Ella sat motionless, too stunned to think of a reply, verbal or otherwise. She didn’t think she had ever been told to “fuck off” before. She wasn’t even entirely sure what “fuck” meant, but knew it wasn’t something you said when meeting someone for the first time. Ella turned and stared straight ahead at the empty desk that sat directly in the middle facing theirs. She could feel hot tears begin to prickle the backs of her eyelids as she fought to restrain them. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

“Eat shit, you little bitch!” Ella heard come from beside her, followed by a noise that resembled the revving of a motorcycle engine.

Ella blinked and tried to clear her vision, but now tears were streaming down her cheeks. What had she done to this girl she had met only five seconds ago?

“Oh great,” a male voice said from across the room. “She’s in this class too!” She could hear the sarcasm dripping from his words. Ella turned around to see who he was talking about, only to realize he was looking directly at her! He was a few years older than her, maybe thirteen or fourteen and much larger by comparison.

Kaylee threw her head back and let out a loud exaggerated, “HA HA HA HA!” before sticking her tongue out.

Ella let out a choked sob before burying her head in her arms on top of the desk. She didn’t understand! She wanted to go back home! This had been a mistake.

“Hey, wake up, sleepy head.” a new voice said. Ella jumped when she felt a hand touch her back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare y- Oh honey, what’s wrong?” a woman asked when she saw her tear streaked face. Ella shook her head and wiped her face with the back of her hand.

“Go home!” Kaylee shouted, making Ella dissolve into fresh tears.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” the woman asked. Ella shook her head. “Did you have an accident?” Ella shook her head harder this time feeling mortified. “No? Did someone say something to you that upset you?” Ella sniffed and nodded her head. “Who? What happened?” After several seconds of gentle coaxing, Ella hesitantly pointed next to her.

“Weiners are for hopscotch and tapioca pudding!” Kaylee yelled.

The woman looked from Ella to Kaylee and back to Ella before a light of understanding flickered in her eyes. “Oh, honey, no. I’m sure whatever Kaylee said had nothing to do with you.” Ella looked at her doubtfully. How would she know? She hadn’t been there! “Right, Kaylee?”

“Huh?” The other girl asked, glancing up from her book.

“Why don’t you share a little about yourself?”

Kaylee grimaced and shook her head back and forth a few times before raising her hand like she had a question. She let out an annoyed sigh as if she’d had to do this a hundred times in the past. Eventually she mumbled something unintelligible that sounded like, “I have turnips.”

Ella looked at her puzzled before looking back to the woman for clarification.

“Kaylee, do you mind if I explain? I think it will make her feel better.” Ella doubted it, but let her go on.

“Your butt smells like spearmint gum!” Kaylee said before looking away embarrassed. “Fine.”

“Do you know what Tourette Syndrome is?” Ella shook her head. “It’s a neurological condition where her brain tells her body to move and speak on its own. We call them her “tics’. Most of what she blurts out doesn’t make much sense since they’re just words at random, but sometimes the words are arranged in a way that sounds like she’s calling people names when really she’s not.”

“I think,” Kaylee said with a pause sounding a little guilty, “I might have said f- off, or something like it earlier.”

“Kaylee!” the woman said, sounding exasperated. “Why didn’t you explain then? Is that what upset you?” She asked, turning back to Ella. Ella slowly nodded her head.

“What? I didn’t mean it!”

“I know you didn’t, but she didn’t know that.”

“Sorry,” Kaylee mumbled before throwing her head back again and barking.

“Sweetie, it’s okay. I think I understand what upset you.” She crouched down in front of Ella and handed her a tissue. “Can I give you a hug?” Ella nodded and accepted the embrace.

The woman then sat down in the chair across from them and introduced herself. “My name is Jasmine, and I’m going to be working with you two. I’m here to help you with anything you might need, whether it’s with classwork or any special assistance with-”

“CHANGE MY DIAPER!” Kaylee shouted, making Ella jump. She glanced over to find the girl with her hands over her mouth, eyes wide and face growing crimson. She could hear the boy from earlier snickering and even Jasmine had a sympathetic smile.

“For some students, yes, if that’s the kind of help they needed.” Jasmine said. She met Ella’s eyes and gave her a wink. Now it was Ella’s turn to blush.

Jasmine pulled a folder out of her bag and looked over it. “Same address, let’s see, anything new that needs addressing…”

“Don’t mind her, she talks to herself a lot.” Kaylee whispered. Ella gave her a weak smile. “Sorry about earlier…” Kaylee mumbled. “I really wasn’t telling you to fuck off.”

“Language!” Jasmine warned without looking up.

