My optimism of last week has evaporated a little. What if I’m too successful? What if Jason regresses to such an extent that he cannot function properly at work? Perhaps I am worrying unnecessarily but I will need to make sure that his little boy mindset is restricted to our relationship and does not seep over to his relationships outside the home. At present, even in our relationship Jason sees himself as a man who just sometimes likes to pretend that he is a two year old boy with me as his Mummy. Will he be able to cope when he surrenders that position and sees himself PRIMARILY as a little boy, with me as his full time Mummy and he just pretends that he is a man, when at work or in social situations with others. This will be a fundamental shift in his perception. Will he still be able to cope in the big world as an adult? Its something I will have to watch out for, I just hope that both he and I have the skill to deal with it.
The other thing that is worrying me is that we both want children, admittedly me more than Jason. The further I get a along the road to transforming Jason into my permanent little boy the more inappropriate certain activitys will become. The loss of the these acts does not worry me too much. To be quite honest Jason is not exactly wonderful in that department, a combination I think of the small size and his inadequate technique. These times with Jason has always been only mildly exciting at best and in recent times just painful. It became painful when Jason began to have difficulties achieving deligh, the more he tried the more sore I got and the less confident he became which made him just act more in a frenzy of effort. About eighteen months ago during one of those so called love making sessions I intuitively started to pat him on his back with one hand as if I was burping a baby while positioning my other hand on the back of his head as you would support a new born infant. The response from Jason was almost immediate and ever since I have been able to bring up Jasons little milkies to squirting point using what I have come to think of as the baby burping method and if that doesn’t say something about his subconscious need to be treated like a baby I don’t know what does!
It is however the result of this act I want. I want a child, not just an adult baby like Jason will be. I want a birthed child of my own. I am confident I can look after them both and I know Jason would enjoy some milk coming from those parts he so loves to nurse from. Perhaps we might get lucky in the next few months but we have been trying for five years without success.
17th May
My growing sense of loneliness crystallized for me tonight and I knew I needed to have a friend I could share this journey with. My diary though helpful is no longer enough. This is a big decision as up until this point I have told nobody about Jason being an adult baby. In the end I rang Sandra my dearest and closest friend. I know Jason would be terrified if he knew, but I think it’s for the best and its not something a little boy needs to know about.
Sandra now lives at the other end of the country but we keep in touch at least twice a week by phone and emails. I first met Sandra when we were both doing our training as preschool teachers at the university. She was a few years older than the rest of the class, and she intrigued me. She had already completed a liberal arts degree and then spent the next six years traveling the world working in a wide variety of jobs, before coming home and deciding to do her training as a pre- schoolteacher. I was immediately attracted to her, she was witty, with a faintly cynical approach to life which while I couldn’t match I greatly admired. While I would sit in lectures never dreaming to challenge what the lecturer said she was not afraid to do so and would often interrupt to question a point or bring a feminist view point to the topic. Although courteous she was ruthless if she thought a man was treating a woman in a mysodginistic way. Everyone knew that the little children in her class would get the best of feminist education. Jason and Sandra have meet on a number of occasions, the first was when I invited Jason to a class social event. We were not engaged at the time but our relationship was serious. Sandra and Jason got on well enough until Jason made the mistake of using vulgar language, which Sandra immediately challenged. It was a rocky start but subsequent meetings together have gone well partly because Jason is very careful around her and partly I suspect because Sandra has gone out of her way to be nice to him for my sake.
Sandra’s response to my phone call was superb. She listened as I poured out my heart and tried to explain the nature of infantilism and how it affected Jason and our relationship. She asked good questions, gave no advice but promised to get back to me once she had read the web sites on infantilism that I gave her.
18th May
Another phone conversation with Sandra. She found the web sites on infantilism fascinating. Seemed to be pleased in a satisfied kind of way that so many men wanted to be treated like babies. Made me laugh with some of her comments about sissy babies. It felt good to have a laugh. Somehow it brought a lightness to the situation with Jason that I had not experienced before. Her easy acceptance of Jason as an adult baby pleased me. I had been concerned that it might make her contemptuous of Jason as she can be very critical of men, on the other hand she has a wonderful kindness and warmth toward little children and it was that I was banking on as well as her support of me. She asked me questions about Jason’s childhood and I promised to email her a short history.