopped to see why she wasn’t behind him anymore.

“Are you serious?” Lindsay asked. She hadn’t shown an ID at this place in a long time. Sure she was younger than the rest of the group, but at 24 she was hardly a teenager. “Good on you man, she’s just trying to sneak in with us!” Trevor was bringing up the rear and apparently the jokes as well. “Look it’s my first day and I don’t want to have any incidents. Just show me some ID and you can get out of the cold.” Lindsay was annoyed, but as she swung her purse up front a wave of fear came into her. She had brought that stupid doll with her, and if she opened up her purse her friends would definitely see it as she dug to find her wallet. What would they say if they saw her carrying around a child’s toy?

To make matters worse, Allan had walked back to see what the holdup was, and given the step up required to get in the bar, he would have a straight shot to see everything. “What’s going on?” he asked. “The baby of the group needs to show her ID,” Erin offered up. “Oh yeah, I forgot you were younger,” Allan responded with a laugh. “You guys just go on ahead, I’ll have to find my ID in this thing.” Lindsay said trying desperately to delay. The bouncer now looked suspicious. “No it’s no problem Lindsay, go on ahead.” Her friends behind her were not helping. Seeing no other option, she tried to hide her purse behind her coat as best she could as she began to unzip…

“Frank what the fuck, there’s no reason to keep these people waiting outside. It’s fucking freezing.” Like a knight in shining armor, the regular bouncer came strolling up behind Allan. He waved them all inside. “Sorry it’s his first day, he doesn’t know the familiar faces yet. How ya doin’ kid?” Quickly Lindsay hurried into the bar along with the rest of the group as the head bouncer began to explain to the new guy in his own way that it would be in his best interest to keep the regulars happy.

As they moved into their familiar corner of the bar, Trevor explained what had just happened to the rest. Much to Lindsay’s chagrin, they all seemed to think it was hilarious Lindsay could be mistaken for someone underage. Fortunately the waitress came to their rescue to take drink orders to change the subject. “I’ll have the IPA,” Lindsay let her know. “Could you make sure that comes in a bottle?” Trevor made sure to announce. Once again everyone laughed. “Little Lindsay can’t quite handle a glass.” She shot him a look. She did not like that these jokes about her age seemed to be becoming a meme.

“Ok,” Allan stated trying to bring it to an end, though he himself was still grinning. He changed the subject and the group moved on as drinks arrived and people started to move around. The night was going very well, Lindsay was sure to never let her eye wander too far from her purse though. She was a little paranoid, and after tonight couldn’t afford for everyone to know she was carrying around a doll. They would never let her live it down.

Eventually it began to get pretty late, and everyone was pretty drunk, especially the birthday boy. The guys had been encouraging him all night to hit on some of the random women that had come into the bar, but it seemed there was always another game of darts to play or another shot to take when it came time for that to happen. Lindsay had just gotten a drink and decided to go back over to their safe corner for a moment, just to quickly look at the little secret hiding in her purse before making her way back to the group. She sat down and unzipped her bag.

The doll she had purchased just looked so cute. She had no idea why she was so drawn to this thing, but she couldn’t help it! She looked around to confirm everyone was distracted. She knew it was stupid to take it out of the bag, but she wanted hold it so bad. By her own drunk logic, she would be fine. Using her body to conceal it as much as possible she let herself hold it for a moment. Then another. It felt so good and comforting in her arms. She had gotten her fix now and knew she should put it back, after all, she couldn’t risk anymore age jokes. Yet thinking back on it now, they had been kind of funny. Plus, she was littler than the rest of them, age wise anyway.

A curious thing happened then. She went to take a swig of her beer, yet instead of reaching for the beer, her hand moved towards her face. Instead of sucking down alcohol, she gave herself a few sucks of her thumb. It just seemed the right thing to do. Just as soon as she began however, she remembered she was a 24 year old woman in a bar. Stupid drunk behavior! She removed her thumb from her mouth and put the doll back in her bag. It was time for her to get back to the party…

Just then Allan slid into the booth next to her. With a start she quickly zipped her purse shut. “You scared me!” She told him. Allan looked drunk. He was giving her a look she hadn’t seen before, and thankfully it wasn’t one of confusion. So he hadn’t seen her acting like a child ten seconds before, thank God. “Thanks for coming out tonight.” “Of course, Allan.” He was definitely hammered. But it appeared that had given him a serious boost of confidence. Sure she was in winter clothes, but was it this hot in here earlier?

