Dad placed his hand on my shoulder. I raised my eyes to his and gulped. “Maybe that’s what makes it so compelling?” he said. One big word in a tangled question tied my brain in a knot. I knew he meant well but didn’t quite know what he meant. I gulped and smiled. Dad raised his tinnies, smiled, turned and left. He staggered slightly. I pulled one last strip of meat from the carcass, then another and returned to the sitting room.
Everyone except for my two youngest cousins were glued to the TV on which the final of a long running talent show was beginning. Hannah budged up on the sofa and made a space for me. She’s still my least favourite person but it is Christmas and I don’t want to cause a scene so I squeeze myself in beside her. She cast me a guilty smile. I force one back. The fact that she went out of her way to humiliate me on Christmas day isn’t the only reason that I’m finding her presence discomforting. It’s the the idea of her asking me if I’ve tried my new undies on yet, if I’m wearing them again, if I prefer tights or stockings. It’s either that or Why haven’t I worn them yet? Maybe if I was actually wearing them, I wouldn’t be thinking about them all the time?
Thankfully the climactic finale captured my attention. It was hard to avoid it with my Mum, Dad, aunt, sister and cousin all chatting excitedly about the various acts. My uncle had long since fallen asleep in the arm chair. My aunt says it’s best to leave him unless he snores, at which point we’re free to prod him. When he does finally wake, he finds himself covered in various bits of ribbon and bows sourced from the pile of discarded wrapping. How the kids didn’t wake him whilst they covered him bit by giggly bit I’ll never know. Maybe he was just pretending? Predictably, the clear favourite in the TV talent show came second and the winner, voted for by the nation somehow disappointed the nation… and on that bombshell, my aunt decided that it was time they thought about heading home. It took the best part of an hour for them to actually leave. I wished they stayed longer. They were a good distraction. Now it’s just the four of us again, I get the feeling that my unwanted gifts are on everyone’s mind once more. No one mentioned it though.
That night I lay in bed listening to Nirvana through my headphones and flicking through a book about sci-fi movies. The music sounds great on vinyl. So warm, so full, it fills my skull. The glossy images of cool looking spaceships and future worlds, weird aliens and what-not occupy my eyes… but all the while I’m glancing toward the 12” square piece of cardboard that’s leant against my chest of drawers.
The next day I awake and pretty much the first thing I see is the unwanted gift from my sister. I had a proper look at the lace trimmed bralette and boyshorts, the matching ivory suspender belt and ivory stockings before turning out my light last night. I say a ‘proper’ look although I didn’t remove it from its cardboard and cellophane wrapped packaging. The garments are very different to anything I’ve borrowed before, with sateen fabric and delicate looking elasticated lace trim. I wonder if Hannah chose it because it’s so overtly feminine, or because when wrapped, it resembled something similar to a 12” record and thus, deliberately elating me before bringing me crashing to earth with a bang.