“Oh, what’s the point?” Kaylee groaned.

“The point is none of the other kids are allowed to swear. We understand if it’s a tic and you can’t help it, but that doesn’t mean you get to swear like a sailor whenever you want.” Jasmine said. “We talked about this last year, remember. We don’t want another repeat of you and Brian.”

“Ugh, Brian.” Kaylee grumbled. “How’d we end up in the same class again?”

“Because you’re both mid-level and we don’t have enough kids for a second mid level class. He’s on the complete opposite side of the room, he won’t bother you.”

“He’s already complaining I’m here.” she grumbled. Ella felt a little better when she realized the guy hadn’t been looking at her, but at Kaylee. She wondered what had happened between them to make them each mad at the other’s presence.

“Looks the same as last year,” Jasmine said, putting down the file. “Any new issues we need addressing, Kaylee?”

“No.”

“Any behavioral issues we need to talk about?” Jasmine gave her a coy smile while Kaylee sunk a little lower in her seat.

“No.”

“So you won’t cause me any problems this year? No throwing things at the aids you don’t like? No more Tic-O-grams?”

“They were tics!” Kaylee said defensively. “Most of them.” she grumbled quietly under her breath when Jasmine gave her a disbelieving stare.
“So I will not be hearing you call Mrs. Garcia a ‘Fat Heartless Bitch’ and ‘Queen of Ogres’ or whatever unoriginal thing the other kids come up with everytime she walks past you? And I will DEFINITELY not find other students slipping you dollar bills in your desk in return for such phrases ‘accidentally’ slipping out of your mouth?” She asked, throwing up air quotes around “accidentally.”

“No,” Kaylee grumbled, before throwing in a, “I’ll do it for free.”

“Kaylee!”

“I’m kidding!” Kaylee said smiling innocently. A look of sudden pain crossed her face before her neck craned hard to the left and she let out a loud “MRS. GARCIA IS A SLIMY BALL OF POTATO SALAD, DICK SHAPED, POPSICLE STICKS!”

The handful of kids present erupted in a fit of giggles. Ella could even see Mrs. Hernandez up front clamping down on her knuckle in order to stifle a snort of laughter. The only one who didn’t seem amused was a blond lady in the back glaring daggers in their direction. Ella took that to mean she was the infamous Mrs. Garcia.

Ella turned back around in her seat to find Kaylee slumped in her seat staring wide eyed at Jasmine. “That… that really was a tic! I swear!”

Jasmine studied her face for a second before letting out a sigh. “I know. Only your brain could come up with something like that.” she said before smiling.

Jasmine picked up another folder and read it. “Now who do we have here…Isabella Marsh.” she clicked her tongue as she read occasionally muttering to herself. “Wow, you’ve been through a lot these last few years. Ten years old, mostly non-verbal, please encourage speaking when possible.” She scrolled down the page until she saw a small hand written note at the bottom.

Student has severe anxiety. Please encourage and accompany to restroom during breaks. May try to run. Parental Consent form has been signed for cleaning and changes as needed.

“Hello, Isabella, it’s very nice to me-”

“Are you really ten?” Kaylee interrupted. “You look a lot smaller than ten.”

Ella shrugged and nodded her head

“You look like Tony, he’s in first grade.”

“Kaylee,” Jasmine warned.

“Sorry.” she mumbled back before craning her neck and shouting, “Elephants!”

“Would you like a tour, Isabella?” She cocked her head to the side as Ella mouthed something to her. “I’m sorry? Can you repeat that?” She bent her head down lower.

“La.”

“La?”

Ella shook her head. “El.” she paused for a breath. “La.”

“El la?” She nodded her head. “Oh, your name is Ella?” She nodded her head again. “Well alright then, Ella, would you like me to show you around?” After another nod, they stood up. “Kaylee, why don’t you stay here and read? You already know where everything is.”

“Eat shit, Santa!” Kaylee said, before shrugging and picking up her book.

“What did Santa ever do to you?” Brian called back. “Did he not leave you the special helmet under the tree that keeps you from licking windows?”

“Eat shit, Brian!”

“Both of you knock it off!” Mrs. Hernandez said. “Do you want to lose your recess on your first day back?”

“But he-” Kaylee started.

“Or would you rather have detention with Mrs. Garcia? I’m sure she’s missed both of you very much.” That seemed to silence them.

“It was one time.” Kaylee mumbled into her book.

