I rang Sandra tonight and she commiserated with me about Jason’s infertility and complimented me on how well I had handled the conversation with Jason. She rightly pointed out that although a good start had been made we needed to take full advantage of what she felt would be a ‘honeymoon’ period which may only last a few weeks. Then like all little boys he was bound to push the boundaries especially as the implications of what he was losing sunk in, and he tried to assert again some adult authority in the home. In the end for his sake and mine those attempts need to be not just defeated but crushed in such a manner that he never has the confidence to go there again. The rest of the phone conversation was spent discussing how we would extract maximum benefit from Sandra’s stay with us. It’s just three days away now.
Since our visit to the clinic Jason has been acting a lot more insecure and when he is like that he gets clingy. I have not been in the mood to provide the comfort he wants and that has made him even more anxious, to the point he is under my feet all the time trying to please me. I know he feels desperate for a cuddle and a kind word. Finally tonight in bed I relented and took him in my arms and gave him a cuddle. He just broke down and sobbed, great heaving sobs, telling me he was sorry he couldn’t give me a baby saying that he was terrified I would leave him. I put him to my breast to calm him down and when he was settled, I told him to stop nursing and that I wanted to talk to him. I told him that if our relationship was to survive it had to change, that I needed a more honest relationship with him. I told him that it was harder and harder for me to see him as a real man. How could I when he’s far more interested in nursing at my breast than making love like a man? And that when he does make love he can’t even ejaculate without me patting him on the back like I was burping a baby. “Tell me why that is I demanded”, but he just shook his head and mumbled that he didn’t know. I said to him “See you can’t even be honest with me. Let me tell you why that works for you. It’s because even though your body is making love to your wife in your imagination you are a little boy being cared for by me as your Mummy. What are you imagining Jason, me changing your nappy or nursing you? It must be something like that because when I hold you like a little baby and pat your back like one you get so excited you ejaculate. That’s not making love like a man! It’s a sham Jason and now I find that your semen is useless anyway, again the appearance is there but the reality is that functionally your still a little boy, and Jason, I have given up thinking you will ever be anything else or even expecting that some day you might just grow up. I can adjust to that Jason, I really can, but what really upsets me, is for reasons better known to yourself you then change in to this egotistical macho male, which quite frankly looks more and more ridiculous the longer I live with you. I cannot, and Jason, I will not live like it any longer.”
It’s not often Jason has seen me so assertive, I could see he was afraid, but I didn’t care.
Finally after a long silence he said in a whisper “But I don’t know what to do any more”
I said, “That’s the first deeply honest thing you have said all evening so lets start from there shall we?” Jason nodded.
“Tell me another honest thing Jason, because this is choosing time for you. What do you want most? Do you want me to be your Mummy or your wife, because I am not prepared to be both any more.
Jason looked desperate ” I can’t stop being a little boy I have tried, you know that” “So what does that mean Jason, that you want me as your Mummy more than a wife?
Jason nodded shame faced.