“I really liked my present,” he continued. “You’re definitely gonna have to tell me where you got them, I’d been looking for that one for like a year.” He wobbled a bit in his seat as he said it. Wow, Lindsay thought, he was definitely more drunk than cute at the moment…though that grin was threatening to tilt the scales back in his favor. “I’m glad, I wanted you to like it,” she said with a strange little smile. Ok, maybe she was the drunk one. Allan’s eyes flashed a little. “You did?” He said, moving ever so slightly closer to her. “Yeah…” Lindsay said, feeling like she needed to take her jacket off despite the fact it was lying next to her purse. Allan started to lean a little towards her as her heart beat quickened.

“SHOTS!” Trevor, Adam, and Bradley came up and violently jerked Allan out of the booth, pounding on the table as they chanted. Lindsay quickly put on a smile as she watched them carry Allan toward the bar. He looked back at her with a long look, but the moment had passed. Erin came up and sat down next to her. “Haha, Allan is so drunk!” she laughed. “Yeah,” Lindsay agreed. “Hey I think it’s about time I headed out. I’m gonna go ahead and get an Uber.”

When she arrived back at her apartment, alone, she threw her purse on the table and got out the special item waiting for her inside. She stood there for a few drunken moments, tightly holding the doll she just couldn’t seem to let go of. Kicking off her shoes and taking off her clothes, she crawled into bed clutching the same doll that had accompanied her every night since she had bought it. In the brief seconds before she passed out, her hand shifted on the pillow. It made its way to barely touch her lips for a moment, then she submerged it fully into her mouth. As she drifted off to sleep she slowly sucked on her finger while clutching her dolly. She hardly looked like the grown adult partying with friends she had been just an hour before, instead looking more and more like the little underage girl the bouncer thought he couldn’t let pass into his bar. And just as many little girls do, Lindsay, relaxed and content, never woke up as she had an accident in her bed.

Chapter 3

A couple of things happened to Lindsay when she woke up. The first was that she immediately wanted to die, to which point she crawled across the bed to get the Gatorade and Excedrin she had placed on the bedside table before going out last night. She was good like that. After she started her battle with her hangover however, instead of collapsing back into her warm sheets like she had planned, she wondered what the hell she had spilled in them. Putting the doll she had never removed from her side last night on the pillow next to her, she then lifted her sheets while praying it hadn’t been wine. Seeing no dark red stains, she started to wonder what the hell that was until the smell hit her. I peed the bed. It took her a few seconds to process. She hadn’t done that in…ever! She couldn’t remember the last time that had happened, and that included a lot of verryyyyy drunken nights in college.

What the hell happened last night? She hadn’t gotten that drunk had she? She worked to remember. They had all had a great time, aside from that stupid bouncer, but outside of that…then she remembered. She could not believe she had actually taken that doll out with her, much less took it out at a bar. Thank GOD no one saw. That’s right, she had put it back in just as…Allan. The memory of their almost kiss came back in a flood of conflicting emotions. Had she really almost kissed him? She unconsciously grabbed her dolly and held it tight. She was embarrassed, mixed with excited, mixed with confused, mixed with…oh God what does HE think about it?

Her eyes darted to her carefully flung on the floor iPhone. She threw off her gross sheets and moved towards it. She winced as the sudden movement rocked her head. But this was too important to not immediately know. Picking up the phone, she blew away the low battery message and checked her notifications. She had a missed call at 3:37 from Erin, 5 snapchats, and…no messages or calls from Allan. Ok, so that meant….what exactly? Maybe snapchat could help her out.

The first was from a college friend living across the country, she could watch that later. One snap from Allan, one from Erin, and two from Trevor. She opened Allan’s first. “I’m gonna fucking. Make. This. Shot. He spoke into the camera, obviously hammered. He held up a dart. As he pulled back to shoot, the video stopped. Guess we’ll never know how that one turned out, she thought, annoyed. At least it wasn’t a dick pic (not that Allan was that type of guy). Or maybe a dick pic would be a good sign. No. No dick pics are a good thing, she told herself.

The next was from Erin. She and Bradley were sitting outside of a pizza place eating a huge slice each. “PIZZZAAAAAAA!!” She yelled into the camera. “We tried to call you to get you one but you didn’t answerrrr!!!! So that’s your loss. That’s. Your. Lo-“ The video cut out as she was being sassy. She would have normally died laughing if she wasn’t on the hunt for such important information.

