After ten minutes, she switched his limp body over to her other breast and let him drain it too. Anita thought Bri-Bri’s winsome expression of infantine gluttony was endearing. He made charming little animal noises as he fed; he whimpered in ecstatic delectation amid the slurping sucking sounds he made as he chewed toothlessly on her nipple. She delighted in the sight of his chubby little fingers kneading every last drop of her milk from her breast. When he slowed his feeding, she gently burped him and carried him back into the nursery as he slipped into a glutted peaceful slumber. She would return in a few hours for his next feeding. “I’ve won,” she thought as she smiled victoriously over her former husband’s infant body, “Bri-Bri will never be able to look at another woman’s breasts wantonly again.” Anita’s breasts were no longer merely sexual objects to satisfy his chauvinistic carnal desires. Howard had discovered that a woman’s teats were the ultimate source of comfort, food and life itself. His mommy’s bosom had become the center of his universe. She laid him tenderly in an empty crib and nodded to one of the disguised researchers. She stopped and smiled at the dulcet expression on Howard’s face as she left to take up her new job as Vice-President of Research. “Poor little Bri-Bri,” she thought, shaking her head as she walked down the hall to her office, “He only wanted three things in life and he got everything he wished for: He won’t have to seduce some poor secretary so he can get a little tiddy while he’s at work. Everyone will love him now, smells and all. He’ll be able to suck on a woman’s tiddy whenever he wants without worrying about being caught in another woman’s brasserie. He’s safe from the police too! The police would never think of accusing a little baby of pollution. He can even go on making his precious stinks and no one will say a word. Everyone expects a baby to make smellies. Only now his messes are going to be confined to his diapers where they belong!” She smiled to herself as she thought, “I don’t have to worry about leaving him alone with other women. I’m the only woman who matters in his life. When I come back he’ll be waiting for me with open arms.”
As she opened the door to her office, Anita chuckled to herself as she considered the bitter irony of Howard’s chauvinistic statements, “Poor Howard, he always said that the only time a man had to listen to a woman’s orders is when he was an babe in diapers. He couldn’t stand the idea of letting a woman making decisions for him. He can’t deny that he’s only a diaper-wetting infant so I guess he’ll have to listen to me now! It’s too bad that he’s lost the ability to understand adult speech. I wanted to tell him how naughty he was for running around on me like that. I guess I’ll have to confine my scolding to ‘No, no! Not for baby!’ and ‘Naughty baby!’ from now on.”
She mused to herself as she walked to her desk, “In a year, I’ll be able to retire from this job to stay home and look after Howard full-time. Once he gets used to being a baby, he’ll be okay. I’ll see that he won’t have to give up his beloved pants. Howard will still be the only one wearing the pants in the family! Skirts and aprons have always been good enough for me. I don’t need pants to prop up a false sense of masculine importance. Of course Howard will have to content himself wearing the only pants that are appropriate for him now; plastic baby pants!”
She sat down before the computer on her desk and typed in the password to the file containing the acceptance speech for her promotion that she had begun a month before. It only needed some small revisions to be ready for delivery it to the assembled executives at the company. Anita scanned down the lines of the speech and chuckled as she re-read the quote from Marshall McLuhan at American Booksellers Association luncheon held in Washington, D.C in June of 1969. She recalled that she had been informed of Howard’s infidelity by her private investigator immediately after she had made the addition to the file; “‘Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” Anita remembered that she had thought about it for only a few minutes when Fran came in and made her request for another test subject. The quote and Fran’s request had caused her to immediately change her plans for her divorce and consider a better, more satisfying requital for her philandering husband’s unfaithfulness. Anita’s strategy for justice had worked perfectly. She smiled as she typed, thinking of how complete her revenge had been. Even if he wanted to he couldn’t run around on her. He could barely creep on all fours! He would never whisper sweet nothings in his mistress’s ears again. If he wanted to flirt with a woman now, he’d have to gurgle and coo his endearments in hope that she’d ignore his soggy diapers and cradle him in her arms. Howard the philanderer was gone forever, only the little baby he left behind remained. When Howard awoke from his nap, he thought about her revenge too. For as long as he was able…
Announcement Delivered By the President of the Company at the Director’s Meeting on August 5, 2011
