I am writing this diary because I have came to a decision about my relationship with Jason, [my husband] which will be far reaching. I make this decision without being sure of the outcome. What I do know is that by the time I have finished transforming our relationship it will be very different from what it is now. I certainly anticipate that this ‘journey’ will contain many twists and turns and thus the diary. If nothing else it will give me a place to record and reflect on our journey. A place where I can be honest about myself, about Jason, and about our relationship. My diary will be my objective stranger that I can confide in and tell my story to. I currently have no one else I feel I can share these things with. I know this will be important as I suspect that things will get very intense from time to time.
I have been married to Jason for six years now. I’m sitting here thinking how I would describe him to a stranger. He is good looking. He’s compact, but with a frame too slight to be described as muscular. Five foot seven in height well proportioned with classical blond hair and blue eyes. My girlfriends describe him as cute. Jason is a good provider and quite simply he loves me with all his heart, which of course is the most endearing quality about him! But this love for me alternates between the love of a nappy wearing little boy that seeksreassurance at my breast and that of an adult male wanting to sexually claim his wife.
I had half known this before we married, but as all lovers do I overestimated the power of my love to change him. For his part he was confident that in the security of our relationship he would at last be able to leave behind his infant longings. It hasn’t happened. He has tried of course. At times he has thrown out all his nappies, plastic panties, and his num num, keeping just his beloved Teddy and some favorite toddlers picture books. Within a few months such has been his feelings of emotional deprivation that he has at considerable cost bought them all again. It is an emotional roller coaster ride for us both.
The absolutely frustrating thing for me is that I never know where I am with him, wife or Mummy. He can change from one day to the next. In fact within a day he will want to be my little boy, calling me Mummy, wearing his nappy, coming to be changed, wanting cuddles, and later he will reject my mothering role and demand to be treated like the head of the house. More than that, he often takes on this loud over confident macho attitude to compensate for his babyness. Just sitting here writing about it I can feel the anger within me. If he could only see how ridiculous his macho stuff is. I suspect he thinks I should be impressed, well I’ve certainly got over that. And another thing when we go to bed I have no idea whether it will be with a man who will claim me as his wife or a little boy who wants me as his Mummy. It’s the uncertainty of it all that is so hard. Emotionally I don’t know where I am with him and it has to change.
The thing is it’s not as though we haven’t tried to put in boundaries. We have experimented with little boy free days, little boy free bed times and so on, but sooner or later I find that he has sneaked teddy into the bed or I find his numnum under his pillow or I discover he is wearing nappies when it’s meant to be a little boy free day. He tearfully asks my forgiveness and the more cross I am with him the more rejected he feels and the more he wants a mummy’s comfort. Even when he manages to keep to the boundaries we agreed on I’m aware of a mute little boy longing for a maternal word of comfort from me. It’s because I know the emotional abuse he suffered at the hands of his biological mother I end up reaching out to him and giving him what he emotionally needs, which he then responds to with puppy like gratitude.