There was the clanging of dropped utensils followed by silence. Ella knew from the look on Heather’s face she was in trouble. Her lips were pulled tight and her eyes narrowed. She looked like she was about to say something, but before she could, Danielle and Charlie had broken the silence with uncontrolled gales of laughter. Her eyes shifted from Ella onto the pair of them and then back to Ella.

“That kind of language isn’t allowed in this house.” she said. Ella sunk in her seat. “I’m giving you a warning this once, but if I- Will you two stop laughing!” She snapped at them. “You’re sending the wrong message.”

“I. Can’t. Breathe.” Danielle managed to choke out through fits of laughter. “I’m sorry, I can’t help it.”

“Sorry, honey, it was just so unexpected.” Charlie said, wiping his mouth with his napkin as he tried to pull himself together. Ella could tell he was still trying to fight back a grin as he looked up at Ella. “You shouldn’t say things like that.” He sounded very unconvincing with his bright red face and teary eyes.

“And-and you said you were glad she wasn’t in public school so she wouldn’t pick up bad habits!” Danielle roared making Charlie lose his composure all over again. “Yes. Yes. Yes. Fu-”

“You are not too old to go over my knee young lady!” Heather said through pursed lips. “Please get yourself under control.”

“Sorry,” she said, raising a glass of water to her lips and taking a drink.

“I hope I’m not too old to go over your knee.” said Charlie. Danielle choked on her water, spilling it down the front of her shirt.

“OUT! Both of you!” She shook her head at them as they left, laughing all the way to the living room.

Once it had gone quiet again, Heather turned her eyes back on Ella. “Did you hear that at school?” Ella nodded. “Words, Ella.”

“Yes.” She croaked out.

“Who? Another student or a teacher?”

“Kay-” she trailed off, unable to get the last syllable out. Heather looked displeased.

“She shouldn’t be using that kind of language.”

Ella pulled her phone out of her pocket and began to text Heather the rest.

“No, Ella, use your words.”

“Can’t say. Too big.”

She can’t control it. She has Tur its.

“What do you mean? What’s Tur its?”

Ella wiggled around and mimicked some of Kaylee’s movements with her neck and arms. Heather looked at her as if she had just spoken Latin. She did it again, but no recognition came to Heather.

Danielle came back in, now composed and headed for the table. “Just wanted my water.”

“Do you know what she’s trying to say?” asked Heather.

Danielle watched her wiggle around before shrugging. “Maybe she’s trying to make it rain.” Heather rolled her eyes and showed her the text message. “Tur its… Tur its… Oh! I think she means Tourette’s!”

Ella pointed to Danielle.

“Ten points for Slytherin!”

“I… don’t think I know what that means.” admitted Heather.

“Yeah you do, It was on that show we watched on TV with the kids who were yelling swear words and moving their heads? You remember Leslie from soccer last year? Her little sister has it.”

“Vaguely. Is that the really tall one?”

“Yeah.”

Heather pursed her lips together. “I don’t know if I want you hanging around her, Ella. She sounds like she might be a bad influence.”

“No!” said Ella, sounding firm.

“You better not hear Leslie talk like that. She’d be so mad ”

“Well Leslie’s not here, this isn’t her sister, and I don’t need Ella picking up any more bad habits.”

“We sit to-to-geth-er.” Ella managed to say while crossing her middle and index fingers. “Par- part-ners.”

“I think I like that even less.”

“Mom, seriously?” said Danielle. “Let her have her friend. It’s only been a day.”

Heather scowled. “That’s my point! It’s only been a day and she’s already parroting what she hears her say.”

“It’s not like she said it as a swear word. She didn’t yell it while stubbing her toe. You asked her what she learned and she told you.”

“Danielle,” Heather said with a sigh, “Take Ella and go pick out a movie. I’ll join you in a minute.”

“Friend!” Ella repeated. “Friend!”

“Go!” Heather insisted. “I’m just going to clear the table.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Once the girls had left, Heather went to her purse and pulled out her cell phone feeling peeved the school had failed to mention what Ella would be exposed to in their care. She was young and impressionable! She scrolled through her contacts until she found Mrs. Hernandez and hit Send.

“Hello, yes, I’m sorry for disturbing you at home, but I was hoping we could talk. This is Heather Graceland, Isabella Marsh’s foster mom-”

“Oh, hi, how are you? I’m assuming you’re calling about the note I sent her home with today.”

“I’m calling about- wait, what note?”

“Oh, I sent it pinned to the bag with her soiled clothes.”

Great, thought Heather as she pinched her eyes shut and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. She didn’t tell me she brought home dirty clothes and now her backpack probably smells like pee.

“She had a bit of an episode this morning and I’m a little concerned.”

“What kind of episode? What happened?”

