What amused the planet was that the inhabitants were discovering the unknown forms of life that they had never bothered to search out and add to their taxonomic lists. True, the discovery process was causing world-wide epidemics of unknown diseases, but “Earth” was unconcerned with the millions of deaths that ensued. If anything, the planet had felt a bit itchy from all the burrowing in its “skin” that the tiny creatures made to build their houses of processed stone. The planet could have tolerated a few million of the little parasites with ease, but five of billion of them? Frankly, it was glad of the relief from the weight of hungry human flesh that threatened to overwhelm its available resources. It was glad of the opportunity to reabsorb the nutrients that the millions of Third World corpses contained as they rapidly decomposed in their shallow earthen graves. The rats and the vultures were happy for the over-abundance of carrion too, pickings had been lean as a consequence of the climatic changes.
Earth shrugged its “skin” in annoyance and considered reversing its magnetic field. A magnetic “flip” would “open” up its atmosphere to solar radiation and eliminate thousands of species of living creatures and plants. On the other hand, it had been growing tired lately and had been slowing down by almost imperceptible amounts. The friction of the Sargasso Sea as well as the pull of its moon were a definite drag to continuing its heavenly motion. Perhaps it should invert the axis of its spin like a precessing top? Either method was a sure fire way of ridding itself of excess numbers of large species of carbon-based life. It had employed each method at various times in its existence to reduce the excess population that crawled or flew over its surface. After all, it wasn’t as if life couldn’t begin again. The Earth was lousy with spores, seeds and encapsulated eggs that could be expected to survive the worst disaster. Even if the surface of the Earth was scorched black, the voracious sulfur-eating bacteria that gathered around its undersea volcanic vents and infested the strange worm-like creatures that flourished on the periphery of the boiling waters would “seed” the next generation of life. The very rocks five miles deep into the crust were infested with anaerobic bacteria. As long as Earth itself remained intact, it would be inhabited by some form of life. The question was not whether Earth would support life, but rather whether it cared to support human life. Each time it shivered in annoyance, quakes sped their way through its mantle and toppled thousands of man-made structures on the surface. What the quakes didn’t destroy, seismically generated tsunamis sucked into the ocean in their wake. The results were almost as entertaining to Earth’s primitive humor as the destruction caused by tornadoes and typhoons, not to mention the odd hurricane the Earth threw forth as a diversion from its rather boring weather patterns. Frankly, had the Earth been incarnated as a human, it would have been happiest as a Frenchman or Italian, only they had the same appreciation for the humor of violence. (Unless extremely primitive tribesmen were considered, but they had odd tastes in torture that gave Earth giggling fits as it witnessed their feeble attempts to propitiate its anger by sacrificing fellow humans in exotic ways. These uncontrollable bursts of humor often caused bedrock of the local volcano to tremble with amusement. The natives, suitably awed by the power of the Fire God they were trying to appease, usually interpreted the resonate rumblings of the Earth as a sign that the God was pleased with their sacrifice. The tribesmen were satisfied that their sacrifices had fulfilled their purpose and they continued their practices until they were either wiped out by a later eruption or white men enslaved the inhabitants for their own good. Unfortunately for the inhabitants, either course led to tribal extinction.)