My legs wobbled slightly as I followed the therapist down the hospital hallway and into her office. Even though a month had passed after the incident, standing for any length of time quickly tired me out, and walking was so much worse. To be fair, I had been offered a wheelchair, but I had turned it down. It wasn’t as if I was too embarrassed or prideful to use the wheelchair, but the thought of being constrained… well, that just wasn’t going to happen. Not now. Not again. Not ever.
My therapist, Miss Amanda, said the room was private. I wasn’t inclined to believe her. There was one of those one-way windows installed on the wall. She said it was only used for other clients, like if there was a parent or guardian that needed to be involved. I don’t have any of those, well, at least not anymore.
Though tiny, the room wasn’t so small that it felt constraining. The room was muted, with only few splashes of color. A light-brown leather couch with a couple of bright, plush pillows sat along the wall opposite the fake window. The far wall had a large, flat-screen TV inside of a wood cabinet.
“Annabelle, you can take a seat over there,” Amanda said, motioning to the couch with her hand.
The therapist took a seat herself in a swivel chair that was next to the far end of the couch. The binder Amanda was carrying remained closed. I wondered what it said about me in it. To be more accurate, I worried about what it said about me.
In the first few days after the incident I had talked a lot. Maybe I’d said more than I should have. Probably. But I had thought for once that I would have been believed. I’m still not sure if they do, or, if this therapy session is some sort of test or trick to discover what actually took place. I’m sure the transcripts of those initial interviews are in her binder. There’s no way they would have let Amanda begin her first day as my therapist without providing her with that information. I tried to remember everything I had told them. It’s not as if I hadn’t been truthful, but I wasn’t certain yet that I wanted to reveal any more than I already had.
I fidgeted on the couch, but that was more due to my nerves being uncomfortable, not my bottom. It would, however, be inaccurate to describe the couch itself as comfortable, even if I didn’t happen to be uncomfortable sitting on it. There are few benefits to being incontinent but having what is essentially a portable pillow for your butt is one of them. So, while the cushioning in the couch may have been lacking, the padding in the diaper I had taped on beneath my dress more than made up for it.
Amanda opened the binder and began to peruse it silently without saying anything. I didn’t get it. Was this some kind of trick into getting me to talk? All I knew about therapists was from what I’d seen on TV, which is to say, I didn’t know much. Well fine. Staying silent was my modus operandi so why should I give a shit?
A few minutes passed before Amanda looked up from the binder to talk to me.
“Do you understand why we are having this conversation?” Amanda asked.
Because some judge is worried that I might be a danger to society. That isn’t what I said to Amanda though. I just shrugged nonchalantly.
“Let’s start by talking about how you’re feeling right now.”
Talk about my feelings? Since when has anyone given two fucks, let alone a single one, about my feelings?
“I… um… I… I don’t know.”