Now she opened Trevor’s. He and the boys were walking in what looked like Allan’s neighborhood dying laughing. The caption was UBER DRIVER KICKED US OUT HAHAHAHA. “We’re too fucking drunk!” he yelled just as it ended. The next video was clearly in Allan’s apartment. Everyone was either passed out, or about to be as they listened to some clearly 70s jams. They had broken into her records, Lindsay noted with a swelling of pride. The caption was “Goodnight tunes”. Just before the video ended she saw Allan passed out on his couch.

Well, she thought to herself, there’s probably a 90% chance he doesn’t remember last night. But was it just a drunken bout of lust? Did he actually have feelings for her? She and him had never really hung out much just one on one. Always with friends. Nor had they really ever sent vibes like that before. What did last night mean? She decided she had to text him. After a solid 5 minutes of debate she decided on “So I vote we have your birthday more than once a year”. It showed she had a good time…that they all had a good time, yet it could possibly hint at more…would he pick up on her signal?

She summoned the courage to hit send, the little whoop noise finalizing her decision. Delivered appeared below the blue a moment later. Now to wait. She looked at the time as she plugged in her phone. Why was she up so early? It was 8:30 on a Saturday morning, but there was no going back to sleep now. Not while her sheets needed washing. Allan probably wouldn’t wake up for a couple of hours. With a sigh she began the process of cleaning up after herself, still in disbelief she ever wet the bed in the first place. All the while and without thinking, she clutched her baby doll.

Once she had loaded the washing machine, Lindsay decided breakfast was the next item on her agenda. Her headache was subsiding, but she was too hungover to cook anything. She got out a bowl of cereal and poured in some Cheerios. As she went to pour the milk, she just got the urge to eat the cereal dry, opting instead to pour a glass of milk. Taking her breakfast into the den, she turned on the TV. It was Bravo, her favorite. Yet as she put her fingers into the bowl and munched on her cereal, she just couldn’t get into the show. Picking up the remote she found herself skipping over all her usual channels. I wonder what kids watch these days, Lindsay thought to herself. She found a channel with children’s cartoons and began watching. She used to love Saturday morning cartoons!

As she fed herself with her hands, she seemed to pay no attention to just how much saliva was getting on her fingers. To an outside observer her childish behavior and borderline drooling would be shockingly out of place, but Lindsay was too enthralled with the playful talking lion on TV to even notice. When she nearly broke her glass with her slippery fingers, she simply used two hands to carefully drink her milk. She thought about Trevor’s joke to the waitress last night. Maybe she was too little for a glass! She smiled thinking about it, but eating cereal required drooly fingers, of course. She would just have to use two hands to drink the milk. “Isn’t that right, Kristine?” she said aloud to her doll, seated right next to her. The name had just felt right. That would be its name from now on. Baby Kristine.

As she looked at Kristine sitting next to her, she realized that was the only wardrobe she had. It was a lovely diaper and shirt, of course, but she didn’t even have a hat, or a coat for the cold, or a pretty dress! Lindsay put down her breakfast and grabbed her doll. Getting her laptop, she again snuggled into her chair, placing Kristine in her lap so they could both see the screen. “Ok Kristine, this is called online shopping! Us big girls get to do it whenever we want. Or at least after payday.” Kristine quickly found a doll clothes website. “Oh you will look so cute in that outfit Kristine!” She happily clicked and shopped and clicked some more. Then it hit her. “Kristine…we need to wear matching outfits! Then we can really be best friends.” At this Kristine completely redid her search. She found the cutiest clothes that could work for both herself and her dolly. Sure, most of them were a little on the little girl side. Ok, so maybe they were outright babyish, but that’s part of what made dressing up so much fun! You could pretend.

She had just ordered some clothes to be overnighted to her apartment, but it was very apparent that something was missing. Looking at her baby doll, she tried to figure out what it could possibly be. She wanted them to be just alike, and she was adamant about that. “Kristine, I am such a silly head! You are a BABY doll. We can’t possibly dress alike unless we’re both wearing something every baby needs.” She hugged her dolly at this revelation. A quick google brought up diapers of all sizes, but there was no way any of them would fit her.

