I open my eyes. It is dimly lit here. There are soft noises in the distance that are pleasant.
I hear the soft quiet sounds of rain and distant gentle thunder. I hear music. It is so soft and soothing. I sit up and have intense memories of a dream I was having … realization dawns, it wasnt a dream. I am Amy … I used to be John Though. I shake my head to clear it.
This is my bedroom … I am comforted in knowing I am home. I grab my Teddy Bear … wait … this is a young girl’s bedroom, not mine. There are conflicting memories again. I am two people at the same time again. I am able to handle this confusion now. I know who I am and the other is nonsense. We both have to go to the bathroom. I feel safe, I am in my own bedroom with my teddy bear in my arms. I look around. So familiar … so strange and new.
I start to get out of bed. I realize everything is wrong and totally right at the same time.
I am dressed in a baby doll night gown with rumba panties. My name is Amy Michelle Anton! They call me by my middle name, shortened to Miki. I am an Imperial Pet. More confusion as multiple memories flood my mind as I stand up. It is getting easier to repel the other.
A sudden, overpowering, very real memory of a very painful explosion accompanied by searing heat.
I stumble and fall into someones arms. I look up and its my mommy ¦ wait … this extremely beautiful woman is a total stranger at the same time. I know I can trust her, I remember her trying so hard to comfort me. I allow the fear to pass. I accept the conflicting memories, and then ignore him. He has no memories here. Noting to hold him here. He goes away.
She says, Miki, are you all right? Its so nice to have you back.She gives me a very tender kiss and a loving hug.
All I can say is, What? My mind is clearing.
Mom looks at me tenderly, then says, There was a serious accident on your trip with your Father, baby. Paul was killed, and the dream machine malfunctioned. You were seriously injured. We have you back now, and I won’t allow anything to hurt you.
I understand what she is saying. I have a memory of the trip, I feel sorrow at Paul’s death. He was always good to me and fun. I know what the dream machine is, I remember knowing it was damaged in a way no one could have ever possibly have conceived, knowing there is no way out, knowing I was going to die, the horrible pain of my consciousness being shredded, and the total icy cold blackness of oblivion.
I start to cry. Mom holds me closely and whispers how much she loves me. She wipes the tears softly from my eyes. I hug her neck and tell her how much I love her too, she starts to cry. She rocks me lovingly. We cry softly in each others arms.
I couldn’t help it; I was so emotional at this point I wet my panties. I am very upset about it. One side of me is disgusted I did this … another side of me is innocently shy about it … Mom soothes me and tells me its all right for a little girl to have accidents. Some confusion but I attempt not to think about it. This is what little girls do sometimes is my reply to him. He is almost gone.
She took me to the potty. She took off my panties, and I sat on the potty and relieved myself. Mom put my wet panties in a hamper and asked if I wanted to be diapered.
A blank confusion, all I could say was, What? A real thrill runs through me.
Some very mixed emotions filled the blank suddenly. The eighteen year old girl side of me very much wanted to be baby and all it meant. She really enjoyed being baby. The other side was a fifty one year old grown man saying this was impossible and was extremely disgusted at the thought of wearing baby clothes and diapers.