“Well it started when she had an accident in front of a few kids. She was understandably pretty upset, especially when a few of them laughed and made some inappropriate comments-”

“Was it Kaylee who laughed at her?” said Heather, cutting her off. “She’s actually the reason I called.”

“Kaylee Shepherd? What? No, quite the opposite from what their paraeducator told me. Jasmine said Kaylee sat with Ella while we had her lying in the changing room to rest. I heard she really calmed Ella down. The trouble had come after. Ella had fallen asleep, so we let her nap in there for a bit, and she seemed to have some kind of fit in her sleep.”

“Yeah, we’ve been trying to get to the bottom of that for a while now. My oldest shares a room with her, and says it’s been an ongoing concern in the months since we’ve had her.”

“Okay, so you are aware? Good, okay I just wanted to check and make sure she wasn’t having some kind of seizure.”

“No, nothing like that, we’ve had her checked. The doctor says it’s all psychological. It’s stemming from stress. We’re not entirely positive as to what, but we believe she sustained some kind of trauma in her past.”

“Oh, I see, and does that have anything to do with the toilet anxiety?”

“It’s not the toilet, but the bathroom as a whole, and yes, it does all seem to come together.”

“Is Ella being seen regularly by mental health specialists? If not, we do have resources to get her in touch with certain services.”

“Yes, I can barely keep track of them all! She has psychologists, psychiatrists, case workers, therapists. No one can really seem to get to the bottom of it. I keep pushing her forward so she has a better chance of catching up with other kids her age, but she still seems off from what a nearly 11 year old should be. I mean, I honestly can’t believe they’ve let these problems go on for so long! I never would have allowed Danielle to run around in pull ups at her age just because she was scared. At some point she’s just going to have to grow out of this. The doctors kept saying give it time, and i’ve given her plenty! I think it’s time I give her that final push. No more pull-ups, no more buckets. Sooner or later she’s going to figure out nothing’s going to hurt her. I think she’s ready.”

“I do have a suggestion, if I may?”

Heather narrowed her eyes, clutching the phone a little bit tighter. The silence hung thick in the air before Mrs. Hernandez spoke back up without a reply.

“If what I witnessed today is a result of exposing her to the bathroom; she’s not ready. That reaction wasn’t the result of a typical child being scared or anxious. From what i’ve witnessed first hand, and from what you’ve shared with me from the few times we’ve spoken, this is trauma. There is no quick fix, unfortunately. Making her face her fears when she is not ready may only serve to cause her more harm in the long run. While a typical person or child may get over their fears after being exposed to something that frightens them, a person with trauma may not. Something in Ella’s subconscious is telling her that whenever she goes in the bathroom her very life is in danger. ”

“What am I supposed to do? Keep her in diapers?” said Heather, sounding indignant at the very thought.

“Would that really be so bad?”

“Absolutely not! I will not have my nearly eleven year old with a perfectly functioning bladder and bowels, running around in diapers!”

“It’s only a thought. Limiting her exposure to triggering situations could lead to less flashbacks and improve her quality of life. Symptoms aren’t appearing only in the restroom. Jasmine said even after only spending a single afternoon with her she could tell Ella is very anxious. She jumps at loud and sudden noises, and is hyper vigilant of her surroundings. She spends more time checking her surroundings than doing schoolwork, and any admonishment has her quick to tears. It’s common in children who have a history of abuse or neglect.”

“We don’t know if she’s been abused.” said Heather although she knew very well all signs seemed to point that way. Raising Ella seemed to come with one challenge after another. One week Ella would be scared of Heather’s mere shadow, the next Heather never got a moment to herself with Ella clinging to her like a baby possum.

On her clingy days, Ella would camp out on the couch, in the office, with her sketchbook and drawing supplies, while Heather worked on the laptop. Once Heather got off, Ella would follow her to the living room where they’d put on a movie and cuddle on the couch together. A week or two later, when Ella’s attention meter seemed to have been filled, she’d be off, either doing her own thing, or go with Danielle to soccer practice and play in the jungle gym.

Then the cycle would repeat itself and Ella would be attached at Heather’s hip as if she had never been shown an ounce of love in her life.

The therapist had also said that was a sign of trauma. She was cycling through stages of isolation, mistrusting anyone who got too close, then went looking for a “rescuer.” Heather had been confused at first. Ella had already been “rescued”, but the therapist explained what Ella was searching for was a relationship that made her feel safe. Heather tried her best, but the only one who seemed welcome during all her stages was Ribbit.

“She hates being wet.” Heather went on. “ She’s expressed to me before that she wants to use the toilet and be like normal kids her own age.”

“Well, one reason for that is she wears pull-ups, which are made to make kids feel uncomfortable so they take an interest in potty training. Another reason could be she is expressing interest because she knows that’s what you want.”