Jasmine guided her around pointing out various things in the room. There were several pairs of noise cancelling headphones sitting on chargers that she could come grab whenever in case she ever got overstimulated. “We try to cater to each student’s unique needs. We have had kids who, when stressed, can’t handle very much external stimulation. Kaylee’s condition isn’t always helpful, not that we have them because of her mind you, but if she does ever get to be too much you can always come grab a pair. We try to avoid meltdowns whenever possible. We also have PlayDough for those who feel they need to be doing something with their hands.”

“After lunch is twenty minutes of quiet time where we turn off all the lights. You can color, draw, rest your head on your desk. Whatever you want as long as you’re being quiet. Over here we have a library where you can pick out something to read. We have books and magazines for all reading levels.”

Ella followed her around examining all the things she was shown. She was especially interested in the headphones. She wished she could take some home for when Danielle and Heather were going at it. Next she was led out a door onto a balcony that overlooked a playground with sand. She loved the feeling of sand running through her fingers. She was already looking forward to recess when she could go play in it.

After Jasmine finished showing her the outside area, they went back inside where she was led to another set of doors. “Here’s the bathroom. You are free to use it whenever you’d like.” Ella instinctively took a few steps back when the door was opened, as if to narrowly avoid the clutches of some unknown monster lurking inside. Jasmine shut the door without a word, and opened the second. Ella cautiously peeked inside and relaxed. It reminded her of the locker room at the gym they went to.

Heather had been thinking of joining a gym, so she had taken Danielle and Ella with her on the tour to see what they had thought of the place. Heather wanted to lose weight, Danielle needed to stay active for soccer and Ella had been told she needed to do light exercises to build her strength back up. So off they had gone to their local Planet Fitness just to check it out. Ella had lost interest a few minutes in as they walked along the rows of treadmills and exercise bikes. She hadn’t been paying attention when the female tour guide began leading them down a hallway. Ella looked up in time to see a fork in the path. To the left hung a sign that said, “Women’s Restroom,” and to the right, “Women’s Locker Room.”

Ella had hung back as Heather and Danielle poked their heads around and checked out the restroom, but had followed them to the right out of curiosity. She had never seen a locker room before. She wandered around the tiled room, in between the benches and looked at all the different stickers and locks on all the different metal cages. She could feel Heather’s eyes on her as they walked into the shower room.

“Yes, individual shower stalls! I was afraid it was going to be a room full of naked people like at the water park.” Danielle said. Heather hadn’t replied, her eyes were still trained on Ella as she peeked behind a door to check it out.

“Ella, does it bother you being in here?” Heather asked. Ella shook her head. It really hadn’t. She didn’t feel that chest crushing anxiety at all. That was all it took for Heather to sign them all up. From then on Heather had taken her every evening. Usually to work out, but sometimes just to have Ella take a shower. Heather had been ecstatic, stumped, but ecstatic. Ella didn’t see what the big deal was. She had liked bathing under the garden hose.

Ella walked in with Jasmine, who closed the door behind her while Ella examined the cabinets and lockers. She noticed one of the lockers had her name on it, so she opened it to find a change of clothes and a few pull ups inside.

“This is the changing room.” Jasmine said. “From time to time we do get kids who need more… personal care than others, and that’s okay.” Ella bit her lip and eyed the bed on the edge of the wall. It was like a bed in the nurse’s office with paper covering the top. “And this room is also…” She turned a knob and a stream of water came crashing onto the tiled floor from a shower head Ella hadn’t noticed. She watched the water flow down the drain in a corner. “The floors are a little slanted, so be careful when walking in here.” Jasmine said while removing the shower head nozzle to show her. “For when wet wipes just can’t do the trick.”

Ella shuffled from foot to foot wishing Jasmine would turn off the water. She hated the sound of running water, it always made her have to pee.

“And here,” Jasmine said after turning off the water and opening another door. “This room and the bathroom are connected.”

Ella looked, but couldn’t hide the fear that darkened her face. She knew her bucket wasn’t here, so she’d have to use the bathroom eventually. Heather had been trying desperately to wean her off of it. Yes, she could use the restroom, but only as a last ditch resort. She still had a habit of holding it until the very last second, and sometimes on bad days she couldn’t work up the courage in time and end up having an accident.

The last week or so Heather had been even more pushy than usual about it. She had been getting Ella up at the crack of dawn and making her sit on the toilet before her brain had enough time to wake up and process what was happening. Ella insisted on leaving the door open a quarter of the way, and made either Heather or Danielle promise to stand guard by the door and protect her from whatever demon seemed to be lurking in the bathroom’s shadows ready to pounce.