Her next search was for adult diapers. They just didn’t have the realism that Lindsay would need if she wanted to match Kristine, she concluded with much disappointment. These were for old people seeking to hide. Lindsay would be wearing these at home when she was playing dress up with her dolly, hardly a time where she would need to conceal anything. She was about to get up when a thought just popped into her head. “I wonder…” she said aloud. Typing the words felt a little funny, but adult BABY diapers yielded exactly what she was looking for. She let out a squeal of excitement when she saw them, as they looked just perfect. Big disposable and cloth diapers designed for adults just like her, some even with baby style print on them! She couldn’t believe they existed! An overnight delivery charge was easily worth being able to explore this new fascination.

“Kristine this is so exciting! We will get to play together like never before.” She gave the doll another tight squeeze as she closed her laptop. She reached for her phone only to realize it was still in her bedroom charging. Walking in to get it, she was shocked to find it was almost noon. “Holy shit, I can’t believe I was shopping for two and a half hours.” Strangely she felt embarrassed at saying the words. She looked into the blue eyes of her doll and it felt like she had done something she shouldn’t have in front of a child. “Sorry Kristine, I didn’t mean to use such a bad potty word.” She felt better about herself having apologized before sitting on her mattress. Putting aside her doll for a moment (though not out of arm’s reach) she checked her texts. Allan had responded. What would he say?

“Haha yeah, it was a great time. At least, it was through the first bit at the bar. I blacked out hard for at least half the night. Thanks again for the records. When I woke up just now they were playing them and they sound great as ever.”

Great. He didn’t even remember the little moment they had last night. Why was she hoping he had anyway? It’s not like she had thought about him like that before. And yet…there was definitely a little disappointment there. Maybe they would have another moment, she thought, blushing ever so slightly. She was in no hurry to text back. Instead, she stood up and walked into her bathroom. She hadn’t really dressed for the day and she definitely needed a shower. Ugh, especially after pissing her bed. She really couldn’t believe she had gotten that drunk. She started up the water and waited on it to get hot.

The warm water felt good on her skin as she got nice and clean. She took her time, and the water as decidedly less hot as she turned it off and reached for a towel. As she rubbed it around her legs she held it for a moment and pretended it was a diaper. Tomorrow she would get to wear the real thing! That thought stopped her dead in her tracks. “What am I doing?” she suddenly realized. It was like all of a sudden it dawned on her how absurd her morning had been. “Did I seriously order baby doll clothes and diapers? What the fuck, Lindsay! Were you still drunk or something?” Her mirror didn’t respond. “Ugh maybe I can still cancel and get my money back.”

Throwing on some workout clothes, she got the now clean sheets out of the dryer and headed for the bedroom. With a look of disgust she tossed her doll to the corner of the room and started putting the sheets back on. She was tucking the corners in when a pang of regret flared up right in her chest. She looked over at the doll, face down, one of its pigtails knocked undone. Seeing that made her feel a deep sense of regret, and she immediately stopped to rush over to the corner.

“I’m so sorry Kristine!” Lindsay’s face was a pout she hoped her friend would accept as a demonstration of how sorry she felt. “I weally am! I was a naughty girl.” Her mock baby-talk made her feel like an equal, just to show how truly remorseful she felt for her playmate. “Come on, let me show you how to make up a big girl bed!”

After setting her room finally back to order, Lindsay collapsed on her back into her comforter. Giving Kristine a comfortable resting spot in the crook of her arm (making sure she was face up so that she could read her texts along with Lindsay), Lindsay stared at the message from Allan. “Ok Kristine, what should I text back?” She giggled to herself as she thought about Allan’s cute bout of confidence from the night before. Like two best friends who had played with each other for years, Lindsay plotted her words with Kristine.

Chapter 4

Lindsay giggled at the cartoon on screen, the silly rabbit making jokes she found herself laughing at far more often than most adults would.  To the left of the couch were kicked off shoes and strewn about pants, quickly shed as soon as she had gotten home from work that day.  Just beyond those lie a package that had been eagerly torn open a few days prior, the label obscured but the hole in the wrapping revealing its contents to anyone who would bother to look.  Diapers.  And not of the size meant for infants.  Just one look underneath the blanket wrapping the giggling girl on the couch would prove that.