“We’ve worked so hard to get her to where she is though! I can’t just throw that away.”

“I’m not asking you too. I’m asking you to sit her down and ask her what she wants. You mentioned something about a bucket?”

“A camping toilet, yeah.”

“Maybe she’s perfectly fine with that arrangement. Maybe you just need to take one step back, not a full leap. We can always put a camping toilet in the changing room for her if need be. Just talk to her.”

“I’ll think about it.” Heather said. She had almost hung up before even discussing what she had called about in the first place. “What I wanted to talk to you about was Kaylee.”

“Oh? What about Kaylee?”

“Ella came home and dropped the F-bomb. She certainly didn’t learn it from us. I really don’t want Ella exposed to that sort of language. I hear she has some kind of thing.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t discuss private information involving the other students. We can certainly impress on Ella that whatever she may hear should not be repeated.”

“I really don’t want her around it at all. She seems like she might be a bad influence. I called to see about separating them.”

There was a long pause, and Heather wondered if her phone dropped the call.

“Is that what Ella wants? They seemed to be getting along well today.”

“No, and she’s not very happy with me, but I feel it-”

“Mrs. Graceland,” Mrs. Hernandez said, interrupting her. “While I can not go into the specifics of Kaylee’s condition, our school promises to be a safe space where kids with all disabilities can come to learn in a place where they feel accepted, understood and are taught with patience and respect. We also make it a point to teach students to accept the differences of others. We do not discriminate against our students. If Ella were to say she feels Kaylee is too much of a distraction to her learning, then I would consider moving their desks, but we will not forcefully keep them apart against their will due to a student having a certain kind of disability. We are happy to teach Ella, as we do all students, not to repeat what is overheard in her company, but as this is out of Kaylee’s control, I do not feel punishing her by taking away her friend is an appropriate course of action, do you?”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Heather stood in the hallway feeling dumbfounded. That was not how she thought the conversation would play out. Instead of the school apologizing and having Ella moved safely away before she picked up on any new lingo, Heather had been the one to swallow her pride and apologize. Mrs. Hernandez had come to the defense of her student, and she had come swinging. Now she wondered if maybe she had jumped to conclusions about Kaylee after being told a second time how she had been there for Ella.

The phone call had also given her a lot to think about. Maybe she had been pushing Ella too hard too fast. What was the point of making Ella sit on the toilet if she was too scared for anything to even come out. Was she really just setting her up for failure?

Heather’s head throbbed just thinking about it. No matter what she did she seemed to make the wrong move. She felt like an armature chess player going up against a computer who would always win. She had gone to all the professionals, she followed the doctors orders to a ‘T’ and yet, here she was back at square one. Did she let Ella slide backwards or did she make her keep moving forward?

She cleared the table while lost in thought. Mrs. Hernandez’s words seemed to sting. “Is that really what Ella wants, or is Ella only saying it because she knows that’s what you want?” She had a sinking suspicion that was the case.

Heather spotted Ella’s backpack in the corner. She picked it up and opened it, relieved to find her soiled clothes sealed tightly in a bag trapping the odor with it. She spotted the note and pried it off.

Ella is showing an unprecedented level of anxiety when faced with using the restroom to the point she is physically unable to urinate. As a result, Ella had an accident on herself and the floor. While we welcome students in need of varying levels of personal care, we strive to limit students exposure to harmful bodily fluids. Due to Ella’s current mental state, we do not feel it is in her best interest to pursue her on file instructions of care without a doctor’s written consent.

Until such time where more suitable arrangements can be made, please send Ella in more appropriate attire. Enclosed are a few garments to hold you over until more can be obtained. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call me.

• Mary Hernandez

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ella sat at her desk feeling confused. Heather had gone through the previous night acting as if nothing had happened. She had expected to be punished. Instead they watched movies until 9:30 pm where Heather sent her off to bed with a kiss to the forehead. This morning had been even more strange. Heather had come to wake her up later than usual. Instead of being dragged off to the bathroom half conscious against her will, she had been told to use her bucket.

Ella had wasted no time in this, eagerly bunching up her nightshirt as she sat on the seat behind her bed.

“Ella,” Danielle groaned from underneath her blankets. “Keep it down, you’re making me have to pee. Some of us have to get up and walk to the other end of the house.”

Like any good sister, Ella’s response had been to position herself in a way that made her stream as loud as possible.

Once she had finished, Heather had told her to lie back down on the bed. Without an explanation, Heather had then put her in a diaper before sending her off to school. Now she sat at her desk wondering what the hell just happened as she religiously swiped her hand behind her back to check if it was poking out.

Kaylee snickered and put her book away. “You’re just making it obvious.” Ella pulled her note book out of her backpack and began writing a response.

I think it’s because I’m in trouble.

