My brothers and I were all concerned about our mother.

A few years ago she was a normal happy mother,

full of the joys of spring, so to speak.

But after the doctors told her that she could no longer have children,

meaning she wouldn’t have the daughter she’d always longed for,

she fell into a deep depression.

This caused an ever-growing rift between her and dad,

eventually, he just upped sticks and left us.

Not surprisingly her depression got worse.

So much so she ended up in hospital for a couple of weeks

Aunt Vera came to look after us until our mother had got herself well again.

But she was never the same as she used to be.

George, Andrew, and I all knew there was a hole in her heart…

and if any of us knew anything about heart surgery,

we’d do whatever we could to fix it.

One Saturday morning she was in a particularly chirpy mood.

She sat us around the table and announced that she’d come up with a solution to our ‘family problem’.

“How would you boys like to have a sister?”

Knowing that was the one thing our mother longed for,

we all said “Yes”

but knew that she couldn’t have children anymore.

We also knew that she’d also been turned down for adoption and fostering,

most likely due to her history of depression.

“But how?” George asked.

“Well, I’ve done lots of reading and spoken to all the right people.” she said,

“And I’ve made all the necessary arrangements…

well,

as far as I can at this early stage.” she told us with enthusiasm.

“But once the ball is rolling,

I expect our problems will be over in no time at all!”

“Great!” each of us said in our own way.

“But where’s she coming from?”

“Well, that’s where you come in,” she said with an expectant smile on her face.

“All I need is for one of you brave and beautiful boys to volunteer.”

“Volunteer for what?” Andrew asked.

“To be my daughter,” she replied in the same tone she’d ask one of us to put the bins out.

All our jaws were on the floor.

“You mean…

you want one of us to be a girl?” I gulped.

“Yes.” she smiled, scanning our faces.

“Although whichever of you it is would still be a boy underneath,” she said.

“See it as a… dressing up game.

One that would make your mother extremely happy and eternally grateful.” she added as our jaws went through the floor and into the cellar.

“Well, it can’t be me!” George said.

“I’m too old and too tall.”

“Me neither!” Andrew snapped.

“Choose Peter. He’s a sissy anyway!”

“No, I’m not!” I snapped back.

“None of you are ‘sissies’,” Mum stated, before making Andrew apologize to me.

“Now, George, you’re not too old or too tall.” She said to my brother.

“In fact, all the really pretty girls are tall like you,” she said as George grew increasingly fearful that it might be him.

“Andrew.” She said, turning to my other brother.

“You have those lovely dimples,

and like George,

you’ve got beautiful blonde hair which always looks very pretty on girls.”

“But!” Andrew interjected.

Mum silenced him. “And you Peter.

You’ve inherited my lovely brown hair…

and my curls.” she smiled as my heart sank.

A big debate ensued.

Andrew claimed he was too ugly as his ears stuck out the most.

George used his upcoming graduation as an excuse.

“Plus I’ve been a boy the longest,” he added.

“And I’ve been a boy the second-longest,” Andrew said.

“So it should be Peter.”

“That’s got nothing to do with it.” I retorted.

“Anyway, you could become ‘Andrea’ and George could be ‘Georgia’.

There isn’t a girl’s version of my name.” I smugly pointed out.

“Now now boys… stop arguing.” Mother said.

We all piped down, but our inner tension was clearly high.

“You’ve all raised valid points, especially you Peter.”

“Yes!” I thought.

“However I’ve already decided on a name, and it is going to be Sophie,” she announced.

“Isn’t that pretty?”

“No!” we all simultaneously replied.

“Well, whichever one of you it is.

I’m sure you’ll grow to like it.” she said.

“Now I think the only fair way to decide which of you is going to be Sophie is to play a game.

And since it’s a family decision,

I suggest Happy Families.” she said, wielding the pack of cards.

You could cut the air with a knife as she dealt out the cards.

Happy Families is an easy game,

part chance,

part luck and ideal for ages six and above.

Being the youngest is hardly a handicap in a game like this.

I looked at the four cards I’d been dealt and already had Mrs Chip; the carpenter’s wife,

and Master Chip; the carpenter’s son.

