Since early childhood I have been labelled as a “nerd”.

With a sincere interest in science and mathematics, using thick glasses, often with my nose deep down in some science textbook.

And of course, considered “unattractive” by the opposite sex.

In short, a total nerd.

Certainly not the kind of person anyone would suspect to be a transsexual!

Behind that surface, a completely different person is found.

This “nerd style” has been a very successful method to hide the truth.

The Embarrasing truth.

Nobody could ever imagine that this “nerd guy” could transform to a rather convincing woman, certainly not looking like any “nerd”!.

A real life “Dr Jekyll and Miss Hyde”-transformation.

Now I find the situation difficult to handle

. In my everyday life, I appear completely as male, never as a woman

. Unfortunately, the people I know shows absolutely no tolerance for gender deviant behaviour of any kind, not even the least trace of it.

They would never ever imagine that I, of all possible people, am “that kind of person” (transsexual).

Anyone could be TS, but absolutely not me! And I have only myself to blame.

For so many years I have developed a very convincing masculine behaviour.

No one could ever think the unthinkable.

But after all these years I am just really tired of this charade.

I just want to get rid of the male persona, permanently.

“Nerd” label, no thanks, no more!

In my present life there is absolutely no way to really take the step to full time.

If I intend to do that, it will be necessary to disappear, erase every trace of my present existence, and build a new life from scratch somewhere else, in a new place where no one knows me.

The real problem is that I find this “thing” (being a man that want to be a woman, completely, permanently and irreversibly) extremely embarrassing and shameful.

I am always totally quiet about this, does not show any open mind at all about this.

Actually, I even refuse to discuss this topic with my therapist!

Of course, I never go outside my home as female, and I do never show this part of my life for anyone.

Not even together with some few TS and TV-friends!

Before even thinking of taking the step I must fulfil some strict conditions.

I need to be convinced that I can give a convincing and unambiguous impression of a woman

I need to be convinced that I can handle any situation satisfyingly

When I can do that I will go full time permanently, without any doubt.

However, after intense thinking I found that being TS is not a problem to me at all!

The only problem is my intense shame and embarrassment, and my harsh intolerant attitude that follows.

It feels like a terrible and scaring secret I need to hide at any price, something that severely restricts my life.

Always there is the (unrealistic) fear of being revealed at any time, by any small clues of any kind. Much effort is spent on trying to hide this secret.

I appreciate some advice about how to become a little more tolerant to myself, and even better how to get rid of that terrible shame.

 

 

 

 

 

Reply

you wouldn’t find hair like that on a woman in real life so does that mean that you aren’t convincing?

Why do so many trannies claim to be convincing like its the be all and end all anyway?

They should get a MIRROR.

It never fails to amaze me that people think they are convincing when they so ARENT.

 

 

 

 

Reply

This is a frighteningly honest and heart-on-sleeve post.

You are touching on many subjects that are simply way beyond my pay grade, but three thoughts for what they are worth.

First, while many TV/TS people seem sorted and proud, my guess is that most of us experience some level of shame and embarrassment.

I cannot speak for the others, but for me the most important and challenging task was coming to terms with who I am.

This was something that took years, and most important it took massive help from my friends.

One grows in confidence when dressed in the company of others. And the shame turns to pride.

Second, if you want to pass as a woman, then you should aim for a look that will not draw too much attention

. Maddie is brutal but right.

You have all the necessary raw ingredients, but you really need to find someone who can give you straightforward advice on how to optimize your look.

You can also gain inspiration from the many girls on this site who look so absolutely incredible, but nothing is a substitute for practice and honest feedback.

Third, I think that the way you describe yourself suggests you may be eligible for professional counselling.

You might do well to research support resources that are available to you locally.

For many years I hated being a tranny – but now I think it is one of the best things in my life.

I am deeply proud of who I am and I would almost say I love my female alter ego much more than my male self. Keep with it Anneli.

 

 

 

Reply

Interesting post this one….

Annelli hun I think bella has hit it on the head with her first point… Mainly that you need to learn to accept yourself and be proud..

I struggled for many years hiding the shame and internal angst of being TS… also I went to great lengths of hide this fact from everyone i knew…

Even when I first ‘came out’ as it were i was terribly ashamed and you know what… people could tell…. the result..? – I had a hard time from a fair few people in the street…

It wasnt until I learned to asccept myself for what I am and be proud and walk with my head held high that other people began to accept me aswell…

I must admit that i went for the ‘move and totally start my life again’ option and no longer see ANY of my friends I had before… but that was not as hard as you might think….I now have many good friends who i hold very dear to me…

And you know… in my opinion now being TS ISNT a disadvantage or anything to be ashamed of..!!! believe me… people are very accepting and a lot give you HUGE respect for having the courage to be who you feel…(Even strangers in the street!!)

To sum up… do yourself a favour….go take a good look in the mirror….and think about this… you only have one life….you wanna realise its too late when you are 65…? you want to live life as a woman…SO?? is it REALLY that bad…? NO. Be proud and go do it… :O)

Hope that helps…

 

 

 

 

Reply

I do not know if this helps and say it with some diffidence but my TV life changed for the much better when I found a makeover lady who took me in hand, coached me on how to stand, walk ,etc., and advised me on the make-up, clothing styles and wigs that would suit me.

Above all, though, she built up my confidence. But it took time, a couple of years , I guess.

 

Reply

 

Anneli wrote: “…Actually, I even refuse to discuss this topic with my therapist!…”

First Anneli, you are asking your therapist to work with both hands tied behind their back, by not revealing this.

I suspect that you are also underestimating their professionalism and the help they may be able to give you, by concealing it.

How can they offer you useful therapy when the thing that is really bothering you most (I guess) is something they don’t know about.

You see, it is clear from your own post that what stands between you and the person you would like to become is not so much the possibility of rejection by those around you, but your own problems with living with that secret about yourself.

That being so, even if you went for the ‘move away and re-start as a new person who is only known to people as a TS’ I think you would carry those problems with you into that new life.

I think for most TS’s heading for full transition, what they are seeking is a skin inside which they at last feel fully comfortable.

But it happens because they recognise, without ambiguous feelings about it, that that journey is the only possible direction they can take to reach it.

From what you have said it does not seem to me that you have reached that point in yourself, in part because you still fear so much what other people’s reactions to you would be.

But just as much because your own reaction to it frightens you too.

I think all TS’s are on a journey of learning to love themselves fully and have found that the masculine persona they were lumbered with at birth (or feminine for FTM transitioners too) is one they can never reach that with.

You must start that journey – but not with a new address, job, no friends, a terrifying blank – but inside your own head first.

Please, PLEASE start really talking to your therapist.

If they start talking about a ‘cure’ – find a new therapist at once. I do not believe a country like Sweden has no qualified trans counsellors.

Thi is a personal take now:

I believe that when you feel strong enough within yourself as a result of that process, to reveal yourself to your friends and colleagues – and let the cards fall as they will, letting you find out which of them really are your friends – you will be half-way already to that full transition – if by then you have come to the conclusion that that is what you really want.

But many of us have learnt to accept that it isn’t what we truly want – and yet we still incorporate our feminine urge and persona into our lives and accept that there is a ‘middle way’ where we can still find happiness – and peace within.