Kaylee frowned as she read the note. “No one puts a kid in a diaper because they’re in trouble. Mrs. Hernandez probably told your mom to after what happened yesterday. You were freaking out and I saw Jasmine putting some in your backpack.”

Ella realized that made a lot more sense than what she thought it was for. So I’m not in trouble for… earlier?

“Nah, happens all the time. There’s a rumor that you can’t graduate until you stain the carpet at least once. It’s like tradition or something. You just got it out of the way on your first day.”

Ella considered this before asking, So have you?

Kaylee seemed to lose her composure for a moment. “Don’t trust a fart on Taco Tuesday.”

Ella scrunched up her face in disgust before laughing. “Fuck!” Kaylee blurted out.

I got in trouble for saying that last night.

“Why’d you say that of all things? You don’t even talk much.”

Ella shrugged before writing, Heather kept making me talk. My throat was hurting and it was the easiest thing I could think of to say. Then she made me tell her where I heard it from and now she thinks you’re a bad influence. Ella thought this would make Kaylee laugh, but instead she seemed to deflate and Ella could tell Kaylee seemed hurt.

“Guess you shouldn’t talk to me then.” said Kaylee before giving her the cold shoulder.

Ella tried getting her attention, but Kaylee seemed to be looking everywhere but at her. What had she done? When all her written attempts had failed, she moved on to audible ones. When those had failed as well, Ella slumped down on her desk and rested her head in her arms.

“Good morning, class!” Mrs. Hernandez called out making Ella jump.

Kaylee let out a few barks before slapping herself in the face with one hand and swiping everything off her desk with the other. She let out an annoyed sigh as she watched pencils and paper scatter across the floor. She got up and began hurriedly collecting her things, but just when she grabbed the last elusive pencil, Kaylee would let out a yell and throw them. On the third attempt, while she was crawling under a desk, she had suddenly sprung up and hit her head with a loud thwack.

That seemed to have been her breaking point. She collapsed to the floor, clutching her head as she rocked back and forth. Ella had tried to help her, but Kaylee had moaned at her to stop and turned away from her. Ella stood helplessly by as Jasmine helped Kaylee to her feet and led her onto the table in the changing room to lie down before leaving to get some ice.

Still quietly wondering what she had done wrong, Ella picked up the scattered pencils and paper before sitting back down and setting them in a pile on Kaylee’s side. She could hear her writhing on the table and yelling an assortment of words and curses. She seemed to quiet down when Jasmine returned with ice. Ella had wanted to see if she was ok, but Jasmine had shut the door behind her.

Mrs. Hernandez had gone on with the morning announcements, picking up where she left off as if nothing had happened. When she had finished and excused the class to begin working on their assignments, Ella was forced to open her English packet on her own and start as Jasmine was still preoccupied. When Jasmine had finally emerged, Kaylee hadn’t followed.

“I see you started already, good job.” Jasmine said, taking a seat across from Ella.

Is she okay? Ella mouthed.

“She’s just having a rough morning. She wants to lie down until her head feels better. She’ll be okay.”

I made her mad at me. Ella wrote in her notebook. I said Heather called her a bad influence and now she won’t talk to me.

“So that’s what got her all wound up.” Jasmine said, more to herself. “Sometimes people say and do some not very nice things to Kaylee because of something they don’t understand. She gets punished for things that aren’t her fault and it can be very frustrating for her. Nobody likes feeling unwanted.”

Ella dug through her backpack until she pulled out her sketchbook and flipped to the picture she had been working on this morning. “Friend.” Ella said, showing Jasmine the picture.

“Oh, Ella! Did you draw that?” Jasmine asked looking at the sketch of Kaylee in awe. Ella nodded and reached for her sketchbook, but Jasmine had picked it up and had begun flipping through the pages. “These are, wow! Where did you learn to draw like this?”

Instead of responding Ella made another grab for the book. If Jasmine kept going she would find her other drawings. Ella could see the moment Jasmine had gone too far. The look of awe was gone and in its place grew a worried frown.

She flipped through the back pages silently. Some were of herself, trapped by black vines holding her in place while words she associated with herself surrounded her. Worthless. Burden. Broken. Sick. Disgusting. Slow.

Another page had the words from her repetitive nightmares written over and over again, “Let mommy make it all better.” The final page held her most recent drawing in the back section. A sketch she had stayed up late drawing last night after waking with a fragment of memory previously lost to her. It was a doorway, and in that doorway leaned a blacked out figure. All except the face. With long stringy black hair and a pointed nose, he leaned in with tear filled and blood shot eyes. A face she hadn’t recalled being in her nightmare until last night. Her old soccer coach.

“Ella, who is this?” Jasmine asked, turning the page around.

Ella mumbled something that Jasmine had barely caught.

“The monster.”