The mornings and early afternoons were the easiest, but as the day progressed the monster that lived in the small tiled room seemed to grow more and more powerful. In the evenings, it was all but impossible. The monster, as Ella referred to it as, physically restrained her outside the door and refused to let her in. On most nights, when Heather wanted her to try, her pants were soaked before she even took a step in. After being bitten one too many times, Heather just let her use the bucket after 6pm. Until then, it was locked away in Heather’s room.

Ella called it The Monster, but Heather knew it was just her anxiety. Danielle had taken to calling it her Spicy Dejavu. No matter the name Heather, Danielle, and Rose all agreed on one thing. Something, most likely at night, had happened to Ella in a bathroom on the night of her mother’s death, and that memory was trying to resurface in the form of nightmares. Even the psychologist had failed in getting any information out of Ella as to the contents of her dreams, not through talking, writing, or pictures. Finally, she had suggested that Ella truly didn’t remember, and maybe this was one suppressed memory that needed to stay that way.

“Honey, did you hear what I asked?” Jasmine said. Ella shook her head. “I asked if you wanted to try going potty before class started. You’re awfully ancy. Your file says you sometimes need help, and that’s what I’m here for.”

Ella shook her head out of habit, only to realize she had been dancing in place. Damn it! She did have to go.

“How about you try for me anyway?” Jasmine asked, offering her hand. Ella let out a frustrated moan, but took her hand and let her guide her into the bathroom. “It’s okay, we’re almost there. Just a couple more steps. You can do it.’

Ella gave Jasmine’s hand a death grip as they walked toward the toilet.

“I’ll be right over here when you’re done.” Jasmine said, as she walked toward the other room.

“No!” Ella yelled, for her anyway.

“Okay, don’t worry, I won’t go anywhere.” Jasmine said, sounding surprised. When Ella made no move to undress, Jasmine offered her a hand. “Here, let me help you with your clothes.”

She swiftly pulled everything down to her thighs and Ella sat. And then…nothing happened. She could feel her chest tightening. She tried the breathing and relaxation techniques the psychologist taught her. Still nothing. She was too stressed and it was only getting worse.

“Are you all done?” Jasmine asked after a minute.

“Can’t. Go.”

Jasmine gave a sad frown. “Is your tummy upset?”

Ella shook her head again. “Can’t. Pee.”

“Did you have an accident?” She looked down at the pull up. “Nope, still dry.” Ella tried getting up, but Jasmine put a hand up to stop her. “Give it another minute, if you still can’t go we can always try later. Maybe it was just a false alarm.” Ella was starting to panic. She had reached her limit of being able to be in here.

“Up!” Ella begged.

“Okay, you tried. You did good, Ella. I know you’re sca-”

Ella bolted, barely getting her skirt back up before she burst through the door. She sucked in a lungful of air as she stopped to breathe by her desk. Relief flooded her body as the invisible hands of The Monster stopped squeezing her chest.

“Um…Jasmine.” Kaylee said, staring at Ella.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Jasmine peeked her head around the corner of the bathroom, clipboard in hand as she finished writing a note.

“Got a problem over here.”

“What kind of problem?” Jasmine asked heading over.

“A leaky problem.”

“Oh, Ella!’ Jasmine whispered laying a hand on her shoulder. “You tried.”

Ella choked out a sob. Tears were spilling from her eyes, and urine was streaming down her legs. She couldn’t stop peeing! She hadn’t gotten the pull up on right in her haste to get out. The moment she had stopped running The Monster had pulled the cork. She could feel all eyes on her, including a set belonging to the infamous Mrs. Garcia. Her lips were pulled back in a disgusted snarl as she glared at her.

“That’s so gross!” Brian said.

Ella began to sob for real

“Shh. Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Jasmine whispered. “C’mon, let’s go back to the changing room and we can get you all cleaned up.”

Ella hadn’t remembered walking over, but the next thing she knew she was laying out half naked on the table, vaguely recalling Jasmine rinsing her lower half off with the shower head. She was now patting her legs dry with a towel as she tried to console her.

There was a knock and suddenly the door inched open. “How is she?” Mrs. Hernandez asked.

“Still pretty upset.”

“What happened? I thought her mom said she was in pull-ups.”

“She is, she just didn’t get them up all the way. She sat on the toilet for a bit, but she started panicking and bolted.”

“Her mom says she has some kind of PTSD related issues with bathrooms.”

“Huh, so what do you want to do? Should I give her another pull up?”

“Ella, do you think you’ll try and use the bathroom again today?” Mrs. Hernandez asked. Ella didn’t answer. “I think she’s had enough. Tape her. Give her the headphones and keep her lying down for fifteen minutes and see if she calms down. If she asks for the restroom later, take her, but give her the compression vest.”

