Howard opened his eyes to see Anita grinning at him while he sucked on the bottle. He got up and stood unsteadily in her presence as much out of fear as out of respect. The thick diaper between his legs made it difficult to stand up straight. The padding bunched up between his legs and forced them farther apart than he was used to; as a result, he had to use the unsteady bowlegged stance of a diapered infant. He swayed uncertainly on his feet and had to grasp the railing of the playpen with one hand to stay upright while his other hand still held the bottle. The attendant left the room for a few minutes, giving Anita the chance to lean over the railing of the playpen and whisper in Howard’s ear as she began deep massaging his lower tummy just above his diaper, “Well, I think you’ve managed to convince them that you’re a very immature three-year-old. All in all, Mommy is very pleased with your little performance here today. The supervisor was so impressed with how young you acted that she told Mommy that she feels sorry for you because you’ve lost your real mommy. She thinks you need to be allowed to regress back to babyhood when you’re here so you can get over the absence of your mommy. She also recommended that you be treated the same way at home too and Mommy agreed with her.”
Anita stopped and paused dramatically for her last statement and continued, “You were very naughty! So for the next two weeks, they’re going to keep you with the babies here in the nursery rather than let you set a bad example for the other toddlers at the Daycare Center.”
Howard frowned around the nipple but continued to suck as Anita said, “It won’t be so bad, Honeybunch! Mommy promises you’ll get used to diapers in a few days.”
She glanced around the room and said in a gentle scolding tone, “Mommy heard about the fight you gave them when they tried to diaper you. It appears that you lost the battle in more ways than one.”
She chuckled and grinned, “It looks like it will take some getting used to so you can stand without falling while wearing dydees! Don’t worry, Sweetiepie, after a couple of days, you’ll be waddling around here easily in your dydees like all the other infants. Do you like drinking from a ba-ba, Honeybunch? Maybe Mommy should get you some bottles so you can nurse at home too! Mommy doesn’t think you’ll have a problem with getting the attendants to care for you just like you were one of the babies. You look soooo cute in your dydees with your ba-ba in your mouth! You look like you fit right in with the other babies here, Sweetie!”
Anita kissed his cheek and said, “You make an adorable infant, Sweetiepie!”
She stopped massaging him when she felt a tiny contraction from his lower bowel underneath her fingertips. Anita smiled warmly at him and put her hand on the back of his diaper to pat his bottom lightly as if comforting him. As expected, the deep abdominal massage had stimulated his bowels into evacuating themselves again. This time however, his bladder had responded as well. Howard could feel the front of his diaper become warm as he soaked it with pee. She patted his diapered bottom a little harder, pushing on the pile of warm poop that he had expelled against his behind. Howard’s expression changed to one of surprised dismay when he realized the horrible thing he had done in Anita’s presence. Anita said sweetly, “Weren’t you aware of the fact that you had pooped in your dydee? Oh dear, Mommy can see by your face that you just realized it! Poor baby! Didn’t you know that most babies your age poop while standing? Poor Howie, Mommy can see that you didn’t intend to make a poopy! You need to sit down if you don’t want to mess in your dydees!”
Anita put her hand behind his knees and forced them to bend. As his legs folded, Howard collapsed in slow motion to the pad of the playpen. His bottom hit first, spreading the soft mess in the back of his diaper over his bottom. Howard wanted to cry. Not only had his incontinence provoked the daycare workers to put him in diapers, but he had proved they were right by promptly filling them with poop! They would never let him go back to training pants now! He kicked his legs petulantly and felt himself pee again.
“Oh dear, just look at the time!”, Anita said in mock concern, “Mommy’s break is almost over! Mommy has to go back to work, Sweetheart, she just wanted to see if you were okay. Mommy will be sure to tell your attendant that you have a poopy dydee so she can change you as soon as possible. Mommy will be back in a little while to take you home. Mommy has some shopping to do and is going to leave work early today. Now behave yourself and let the attendant change you without a fuss. If you don’t let them change your dirty dydee, you’re going to have a terrible case of dydee rash. Now wave bye-bye for Mommy! That’s a good baby! Mommy will see you later!”
Howard sat in the warm ooze of his diaper, weeping tears of failure and abandonment as Anita left to return to her office. Presently his attendant returned and lifted him from the playpen. She carried him to the changing station and laid him on his back, then pulled off the tabs on the disposable he was wearing. Howard gazed helplessly up into the attendant’s face as she undiapered him. As she lifted the front of his diaper gingerly and brought it down between his legs to expose the mess in the rear of his diaper, he averted his eyes towards the ceiling in embarrassment. She took one look at the brown mess that had spread over his bottom and shook her head, saying, “Ooooh, you’re one stinky little boy!”
