Howard had wisely chosen to husband his resources and seek employment elsewhere, despite the injuries to his body and soul. Battle was futile against such a well protected enemy. There was nothing he could do but move on with his life. There was no question he had been wronged. Howard had been removed from his job and been denied recompense for the damage that had been inflicted on his abused metabolism. He could hardly be blamed for his anger. The chemicals had done more than make him reek, they had unmanned him. His testes had been damaged along with his liver and made him sterile. When he had found out that he couldn’t have children, it had almost destroyed his self-respect. Anita got the impression that he felt that a man who couldn’t father children was somehow less than a man. The resultant dissonance in his personality had made him psychologically impotent as well.

 

Anita tried to make the best of it. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t have children, but his attitude made life with him difficult. Instead of accepting the damage to his person and getting on with life, he seemed to withdraw into himself and sequester a kernel of anger with the world. He became extremely selfish and self-centered. After the accident, Howard seemed to expect Anita to wait on him hand and foot, despite the fact that Anita worked more hours than he did. Once the possibility of fatherhood was out of reach for him, he made a unilateral decision that they would remain childless. Anita’s wish to be a mother was not considered in his decision. He couldn’t understand that having come from a Catholic home with an abundance of children, Anita didn’t feel like her home was truly a woman’s home unless there was a baby to care for. She had been taught from an early age that babies give definition to a woman’s life and justify her existence before God. As a child, she had grown up caring for her baby brothers. All her life she had wanted a baby of her own to care for and nurture.

 

Howard refused to even contemplate the idea of letting Anita become artificially inseminated so she could bear a child. He became dictatorial in their home, demanding perfect obedience to his will. She believed that he was trying to compensate for his inability to make love by demonstrating his dominance at home. Anita was saddened by both his autocratic attitude and his sterility. She felt that in time, she could make him feel comfortable enough to make love without him having to resort to petty tyranny. Anita was willing to forgo her lifelong dream of being a mother if she could only have her loving husband returned to her. Sometimes though, when Howard was being difficult, she wondered if she should take a lesbian lover so that she could have someone sympathetic to talk to and have the opportunity for some kind of sex. She had several bisexual relationships when she was in college and had missed the intimate company of women when she got married to Howard. The Chief of Research at her company was an avowed lesbian and had made it clear that she would be happy for Anita to share her bed. Anita had gently refused the offer, saying that as long as she was married to Howard, she wouldn’t be unfaithful to him.