It had been a funny few days for Lindsay.  Ever since her shipments of clothes, diapers, and a few odd accessories that she had picked up had arrived she had been spending her free time enjoying them.  And the right word to describe it was most definitely enjoy.  She had felt embarrassed, almost nervous when she had laid there on her bed the first time, a diaper in hand and pants around her ankles.  She had bitten her lip as she considered just throwing them all in the trash.  But then she glanced at Kristine sitting up next to her on the bed and found her resolve once more.  She had confidently sprinkled the powder, letting the pleasant aroma intoxicate her for a moment, before she slid the puffy object underneath her waiting butt.  She had let out an excited breath as she tapped it shut, taking a few moments to shift in it, letting the crinkling sound touch her ears and the thick softness relax against her body.

It felt amazing.  It felt right.

Right.  That was how she described it to Kristine as they had played together that evening.  The thickness of it giving her a little waddle.  The odd comfort of a snug garment around her waist and most intimate parts.  The fun feeling of being able to share a connection with the little doll she now carried around her apartment, who did everything from helping her cook (she was good at remembering recipes) to helping her craft texts, it was fun knowing she had a little friend to play with who was now just like her…you know, at least in pretend.

So it was in the midst of this little play date with Kristine that Lindsay received a phone call.  “Hewo,” she said after absent-mindedly answering the call.  She had been far too focused to the TV to check to see who was calling, or to take the pacifier out of her mouth for that matter.  “Haha so is Lindsay there or did she give her phone to a little sister I don’t know about?” Allan’s voice broke through the illusion with a sudden jolt back to reality.  Immediately Lindsay removed the infantile soother from her mouth and muted the TV.

“Hey!  Sorry, I don’t know why I said it like that,” Lindsay said with an increasingly red face and awkward laugh.  She quickly moved on before he could interject.  “So what’s been up with you?  Still enjoying your records?”  “Heyyy funny you should mention that, I’m actually really curious as to what all that place has in stock.  Where is it exactly?  I’ll probably try and swing by there sometime in the next few days.”  “Oh yeah, no problem, it’s actually just down the street from my building.  It’s two stores down from that coffee shop on the corner if you’re walking towards my place.”  “Oh ok, I think I know exactly where you’re talking about!  I’ll definitely check it out sometime soon.”  “Yeah you totally should!”  “I will!”

Then the conversation paused for a second or two, and it seemed like neither of them knew what more to say.  But then Allan hit her with it.

“So after I check it out, do you want to maybe get dinner or something?  I mean, I’ll be right by your place, after all.” Lindsay’s heart gave a little flutter, and she stumbled on her words a little bit as she responded.  For some reason she was blinking her eyes a bunch.  “Yeah!  Yeah for sure, I can totally do dinner.  Yeah that’d be great.”  She stopped herself and cringed at how stupid she had sounded.  But when she heard Allan’s reply, his voice seemed excited and happy.  “Great!  Yeah I’ll definitely hit you up when I’m over there.  You get off work at 5 usually, right?”  “Yeah, yeah on most days.  I’m home by 530 most of the time so just…let me know!”  With a slight chuckle Allan said that he would.  He was good enough not to let any awkwardness linger or build up, and they ended the conversation quickly thereafter.

As soon as she got off the phone she collapsed down into the couch, her doll crushed underneath her chest as she replayed the conversation in her mind.  “Did you hear that Kristine!?  We just totally set up a date!”  Sitting up she started going over what she would need to do to prepare, all the while talking to the doll in her lap as if she was a real-life, living and breathing friend.  One who could chime in with advice and empathy based on their dating experience.

“And all because of going to that great little antiq…” Suddenly Lindsay stopped herself.  She had bought the records at that shop, yes, but she had also purchased the doll she was now talking to that day as well.  Had it really been so recently?  Of course it had.  She hadn’t known Kristine for a long time.  Correction, she hadn’t even NAMED her DOLL Kristine a long time ago.  With this obvious fact moving its way to the forefront of her mind, Lindsay seemed to notice the little baby in front of her looked a great deal less animated and real as it stared out blankly into her apartment.  She felt for the first time since the other day that a fog had cleared and she saw her situation clearly and objectively again.

“What the hell am I doing in a diaper!?”  She looked around the room in disgust.  The pacifier on the coffee table, still glistening with her saliva.  The package of adult sized-diapers.  The childish cartoons on the TV.  What the hell had she been doing this past week?  “Something isn’t right.”  She said it aloud just to make herself hear it.  What had been going on with her? Why did she suddenly start acting this way?