It’s a good starting hand,

but there’s a good chance one of my brothers have been dealt a family pair too,

and the carpenter and his daughter could easily be at the bottom of the pack.

As long I don’t lose I’ll be OK,

I figured, knowing there would be two winners in this game.

I discarded one card and picked up the top card from the deck.

It was Mr Bones; the butcher, and useless to me.

Andrew went next.

He discarded one card from his hand, picked up another from the deck, and said “Yes” under his breath.

A few rounds later I finally got Mr Chip, the carpenter.

Only one to go…

even if I’m not out first,

I’ve got three out of four so I still have a strong chance of coming second.

The pile of cards was getting low.

George clearly got a card he was after,

but still didn’t have a full set.

Mum shuffled the discard deck once the main deck had been used.

I picked up the top card and wished with all my heart.

Miss Batter; the baker’s daughter.

I like a good tense card game,

and knowing the stakes are far higher than a simple win or loose,

I knew I’d better find my final card before long.

George did the classic.

He obviously had two family pairs, and discarded the wrong one.

I on the other hand have three of a kind and….

I hoped and preyed as I picked up my next card….

“Yes!” I announced.

“All the Chips!” I declared as I placed my four cards on the table for my brothers and mother to see.

Andrew grimaced as I threw him a smug grin.

Both my brothers gave me a menacing look.

“Right… it’s your go, Andrew.” George said angrily.

“And you’d better not win you little…” he threatened, pointing his finger then clenching his fist.

“George.. stop that!” Mother snapped.

“How can Andrew win the game when Peter’s already won? …

And I’m glad it’s not you anyway as you’re too much of a brute.” she paused and turned to me.

“Congratulation’s Peter…

we’re going to have so much fun,” she said, grinning broadly as I failed to fully grasp what had just happened.

“But… I thought the loser would be…?!” I stammered.

I looked at my brothers as their faces turned from fury to elation.

I gulped.

“No, the winner gets to be my new daughter, and their new sister.” she smiled.

“No!” I blurted, sticking out my lip.

“I don’t want to be a girl!” I said as both George and Andrew fell about laughing.

“Now boys… you’re not to tease your sister.” Mother said.

“You’re both to be nice to her… otherwise I’ll have three daughters and not just one.” She stated.

This stopped their taunts.

But it still wasn’t good news for me.

Mum continued, “And don’t think you can be horrible to your new sister behind my back either… because she’ll tell me.

Won’t you Peter?”

I gulped and nodded.

“Now, why don’t you boys go to your rooms?” she said.

“Peter and I need to talk.”

I watched as George and Andrew silently shuffled out of the dining room.

I could hear them whispering loudly as they climbed the stairs…

but could only imagine what they were saying.

“Don’t look so worried Peter.” Mum said in her best ‘reassuring’ voice.

“It’s not as bad as it seems.” she smiled as I tried to pull the most disgruntled face I could muster.

“You’ll finally get a room all of your own,” she said.

“And I know you’ve always wanted that,” she added.

“And I’m going to buy you lots and lots of nice new things,” she said.

“And you can still be a boy at school….

you’ll only be Sophie at home.”

“But…” I sniffed.

“Everyone’s going to know.

George and Andrew will tell them…

all of them.”

“I’m sure they will… imagine how exciting it must be, having a new sister?” Mum said as my sulk continued to increase in magnitude.

“But I understand what you’re saying.

I’ve already made arrangements for one of you to start at Malham Hall High School in Crickley,

so I’d better let them know it’s you and not one of your brothers enrolling.” she smiled.

“That’s miles away!” I said.

Crickley is one of the nearby small towns that are yet to be eaten up by the Covenworth conurbation.

“It’s two miles, Peter,” she replied.

“There’s a bus from the end of the street that takes you directly there.” she explained,

“Or if you’d prefer… I could buy you a nice new bike so you can cycle to school,” she suggested.

“Really!” I exclaimed, before wondering what type of bike it may or may not be.

“I think so.” my mother smiled.

“I also think your brothers are going to be a little bit jealous seeing you getting so many new things.

So just as they’re not allowed to tease you…

I don’t want you gloating either.” she said.

“They’ll be making sacrifices too.”

“What kind of sacrifices?” I moaned.

“Well for a start George will have to move out of his bedroom,” she said.

