During my times of depression and suicidal tendencies I can now clearly recall the same feelings of wanting to “disappear” when I had to witness the sick discipline. I clearly remember the feelings of closing off and wanting to disappear when the strap was being used in the classroom.
A pattern was established as I became older and these feelings became very deep-seated and profound. To cope with the feelings of isolation and humiliation, I engaged in secret self-harm as a child.
A lot has been lost due to my struggle to overcome the damage. In group therapy, I met others who had suffered long term affects as result of similar depraved discipline.
During therapy sessions, I tried to desensitise the feelings to reduce flashbacks and overcome the trauma. But I still suffer flashbacks with associated anxiety.