Howard closed his eyes in shame at her comment as a fresh flow of tears began leaking from the corners of his eyes. “Don’t cry, Sugar! We’ll get you cleaned up and in a fresh diaper in a few minutes. Then you’ll be our sweet baby again,” said the attendant as she took his ankles in one hand, raised his legs and used the back of the diaper to scrape the muck from his behind.
Once most of the mess had been removed, she slid the diaper out and laid it to one side. Then she took one of the baby wipes from the tub at the station and finished cleansing him with the towelette. Howard was mortified by the procedure. He felt as if his ego had been shattered into millions of infinitesimal shards by the experience; he was beyond regrowth and rebuilding. A fey thought crossed his mind as he felt his legs lifted again and his bottom lowered onto the surface of the clean diaper, “How did the rhyme he had learned so long ago go? ÖAll the King’s horses and all the King’s men, couldn’t put Howard together againÖ”
Howard giggled insanely at his unvoiced joke as the attendant pulled the diaper up between his legs and began taping the loose ends of the diaper together. Howard knew at that moment that whatever happened in the future, he would never be the man he had been before. Something important had broken inside. He would never be able to dictate to a woman again. They were the strong ones who would make the decisions and tell him what to do. Howard would be content to lie passively and accept whatever they desired for him.
The attendant smiled at his gay giggle, it was obvious that her charge was adapting to life at the Daycare Center. She picked up his limp body and carried the unresisting tot to an unoccupied crib for his “official” afternoon nap. After having raised the side of the crib, she went to Howard’s playpen and retrieved his plushy duckie, blankie and his pacifier. She returned to his crib and tucked the toy in his arms and put the pacifier in his grateful mouth. Howard cuddled the soft velveteen of his duckie to his chest to comfort his bruised ego and sucked unconsciously on the pacifier’s nipple while the attendant tucked the blankie around his diminished body. He lay in the crib with huge unblinking eyes for a few minutes before the lids became to heavy to keep open and he drifted off into a deep dreamless slumber.
When Howard awoke, the nursery hadn’t changed. The nursery smells of poop, stale pee and the perfume of freshly opened packages of disposable diapers mixed together to form an aroma that was well-known to every mother and daycare worker. For the infants in the nursery with Howard, the bouquet of nursery odors merely smelled like home. Howard thought that the smell was vaguely familiar. He wasn’t able to pick out the individual odors from the mix, but the sweet-sour combination of fragrances triggered long forgotten memories of a time of utter contentment that lay buried in the deepmost recesses of his unconscious. His pacifier was still in his mouth and his duckie was still clutched in his arms. He had kicked off his blankie in his sleep to lay in a tangle at his feet. Howard yawned hugely, allowing the pacifier to fall from his mouth and dangle from its ribbon. He moved his legs to stretch them luxuriantly, making the plastic on his diaper crinkle in response. “What’s that noise?”, Howard thought, “Oh, yeah,Ö.It must be my diapers. I wonder if I wet them again while I was sleeping?”
Howard put his hand down and tried to put it in his diaper. He couldn’t, the diaper had been fastened too snuggly against his waist. He took his hand and pushed against the outside of his diaper to force the lining against his skin. If it was wet, the close contact with his skin would be more than sufficient to allow him perceive any pee trapped within its confines. When Howard held the diaper tightly against his crotch, he could feel a slight dampness beneath the clothlike paper liner that separated his skin from the absorbent padding of the diaper. He had dribbled while he slept, but not truly wet the diaper. Howard wasn’t sure if that was an improvement over his previous behavior or not. Was his bladder so uncontrolled that he would only dribble continuously? Or was it an indication of a little leakage from an almost full bladder? He didn’t feel like he needed to go. Howard lay back on the mattress and closed his eyes again. It was good to lay there and let the mattress cradle his body. They would tell him when it was time to move and carry him there when it was time to go. It wasn’t as if he had someplace of his own to go or some job he had contracted to do. His responsibility for his life had ended the moment he had entered the nursery. All that was required of him was acquiescent compliance with his attendant’s wishes. He wouldn’t have been able to oppose them even if he had had the desire to confront his caretakers. Howard’s battered will had receded into a hidden cave of his mind to cower in the darkness until the time was right to reemerge. Until then, he could only passively observe and wait, obeying the women who had become the mistresses of his fate.
Howard lay shut his eyes and relaxed in the crib, drifting in and out of sleep. While he lay in repose, his hand wormed its way up to his face and inserted its thumb between his lips. Occasionally, he would suck on his thumb as he dreamed, then his mouth would become flaccid again as he descended back into a deep infantine slumber.