“Okay,” Jasmine said before the door closed. Ella could hear cupboards being opened and closed. “I know you’re having a rough morning, but I’m going to try and help you feel better.”

More tears fell from her eyes when she felt her legs get lifted, but she didn’t fight it. This was her punishment. Jasmine was quick and gentle. Her hands moved as if she had done this 100 times before.

“We’re gonna take it nice as easy today, alright?” She had just taped up the sides when the door creaked open again and in walked Kaylee.

“Please give Ella some privacy and go back to your desk.”

“I came to see how my new friend was doing.” Kaylee said, ignoring Jasmine and pulling up the shower chair next to the bed.

“Friend?” Ella asked with a sniffle, not bothering to hide her current state of dress. She had hit her embarrassment limit already. There was no shame left to feel.

“Yeah! Brian got detention for his reaction earlier, and Garcia’s on her hands and knees scrubbing your pee out of the carpet. You’re my hero!”

“Kaylee! Out! Get out! You’re not supposed to be here!” Jasmine snapped. “Ella doesn’t need to hea-” she stopped, before shaking her head. Ella was curled in a ball, not crying, but laughing.
“Fine, you can stay until I get back, but then you’re going back to your desk and starting the Math packet.”

Kaylee watched her leave until she was out of ear shot.

“Remember that thing I yelled about Garcia being slimy potato salad, or whatever that was?” Ella nodded as Kaylee stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out a few dollars. “Snacks from the vending machine on me!” Ella let out a snort of laughter.
“Anyway, don’t feel bad about what happened. If you couldn’t tell, we’re all a little messed up here.” She whispered, before letting out a loud. “FUCK!” Ella smiled. “Not me though, I’m totally normal. You guys are the weird ones. ASK ME ABOUT BREASTFEEDING PUPPIES FOR FUN AND PROFIT!”

“Okay, You and your unhealthy relationship with puppies need to head back to your desk.” Jasmine said, standing in the doorway holding a pair of headphones. Kaylee snickered and stood up, but not before pulling her pants an inch down from the waist and flashing Ella the band of a pull up.

“Tics,” she said with a shrug as if that explained everything. “Hey, remember that kid last year who got mad Garcia took away his Switch so he pooped on the rug?”

“OUT!”

“Legend!” Kaylee said before closing the door behind her.

“I swear that girl!” Jasmine said, shaking her head. “What she means is that we have all sorts of kids with all sorts of problems come through here. You are not the first and certainly won’t be the last to leave your mark on the rug out there. ”

Ella grimaced and made a mental note not to lay on the floor here.

“How are you doing? You look like you’re doing better.” Ella shrugged. “Here, just close your eyes for a bit and listen to this. I’ll be back in a bit to see how you’re doing.” Jasmine slipped the headphones over her ears and pressed play on her phone. Ella closed her eyes as Jasmine flipped off the lights and listened to the nature sounds coming through.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ella sat at the dinner table later that night, absentmindedly chasing a meatball around her plate with a fork. As per usual, she had taken three bites and claimed she was full. This time she was though. She had filled up on candy and applesauce during lunch. Kaylee had gotten her a packet of Peanut Butter M&ms. She wasn’t used to eating that much candy at once and had been on a sugar high all afternoon. They didn’t get much classwork done either, especially when Kaylee had unexpectedly grabbed Ella’s head in her hands and given her a large lick up the side of her face.

The three of them had sat in stunned silence looking from one person to the other before Jasmine finally asked, “Kaylee…was…was that a tic?”
“Yeah.” she said quietly sinking low in her seat before all three of them had burst into laughter. Ella had jokingly pleaded with Jasmine to switch seats with her, but she had vehemently refused.

“No way, girlie, I ain’t sittin in the splash zone.”

“So, Ella, how was your first day of school? Do you like it? ” Heather asked.

It was awful at first, but it got better, she thought.

“Yes.” she said.

“You looked like you were having fun when I picked you up. Who was that you were playing with?”

“Kay. Lee.” She croaked. She took a sip of water and massaged her sore throat.

“You’re a little raspy tonight. Were you using your voice a lot today?”

“Yes.”

“Oh good! I’m glad to hear! It’s good practise! The more you use your vocal cords the sooner your voice will come back. So Is Kaylee your friend?”

“Yes.”

“I’m happy to hear that! You could use some friends!”

“Is yes all you can say?” Charlie asked with a grin.

“Yes.” Ella said back.

“Don’t encourage him, Ella.” Danielle said.

“So what did you learn? Math, Vocabulary?” he asked, poking a meatball with a fork.

“Words.” Ella said.

“Oh yeah? What kinds of new words?” Heather asked.

“Fuck.”