“And Andrew will have to share with George… and we both know how much those two can bicker.”

“Will I get George’s room?” I asked enthusiastically.

“You will.” Mum smiled.

“And you’ve always wanted a room of your own haven’t you?”

New room, new bike… it all sounded exciting.

“But… will I have to dress like a girl all the time?”

“Yes of course,” Mum replied. “Every day.”

“Except at school,” I added.

“No you’ll be dressing as a girl for school too,” Mum replied, much to my displeasure.

“But… you said I’d still be a boy at school.” I moaned in my extra mournful voice.

“You will be a boy at school,” she replied, adding to my confusion.

“But all the boys at Malham Hall dress as girls…

which is why I’ve arranged a place there.” she smiled.

“Do they?”

“Yes they do… and they look very nice too,” she said.

After a moment’s silence, she took hold of my trembling hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Don’t look so glum Love.

It’s going to mean so much to me, finally having a daughter of my own.” she said.

“But… all my friends will think I’m a sissy.”

“Well you can make new friends at your new school,” she said.

“And you’ve always got on well with the girls around here.

Unlike your brothers’” she added, glancing at the ceiling

. “They’re both too busy being boisterous and brutish…

pulling their pigtails and flicking their skirts.” she frowned.

“And between you and me… I’m glad neither of your brothers won.

I can’t imagine either of them being the pleasant and polite and pretty daughter I’ve longed for.” she smiled,

rubbing the back of my hand to reassure me. “Can you?”

I shook my head.

“And to be perfectly honest…

if you hadn’t won the card game,

I’d have switched it from winner to loser just to increase your chances.” she admitted.

“You’ve got lovely brown curls just like I had when I was a girl…

and your sweet little nose,” she said as she pinched it, making me blush.

“And you are the youngest,” she added.

“Your brothers are both at that age where they’re getting too eager to grow up…

especially George.” she said,

“Whereas you’ve still got plenty of childhood left.”

She used so many different words and phrases to tell me the same thing over and over again.

I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s going to be like.

“Will I have to play with dolls?” I murmured.

“I think you’re getting a little too old for dollies,” she said.

“Girl’s your age are interested in all sorts of different things… but not dolls.” she paused and smiled sweetly at me.

“OK.” I murmured.

Mum stood up and opened one of the drawers on the Welsh dresser.

She removed a pair of scissors and one of her many sewing boxes.

I watched in silence as she placed them on the table before removing the lid.

“Why don’t we make a start and put some of this ribbon in your hair?”

I gulped as she unrolled a length of blue gingham ribbon.

“OK.” I peeped.

But making sure my bottom lip remained prominent, just so she could see my displeasure.

My hair wasn’t long… but it was in need of a cut.

I sat silently as she put the ribbon around the back of my neck and tied it in a bow on the top of my head, before faffing with my hair.

She looked at me and smiled.

She told me that I’m going to be ‘so’ pretty, before hugging me tightly.

Then she looked me directly in the eye.

“I’m so happy you’re doing this from me, Peter…

I’d have killed myself without a daughter of my own…

I really would.” she said before hugging me again.

“I love you so much, Sophie…

I really do!” she gushed.

I closed my eyes tight shut as they filled with tears.

The thought of my mother doing anything like that to herself was too much to bear.

She’s been so unhappy for so long,

especially since dad left.

I don’t want to be a girl, I really don’t…

but I do know just how much having a daughter means to her,

even if that daughter isn’t really a real girl.

“You OK Mum?” George’s voice said with more than a hint of concern

Mum and I unlocked our embrace and turned towards the stairs.

“Yes, love,” Mum told him as she wipes her eyes.

“Peter and I were just having a talk,” she said.

“Is there anything we can do?” George asked,

glancing at Andrew who loitered behind him.

“Yes…. as a matter of fact, there is,” Mum said as she placed her arm around my shoulders and gulped back her tears.

“I’d like you to move all of your things into Andrew’s room.”

“Oh but Mum!” George moaned.

“I like my room and I don’t want to share?”

“Well I’m afraid you’ll have to,” she said.

“Your new sister needs a room of her own.

So either Andrew moves into your room, or you move into his.”

“Is he going to have my room?” George said, casting daggers at me.

