In the end I can see only two solutions. I leave him, and I have at times given serious thought to that or I take charge and insist that wherever he is with me he will be my two- year old. No more switching to being a grown up when he feels like he wants to assert his authority. If he can’t stop being a little boy and wanting me to be his Mummy then it will be better all round if I insist that his relationship with me is permanently that of a little boy. It is this later solution that I have decided on in order to get the consistency and predictability I need in our relationship. The fact is I really love him. He is kind, intelligent, a good provider, and in his own way he is loving and cherishing me with all his heart. Its just that his heart love for me is primarily that of a little boy for his Mummy and I no longer believe he has the capacity to change that.
Implementing this will be a challenge, but if I succeed I will have saved our relationship and given us both a measure of peace and security.I anticipate the initial response from Jason will be one of delight. The crunch will come when he realizes that his authority and status as husband has gone, that he has traded the freedom and power of being a man for the security and comfort of being loved as a baby.
It will mean getting him to a point were he willingly surrenders to me and is maintained in that place of submission by a little boy mind- set which I will help mold. Jason must come to see an adult relationship with me as a distant land permanently out of reach and in the end but a vague memory. To achieve this he will not only need to see that this is the only way our relationship can be saved but given his emotional needs entirely appropriate for him, and given his inability to consistently relate to me as an adult in any intimate way, entirely just. The truth I have come to admit to myself is that I get more enjoyment from his little boy loving than I do from his fumbling attempts as an adult.
I feel encouraged that after months of indecision I have a direction to work on.
Sandras arrival and Jasons first meeting of her since his demotion to a toddler is worth giving a detailed account of.
The airport Sandra flew into is one and a half hours drive away and so early on Saturday morning we set of in the car to pick her up. I dressed Jason in his disposable nappies underneath his work trouser pants and a nice casual shirt for the trip, but packed his cloth nappies and plastics panties to change him into for the trip home.
I suggested to him that because Aunty Sandra would be sitting in the front seat on the way home and he would be in the back by himself he might like to take teddy for company. I was amused to see that before he climbed into the car he put teddy in the back seat and covered him with the car rug, presumably so Sandra wouldn’t see his teddy. I made no comment about this but took note that Jason was still feeling shy and his little cry the other evening after his first day at work in a nappy made me realized that he was still anxious and I needed to be sensitive to that. So I went back into the house and got a spare disposable nappy in case I needed to change him before we got into the airport terminal. I was learning that anxious little boys equals more wet nappies!