Kristine.  The doll.

She knew it the moment her eyes circled back and landed on the little figure in front of her.  Something about that doll wasn’t right.  It was ridiculous to blame a doll, of course.  She knew that.  But at the same time…maybe something about this doll has awoken something in her that wasn’t healthy.  This wasn’t normal behavior, and she has to stop it right now.  Lindsay glanced at the time then went to put on some clothes.  She was going to return this doll to that store right now.  She wanted nothing more to do with it.

She was so lost in thought leaving her apartment that she was already halfway down the elevator when she realized she was still wearing a diaper.  Suddenly she was self-conscious people might be able to smell the excessive baby powder on her legs.  The fact that she was holding a doll in her hands was already weird enough.  At least her bulky winter attire should hide the fact she was wearing something suited for a baby…it was only a short walk to the shop anyway, and she needed to get rid of this stupid thing now.

She was so focused on getting to the shop that when she arrived she just reached for the handle without stopping, pushing full force at the door.  Only nothing moved.  The door was locked.  Lindsay looked through the glass to find a dark void, the fading light from the street not nearly enough to allow a good look inside.  A simple and old “closed” sign hung in one of the windows.  NO!  Lindsay was furious.  How could they be closed right now!  She began pounding on the door through her gloved hands.  Silence greeted her.

This wasn’t fair.  Something was wrong here.  She again peered inside, hoping to catch a glimpse of the old man so she could get his attention, but darkness met her.  There was no other way in, and she couldn’t leave the doll on his doorstep all night without it getting ruined, she was sure of it.  She was really frustrated now and again pounded on the door, harder this time. “Come.  On.  Be.  Open!”  She shouted at the door, causing a few strange looks from passersby.

Finally she realized there would be nothing for her today.  She would be unable to talk to the old man and give him back this toy that had such a hold over her.  She looked down at the doll in her hands and their eyes met.  Lindsay found a strange sense of powerlessness to this doll.  She couldn’t bear to simply leave it here.  She felt if it wasn’t in the old shopkeeper’s hands then it had to remain in her own.  Then she realized there was a warmth about her in the midst of all this cold…she had wet herself.  With a shock Lindsay realized her diaper was wet.  It must have happened when she was pounding on the door, but she didn’t even notice it until now.  I’m not leaking am I?  She thought with a pang of fear.  No…not for the time being.  With the feeling of a resigned defeat she pulled Kristine back up towards her body and began walking home, the feeling of a cooling diaper beckoning her home with every step.  She glanced back towards the shop one last time, almost invisible in the dying light.  Maybe it would be open tomorrow, she hoped.  Maybe.

Chapter 5

The old bell clanged its chime as he entered the old shop, signaling to whomever it was that ran this place a rare customer had arrived. That was what Allan guessed at any rate, considering how hard a time he had finding it, and he knew where to look! But aged and dimly lit though it was, he was hoping to find a few more hidden gems amongst the record collection. Hopefully Lindsay really had stumbled across somewhere with plenty more to offer.

“Hello?” he called out as he began to take off his coat. The quiet store seemed empty. He began to meander down the aisle when suddenly, the little old man Lindsay had described appeared from behind a shelf. “How can I help you today?” he asked cheerfully. “Hey there. My friend came in a few weeks back and bought some old records. I was hoping to check out your selection,” Allan replied. “Of course! Please, right this way.” With that, the old man turned and began off towards the back of the store.

As they walked towards a back room they passed all manner of odds and ends from the past. None of it really interested tech-savvy Allan, with the exception of the old records. “So, did you enjoy the records?” the old man asked. “Yeah they were fantastic. I couldn’t believe you had those. How did you come about them?” “Oh from here and there, just sort of built up over the years. I got some pretty good deals when people started switching to new technology. But I’d been at this long enough to see some things just circle back around. One of those feelings.”

Allan was very optimistic now, hoping this guy was everything he built himself up to be. He was daring to think of some of the rarer finds when the owner interrupted his thoughts. “Say, if I remember correctly, your friend was getting it for your birthday wasn’t she?” “Yes that’s correct. Just turned 27.” The old man chuckled. “I remember 27, long ago as it was. Are you married?” To that, Allan let out a chuckle. “No sir, can’t say that I see that on the horizon either.” “Aw now!” the old man casually jeered at him. “27 is a prime age for a man to be married and raising a family. Does a man good to take on that responsibility! You can’t stay a bachelor too long, I don’t care what people do nowadays.” A little annoyed by the old man’s classic views, Allan had to force himself to remember this was an elderly man. The world was different back then. “Well old timer, I’m afraid I’ve got you beat there. I don’t plan on having any kids.”

