The next morning, it was my turn for tears.

“Mommy, look at my hair! It’s all gone flat and ooky!”

“Welcome to womanhood, honey.

If you want it to look pretty every day,

you have to get a perm

or you have to put it up in curlers!”

“Can I get a perm?”

“No, I don’t think so, sweetie.

Wait until you’re a little older.

Perms can damage a little girl’s hair.

Besides, I think you will enjoy setting your own hair and trying on different styles.

I’ll help you!”

“Thanks, Mommy.

Ummm. Mommy?”

“Yes, dear.”

“Can I wear one of your old dresses today?

Just to go with my new hair?”

“They’re your dresses now, sweetie.

I’ll be there in a minute to help you get dressed.

We’ll need to choose some panties and stockings, too.

And a slip.

And some nice shoes.

And a training bra.

You’re old enough for that now.”

“Mommy, does this mean I’m a girl now?”

“It means you can be whoever you want to be.

You do like being a girl, don’t you?”

“I do, Mommy, very much.”

“Well then, why not?

At least for a while

. I wonder if you can be like a real girl,

like Mommy was when she was your age.”

I really think I can Mommy,

if you help me.”

The next few months were the happiest of my life so far.

Mommy was showing more every day, and the baby had begun to move.

We shared so many “Mommy moments,” as we called them,

feeling the baby kick and planning for the birth,

what the baby would wear, how her room would be decorated.

I had gotten so completely used to wearing girl’s clothes all the time,

setting my hair each night,

and sleeping in curlers,

that I could barely remember my life as a boy.

Grandma took me to town shopping with her,

so I could get my ears pierced and buy my own dresses and things – and no one even suspected I wasn’t a girl.

I was so proud of that.

Both Grandma and Mommy called me Chrissy now.

I was their girl and so happy to be one.

As it got harder and harder for Mommy to move around,

she enlisted my help in choosing her clothes each day and laying them out for her.

I was so proud when she approved of my choices and when she didn’t, it was an opportunity to learn.

My goal in life was to become just like my Mommy in every possible way.

She said that I would wear her out with my questions:

Is giving birth really that painful?

How do you keep your skin so soft?

What’s the best way for a blue-eyed girl to use eyeliner?

When can I get my nails done professionally?

What does it feel like to dance in a strapless evening gown?”

But then one day, I became very sad.

I was massaging Mommy’s hair

As she said it relaxed her just a bit.

She was really showing now, and we were so excited.

But it dawned on me that I would never be a mother,

could never nurse a baby,

and that there was nothing I wanted more desperately in the world.

One evening, while I was brushing Mommy’s hair,

I saw her reflection in the mirror, stroking her swollen tummy.

Her eyes were closed and she looked so sublimely happy.

I was so jealous that I couldn’t hold it in –

the tears just gushed from my eyes.

She embraced me and said,

“Precious girl, what’s the matter??

“Oh Mommy, I want so much to have my own babies,

to nurse them ,

and to be a complete woman just like you. But it is impossible.”

“Remember, dear, not all women can have babies.

Being a woman is a matter of heart and mind more than body.

You are a darling girl and can grow into a lovely, happy woman if you want to.”

I was inconsolable.

“But I want to be a mommy, too.”

I was blubbing now and couldn’t stop.

Mommy ran her fingers through my curls.

She caressed me and rocked me, but nothing could lessen my pain.

We sat together for some time in silence, except for my sobs.

“Darling, it is probably true that you will never give birth.

But I promise you this – you will be like a mother to the little girl inside of me.

You’ll be my little helper.”

“But I can’t nurse her, or…”

“Oh yes you can, sweetie. We will both nurse her – we will take turns.

The next morning, I overheard a heated discussion at the far end of the house.

What I heard made me heartsick.

Grandma was furious,

“You are going to give hormones to your son?

Dear, you can’t do that.

It’s wrong! And it’s illegal!”

“But Mom, you’ve seen what a little woman he’s become.

She’s my daughter now.”

“That was the plan all along wasn’t it?”

“To soften him a little, yes.

To get his father out of him.

But you’ve seen how readily he waltzed into womanhood.

This wasn’t our doing, Mom; this child was meant to be a girl.

You should have seen her yesterday, heartbroken because she can’t be a mother and nurse her own babies.

Chrissy could never be a man, never!”

“He wants to be a mother!

What does he know of womanhood?

Granted, he’s the biggest little sissy I’ve ever seen.

He’ll probably be gay or something,

but you can’t play God here. You can’t decide his future for him.

So far, it’s only been a little playacting.

In a few months, his beard will start to grow, and his voice will change.”

“That’s why I have to start the hormones now, before puberty sets in.

Trust me, he is meant to be a girl.

He will have the operation someday. I know my child.”

My mind was a whirl as I listened to all of this.

But when Grandma said that I would soon grow whiskers and turn into a man, I felt nauseous.

Then I felt faint.

Apparently, I passed out,

the next thing I knew, I was on a couch and they were both fussing over me. Grandma spoke first.

“I’m so sorry honey, you weren’t meant to hear those things.

I love you so dearly, and I do love you as my little granddaughter.

I just don’t want us to make a horrible mistake.”

I remembered what had upset me so much and started sobbing.

“Grandma, Mommy, please don’t let me turn into a man.

I became hysterical, and I may have passed out again,

I don’t remember anything before nighttime,

when Mommy came to tuck me in.

“Sweetheart, I know that this afternoon was very upsetting to you.

But your Grandma is a wise woman and we need to consider what she says.”

“No…” “Now calm down, honey, and hear what we have decided.

I believe that you were born to be a woman,

to be a mother,

as far as that is possible,

but we have to be sure.

Grandma was right to say that you should know more about who you are before we make irreversible decisions.

You need to know who you will be

and whom you will love

before you lose your options.

So we’re sending you back to school

as a girl

for a while –

to see what happens.

But you have to be honest –

with us and with yourself.”

I was afraid, but something told me she was right.

I decided to give it a try.

Besides, I was curious what it would be like to be around other girls, and boys.

As it happened, I couldn’t believe how quickly I fit in with the girls.

The first day at the bus stop, a girl my age smiled at me and said,

“Hi, I’m Sally. Your hair is really cute.”

I chimed right up,

“Hi, I’m Chrissy.

You’re so sweet!

You hair looks cute, too, and I love your top..”

And we were off to the races.

By the end of the first day, I had made several new girl friends and was even invited to a sleepover.