I trust that my sister won’t say anything about the fire to anyone. She’s having too much fun watching me squirm and no matter how much I plead and try to bargain with her… she won’t let me take the picture down until it’s been up for a whole month. My mother doesn’t believe that I did for a laugh and instead believes that I decided to come out. I don’t think she thinks I’m gay because she’s done a lot of reading in the last few days and is encouraging me to join some online support groups, to get in touch with ‘the real me’ and says if I want, she’ll buy me some girls clothes and some make-up and shoes and blah blah blah. What my mother can’t understand is why on the one hand, I’m telling her that I don’t want to dress like a girl again, but on the other, I’m refusing to change my profile picture back to one of me dressed as a boy. One white lie trips over the next and the more I try to explain myself, the deeper into the rut I go.
It’s been two weeks since I changed my profile picture which means I’ve been wrapping myself up in a web of lies for far too long. I mournfully tell my sister that things are getting beyond a joke. “Mum’s only gone and bought me some underwear and put it in my drawer.” I gulped. Laura wanted to see it and said it was gorgeous, but I was adamant that I wasn’t going to wear it because if I do, the next thing will be a skirt or a dress, then shoes and hairdo’s… “It’s not funny!” I whined as Laura sat giggling.
“It is quite funny.” she replied. “And you do look cute as a girl… I think you should indulge her.”
“But then she’ll think I really am a tranny.”
“She already does. No one believes that you changed your profile picture for a laugh.” Laura said as she sat on my bed, admiring my new lacy boy shorts and matching crop top.
“What else could I say? I couldn’t tell them that you blackmailed me… which you did!” I reminded her.
“Oh stop being so dramatic. I didn’t blackmail you, I gave you a choice.” she said. “What would you prefer? Everyone thinking you’re a transvestite or everyone knowing that you’re an arsonist?”
“Neither.” I sighed. “But I can’t have anyone knowing about the fire.”
“Well there you are.” my sister said. “It’s no big deal really… Mum’s cool with it. I think she likes the idea of having two girls.” she told me. “…she’s hardly talked about anything else to me.”
“What’s she been saying?”
“Just that you need support and gentle encouragement, and asking if I ever suspected anything and wondering if I’ve noticed any items of clothing or cosmetics going missing in recent months.” Laura replied. “Of course I hadn’t and told her that changing your profile picture was as much a surprise to me as anyone.” she told me. I groaned and sighed. “Mum said she wasn’t surprised though.” Laura added, somewhat gleefully.
I sighed the deepest of sighs. “Tell me about it.” I mournfully murmured. “She told me that she suspected something when I decided to grow my hair long and started wearing skinny T shirts.”
“Why didn’t you say that you changed your profile picture for a bet or a dare?” my sister asked.
My head dropped into my hands. “I wish I had.” I groaned. “Then I wouldn’t be in this mess now.” I said, gulping and glancing at the underwear on my sister’s lap.
“I wouldn’t call it a mess.” Laura smiled. “It’s more of a misunderstanding.” she jovially suggested. “It’s quite sweet really.” she added, running her fingers over the lacy crop top.
“It’s a nightmare.” I groaned. “Why didn’t I say it was dare?!” I sighed, cursing myself. That excuse didn’t cross my mind and in hindsight, I really really wish it had.
Laura laughed at me and said she didn’t know. “Honestly Marty… I just thought it’d be funny… the last thing I expected was you to lie yourself into a corner and leave everyone thinking you’re a cross-dresser,”
“What did you expect after dressing me as a girl and making me put the picture on FaceBank?” I asked. “…then telling me that I couldn’t say you did it.”
“Well… like I said, I thought you’d say you’d done it for a bet or something.” she shrugged. “But as they say, you’ve made your bed, and now you have to lay in it.”
“Yeah… wearing a nightie.” I grimaced, nervously chuckling.
“Has Mum bought you a nightie too?” Laura asked.