“Yes, she is.” Mum replied, rubbing my shoulders.

“OK.” he moaned.

“And make sure Andrew helps,” Mum said as they made themselves scarce.

“Can I help too,” I asked?

“No dear,” Mum said.

“You’d better leave all that heavy lifting to the boys.”

“I could put my things in George’s room?” I suggested.

“My room.” I corrected

Mum looked down at me and smiled.

“But they’re all boy things…

you don’t want those anymore.”

“I want some of them,” I murmured.

“Are you sure?” Mum asked.

“Because I’ve been looking forward to having a girl for a daughter, not a tom-boy,” she said.

I hung my head. “Am I not allowed any boy things at all?” I asked.

Mum began to reply, but stopped herself.

Then she started again.

“Once you’ve got used to being a girl… you’ll forget you ever had any boy things.

And once you learn how nice it is being a girl, you won’t want any boy things.” she explained,

but I didn’t believe her.

Maybe she read my mind as she added.

“And believe me I know…

I was a girl once too you know.” she smiled.

“Mum?” Andrew shouted from the top of the stairs.

“What should we do with Peter’s stuff?” he asked as he emerged halfway down the staircase.

“Just put it all in a box.

And be careful not to break anything.” she replied.

“Although I sure Sophie won’t mind if you keep anything you want,” she added.

“Er!” I peeped but stopped myself.

Andrew asked if he could have my 18 Terminator figurine.

Of course, he couldn’t, I thought.

But then on second thought, I can’t see Mum letting Sophie keep it.

“OK,” I replied through a very forced smile.

“Cool!” Andrew said before disappearing.

“Thanks!” he hollered from the landing.

Mum hugged me from behind.

“You’re always thinking of others Peter,” she said.

“Which is another reason I wanted you more than anyone to be my Sophie,” she said as she swayed gently from side to side.

“They used to say that little boys were made of slugs and snails and puppy dog tails…

but you’ve always been sugar and spice and all things nice.” she said before planting a kiss on the side of my head.

I didn’t know what to say.

I knew I was making her happy,

but I felt as if a rug was being pulled from under me…

only to be replaced with something I couldn’t yet fathom.

“Mum?” George shouted as he trotted halfway down the stairs.

“What should we do with his clothes?”

Mum let me go and I exhaled fully for the first time in minutes.

She opened the cupboard beneath the sink and grabbed a roll of bin liners.

“Put them in these and we’ll take them to the charity shop,” she said as she passed them to my brother.

“We need to go into town anyway,” she said, grabbing my shoulders and rubbing them.

“You and Andrew will be OK on your own for a while won’t you?”

“Sure,” George said as he stared at me, or more specifically at the top of my head.

He didn’t say anything but clearly wanted to.

He returned to the bedroom and the sound of he and Andrew sniggering echoed down the staircase.

“Mum?” I asked.

“Yes, dear.”

“Am I going to be a girl forever or just a bit?” I asked.

“Well it may not be forever,” she said.

“But it will be for the foreseeable future.” she smiled.

“Oh,” I murmured in a disparaging tone.

“Don’t worry… you’ll soon find that it’s much more fun being a girl than a boy,” she assured.

All the time, the sound of my two older brothers shifting things from one room to another echoed above me.

“Why don’t you have a look through the catalog.” Mum said as she plonked the big Grattan catalog on the dining table.

She pulled out my chair and I sat down in front of it.

Then she flicked through to the beginning of the girl’s clothing section and suggested I have a look to see if there’s anything I like.

“And don’t just glance at them,

have a proper look at everything,” she advised.

“I’ll pop and see how your brothers are getting on.”

I watched mum trot up the stairs before dropping my head and staring blankly at the page.

A variety of little girls’ dresses stared back at me.

Wearing any of those must be like wearing short pants all the time… but worse.

At least one can climb trees and play fight wearing shorts, I mused.

How do girls do anything fun without fear of their knickers showing?

I wondered as I turned the page…

after pages and pages of skirts, dresses, and blouses,

I finally found a page that didn’t look too bad.

But even the long trousers for girls are a world away from boys trousers.

Some of the girl’s denim jeans looked OK, I figured…

and not all the tops and t-shirts were frilly or flowery.