With that the old man stopped and turned around, a frustration to Allan considering they were about to enter the back room. Maybe he was offended by my “old timer” remark, Allan thought as he started to apologize. Before he could say anything however, the old man said, “Now that just can’t be! Raising children brings out the best in good, true men. I’ve been around a long time, and I’m good at reading people. You seem like a good, true man. At least it looks like you could be if you decided to put your mind to it!” Allan was a little conflicted, complimented by the fact he had apparently won this man’s judging contest, but agitated further at his assertion he wasn’t yet a real man in the same sentence. “Tell you what. I’ve got a great record in here for you. If you end up buying any of them, I’ll give it to you for free.” With that he turned and opened up the back room, leading Allan inside.

The back room was very much like the front, only more disorganized. Meandering through the junk, they finally ended up at a table with boxes and boxes of old records. Allan began flipping through one of them, putting what the old man had said out of his mind. Likewise, the owner too was flipping through, searching for his giveaway record. “Wow you weren’t kidding, this is quite a collection,” Allan complimented, the excitement barely contained in his voice. “Yep. Great classic rock and Jazz collection. Ah, here it is.” In a faded casing, the owner pulled out a dusty record. Blowing it off, he handed it over to Allan. “Frank Sinatra?” Allan said. The tone of voice suggested it wasn’t his type of music, but for free he’d take it. “Now that’s a real man’s music. You go ahead and pick out anything else you want, that one’s on the house.”

Eventually Allan decided he had his fill, scooping up a full dozen albums when he realized how cheap they were. This guy clearly didn’t put any of his stuff online, or else he’d move it in a hurry. He had taken so long the owner had wandered off to do whatever it was he did all day in this store. It certainly didn’t appear to be dusting. Records under his arm, Allan decided to quickly scan the back room before heading back up front. He reached the back corner and started to turn around when a faded wooden door caught his eye, a faint light coming from the opening crack. Working his way over to it, he slowly pulled back to see inside.

It was a small room, lit with a dim light bulb hanging overhead. The first thing Allan noticed was a sewing machine against the far wall. It was old, with signs of a long career of use. Then he saw a box of fabric and white stuffing against the wall. To the other side, a small table with a collection of wonderfully crafted dolls, some clothed and ready, others naked and unfinished. Finally, there was a shelf overhead. On it rested an old, old wooden box. The markings were faded and seemed to come in that old 1800s style press, solid black. The apparent label was in German, or maybe Dutch. He couldn’t read it, whatever it was. But it wasn’t that which attracted him. A strange bit of light seemed to come from under the crack in its sliding top, almost a glow. What could possibly make that that would be back here? Allan took a step inside the cramped room and raised his hand towards the box.

“What are you doing back here!?” the old man came out of nowhere behind him. Startled, Allan spun around, his curiosity snapped. “I’m ah sorry,” he stammered before the old man cut him off. “Those aren’t meant for you, and this is a private room!” “Right,” Allan said, moving quickly past the old man. He had barely cleared the way when the owner slammed the door shut. He shot Allan a nasty look before escorting him to the front register.

Allan was overcome with awkwardness at the encounter and placed his records on the counter. The old man seemed to have calmed down as he began to ring him up, however. “Sorry I yelled back there, but I don’t allow customers in my workshop.” “No problem,” Allan said flatly. He just wanted to pay for everything and be on his way. As he put them in a bag, the old man said, “Remember what I said now about being a responsible man. It brings out the best in you!” To that Allan gave a polite smile as he took his purchase and threw on his jacket.

The little bell rang behind him as he stepped through the door and into the snow. He turned to walk back towards the subway when he remembered another thing he wanted to do before he went back home. Pulling out his phone he punched in the contact and held it up to his ear. “Hey,” he said with a smile. “I just checked out that little antique shop. They had a better selection than I ever imagined!…haha yes, well that’s all on you…well listen since I’m right by your place do you mind if I come up? We can get some dinner or something tonight…yeah…great, I’ll see you in a few minutes.” With that Allan turned around to make the short walk to Lindsay’s.

…