“No just them.” I grumbled, glancing at my new girlie underwear on my sister’s lap. “I hope not anyway.” I added, before shifting myself and opening the drawer in which my pyjamas are kept. “Oh for fucks sake!” I groaned, finding not a nightie, but a pair of girl’s satin pyjamas in there.
“Oh wow!” my sister gasped as I unfolded a short sleeved pyjama top in baby blue satin with white lace trim and a matching pair of shorts. “Is there anything else?” she asked. “Have you checked all your drawers and wardrobe?”
Nothing else was found apart from the underwear and pyjamas. Later when mum came home I told her that I’d found the underwear and she smiled and asked if I’d tried them. “No.” I whined.
“Well in your own time.” she smiled. I told her I’d found the pyjamas too. “I thought you might.” she said. “There’s nightie under your pillow too.” she added. “I thought about buying you a skirt or a dress… but maybe that’s something we could do together one day… when you’re ready.”
“Mum I only put that picture up for a laugh… I don’t really want to dress like a girl.”
“Well you did say that you’d practised doing your hair and make-up a few times beforehand… and you don’t seem at all keen to take that picture down.” she replied. “I understand that it’s hard to admit but a picture really does speak a thousand words.” she told me. “Have you spoken to Laura?”
“Yeah.”
“And what does she think?”
“She thinks that you like the idea of having two girls and that I should indulge you.”
“You’re not a girl Martin… you’re a transvestite, and I’m absolutely fine with that.” Mum replied. “I understand that I might have been a bit presumptuous, buying you some nice underwear and nightwear… but I thought it might make you happy.”
Part of me wanted to come clean and tell the truth about the circumstances behind me changing my profile picture… but if I did, Mum would be livid, and as things currently stand, she’s being really nice to me. The question Laura posed popped into my mind; what would I prefer? Mum thinking I’m a cross-dresser or Mum knowing that I set fire to the cricket pavilion all those months ago. “It does. Thanks Mum.” I said.
The following morning over breakfast, Mum waited for Laura to leave the breakfast table before asking me if I’d worn my nightie. Bashfully, I told her I had and said it was nice. “You didn’t say it came with knickers too.” I added, just as my sister returned.
“What came with knickers?” Laura asked.
I felt myself going bright red and Mum guardedly informed my sister that she’d bought me a nice little nightie and some ‘night-knickers’. “A nightie?” Laura quizzed. “I saw the pyjamas.” she stated.
“It was a summer sleepwear set… shortie PJs and a little nightie.” Mum replied. “I’d hidden the nightie under his pillow as a surprise.” she told her, before turning to me and saying “Since it’s Saturday, why don’t you try your new underwear?”
“Oh I don’t know… maybe it’s a bit too soon.”
“No one will know.” Mum said, reminding me that I slept in my new nightie.
“I know but…”
“It’s nothing to be afraid of… you’ve worn a bra before today so it’s hardly a big step.”
“And this time it’ll at least be your own.” Laura snidely added.
“He’s apologised for that Laura so don’t rub it in.” Mum said to her, before telling me that the crop top she bought me isn’t even a bra. “…it’s just a little vest really.” she claimed.
“OK.” I replied. “Just… don’t make a big deal about it.” I said.
“We won’t even mention it.” Mum smiled. She cleared the breakfast dishes and I went to my bedroom.
Laura followed me up. “Can I see your nightie?” she asked.
“Oh Laura…” I moaned. Tightening my bathrobe.
“You’ve got it on?!” she exclaimed. She pestered me into letting her have a look, so reluctantly, I opened my bathrobe and revealed my short baby blue nightie to her. It has thin, white lace shoulder straps and a band of lace trim around its skirt. I didn’t want her to see the night-knickers but she wanted to see them.
“They’re really girlie.” I timidly confessed before lifting my nightie a little to give her a fleeting glimpse. Laura grinned and said they were ‘well cute’ and I guess they are, being baby blue satin and rather baggy in their fit, with gathered and elasticated leg-holes trimmed with ruffled white lace.